Chinese Women, Asian Women, Online Dating & Things Chinese and Asian

Would you do me a favor? What does it mean here?

@Anonymous1738 Time : 2018-10-19 20:56:38

Hi all,

Need some help from you :)

I fought with my Fiance for his ex wife's issue and ex kids. I want him to cut ties from them as his ex wife always tries to try again. He answered:

"Cannot cut ties from kids, and by default her (ex wife)."

So I compromised ultimately and promised to accept the kids.

But I am not very clear "by default her" means what here, me failed to check and get its meaning online or in a dictionary...

Would native speakers give me some explanations about this phrase?

Thanks in advance.

Comments to Thread
(Showing 1 to 6 of 6) 1
From: China 浙江(zhe jiang) 杭州(hang zhou ) @JohnAbbot Time : 2018-10-22 14:49:36 #1

I think what your fiance means by that is that he is not willing to stop being the active father of his children ("Never cut ties with his kids.") and therefore he cannot possibly stop having reasonable communication with their mother which prevents him from cutting ties with her either ("and by default her" (ex wife)".  

This recognizes that the parents of children who are divorced have a duty to those children to both do what is best for them under the circumstances. It really isn't possible for both parents to do what is best for the kids unless they are able to calmly and quietly discuss and agree on what is best for the kids. 

@Anonymous26376 Time : 2018-10-22 17:17:32 #2


Thank you John.

Per what he'd commented above, with his ex wife's fighting with him for me now and me also once got them driven away, do you think me still have a chance to be with my Fiance after he said goodbye days ago?

HIs attitude is important.

So per his words, do you think I still have the chance?


From: Australia South Australia Adelaide @melcyan Time : 2018-10-23 13:13:38 #3



 I am going to do some guessing here. I may be completely wrong. A few days ago, your fiance has told you it is over between the two of you. Your relationship is finished because of your response on how communications and interactions should take place with his ex-wife and children in the future. You want to know if you have a chance of getting back together with your fiance?


This is a complex situation. A lot depends on how much your fiance has his head together. My guess is that your fiance still has the same communication problems with his wife as he had before they divorced. If that is the case then there is little chance of this problem being solved without counselling. Your fiance would benefit greatly from quality counselling.


No matter what, your fiance and his ex-wife will need to communicate in the future. I don’t know the age of his children but this could be at least another 20 years. They need to establish a very different type of communication to the one they had in their marriage if they are going to achieve the best possible outcomes for their children.


You were wrong to ask your fiance to stop communication with his ex-wife because meeting the needs of his children makes it impossible for him to agree with your request.


What to do next? Firstly, accept the possibility that your relationship with your fiance may be over. Next, tell your fiance that you respect and admire his lifetime commitment to be a good father for his children. Next tell him that if safe communication boundaries can be established ( maybe with professional help) between him and his ex-wife, then the two of you could still have a future. Tell him that if he chooses counselling, you are willing to participate if needed. Tell him that you love him and that you wish him and his children all the best for the future regardless of the path that he now chooses to follow.

@Anonymous26380 Time : 2018-10-24 10:50:01 #4

这位姑娘,对一个父亲提出这样的要求?你咋想的?!血情关系永远是无法割舍的。试想啊,假如这男人真应了你,你还敢嫁吗?!这件事你未婚夫做的很男人……男人再爱你,恃宠而娇也是要把握度的……如果你真的爱他在乎他,拿出态度,真诚道歉挽留……抱歉多话了,明显你是在征求native speaker 的建议

From: United Kingdom Lancashire Barnoldswick @DavidPickles1961 Time : 2018-10-28 05:23:05 #5

Pretty much what John said, basically by default means if your fiance wants to see his children, he must stay in contact with his exwife as she presumably has custody of the children.  Depending on the terms of the divorce and custody proceedings would determine what kind of visitation rights he may have to see the kids.  Sometimes the duration can be limited, not at all, or sometimes only if the ex-wife permits it  Custody hearings can be very messy and acrimonious, and probably over 90% of all custody hearings give custody to the exwife.  Once the children reach 18, he can see them directly without necessarily having to have any involvement with the exwife.   

@Anonymous26412 Time : 2018-12-02 06:54:49 #6
@anonymous1738. I think it is over, because you are wrong, sorry to tell you.

I realize you can't notice about you mistake if nobody tells, but you wrote in your massage "his ex kids" so you need to be psychoanalyzed... there is no such thing as Ex kids, they are his kids and they will be for the rest of their lives and even if they pass away or something, they will still be his kids. You should accept things. If he loses contact with the mother of the kids he will probably also lose contact with his kids which for a parent are more valuable than own life... you should apologize before trying to ask him to start over.
Comments to Thread
(Showing 1 to 6 of 6) 1
To respond to another member's comment type @ followed by their name before your comment, like this: @username Then leave a space.
Submit Thread