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Some personal understanding on love and marriage

From: China 浙江(zhe jiang) 宁波(ning bo ) @zqy2014 Time : 2016-10-03 14:11:51

Love is some kind of romantic and special feeling, marriage means commitment and responsibilities. Marriage originally should be a natural development and outcome of love. Actually it is not always like this due to this or that reasons except love. If one has never gone through and enjoyed a love process, then he/she is really not psychologically ready for getting married as she/he probably will ask for more on love than a realistic marriage could offer. Marriage is more connected with routing things like oil, salt, rice and vinegar as we often say here. Thus before consider and enter a marriage, it is necessary to try best to experience and enjoy the love process. After that, be more practical and realistic with your mind. If the both still feel love each other, then can consider the marriage. In China, we say “you can't have your cake and eat it. I think it suits for love and marriage as well. When one wants love and marriage at the same time or same proportion in a marriage, it probably will makes him/her feel frustrated, disappointed and out of balance in the end. Likewise, for those who feel fearful and doesn't want to take any risk or responsibility, they may not suit to enter a serious relationship and marriage… It could be understood as a matter of mindset.

All above are just some of my personal understanding and opinions on love and marriage and then only for your reference.

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Anonymous25310
@Anonymous25310 Time : 2016-10-06 02:20:54 #1

zqy2014, I really enjoyed this article you have written. In the west the saying is similar "you want your cake and eat it too"  there are many variations of this saying as well. When 2 people are in love there is a calmness that comes over a person as their soul is being nurtured by it's counterpart in another. I personally believe this as I also believe marriage is not a business deal between 2 people. One would think that commitment and responsibility would be automatic if you love someone and marry them, having their best interests in mind at all times should be natural and not forced. Your descriptions are different but in the end they are essentially the same. A happy marriage full of LOVE and RESPECT for each other.

 

Cheers....

From: China 浙江(zhe jiang) 杭州(hang zhou ) @JohnAbbot Time : 2016-10-06 11:22:36 #2

I really like this thread too zqy2014. I am wondering if another angle on what you are saying, or another way to say the same thing, might be that while a truly successful marriage requires a true love between the partners, a true love between the partners does not in itself guarantee a successful marriage.

Step 1, make sure you really love each other.

Step 2, make sure you are both ready for the lifelong practical demands and daily routine of marriage.

Don't get married unless you are sure you've satisfied both steps. Step 1 is not enough.

From: China 浙江(zhe jiang) 宁波(ning bo ) @zqy2014 Time : 2016-10-06 23:11:23 #3

@JohnAbbot

Yes I agree with you that only a true and mutual love between the two doesn’t guarantee they will have a successful relationship and marriage. Actually many other factors like financial or healthy situation, original family and upbringing do influence a lot on the marriage and the both relationship in the later. However, if there is a true and mutual love between the two, they probably can survive after going through all these ups and downs and boring routings. So I think a true and mutual love is a necessity and priority for a marriage.

As for the Step 1, the problem is not many know what the true love is. Normally the named love or true love by most people is a mixed special emotion of feeling of freshness, physical attraction and passion from loving hormone. Thus it could be superficial love and can't last long. This kind of love will go through a process of being strong, weaker and weaker and even vanish in the end during the first 2-3 years of getting to know. If this love can't continuously grow up to be the true one after that, then their relationship normally can't go on any more. I understand the true love is basing on thoroughly mutual understanding, affirmation, acceptance and appreciation. They know both good and bad or strong and weak points and habit each other and still would like to go on. Without thorough mutual understanding, the both really can't develop a true love each other. However, basing on this or that reasons, one or both can't or feel fearful to open themselves. This causes difficulties for the other to know more about and understand them. I feel the best way to achieve happiness is to open your heart, share the true feeling, surrender yourself and don't feel fearful to be denied, judged or given up by the other. Through this way, it will help and guide you to find the true happiness, joy and the right person. On the other hand, as mentioned in the book of 《Love of five languages》, we all have our own expression and expectation on love. Difference of the expression or expectation could directly lead one feel they are not loved by the other. The man probably think intimate time with partner like touching, hugging, kissing and making love on bed is the best way for them to express their love to the partner. I know some man even think making love is the best way to try to communicate, connect with his partner after they have disagreements or conflicts. However, most women will feel this kind of making love is most disgusting for them as seems they have been just taken as animal(w/o emotion) and are not respected by the man. Likewise this way probably will make them feel low value and low self-esteem.And the woman may think to be generous to them, buying gift for them, listening to them, heart-to-heart communication or sharing with them is the best way for the man to show their love to them. So I feel it is also necessary for the both to discuss their own love languages and are aware of this in the relationship.

Regarding to the step 2, I understand there are three aspects can tell the person is not ready for a serious relationship and marriage. #1 is they have not been psychologically healed from previous relationship or their thought hurt from the other. They normally think they are the only victim in the relationship and always focus on talking about the other's faults. At least this can tell they seldom self-reflect their behaviors in the previous relationship and probably will repeat the same problem or old patterns in the new relationship. #2 is they are uncertain or not very sure what they are looking for yet such as want to be alone or find someone to spend rest of life. Normally their emotion could be unstable and can't openly share with you on their feelings and emotion sometime. #3 is they seems have been looking for some strong and long lasting passion and can't endure routing life and fearful to take any risk and responsibility. This make them can't go into deeper level inside.

No matter step 1 or step 2, just believe in your instinct or first feeling and never have doubt on that. Feeling from the heart (instinct) is always more trustworthy than our thinking or conclusion from our mind. Being open, honest with yourself and follow your heart, it will help you to find the right one and the true calmness, happiness and joy…

From: China 浙江(zhe jiang) 宁波(ning bo ) @zqy2014 Time : 2016-10-07 19:51:17 #4

@anonymous25310

I agree with all mentioned in your comments. A happy marriage is full of LOVE and RESPECT for each other. Marriage should not be a business deal between 2 people. Make commitment and marry would be natural and automatic thing if one really love the other.

I feel when one would like to make concession and compromise for you, it normally means she or he really love and care about you. Some friend has ever told me that we all human being are originally selfish but we could choose not be selfish to someone. It is very true. When one cares about more on themselves or their benefits than you, then it just says they really don't love you. Another friend suggested me the book of <Man needs respect and woman needs love>(Just simply translated from Chinese name). I would think both man and woman in the relationship need both love and respect. When one did not feel be respected and then he/she can't feel be loved neither. I feel these could be un-respectful behaviors for the woman such as mention how good the other woman is or intend to flirt or be close with other woman in front of the woman, eat first without saying anything when the woman is still busy cooking there, share too much of their private conversation with his friends, have a long time conversation with the one he will introduce to the woman in front of her, ask the price of the gift the woman bought for him or someone related and seldom use them as well, yelling at the woman in the public and intend to force the woman to do something she don't want to or don't like in the public or private…All these make the woman feel they are not an important and valuable person for the man and in their relationship. I know different person would feel different on this point.

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