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Please help me

From: China 广东(guang dong) 广州(guang zhou ) @freebird78 Time : 2018-06-01 19:37:16

All the smart friends:



If your boyfriend told you the following, will you choose to be friends with him after the breakup.I need the comments badly from you. I don't understand why a man wrote this to a woman. Does it mean everything is over, right? Why does the man want to be friends with his former girl?



"I like  and love your way to solves problems and to think for the future...



I always see your true and loving heart ....



But I see too, our different views to do and solve things.... both ways a good , both ways right ....



But both ways did not not compare and did not belong together ....



We both lonely souls that looking for freedom, peace and love, and for a long time relationship ...



After all the time actually I think, we are too different ....



And I’m still not brave enough to bring you in my world here in Germany.... my worries are to big that you could unhappy with me and In Germany...



Pls don’t waste your time with me in the future...



Thx so much for all lovely spending time together.... I will never forget you... 

and if you want , I’m here for you as a friend ..."

 


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From: Switzerland Bern - Berne Bern @kalzorch Time : 2018-06-02 20:04:28 #1

Seems pretty clear to me.  He appreciates you as a friend, but thinks that the relationship is not good enough for a lifetime together.  He admires much about you, but thinks you two are too incompatible to actually live together.  He is not sure that you will be happy enough with him to compensate for all that you would have to give up by moving to Germany.

This is compounded by the fact that he is worried that you will not be happy in Germany.  This is a very reasonable cause for concern, as you probably do not know German, and would thus have extreme difficulty getting a job or even just getting to know people.  Being stuck all day alone in the apartment is not everybody's idea of fun.

It took me 3 years to learn enough German to be able to think about having a simple conversation, though no doubt some people will be able to learn it  more quickly.  An American woman told me that it was more difficult for her to learn German than it was for her to learn Chinese.  I think that conversational English is much easier to learn than German.  English has a lot more exceptions, but German has a lot more rules, and some pretty bizarre ones at that, not to mention the whole issue of gender.

He has left the door open for a friends-only relationship, so it is entirely up to you whether you wish to continue talking with him or not.  Many women would run, not walk, away.    I guess the crucial question is which is more important to you, the person or the relationship?

From: China @QinQL Time : 2018-06-02 21:32:27 #2

姑娘,这是一封表达他要和你友好分手的信呀。你年轻,经历少。不像我,被人拒绝的事遇到了多个去了。我的英语真不算好,他的这封英文信,就这么短,居然被我发现好几处错误,我担心他是不能够有能力负担你们将来的生活的。姑娘,小伙子这点上说了实话,他不能够给你将来你想要的幸福。

From: China @StillSeeking Time : 2018-06-02 22:30:16 #3

It means, for various reasons, that he does not want a romantic relationship with you.

That last line can be eliminated.  He really wants to move on with his life without you, and he wants you to do the same.

Good Luck

 

From: Australia Queensland Brisbane @nickbago Time : 2018-06-03 09:14:27 #4

hi @freebird78

It is possible he is still married, I am not saying for sure but just maybe.

Or he really does not feel you and he are compatible and is being honest.

All the best with your future.

From: China @autumn2066 Time : 2018-06-03 17:55:50 #5

Sounds like a polite way to quit, quite reasonable and gentle, but a bit cold hearted. 

Sounds he thinks that you two are not a good compatibility, so he wants to end the relationship with you. He doesn't think you two have a future.

About the friendship stuff, it depends on what kind of person he is.

Usually, when people ( including men and women ) say they would like to be your friend after over the relationship, it might be:

1. Sometimes people simply mean what the word "friendship" exactly means, he will treat you like a common friend, but no more than that. In this case, he doesn't love you any more, but being friend is ok for him.This style of people usually have simple and straight personality, they could be a common friend with you in a healthy way. I call this style of people “horse”.

2. Sometimes people don’t want to be your friend at all, but they don’t want to sound cruel. In this case, even if he offers to be your friend ( a month or months ), but he won’t care about you any more, and he will leave you alone quickly or even has already move on with other women. So being friend with him actually will just make your painful process last longer, and your heart will be killing again and again slowly. Usually these style of people have very reasonable mind and a bit cold hearted, they might be hypocritical and sophisticated, they tend to want themselves to be perfect and do things perfectly. The symbol of this kind of person is “fox”.

3. Sometimes people might worry if you can take the pain of heart-broken suddenly, so they want to make sure you are fine. In this case, even if they don't love you any more, but they feel a bit guilty, and somehow a bit responsibility of helping you attenuating your pain. This style of people usually have a kind heart and very caring personality.The symbol of this style of people is “deer ”.

4.Sometimes people want to keep in touch with their ex girlfriends, some even want to have sex with you time to time, because this makes him feel he still owns his ex girlfriends, it is similar to a king keeping many wives and concubines at the same time, or a Leo watching its lionesses. This could feed his man ego, making him feel good about his charm. In this case, he might contact you time to time, keeping temptsing you to dream that he seems still love you, but in fact, no, he doesn’t love you at all, he loves himself. I call this style of people as “ Leo”.

Sometimes friendship means friendship, sometimes friendship is a polite lie or a clever excuse to quit. Anyway, it depends on what kind of men he is, and the answer could only in your heart and your mind, you should know it much clearer than all of us here. 

Oh, by the way, if people ever said that they will never forget you, don't believe it. This style of people who often said “big” words usually are a bit hypocritical. He might have back up ( spare wheels ), and even worse he might have moved on with other women already. Don't be fooled by sweet words, watch with your women’s intuition.

Hug. Take care.(hug)(coffee)

From: China 广东(guang dong) 广州(guang zhou ) @freebird78 Time : 2018-06-04 11:33:40 #6


@autumn2066 Dear, I admire you.You are pretty much a psychologist. I will read some of your bloggers in futre, very interesting.

From: China 浙江(zhe jiang) 杭州(hang zhou ) @JohnAbbot Time : 2018-06-04 12:10:23 #7

@freebird78 - I'm sorry, but I think the intent of this fellow is abundantly clear from his closing words:

Pls don’t waste your time with me in the future...

Thx so much for all lovely spending time together.... I will never forget you... 
and if you want , I’m here for you as a friend ..."

First, regardless of what he says about being friends, he has already said not to waste your time with him in the future. This alone tells you all you need to know. Time spent with him will be wasted time in his mind. What kind of a true friendship is "wasted time"?

Second, he is projecting forward in time and envisions himself "never forgetting you". But this strongly suggests that he does not see himself being with you in anyway, shape or form, and that includes friendship. If he truly wished to be friends he would not be picturing himself "never forgetting you". He would be picturing himself still knowing you as a friend.

Finally, he is not asking to be friends. He does not "want to be friends with his former girl?" as you put it. He says "if you want, I'm here for you as a friend." He is simply offering to give you a shoulder to cry on for a time, which allows him to feel like a noble caring soul, and thereby ease his guilt. If he wanted to be friends he would have said "I would love to still be friends" as opposed to he's willing to stay on as a friend "if you want".

At best he is thinking that maybe if he strikes out with other women in the future, by "staying on as your firend" he will be able to fall back to being your boyfriend sometime in the future. Being his fallback option is NOT a good reason for you to be his friend.

I am not suggesting there is anyhting wrong with what he has said. At least he took the time and made the effort to write you and tell you how he felt and that it wasn't going to work out. That's much more than many people do. I've seen both men and women close their accounts, have a friend or family member send a letter to the person they are deserting saying they have been killed in a car accident, and then open a new account under a different username. And I can't count how often people just close their accounts, open a new one, and never write to the person they are deserting at all.

This man was trying to do the right thing and let you down as gently as possible. Tha's all you can hope for when someone you love decides they don't love you enough to make it work.

When this happens the best you can do is move on and try to find someone even better. There is a chance that this man will wake up a week, a month, or several months or a year from now and wonder what the hell he was thinking of. He may find himself missing you badly. He may actually come groveling back one day and try to reignite your romance. If he does, and you are not with someone better, then you can decide if you are still interested.

But if you hang in there as a friend, he will not miss you, because you are still right there in his life. Instead of missing you, he will come to know you as a friend and forget to think of you as a lover or girlfriend.

My strong advice is to thank him for telling you his true feelings, tell him it is disappointing but much better to know now than find out years from now that you aren't a good match and tell him you are not interested in being friends, then move on and do not contact him again. Soon you'll have someone else who is even better for you and this man will be come to be someone you will "never forget" but will not miss.

This is my opinion, for what it is worth.
 

From: Australia South Australia Adelaide @melcyan Time : 2018-06-04 13:19:11 #8

@JohnAbbot and @autumn2066 very good responses! I hope all CLM women read them. 

From: China 广东(guang dong) 广州(guang zhou ) @freebird78 Time : 2018-06-04 13:25:46 #9


@JohnAbbot Thank you, John. I appreciate your wisdom and help a lot truly. 

From: China 广东(guang dong) 广州(guang zhou ) @freebird78 Time : 2018-06-04 15:08:38 #10


@kalzorch Thanks for your comments. Language and money is definately not a problem here, as indeed he is the poor side, but I am the richer side. Even if I am in Germany, I can have basic salary to support myself. I reason why I posted the letter here for help is that clearly he wanted to say goodbye, but he wanted me to say the sentence of" I don't want to lose the contact with you". And he said that he was not leaving me, which was confusing. 

From: China 广东(guang dong) 广州(guang zhou ) @freebird78 Time : 2018-06-05 18:31:34 #11


@JohnAbbot dear John, I really have little experiences in love things. Please kindly forgive me on raising these stupid questions. In my first forum question, you ask me to confront him the question of why sending me a wrong girl picture.Maybe our relationship will become more powerful if his answer proves my mistake. You don't understand why I bear something in my heart and dare not to get a truth. Because women have the sixth sense and I don't want to hurt him by unveiling his lies. In fact, after my confrontation as per your suggestion, he lied at first by saying the girl is his friend's girl. I decided to move on and said goodbye to him, but he told me the final truth and told me that he immediately closed the contact with the girl because of me and asked me not to leave him and hurt him. He has a weak heart. First he is really poor. Second he is from brokeup family with a home violence dad. Both of his parents are dead now because disease and have no jobs when they are alive. So his childhood is miserable. Third, his ex bullied him. He does not want to lose me. He lied before on the fear of losing me. Hearing the truth, I decided to give him a try. That is why I did not move on as I thought immediately. I thought we are good and I never really think money is important as I want to fight for the future together with him. But he sent me the above letter after I am angry with him on the possible decision of not coming to me this year because his car needs to repair. I have no idea who he always puts the money before me. Later, he told me the truth that he met a local girl,but they are not together. Also he needs time to think about it. And wish me to take this a test for us. After this, we might be stronger. Yesterday, he still sent me video call invitation and wants to see me. But I did not answer him. He told me that he said goodbye, because he did not want to be dependent on me and worry a lot because I am richer than him and he might be unable to give me a good life. And I might think his love for me is only because of my money, but I never think that way. And I am not from a rich family too, but I am independ and work hard for my future. I am not a material woman lookinng for a rich man. But sometimes you have to admit that those ppl have their own problems for being poor.He always has worries and doubts and dares not to try.  I never hurt anyone and I don't want to do so to anyone. But now, I am the only one who get hurt from this. I just felt I was stupid as I think I bring him a lot of worries and I did not give him enough courange and hopes to help him out of past trauma. Anyway, I appreciated your wisdom this time. LOL Now I know I am the blessed one by God.

Anonymous26255
@Anonymous26255 Time : 2018-06-05 23:07:52 #12

Based on what you have said, I would tell you that he has dumped you for someone else and is letting you down easy(in his mind). All his words are said to make him look like the gentleman. All the usual western ways with words when ending a relationship. Forget him, take some time for yourself to heal then try again.

 

Goodluck

From: China @QinQL Time : 2018-06-13 01:11:16 #13


@autumn2066 刚刚看到John 在博客那边给你的回复,我很认同他的想法,他热情邀请你在这里开博客,英文中文都写上来,这样就可以把男男女女都召集到你的博客下面一起讨论问题了。还真没想到你的英文那么好!更让大家意外的是你居然那么有料(y) 那边那么多豆芽菜似的文字,我常常要连猜带蒙的,查单词觉得麻烦,所以选择性地看看,不是所有都阅读的。如果你写有中文,我就看得轻松了,手机上就可以回复,轻松快捷。我也想图方便,反正这里的外国人也能看懂中文,看不懂的,他们也可以查字典,哈哈。

From: China @QinQL Time : 2018-06-13 01:24:35 #14


@melcyan  Yes , being one of CLM female members, I have already read John’s and Autumn’s responses. They are fun and great! Help a lot to me, too.

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