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Learning to love yourself

From: Australia South Australia Adelaide @melcyan Time : 2017-01-30 19:45:09

Some of us are born into families where our parents do not love themselves. We do not have to follow their path. At the age of 18 we are legally responsible for ourselves. At the age of 18 we become responsible for our path in life and the relationship that we develop with ourselves.



Change is the only constant in life. Every day we remake ourselves via our habits, self-talk and actions. To establish a loving relationship with ourselves we need to do the following every day



- be grateful



- be aware of the self-talk taking place in our head



- replace negative self-talk with positive self-talk or peaceful silence



- when you catch yourself thinking negative thoughts or feeling negative emotions break the cycle with a long slow meditative breath and good posture, and then say and feel what you are grateful for in your life



- any mental commentary on your actions needs to positive, patient, forgiving and kind



What I just written is a brief summary of what works for me.



After doing an internet search, I found the following useful links that cover this topic in much more depth and detail



http://www.wikihow.com/Love-Yourself



http://tinybuddha.com/blog/21-tips-to-release-self-neglect-and-love-yourself-in-action/



http://www.wellbeingalignment.com/how-to-love-yourself.html


Comments to Thread
(Showing 1 to 14 of 18) 1 2 More...
From: Australia South Australia Adelaide @melcyan Time : 2017-02-02 17:32:41 #1

The three links listed at the end of this thread are all useful. The first one does not contain any advertising and is useful to read all the way to the end including the final Question and Answer section. The last two links contain advertising which you can ignore. The free information contained in these links is all that you need.

From: China 山东(shan dong) 济南(ji nan ) @sunrise68 Time : 2017-02-04 10:24:10 #2


@melcyan  

Thank you. Theses links are really very useful.

From: Australia South Australia Adelaide @melcyan Time : 2017-02-04 18:33:41 #3

@sunrise68

Thanks, it is great to know that these three links are accessible in China.

From: China 浙江(zhe jiang) 宁波(ning bo ) @zqy2014 Time : 2017-02-04 20:25:32 #4

@melcyan

As according to my experience and the knowledge that I have had so far, I feel that know more about self, accept, respect and protect self are ways to love self. Protect self is the most important thing that one needs try to achieve in this life. Without modesty and gratitude, one can't truly love himself/herself and others. When be modest,one easily stops negative self-talk and accept sometime there is really nothing she/he can do except surrender to the universe. When be modest, one can easily listen more than talk or offer suggestions that the other may actually not be ready for and expects.Without self-trust and self-love, she/he can't trust and love others. Love never means sacrifice and can't be taken as an excuse to control or change the other neither. Just for reference.

 

From: China 河北(he bei) 保定(bao ding ) @sandy339 Time : 2017-02-05 22:54:10 #5

HI Melcyan 

Thanks for sharing all these, but why do you raise the question? My problem might be I love myself too much (half kidding):D

One of Justin Bieber's songs is love yourself, my daughter's favorite, and I know why she likes it. So would you like to share the story behind your question? hehe only if you want to share, have a nice weekend!

 

From: China 广东(guang dong) 湛江(zhan jiang ) @Kittyzx2015 Time : 2017-02-06 20:46:38 #6

Thank you very much for sharing!

Sheryl Sandberg is my favorite idol, also want to share with her a speech

 

Transcript Sheryl Sandberg's 2016 Commencement Address at University of California, Berkeley

Thank you, Marie. And thank you esteemed members of the faculty, proud parents, devoted friends, squirming siblings. 

Congratulations to all of you…and especially to the magnificent Berkeley graduating class of 2016!

It is a privilege to be here at Berkeley, which has produced so many Nobel Prize winners, Turing Award winners, astronauts, members of Congress, Olympic gold medalists…. and that’s just the women!

Berkeley has always been ahead of the times. In the 1960s, you led the Free Speech Movement. Back in those days, people used to say that with all the long hair, how do we even tell the boys from the girls? We now know the answer: manbuns.

Early on, Berkeley opened its doors to the entire population. When this campus opened in 1873, the class included 167 men and 222 women. It took my alma mater anotherninety years to award a single degree to a single woman.  

One of the women who came here in search of opportunity was Rosalind Nuss. Roz grew up scrubbing floors in the Brooklyn boardinghouse where she lived. She was pulled out of high school by her parents to help support their family. One of her teachers insisted that her parents put her back into school—and in 1937, she sat where you are sitting today and received a Berkeley degree. Roz was my grandmother. She was a huge inspiration to me and I’m so grateful that Berkeley recognized her potential. I want to take a moment to offer a special congratulations to the many here today who are the first generation in their families to graduate from college. What a remarkable achievement.

 

The best of Sheryl Sandberg's powerful UC Berkeley commencement speech about dealing with her husband's death

Today is a day of celebration.  A day to celebrate all the hard work that got you to this moment.

Today is a day of thanks.  A day to thank those who helped you get here—nurtured you, taught you, cheered you on, and dried your tears.  Or at least the ones who didn’t draw on you with a Sharpie when you fell asleep at a party.

Today is a day of reflection. Because today marks the end of one era of your life and the beginning of something new.  

A commencement address is meant to be a dance between youth and wisdom. You have the youth.  Someone comes in to be the voice of wisdom—that’s supposed to be me. I stand up here and tell you all the things I have learned in life, you throw your cap in the air, you let your family take a million photos –don’t forget to post them on Instagram —and everyone goes home happy. 

Today will be a bit different. We will still do the caps and you still have to do the photos. But I am not here to tell you all the things I’ve learned in life. Today I will try to tell you what I learned in death.

I have never spoken publicly about this before. It’s hard. But I will do my very best not to blow my nose on this beautiful Berkeley robe.

One year and thirteen days ago, I lost my husband, Dave. His death was sudden and unexpected. We were at a friend’s fiftieth birthday party in Mexico. I took a nap. Dave went to work out. What followed was the unthinkable—walking into a gym to find him lying on the floor. Flying home to tell my children that their father was gone. Watching his casket being lowered into the ground.

For many months afterward, and at many times since, I was swallowed up in the deep fog of grief—what I think of as the void—an emptiness that fills your heart, your lungs, constricts your ability to think or even to breathe.  

Dave’s death changed me in very profound ways. I learned about the depths of sadness and the brutality of loss. But I also learned that when life sucks you under, you can kick against the bottom, break the surface, and breathe again. I learned that in the face of the void—or in the face of any challenge—you can choose joy and meaning.

I’m sharing this with you in the hopes that today, as you take the next step in your life, you can learn the lessons that I only learned in death.  Lessons about hope, strength, and the light within us that will not be extinguished. 

Everyone who has made it through Cal has already experienced some disappointment.  You wanted an A but you got a B.  OK, let’s be honest—you got an A- but you’re still mad. You applied for an internship at Facebook, but you only got one from Google. She was the love of your life… but then she swiped left. 

Game of Thrones the show has diverged way too much from the books—and you bothered to read all four thousand three hundred and fifty-two pages. 

You will almost certainly face more and deeper adversity. There’s loss of opportunity: the job that doesn’t work out, the illness or accident that changes everything in an instant. There’s loss of dignity: the sharp sting of prejudice when it happens. There’s loss of love: the broken relationships that can’t be fixed. And sometimes there’s loss of life itself. 

Some of you have already experienced the kind of tragedy and hardship that leave an indelible mark. Last year, Radhika, the winner of the University Medal, spoke so beautifully about the sudden loss of her mother.

The question is not if some of these things will happen to you.  They will. Today I want to talk about what happens next. About the things you can do to overcome adversity, no matter what form it takes or when it hits you. The easy days ahead of you will be easy.  It is the hard days—the times that challenge you to your very core—that will determine who you are.  You will be defined not just by what you achieve, but by how you survive.

 

A few weeks after Dave died, I was talking to my friend Phil about a father-son activity that Dave was not here to do.  We came up with a plan to fill in for Dave. I cried to him, “But I want Dave.”  Phil put his arm around me and said, “Option A is not available.  So let’s just kick the shit out of option B.” 

We all at some point live some form of option B. The question is: What do we do then?

As a representative of Silicon Valley, I’m pleased to tell you there is data to learn from. After spending decades studying how people deal with setbacks, psychologist Martin Seligman found that there are three P’s—personalization, pervasiveness, and permanence—that are critical to how we bounce back from hardship. The seeds of resilience are planted in the way we process the negative events in our lives.

The first P is personalization—the belief that we are at fault. This is different from taking responsibility, which you should always do. This is the lesson that not everything that happens to us happens because of us.

When Dave died, I had a very common reaction, which was to blame myself. He died in seconds from a cardiac arrhythmia. I poured over his medical records asking what I could have—or should have—done. It wasn’t until I learned about the three P’s that I accepted that I could not have prevented his death. His doctors had not identified his coronary artery disease. I was an economics major; how could I have? 

Studies show that getting past personalization can actually make you stronger. Teachers who knew they could do better after students failed adjusted their methods and saw future classes go on to excel. College swimmers who underperformed but believed they were capable of swimming faster did. Not taking failures personally allows us to recover—and even to thrive. 

The second P is pervasiveness—the belief that an event will affect all areas of your life. You know that song “Everything is awesome?” This is the flip: “Everything is awful.” There’s no place to run or hide from the all-consuming sadness.

The child psychologists I spoke to encouraged me to get my kids back to their routine as soon as possible. So ten days after Dave died, they went back to school and I went back to work. I remember sitting in my first Facebook meeting in a deep, deep haze. All I could think was, “What is everyone talking about and how could this possibly matter?” But then I got drawn into the discussion and for a second—a brief split second—I forgot about death.

That brief second helped me see that there were other things in my life that were not awful. My children and I were healthy. My friends and family were so loving and they carried us—quite literally at times. 

The loss of a partner often has severe negative financial consequences, especially for women. So many single mothers—and fathers—struggle to make ends meet or have jobs that don’t allow them the time they need to care for their children. I had financial security, the ability to take the time off I needed, and a job that I did not just believe in, but where it’s actually OK to spend all day on Facebook. Gradually, my children started sleeping through the night, crying less, playing more.

The third P is permanence—the belief that the sorrow will last forever. For months, no matter what I did, it felt like the crushing grief would always be there.

We often project our current feelings out indefinitely—and experience what I think of as the second derivative of those feelings. We feel anxious—and then we feel anxious that we’re anxious.  We feel sad—and then we feel sad that we’re sad.  Instead, we should accept our feelings—but recognize that they will not last forever. My rabbi told me that time would heal but for now I should “lean in to the suck.”  It was good advice, but notreally what I meant by “lean in.” 

None of you need me to explain the fourth P…which is, of course, pizza from Cheese Board.

But I wish I had known about the three P’s when I was your age. There were so many times these lessons would have helped. 

Day one of my first job out of college, my boss found out that I didn’t know how to enter data into Lotus 1-2-3.  That’s a spreadsheet—ask your parents. His mouth dropped open and he said, ‘I can’t believe you got this job without knowing that”—and then walked out of the room. I went home convinced that I was going to be fired.  I thought I was terrible at everything… but it turns out I was only terrible at spreadsheets. Understanding pervasiveness would have saved me a lot of anxiety that week.

I wish I had known about permanence when I broke up with boyfriends. It would’ve been a comfort to know that feeling was not going to last forever, and if I was being honest with myself… neither were any of those relationships. 

And I wish I had understood personalization when boyfriends broke up with me.  Sometimes it’s not you—it really is them. I mean, that dude never showered. 

And all three P’s ganged up on me in my twenties after my first marriage ended in divorce.  I thought at the time that no matter what I accomplished, I was a massive failure.

The three P’s are common emotional reactions to so many things that happen to us—in our careers, our personal lives, and our relationships. You’re probably feeling one of them right now about something in your life.  But if you can recognize you are falling into these traps, you can catch yourself. Just as our bodies have a physiological immune system, our brains have a psychological immune system—and there are steps you can take to help kick it into gear.

One day my friend Adam Grant, a psychologist, suggested that I think about how much worse things could be. This was completely counterintuitive; it seemed like the way to recover was to try to find positive thoughts.  “Worse?” I said. “Are you kidding me? How could things be worse?” His answer cut straight through me: “Dave could have had that same cardiac arrhythmia while he was driving your children.” Wow. The moment he said it, I was overwhelmingly grateful that the rest of my family was alive and healthy. That gratitude overtook some of the grief. 

Finding gratitude and appreciation is key to resilience. People who take the time to list things they are grateful for are happier and healthier. It turns out that counting your blessings can actually increase your blessings. My New Year’s resolution this year is to write down three moments of joy before I go to bed each night.  This simple practice has changed my life.  Because no matter what happens each day, I go to sleep thinking of something cheerful. Try it. Start tonight when you have so many fun moments to list— although maybe do it before you hit Kip’s and can still remember what they are.  

Last month, eleven days before the anniversary of Dave’s death, I broke down crying to a friend of mine.  We were sitting—of all places—on a bathroom floor. I said: “Eleven days.  One year ago, he had eleven days left.  And we had no idea.” We looked at each other through tears, and asked how we would live if we knew we had eleven days left.

As you graduate, can you ask yourselves to live as if you had eleven days left? I don’t mean blow everything off and party all the time— although tonight is an exception. I mean live with the understanding of how precious every single day would be. How precious every day actually is.

A few years ago, my mom had to have her hip replaced. When she was younger, she always walked without pain. But as her hip disintegrated, each step became painful. Now, even years after her operation, she is grateful for every step she takes without pain—something that never would have occurred to her before.

As I stand here today, a year after the worst day of my life, two things are true.  I have a huge reservoir of sadness that is with me always—right here where I can touch it. I never knew I could cry so often—or so much.

But I am also aware that I am walking without pain. For the first time, I am grateful for each breath in and out—grateful for the gift of life itself. I used to celebrate my birthday every five years and friends’ birthdays sometimes. Now I celebrate always. I used to go to sleep worrying about all the things I messed up that day—and trust me that list was often quite long. Now I try really hard to focus on each day’s moments of joy.

It is the greatest irony of my life that losing my husband helped me find deeper gratitude—gratitude for the kindness of my friends, the love of my family, the laughter of my children. My hope for you is that you can find that gratitude—not just on the good days, like today, but on the hard ones, when you will really need it.

There are so many moments of joy ahead of you. That trip you always wanted to take. A first kiss with someone you really like. The day you get a job doing something you truly believe in. Beating Stanford. (Go Bears!) All of these things will happen to you. Enjoy each and every one.

I hope that you live your life—each precious day of it—with joy and meaning. I hope that you walk without pain—and that you are grateful for each step.

And when the challenges come, I hope you remember that anchored deep within you is the ability to learn and grow. You are not born with a fixed amount of resilience. Like a muscle, you can build it up, draw on it when you need it. In that process you will figure out who you really are—and you just might become the very best version of yourself. 

Class of 2016, as you leave Berkeley, build resilience.

Build resilience in yourselves. When tragedy or disappointment strike, know that you have the ability to get through absolutely anything. I promise you do. As the saying goes, we are more vulnerable than we ever thought, but we are stronger than we ever imagined. 

Build resilient organizations. If anyone can do it, you can, because Berkeley is filled with people who want to make the world a better place.  Never stop working to do so—whether it’s a boardroom that is not representative or a campus that’s not safe. Speak up, especially at institutions like this one, which you hold so dear.  My favorite poster at work reads, “Nothing at Facebook is someone else’s problem.”  When you see something that’s broken, go fix it. 

Build resilient communities. We find our humanity—our will to live and our ability to love—in our connections to one another. Be there for your family and friends. And I mean in person. Not just in a message with a heart emoji. 

Lift each other up, help each other kick the shit out of option B—and celebrate each and every moment of joy. 

You have the whole world in front of you. I can’t wait to see what you do with it.

Congratulations, and Go Bears!

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桑德伯格:你要拥有扛过一切悲伤的能力?|伯克利毕业演讲全文

最终塑造我们的,是我们所经历的那些艰难时光,而非浮名虚利。我们所经历的每一次挫折,都会在灵魂深处种下坚韧的种子。我们记忆深处的每一次苦难,都会在日后成为支撑我们走下去的力量。

译自桑德伯格2016年在伯克利大学的毕业演讲词

她是硅谷版的“安迪”,十足的商界女强人,Facebook的二当家,执掌上千亿美金市值的商业帝国。然而正在她事业蓬勃之际,她的丈夫却早早撒手人寰,她又有着惊人的毅力克服悲痛。在丈夫去世一年后,Facebook首席运营官雪莉·桑德伯格学会了如何更有韧性。她在周末加州大学伯克利分校的毕业典礼上分享了自己的经历,并有可能将其写入自己的第二本书中。今天我们特别全文翻译了她的这段演讲,分享与你。

  今天是值得庆祝的一天。庆祝你们为今天所付出的一切努力。

  今天是充满感谢的一天。感谢那些帮助你们的人,那些熏陶过你们,教导过你们,为你们欢呼,宽慰过你们的人。或者,你们至少得感谢那些当你们在派对上昏昏欲睡时,没有拿记号笔在你们脸上涂鸦的人。

  今天也是让你们反思的一天。因为今天意味着你们人生一个阶段的结束,也是你们下一段崭新冒险的起点。

  毕业演讲应该是青春和智慧的交汇。你们正值青春年少,而我作为毕业典礼的演讲人应该充满着智慧。我站在这里告诉你们我的人生经验,你们将你们的毕业帽抛在空中,你们让你们的家人拍上万张纪念照(别忘了发在Instagram上),最后所有人兴高采烈地各回各家。

  但是今天会有些不同寻常。我们还是会抛毕业帽,你们会照很多照片。可接下来我不会和你们说我的人生经验,我会试着和你们分享我从死亡中学到的领悟。

  我从未在公众场合谈过这个话题。对我来说,真的很难开口。今天我会尽量不哭,不用漂亮的伯克利大学长袍来擦鼻子。

  一年零十三天前,我失去了我的丈夫, Dave。事情发生得非常突然和出人意料。我们当时在墨西哥参加一个朋友五十岁的生日聚会。我正在午睡,Dave去做运动。之后发生的一切都是不堪回首的,比如我发现他躺在体育馆的地板上,停止了呼吸。比如我不得不独自飞回家,告诉我的孩子们他们父亲的死讯。比如我眼睁睁看着他的棺材渐渐地没入地面。

  桑德伯格与自己的丈夫

  在那之后的好几个月,在那之后的很多时候,我感觉我自己要被悲痛的吞噬了。那是种填满你的心脏、你的肺、限制你思考,甚至让你无法呼吸的空虚。

  Dave的离去深深地改变了我。我知道了悲伤的深度,痛失挚爱的残酷。但同时,我也领悟到,当你们的生活沉入谷底,你们可以反击,冲破表层的障碍,再次呼吸。我认识到,当你们面对无边无际的空虚,又或者当你们面临任何挑战,你们可以选择过快乐的和有意义的人生。

  今天,我希望你们可以学习到一些我对于死亡的体悟——那些关于希望,力量,以及我心中永不灭的光。

  我相信每个毕业生都或多或少有过挫折。你们渴望得到A,但你们只得到个B。好吧,咱实话实话,你们拿到A-却依然不开心。你们申请Facebook的实习生,但你们只拿到了Google的offer。你们认为她是你们此生的挚爱,但是她把你们的照片往左边滑了(用过Tinder的小伙伴你们懂的)。

  “权力的游戏”的电视剧版已经脱离原著太多了,你们也没有兴致去读四千三百五十二页的原著。(笑)

  你们肯定很快就会面临更多和更惨的不幸——你们有可能会错失机会,你们工作失利,一场疾病或事故会在一瞬间改变你们的一切。你们有可能会丧失尊严,尖锐的偏见会深深刺痛你们。你们有可能会痛失挚爱,破裂的感情无法修复。而有的时候是生命本身的失去。

  雪莉·桑德伯格(Sheryl Sandberg)1969年8月26日出生于华盛顿。曾任克林顿政府财政部长办公厅主任、谷歌全球在线销售和运营部门副总裁。现任Facebook首席运营官,被媒体称为“Facebook的第一夫人”,她也是第一位进入Facebook董事会的女性成员。同时,她还是福布斯上榜的前50名“最有力量” 的商业女精英之一

  你们有些人或许已经经历过了以上的一些悲剧和困难,那些事情也给你们的人生烙上了深深的印记。去年,Radhika,University Medal的获得者,和你们分享了她痛失母亲的故事。

  问题不在于这些事情是否会在你们的身上发生。因为它们最终会的。因此,今天我想和你们说的是,当悲剧发生了之后,你们该如何应对?其实不论是哪种不幸,不管它发生在何时。

  该轻松的日子你仍旧会很轻松,而至于那些承载着苦难的时光,那些从根本上挑战你每一份坚持的日子,将最终决定你会是一个怎样的人。

  最终被用以塑造你的是你所走过的那些艰难,而非浮名虚利。

  在Dave离世后的几个星期后,我和朋友Phil聊起一件本应该由Dave去完成的一件父子间的事情。我们虽然找到了一个弥补方案,我哭着对他说:“可我还是想要Dave。”那时,Phil搂着我,说:“第一选择不存在了,我们只好将就着用第二个选择吧。”

  是的。在有些时候,我们除了第二个选择,别无他选。那么在这样的时候,我们该如何是好?

  作为硅谷的一员,我很高兴地告诉你们我这么说是有数据可参考的。在花费几十年的时间研究人们如何面对挫折之后,心理学家Martin Seligman发现,三个P (后文总结为三个假象)——个人化(Personalization)、普遍性(Pervasiveness)和持久性(Permanence)——这是我们从苦难中再次振作起来的关键。

  我们所经历的每一次挫折,都会在灵魂深处种下坚韧的种子。你要知道,并不是发生在你身上的每一件事情都是由于你做错了什么才导致的。

  第一个假象是个人化:总以为是自己做错了什么才导致不幸的发生。

  这与承担责任不同,责任是你们该做的。你们要懂得的是,并非所有发生在你们身上的不幸都是由你们自身引起的。

  我的丈夫去世后,我有一个很常见的行为,就是会责怪自己。Dave是在几秒钟内死于心脏病突发的。当我翻阅他的病历,我不停地责问自己:我本来可以做些什么的,那样或许戴夫就不会死了。直到我了解了三个P的假象,我才接受了我无法阻止他死亡。他的医生们没有发现他的冠心病。我是学经济学的,我怎么可能发现呢?

  研究显示,停止埋怨自己是可以逐渐让你变得更加强大的方法之一。一个有能力但是却无法令学生适应他教学方法的老师在走出自责之后,可以在未来的教学中做得更加出色。而学校的游泳运动员在原谅自己偶尔的发挥失常之后,也通常可以获得更加出色的成绩。不要总是将失败完全归咎于自己。这样你才能够快速走出失意,甚至做得更好。

  说起桑德伯格,不得不提到她撰写的《LEAN IN 向前一步》,是日报君最想推荐给大家的几本书之一。尤其是对于女性职场人和创业者,这都是一本圣经。《向前一步》是2013年亚马逊网站上销量排名第二的纸质书。这本书主要关于女性在工作场合遭遇的不平等问题。相应的非营利组织安排了多场“向前一步”研讨会,让女性讲述自己在职场中遇到的障碍,并推进其他女权诉求,例如在一项活动中阻止将年轻女孩蔑称为“bossy”。

  第二个假象是普遍性——以为某一件事会影响到你生活的全部。

  你们知道那首叫“一切都是极好的”的歌吗? 那时的一切就是这首歌的反调:“面对那吞噬一切的悲哀,我们无处逃避。” 但实际上并不是这样的。

  一个儿童心理学家曾鼓励我尽快引导我的孩子们回到正常的生活轨道。所以,在Dave去世的十天后,孩子们开始上学,我开始工作。我记得,那是在我丈夫去世之后第一次参加的Facebook的会议,我的精神十分地恍惚。我心里想的是“他们所有人在讲些什么,这些和我有关系吗?”后来我被卷入了讨论,有那么一秒的时间我忘记了我丈夫的逝世。

  那短短的一秒钟让我看到我的生命中还有其他并不可怕的东西。我和我的孩子们都健健康康的。我的朋友和家人都深爱着我们,都陪伴支撑着我们。其实豪不夸张地说,很多时候都是这样的。

  失去伴侣往往会引发严重不利的经济后果,尤其是对女性而言。因此,许多单身母亲和父亲必须为生存而不懈奋斗,繁忙的工作往往不允许他们有足够时间去照顾孩子。

  但我有经济保障,我有时间照顾孩子,我还有一个很好的工作。渐渐地,我的孩子们开始在晚上安然入睡,他们越来越少哭闹,他们又能玩耍了。

  第三个假象是永久性——以为悲伤将永远持续下去。

  有那么好几个月,无论我做什么,我都感觉那令人窒息的悲伤将永远伴随着我。

  我们有时候觉得自己现在感受到的情感是会无限期地存在的,然后我们会经历由情感衍生来的其他情绪。我们首先会感到焦虑,然后会为自己的焦虑而焦虑。我们觉得伤心,然后又会为自己的伤心而伤心。

  实际上,我们应该接受自己的感情。但同时,也应该清楚地明白,它们并不会永远地持续下去。我的犹太教拉比告诉我,时间会治愈一切,但现在我需要向前一步去直面悲剧。这是个好建议,但并不是指的我写的那本书“lean in。”

  至于第四个P……就不需要我来解释了,你们都懂的,这自然是奶酪板上的Pizza嘛。(有什么事儿一个 Pizza 不能解决的,那就来两个~)

  话又说回来,我其实很希望我在你们这个年龄的时候,就能够了解到有关失败假象的这三个理论。现在回想起来,知晓这些事情,实际上从可以很大程度上帮助曾经的我。

  当我还在做大学毕业后的第一份工作时,我的老板发现我不懂操作Lotus 1-2-3表格。这是一个电子表格——去问你们的父母。他张大着嘴惊讶地说:“我简直不敢相信,你们连这个都不会,却能得到这份工作。”然后他走出了房间。我回家的时候深信我会被解雇。

  我以为我在所有事情上都很糟糕。但事实证明,我只不过是不太擅长做电子表格罢了。如果早些知道“普遍性”的假象,我当时就不会那样焦虑了。

  现在回忆起来曾经和男朋友分手的事,我也希望我那时可以理解“永久性”的假象。这样一来我就可以自我宽慰。因为我会早知道,那种感觉其实不会永远持续下去,如果我对自己诚实的话,我就会懂得任何关系都不是永远存在的。

  当我的男朋友和我分手时,我也希望已经理解了“个人化”的假象。有的事情,不是你们的过错,真的是别人的过错。我的意思是说,这家伙从来不洗澡。

  在我20多岁时,我的第一次婚姻以离婚告终,那时所有的失败假象都在一同折磨着我。我当时认为无论我已经有了怎样的成就,我都是一个大写的失败。

  这三个假象是我们面对许多事情时会产生的常见反应,在事业上,在个人生活中,在人际关系上。你们或许会觉得你们现在就面对着它们中的一个。

  但是,如果你们能认清你们正落入了这些陷阱,你们就能自救。正如我们的身体有一个生理免疫系统,我们的大脑也有一个精神免疫系统,有一些步骤可以帮助你们开启你们的精神免疫系统。

  有一天,我的心理学家朋友Adam Grant建议我想象事情本可以更糟糕。这完全是反直觉的。“更糟糕?”我说。“你是在逗我吗?事情怎么可能会变得比现在还要糟糕呢?”

  他回答说:“Dave也很有可能在开车带着孩子们出去时突发心脏病。”意识到这一点的那一瞬,我很强烈地感激我家里的其他人都还安然无事地活着。这种感激之情在那一瞬间超越了我心中的苦楚。

  试着去寻找那些让你们觉得感恩的事情,这是从悲伤中复原的关键。那些能够花时间列出值得让自己感动的小事情的人,会变得越来越快乐和健康。事实证明,感恩你们的福分可以增加你们的福分。

  我今年的新年决心是每天晚上睡觉前写下这天的三个幸福时刻。这件简单的事情已经改变了我的生活。因为不管每一天发生什么,我都会想着快乐的事情入睡。你们也可以试试。

  上个月,也就是戴维逝世周年前的十一天,我在一个朋友面前失声痛哭,那时我们坐在浴室地板上。我说:“十一天。一年前,他的生命只剩下十一天了,而我却一无所知。”于是我们泪眼朦胧地看着对方问道,如果我们知道我们还剩11天了,我们将如何度过?

  在你们毕业之际,你们能够做到让自己过得就像生命只剩下最后十一天一样吗?我并不是让你们抛开所有事情,每天都去开party(今晚例外)。我的意思是,我们应该明白每一天都是多么珍贵。每一天真的都是那么的珍贵。

  几年前,我的妈妈不得不做换臀手术。当她还年轻的时候,她走路并没有不舒服。但是,随着她臀部的衰变,每走一步都是痛苦。时至今日,哪怕是她的手术的好几年后,她对之前她可以不觉痛苦行走的每一个步都充满着感激。

  在我生命中最糟糕的事情发生一年之后的今天,我站在这里,有两件事情是确切存在的。我心里始终有一片望不到尽头的悲伤之海,它就在那里,我可以触摸到它。我从来不知道我可以哭得那么频繁,那么悲痛。

  但我也知道,我每天都可以正常行走。这是我第一次为我的每一个呼吸而感激,为我依然活着而感激。我过去是每五年庆祝一次我的生日,偶尔庆祝朋友们的生日。如今,我总在庆祝着。

  我曾经在睡前常常为当天搞砸的事情而揪心着,相信我,真的有好多糟心的事情。现在,我会努力去回顾每天的幸福瞬间

  说来讽刺,我失去了丈夫,但这件事却帮我找到了更深的感激——感谢我朋友们的善意、家人们的爱和我的孩子们的欢声笑语。我希望当你们需要时,你们可以怀有那样的感激之情,不仅是为美好的日子感激,也要为艰难的日子而感激。

  未来你们会有很多快乐的时刻。你们一直想去的旅行。与你们超级喜欢的人第一次接吻。找到一份和你价值观相符且热爱的工作。

  击败斯坦福!( Go Bears! )

  这些事情都将会发生在你们身上的。请尽情享受每一件事情。

  我希望你们好好活着,快乐地、有意义地过好你们珍贵的每一天。我希望你们没有痛苦地行走,这意味着你们有好好珍惜你们所走的每一步。

  然后,当挑战来临的时候,我希望你们能够记得,在你们内心深处牢牢稳固着的,是你们可以不断学习和成长的能力。你们并非天生具有从苦难中康复的能力,但是这种能力就像肌肉一样,是可以锻炼的,然后当你们需要时就可以用到它。在这个过程中,你们会明白你们自己是谁,你们也会知道你们可以成为最好的自己。

  2016级的毕业生们,当你们离开伯克利大学时,请建立起你们的恢复能力。

  请在你们的内心建立起恢复能力。

  当你在生活中遇到不幸的时候,你们会懂得,实际上你们有能力战胜那些不幸。相信我,你们绝对有这个能力。就像俗话说的一样,我们比我们想象的更脆弱,但我们也比我们想象的更强大。

  请建立互助的恢复组织。

  如果别人可以做到,你们也可以做到,因为伯克利大学充满了想要把这个世界变得更美好的人。永远不要放弃坚持做到这个,不管是在一个没有代表性的会议室,不管是在一个不安全的校园。

  请大声地说出来,尤其是在这样的一个大学,你们无比珍视的大学。我很喜欢的一张贴在办公室的海报这样写道 “在Facebook,没有任何一件事情仅仅是其他人的事情。” 当你们看到一件事情不对,请尝试修正它。

  也请建立恢复团体。

  在我们与彼此联系中,我们发现了我们的人性——我们的生存意志和我们的爱的能力。成为你们家人和朋友的依靠。我说的是面对面地,而不是发给对方一个有emoji爱心的短信。

  治愈彼此,帮助彼此赶走那些关于第二选择的悲观想法。还有,要记得庆祝你们生命里的每一个小确幸。

  整个世界都在你们的面前。我迫不及待地想看到你们将做些什么。

  祝贺你们!Go Bears!

  译者注:

  将 “moment of joy” 译为了小确幸。

  “小确幸”一词源于村上春树的随笔集《兰格汉斯岛的午后》,后经翻译家林少华直译而进入现代汉语,指细小而确实的幸福。

  希望这篇文章能够在毕业之际,带给大家更多关于希望、信仰、内心坚持不懈的力量,并珍惜生命中的每一份小确幸。

From: Australia South Australia Adelaide @melcyan Time : 2017-02-07 07:16:21 #7

@sandy339 I enjoy talking with you because your words have a habit of taking me to interesting places. I can't stand Justin Bieber but I listened to his song because of you. I realised that I had heard it several times before. There is one part of the song that I really like. It is where he says "my mum likes everyone but she didn't like you". The West is very different to China., We have a tendency to ignore our parents more and even deliberately go against their wishes when it comes to choosing a partner. (Maybe Shakespeare started it with "Romeo and Juliet")

 

If you read John's latest blog, My Take on New to Chinese Dating, and the resulting comments, you will understand why I wrote this forum thread.

 

 

From: Australia South Australia Adelaide @melcyan Time : 2017-02-07 07:52:12 #8

@zqy2014 I take your word "modesty" to mean "free from ego". I agree with your words.

 

Self-love is a feeling. Like all feelings, it ebbs and flows. It gets tested when we make mistakes, when life throws us a challenge and when we mix with other people who do not love themselves.

 

While self-love ebbs and flows, its essence is still like deep water. At is essence there is a feeling of peace, tranquility and acceptance. This essence of self-love can be found anytime by diving beneath the surface of our thoughts. A single deep meditative breath can get us there. When I meditate, I feel that self-love and a love for all life are one and the same.

 

 

From: Australia South Australia Adelaide @melcyan Time : 2017-02-07 07:57:40 #9

"Not loving yourself can prevent you from forming healthy relationships." 

 

"Unloving behaviour towards your loved ones mostly stems from the problems you have with yourself. Tiredness, anger, perfectionism, shame and anxiety get in the way of love."

 

From: China 浙江(zhe jiang) 宁波(ning bo ) @zqy2014 Time : 2017-02-07 14:13:15 #10

@melcyan

Yes all relationship with others reflects the one with ourselves. During the interaction with others, we see some truth and something about ourselves and then we go back ourselves to adjust or fix. Due to this or that kinds of reasons, since one child is born, he/she will be more or less molded by parents, others and the societ and lost connection with herself/himself. It can be called as some kind of disaster for that child as he/she one day may suddenly realize he/she has never lived for himself/herself and all he/she is owning are not what he/she want at all. Then he/she has to take lots of efforts and long enough time to get himself/herself back.

From: Australia South Australia Adelaide @melcyan Time : 2017-02-07 20:51:41 #11

@Kittyzx2015

Thanks for giving me the chance to read Sheryl Sandberg's speech. She was listed in Time's top 100 most influential people in the world for 2012. It is easy to see why you value her words.

 

I identify with how she handles grief and the way she used gratitude in the grief healing process. She focuses on self-esteem, gratitude, resilience and creating opportunities for success. This thread is focusing on self-love. I will explain the difference between self-love and self-esteem later when I have more time.

From: Australia South Australia Adelaide @melcyan Time : 2017-02-09 20:05:52 #12

 @zqy2014

 

“all relationship with others reflect the one with ourselves.”

 

These words are very true but at times they can be difficult for us to accept. The key difference between self-esteem and self-love is EGO. Self-esteem without any trace of EGO is self-love. Self-esteem is often related to what we are good at whereas self-love relates to everything we experience regardless of our abilities or skills.

 

When I was 23 years old my self-esteem related to my knowledge of Chemistry and not much else.

 

At 57 years of age my self-esteem related to my knowledge of Chemistry + teaching skill +basketball coaching skill +dancing skill+parenting skill + self-love. Of these 6 areas, self-love was by far the most important. At 57 my relationship with my Chinese partner started.

 

I am now nearly 65 and several of those areas have faded, but my self-love has increased. Self-love enhances our ability with all things that we attempt. I am a better parent and partner now than at any other stage of my life. Why? Greater self-love.

 

zqy2014, my parents failed me many times but I believe that they did their best they could with the knowledge and upbringing that they had experienced. By forgiving them, accepting them and loving them, I opened the way for me to be a better parent and life partner. It is true that we are moulded by our parents in a way that may not be the best for us but once we are adults we take over the responsibility for moulding our own maturation and self-love. If we choose to fully accept that responsibility, the rewards are enormous.

From: Australia South Australia Adelaide @melcyan Time : 2017-02-09 20:21:45 #13

Here is another article on self-love worth reading.

 

Self-Love Must Come First: How to Love Yourself

 

 by Joyce Marter Psychotherapist

 

 

Imagine how you treat yourself on a daily basis as if you were another person, in a relationship with you.

Are you good to yourself? Is your mind kind to your body and soul?

In my practice and my own psycho-spiritual journey, I see that at times we all:

*Beat ourselves up with cruel self-talk
*Set ourselves up for failure with unrealistic expectations
*Deprive ourselves of things we deserve through self-sabotaging behaviors
*Abuse our bodies through neglect or harmful choices

These behaviors wreak havoc on our mental and physical health, our relationships, and our careers. We must choose a different path.

After 20 years of counseling individuals and couples, as well as doing my own inner work, I’ve come to believe that perhaps our greatest life lesson is learning how to fully accept and love ourselves.

For only when we are truly aligned with our own beautiful and unique spirit, can we completely and authentically give and receive real love. This is because when we love ourselves we know that we can give without becoming resentful, exhausted and depleted, and we can receive because we know we deserve it. Self-love is the prerequisite for complete immersion in the abundant flow of light and love in the world around us.

But how does one love oneself?

In The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, he identifies the five ways in which we can give and receive love. Below, these languages are applied to self-love with practical suggestions:

1. Words of Affirmation: Think Self-Love

*Practice daily affirmations. Our thoughts precede our emotions and behaviors.
*Recite mantras that encourage self-compassion. Bring your attention to being good to yourself.
*Journal your strengths and everything about you for which you are grateful. Document everything you accomplish, feel good about, do right, like about yourself, etc.
*Keep your self-talk positive. Turn down the volume of your inner critic and choose to be your best coach or cheerleader.

2. Acts of Service: Do Self-Love

*Prepare healthy meals for yourself. Put thought and effort into grocery shopping and meal preparation.
*Create an organized, clean and aesthetically pleasing home environment for yourself. Love where you live, even if on a budget.
*Schedule regular physical, dental and mental health check-ups. Address any health concerns in a timely manner if they arise. Without your health, you have nothing.
*Groom yourself with love and care. Put yourself together so that you feel like the beautiful person that you are.

3. Receiving Gifts: Absorb Self-Love

*Buy only what you love. Don’t allow things in your home and closet that don’t bring you positive vibrations. (While you’re at it, purge that which does not bring you joy.)
*Gift yourself with an experience on your bucket list. Always wanted to sky dive or go whitewater rafting? Budget it out and plan it. Enlist the help and support of friends as needed.
*Invest in your education and advancement. Want to pursue a higher degree? Take a cooking class? Learn how to be a yoga instructor? Do the research, apply for grants and scholarships, volunteer to learn new skills. Gift yourself with knowledge.
*Treat yourself to the wisdom and perspective gained from travel. Limited funds? Consider volunteer or service work or pooling together resources with friends and traveling on the cheap.

4. Quality Time: Be Present with Self-Love

*Set aside time for daily mindfulness practices such as meditation, deep breathing or progressive muscle relaxation. These devotions will help you connect with your highest self.
*Make time for leisure and hobbies. Time for play and enjoyment is an important aspect of celebrating the gift of life.
*Prioritize sleep and exercise. You must reboot and revitalize your physical being.
*Do not over-schedule, over-book or over-commit. Your life is worth more than being a gerbil on a wheel...

5. Physical Touch: Feel Self-Love

*Stretch your muscles and give yourself a massage with a foam roller. Relax into your body.
*Release toxins by taking a hot bath with epsom salts. Release the stress and soak in the love.
*Moisturize your skin with lotions or oils. As you touch your skin, thank each body part for all it does for you.
*Give yourself a spa treatment: manicure, pedicure, facial, deep conditioning treatment, etc. Know you are worth extraordinary care.

Self-love is a journey. It takes dedication, devotion, and practice. Resolve to love yourself each and every day and watch your best self blossom and your greatest life unfold! Self-love is an exponential force.

 

 

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.” — Buddha

 

 

From: Australia South Australia Adelaide @melcyan Time : 2017-02-14 05:12:26 #14

@melcyan

 

你是我的知己

你是我的唯一

我永远爱你

情人节快乐!

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