Chinese Women, Asian Women, Online Dating & Things Chinese and Asian
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How do you deal with a relationship problem with your Chinese partner?

From: Australia South Australia Adelaide @melcyan Time : 2016-06-30 21:59:59

If you are looking at making a Chinese woman your life partner there is no easy path.



Who is on your side? Who should you listen to?



One of my favorite stories is "The bird that refused to migrate"



A little bird in Russia refused to join the pack which was flying south for the winter. It refused to listen to its' parents and elders thinking it can tough it out. 

Winter came and  It was so cold so the bird froze and fell to the ground covered with snow. A cow came by and dropped some dung on the bird. The pile of cow dung warmed the bird and brought it back to life. It lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy.A passing cat heard the bird singing, took the bird out of the pile of cow dung, and ate it.



Morals of the story:

(1) Don't discount the experienced advice of people who care for your success.

(2) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(3) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(4) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!



Moral number 1



This includes the advice of experienced competent counselors as people who care about your success. Quite often we make the make the mistake of accepting the advice of people whose only qualification is that they have experienced "similar" pain. These people are dangerous if they have not solved their own problems or fully owned their problems. They identify a villain(s) that we may too quickly agree with and the wrong actions follow from there.



Moral number 2



We need honest criticism and often honest criticism hurts. The person giving the honest criticism may not care for us at all but that is no reason to ignore it.



Moral number 3



People who tell us we did the right thing when we actually stuffed up big time are not helping us. Also, temporary relief from pain just makes matters worse. Sometimes we just have to engage, engage and engage with our partner and endure the pain until a resolution (positive or negative) is achieved.



Moral number 4



Choose and deliver your words with great care. Be very careful how public you make your problems with your partner. Consulting a competent experienced counselor is never a betrayal of your partner. It is in fact a sign of the utmost respect for your relationship. However, sharing detailed information with people who have no right to know is an act of betrayal.



You and your partner are a team. The two of you are the most important team in the world. Sometimes it is you and her against the world. It should never ever be you and the world against your partner.


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From: China 四川(si chuan) 眉山(mei shan ) @jessieabc Time : 2016-07-06 16:52:21 #1

Ohh my gosh, what you said is so right, I like it very much. Did you retire? why can you write this long blog so patiently? I may retire this year, I will still come here and read some blogs .

I remeber you married a Chinese lady,may you be happy every day!

I married an American guy, we are very happy to our marriage life.

From: Australia South Australia Adelaide @melcyan Time : 2016-07-08 09:10:16 #2

@jessieabc Thank you. Congratulations on your successful marriage.May you and your partner be happy every day too.  Retirement? Are talking about retirement from work or CLM?:D

From: China 四川(si chuan) 眉山(mei shan ) @jessieabc Time : 2016-07-08 13:58:48 #3

melcyan, i wanted to ask you if you have retired from your work, not from CLM.

By the way, could you share something about your life with your chinese wife in Australia?

From: Australia Victoria Thomastown @roughdiamond Time : 2016-07-08 20:06:31 #4

~~(1) Don't discount the experienced advice of people who care for your success.

(2) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(3) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(4) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Truer words have never been spoken.

 

From: China 陕西(shan xi) 西安(xi an ) @Anniehow Time : 2016-07-09 18:45:43 #5


Story telling is vivid and powerful to pass on an important message. 



 I agree relationship conflicts should be solved between the couple themselves and one or two trusted close friends at most. It is difficult to understand those who share the private details in their relationships, especially when it comes to conflicts. Frankly most people are on-lookers who are more curious than concerned about someone else's problems.



It reminds me of my experience when I was asked to translate some articles. I felt surprised people would choose to write such incidents in detail in public, which does not reflect very well on the person or the partner involved. But again it proves how different each individual is.


From: Australia South Australia Adelaide @melcyan Time : 2016-07-11 21:48:32 #6

@jessieabc

I read your comment last week and now that the weekend is over I have time to reply to you.

 

I retired from full-time teaching in 2009 and from occasional teaching in January 2016 when I decided not to renew my teacher registration.

 

If you look at my comments on page 6 of Online Dating – How it Changes with Distance by Melcyan there is a description of the most difficult day of my relationship with my Chinese partner. No kidding, that is our worst day. Friends say we would have a lot more trouble if we lived together all the time. I doubt it.

 

We have been in a relationship since August 2010. Since then the longest times that we have been together, have been our visits to China, two months at a time.

 

We met for the very first time at the end of 2007 in dancing classes. She was a better dancer than me so we had limited opportunities to dance together. We got along well and while my dancing was not great, I understood her poor English better than others. Despite getting along well there were no clear signs that we would end up together.

 

From 2007 to 2010 my improvement in ballroom dancing was slow and her improvement was rapid. Many years of high level classical Chinese dance in China before she came to Australia in 1989 proved to be an excellent preparation for ballroom dancing. Many of the better male dancers were seeking to partner her.

 

In June of 2010, my then dancing partner was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. It had spread throughout her body and she had only months to live. Some of her friends couldn’t deal with it and stayed away from her. Previously we had only danced but I became a close friend with her in the last few months of her life. I visited her at least three times a week. Facing up to death is a great teacher. I considered it an amazing privilege to be allowed to spend this time with her.

 

I was determined not to make the same mistakes as my dying friend had with her life. I had always been a shy introvert and I often missed opportunities in life because I was too cautious. Normally an introvert like me and a person like my Chinese partner would never end up together. She had three regular dancing partners and a waiting list of many others. She was single but did not date because she did not want to leave her mother alone too much.

 

I had only ever dated Caucasian women in the past. Part of me doing things differently was to talk more and more with this lovely Chinese dancer who was out of my league. She admired the way I supported my dancing partner.

 

One cold night we found ourselves together in front of a warm fire listening to the music of Andrea Bocelli. Through the large bay window, we could see moonlight dancing on the sea. That night our lives changed forever.

 

Right now my life partner is a full-time carer for her mother five days a week (no dancing) and my “wife” two days a week, including just one night of dancing (mama has another carer for these two days). We both own our own houses. I visit her house a few times a week and she stays at my place on weekends.

 

I will marry her whenever she decides the time is right. Right now it is mama’s time more than it is our time and I will always support my partner whatever path she chooses. While the circumstances that I have described are not appealing to many, we are both very happy with our lives and very grateful for every moment we share.

From: Australia South Australia Adelaide @melcyan Time : 2016-07-15 12:36:24 #7

@jessieabc and @roughdiamond

I have a question for you.

How do you know you have achieved genuine "heart to heart" communication with your partner?

 

From: Australia Victoria Thomastown @roughdiamond Time : 2016-07-16 19:48:04 #8

@melcyan you just believe it to be true and poof...blessed are the cheese makers .and then on a more serious note, it is about the truth and honesty of the communication. I suppose I look at it like the whole God thing, there is no way to tell its real or not but people still believe. So love "if thats what you mean by heart to heart" is the same idea to me, there is no magic test to determin if two people are ""in love"" its about belief, which I also refer to as a state of mind.so to keep that state of mind going I reinforce it every morning and night by giving my wife sweet kiss, and telling both her and myself out loud that i love her very much. hope that answers your ?

From: China 四川(si chuan) 眉山(mei shan ) @jessieabc Time : 2016-07-17 14:03:13 #9

Ohh my gosh, such a wonderful story,melcyan. from your description, I know you love your girl friend very much, so happy to see that.Although there are some new words I could not understand, but which didnot affect my reading your story, hehe.

How do you know you have achieved genuine "heart to heart" communication with your partner? this is really depends on the woman's personality :

if she does love you,not because of loving you for your money, which will be easier;

if she is very honest, which will be eaiser;

if she is very understanding, which will be eaiser;

if she is frank , which  will be easier;

if she is not greedy, which will be easier;

if she has a good heart, which will be easier;

if she is not bossy, which will be easier;

if she is not high maintainant, which will be easier; 

if she is patient, which will be easier;

..........

hehe if she also wants to have a genuine "heart to heart"talk, which is the easiest.among a relationship, usually a person loves the other a little more. one person is a little more selfish and the other is more generous.

keep in touch, melcyan.

 

From: Australia South Australia Adelaide @melcyan Time : 2016-07-19 12:50:48 #10

@jessieabc and @roughdiamond

Thank you for your thoughtful replies to my question.

Andrew, your reply is consistent with my view that we remake ourselves and our relationships every day. By “heart to heart”, I did not mean “love” but honest communication that does not let “words” get in the way of understanding.

When you have a “heart to heart” connection, the other really gets who you are and you really get who they are. I like the fact that you work at making your relationship stronger with your partner each day.

Jessieabc, I appreciate you English words written with Chinese thoughts. My partner has said similar words to me. My partner says that I love her more than she loves me. That is probably true but she also loves me much more than anyone has ever loved me before. So, maybe we are just comparing infinity with infinity plus one.

From: China 四川(si chuan) 眉山(mei shan ) @jessieabc Time : 2016-07-20 16:13:28 #11

melcyan,  I am very happy to hear that and thank you for you compliment at the same time.:)

I am an english teacher in a high school in Tibet, China. I have been working there for totally 15 years,I like my job very much, but my heart is not as good as before, so the doctor advised me to quit the job or retire if I can. I may apply sick retirement first, if the leaders willnot agree(because I am coming to 41years old,not old enough to retire formally), I will quit the job because of my heart problem.

I am moved by your story with your Chinese girl, and I am an honest woman, so it is easy for me to chat with people here if they like honest talk, but in some chinese eyes, I may be like a fool, because I am too honest.

My American husband and I are getting along very well, because both of us are very honest and usually consider a thing in an optimistic way, so sometimes we made a mistake, too.

About our life is like this: when my honey comes to China, he will live in my flat and I  pay for everything for us, including tour cost and buy some clothes;when I live in USA, he pays everything , including tour cost and buy some clothes. we have very similar hobbies,so we are very happy and enjoying our happy marriage life. We also plan to go to Australia to travel next year, maybe we will see you and your girl friend in real life.

From: China 广东(guang dong) 广州(guang zhou ) @WarmLifeGz7 Time : 2016-07-21 12:20:28 #12

@jessieabc   
@melcyan

After reading both of your comments -- I hope that your optimistic and healthy relationship with pasion for life and each other will continue to develop and deepen when both of you begin to live with each other 24/7 .   There is a Chinese saying -- Marriage is the tomb of passion for each other ...  yes I know the original --  The real quest for the Holy Grail (this is a pun from Monty Python not religious )  is to continue to have passion for each other day in and day out (and that one bone of romantic essence long ago does not need to worry about finding a Chinese gal seeking her Knight in shining armor who says Nee! more likely to be the French guy taunting Arthur below )  In English speaking areas the other proverbial aspect is to "take each other for granite (granted) .   All the best for both couples!!  (dance)(f)(party) 

From: Australia South Australia Adelaide @melcyan Time : 2016-07-22 08:57:07 #13

@jessieabc

I like your words on honesty and they made me remember a Zen Koan

"“If you meet a swordsman on the road, show your sword; do not offer poetry to one who is not a poet."

My partner, like you, is very honest but she is careful who she shares her honesty with. If she is with someone she considers unworthy of her honesty, then she remains silent. I am lucky that my partner is the world's worst liar. 

My partner and I are only free to meet people on weekends and every Saturday night we go ballroom dancing. Maybe we could introduce you and your husband to ballroom dancing?

From: Australia South Australia Adelaide @melcyan Time : 2016-07-22 10:07:27 #14

@jessieabc

" I may be like a fool, because I am too honest."

The biggest fools in this world are the ones who live their whole lives without being fully honest with themselves. That also means they have never been in a position  to share total honesty with another human being. They think they are smart and worldly, but in reality, they are just foolish losers. 

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