Chinese Women, Asian Women, Online Dating & Things Chinese and Asian
Thread

HOW TO TRULY LISTEN

From: Australia South Australia Adelaide @melcyan Time : 2018-02-07 17:19:42
“How to truly listen” - that definitely sounds like a skill needed by someone entering a Western man / Chinese woman relationship. “How to truly listen” is the title of a TED talk given by Evelyn Glennie. What is surprising about this talk is that Evelyn Glennie is a deaf percussionist. Her aim is to teach the world to listen. Her message is very relevant for CLM.

We have to listen to ourselves and hear ourselves properly before we can hear another. We need time and patience to interpret sound. Other senses like sight and touch are also needed to inform what we hear. We need to connect sound with every other sense available. Awareness and presence are essential for us to hear what is really there.

The implications for accurate communication between a Western man and a Chinese man are enormous. Both could be fluent in English and still fail to communicate. To connect with our Chinese partner we must first be self- aware, self-loving and fully present. We then need to use every available sense to fully connect with our Chinese partner.

When we listen to another, we need to suspend judgement and resonate in every way possible with the other. We must give our partner our FULL attention. If you limit yourself by only listening to the English words of your Chinese partner it will be impossible for you to ever fully resonate with her.

Evelyn Glennie is deaf and one of the world’s best percussionists. She does not hear what we hear. She “hears” much, much more. It is possible for a Western man to hear from a Chinese woman much, much more than her limited English conveys. Are you prepared to become such a man?

Evelyn Glennie’s amazing TED talk can be found with this link -



https://www.ted.com/talks/evelyn_glennie_shows_how_to_listen

Comments to Thread
(Showing 1 to 14 of 17) 1 2 More...
From: Australia South Australia Adelaide @melcyan Time : 2018-02-08 14:29:23 #1

Third paragraph "communication between a Western man and a Chinese man " should read "comunication between a Western man and a Chinese woman"

Anonymous26141
@Anonymous26141 Time : 2018-02-08 20:20:26 #2

How have you put it to practice? Would your wife say you're a good listener?

From: Australia South Australia Adelaide @melcyan Time : 2018-02-09 21:30:36 #3

@YinTingYu

Could you please watch the TED talk listed above and give me your opinion. Do you think this talk has relevance for CLM in the way that I have described?

 

@CLM women

The TED talk above has a Chinese transcript available.

 

@Anonymous26141

The key for me listening fully to my partner is to be fully present and give my partner full attention. If you can do that you will be able to read her body language , her emotions and be able to make sense of her imperfect English.

 

If you are an animal lover you may understand what I am about to say next. When I was a boy our family had a pet cat. The cat liked me much better than anyone else because I gave her full attention when I patted her. My partner also has the same magic touch with cats. We have that magic touch with each other. We can read each other with our finger tips when we are giving each other full attention.

 

Sometimes full attention is not possible. Fatigue and worry can get in the way. My forum thread “Fooled on New Year’s Eve” is a good example of that. My partner says I read her better than any other person ever has but she would also be quick to add that my listening skills could be better. She often jokes that I “have only one nerve” - meaning I cannot multitask. She reluctantly accepts that I cannot change a tap washer and fully listen to a conversation from her at the same time.

 

 

From: United States Texas Canyon Lake @YinTingYu Time : 2018-02-11 02:57:03 #4

  @melcyan

Hello Sir Mel !! TexasRooster here. I always like what you have to say and I am in agreement 99.5% of the time.

Communication between couples is of vital importance. Wanted to ask  if you have ever heard of a technique called "Active Listening" ?

For edification of member readers, it is the practice of one partner saying in one or two sentences what is on thier mind and,...the other partner repeats Exactly what has been stated. I know this is basic stuff for you and me but, others may not know and really can work if both partners are willing.

I would recommend a caveat of caution for members and especially males. The female(?) may respond with the exact wording but will likely add two paragraphs of emoted diatribe that really are not pertinent to the discussion at hand !! (HaHaHa). Be ready.

It's an interesting excercise and can be beneficial to the union.

Now I know this is a twist from the Forum Thread that has been presented but, I feel like writing now and wish for your input.

The topic on mind  is "Tango". I know you have a good deal of "Ball Room" dancing experience and I wonder if you see a paralell between "Milonga" style Tango and what is going on here. Is this not "Tango de CLM" ? Perhaps all of life is some form of Tango ? Let me know your thoughts when you have time.

Take care, Gongji

 

From: United States Texas Canyon Lake @YinTingYu Time : 2018-02-11 03:08:35 #5

@melcyan

Hi Mel !! Thanks for requesting my opinion. I'll give it a watch and a "Listen" sometime over the weekend. Have little concern about relevance. If Sir Mel has recommended a TED talk and it is even tangently related to the topic at hand, I will find a way to show pertinence (hehehe). Take care brother man.

Y.T.Y. Gongji

From: Australia South Australia Adelaide @melcyan Time : 2018-02-12 22:41:25 #6

@YinTingYu

 

Hi Gongji

 

I am very familiar with the “active listening” technique from my experience in teaching and counselling. It requires the participants to be fluent in a common language and to possess a definite will to communicate. My partner is not fluent in English but we still manage to communicate at a very high level.

 

When I saw the TED talk by deaf percussionist, Evelyn Glennie, it struck a chord with me. She may only hear a tiny amount through her ears but she also hears through her finger tips, her arms, her chest, her scalp – her whole body. She even hears through her eyes. Her deep love of music helps her makes these connections on many different levels. As a musician I thought you would appreciate her message better than most.

 

If my partner and I were restricted to the English language, our communication would be poor. We definitely hear each other with our eyes. We definitely hear each other with our touch. Our common language of Dance is much stronger than our common language of English. Our actions towards each other and our families speak directly to our hearts.

 

I think there are definite parallels between the way Evelyn uses a greatly extended hearing repertoire for music and the way my partner and I use a communication repertoire extended way beyond the limits of basic English.

From: Switzerland Bern - Berne Bern @kalzorch Time : 2018-02-14 19:14:07 #7

I'm not sure what it means to be "fully present", but I suspect it means the same thing as giving full attention.  This is neither necessary nor sufficient for achieving full communication.  Allison Armstrong (understandmen.com) talks a lot about the differing communication styles of men and women, and how we can learn to understand each other better.  The difficulties are immense, and she assumes we share a common language and culture, and enjoy the full bandwidth of meeting in person.

Having a "magic touch" with an animal or person has nothing to do with full attention.  It is about being on the same wavelength, and quite possibly having shared past lifetimes together.  Some people can hardly stand to be in the same room with me, much less have a chance at effective communication.  In German there's an expression used by sportscasters to talk about teammates: "sie verstehen sich blind" (they understand each other blind), which means that they just intuitively understand each other, no communication necessary.

From: Australia South Australia Adelaide @melcyan Time : 2018-02-15 15:37:37 #8

@kalzorch

 

I have tried to communicate to CLM readers how my partner (a Chinese woman) and I ( a Western man) communicate at a high level without sharing a high level of English. I haven't succeeded with you and there is no evidence that I have succeeded with anyone else. I thought the TED talk that inspired me to write this thread would might help. it looks like it hasn't. Some threads just don't work. Maybe this is one of them.

 

"In German there's an expression used by sportscasters to talk about teammates: "sie verstehen sich blind" (they understand each other blind), which means that they just intuitively understand each other, no communication necessary."  I coached basketball for more than twenty years. "They understand each other blind" makes perfect sense to me. There is no visible gesture or sound between the two players that is understood by an outside observer but they share similar learnings and mental constructs that enable them to see empty spaces and the unfolding of time on a court in a way that others don't. It looks like intuition or magic but it is based on a deep understanding of the game and the other player's capabilities.

From: Switzerland Bern - Berne Bern @kalzorch Time : 2018-02-27 19:12:53 #9


@melcyan

I think we agree that communication does not necessarily require a lot of words.  For two who are in tune with each other, a touch, a gesture, a glance, a grunt can be enough.  In the case of sports, as you so aptly point out, nothing is required.  When  two both want to understand each other, not a whole lot is required for a common language.

On the other hand, speaking of the practicalities of meeting your life partner via internet with not much common language, the hard part is getting to the point where you know that you resonate with each other.  Once both know that, the will is there to overcome any barriers of language or distance.

From: Australia South Australia Adelaide @melcyan Time : 2018-02-28 16:37:11 #10

@kalzorch

 

“speaking of the practicalities of meeting your life partner via internet with not much common language, the hard part is getting to the point where you know that you resonate with each other.  Once both know that, the will is there to overcome any barriers of language or distance.”

 

I agree.

 

My partner and I met in Adelaide and knew each other for nearly 3 years before our relationship started. If she lived in Shanghai we never could have made a connection because at the time she was very different from my concept of an ideal match and her English was poor.

 

I think we all have hundreds, maybe thousands of “ideal” partners in this amazing world and these “ideal” partners would vary enormously.

 

The challenge of meeting my ideal partner face to face in Adelaide is very different from meeting my ideal partner online from anywhere in Australia and very different again to use international online dating.

 

These three very different ways require very different strategies for success. Basics like knowing and loving yourself don’t change but nearly everything else is different. Each way will create unique and evolving definitions of “possible” and “impossible”. I think the TED talk I referred to in this thread greatly challenges our definitions of “possible” and “impossible”.

 

The following joke comes to mind “A policeman sees a drunk man searching for something under a streetlight and asks what the drunk has lost. He says he lost his keys and they both look under the streetlight together. After a few minutes the policeman asks if he is sure he lost them here, and the drunk replies, no, that he lost them in the park. The policeman asks why he is searching here, and the drunk replies, “this is where the light is.”

 

In my search for a life partner I managed to change my concept of an ideal partner from the one I used in online searching across Australia. I moved beyond “Caucasian only” and I moved beyond “cannot be superstitious”. If you want to find your “missing keys”, don’t limit yourself to the light of the lamp post. You need to find or develop a portable “light source” that meets your needs. Online dating between Western men and Chinese women requires a greater openness to learning and a will to develop new ways of communicating.

 

Kalzorch, you are fortunate. You can speak both English and German. This should give you an advantage over CLM men who can only speak English. I think this would make it easier for you to recognise the efforts made by another to cross the language barrier and make you more tolerant of the inevitable language mistakes. You should also be quicker to recognise when a language barrier is too great.

From: United States Texas Canyon Lake @YinTingYu Time : 2018-03-01 20:10:35 #11

@melcyan

Sir Mel, don't give up on this Rooster yet. Things are gettin' mighty whipped up here.

Just hang. I WILL  respond !!

Cool??

OK.

Knows you understand. ;)  (y);)

Gongji

From: China 江苏(jiang su) 扬州(yang zhou ) @paulfox1 Time : 2018-04-15 22:12:50 #12

How can you listen to others when you refuse to listen to yourself ?

From: Australia South Australia Adelaide @melcyan Time : 2018-04-16 15:51:15 #13

@Paulfox1

Your comment emphasizes just how much my thread here has missed the mark. The highly provocative title HOW TO TRULY LISTEN is a quote from a brilliant deaf musician who is trying to shock her audience into appreciating a much more diverse approach to the art of listening to sound. I thought her message had definite parallels for the challenges facing communication between Western men and Chinese women. So far no one has agreed with me. Conclusion - big thread fail!

From: China 江苏(jiang su) 扬州(yang zhou ) @paulfox1 Time : 2018-04-17 21:26:12 #14


@melcyan

'Listening' to what ?

All of us; EVERY HUMAN BEING; resonates on a 'frequency'. Not only US, but EVERYTHING around us. The Earth itself is a living, breathing 'being'.

Have you ever walked into a room that feels 'tense'? Why?

Conversely, you MUST have walked into a room that's full of 'energy' and 'happy' - Why????

 

It's all to do with 'frequency'.

Study the works of Nikola Tesla..................You may be surprised to learn that EVERYTHING you were taught at school is a LIE !

Comments to Thread
(Showing 1 to 14 of 17) 1 2 More...
Comments
To respond to another member's comment type @ followed by their name before your comment, like this: @username Then leave a space.
Recent
Submit Thread