Chinese Women, Asian Women, Online Dating & Things Chinese and Asian
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Anonymous1692

Engagement problems? Maybe?

@Anonymous1692 Time : 2017-10-15 11:32:16

I'll try to break a very long story into something that is short and understandable in order to receive proper advice.  Chinese women and any natioanlity of men can chime in.  I'm willing to listen to all.



I'm hiding my identity for a very good reason.  I have left forum messages before and used my profile identity, but this time, because of the sensitivity of this issue, I won't reveal and expose myself.  This is why I wish to remain anonymous.



I live in America and I met a nice Chinese woman here on CLM.  Early 2016, we connected.  We corresponded through the website, WeChat, email, and Skype.  Things went so well, that we decided to meet.  By December of the same year, I was on my way to meet her for the very first time in the southern part of China.  On my last day, we became engaged.



A few weeks after getting back from China, early January of 2017, we started having our problems.  Problems that never surfaced all throughout the whole year of 2016.  Most of the squabbles have been very insignificant.  I tried my best to avoid any confrontation with her, because I'm not that type of person.  Any little thing would set her off.  It was like jekyll and hyde.  I saw a side of her I've never seen before.  I was willing to walk on eggshells to keep the peace between us.  This only lasted for a few weeks before she would start something else up that would push our relationship to the brink.  And oh, by the way, we had already filled out all of the paperwork for a finacee visa.  But here and there, our troubles continued.



By late spring, she took the engagment ring off.  I didn't care either way.  I was more concerned about our relationship.  Or maybe the lack thereof.  Neither one of us was willing to end our engagement, but we were waiting for the other to do so.  I was happy with her.  But she was unhappy with me.  I told her this on many occasions.  She is not perfect.  But I was willing to accept all of her.  Throughout the summer, things were so-so.  She even advised me to go back to CLM and find another girl because we could not agree on a few things.  And yet, we were still together without any confirmation to ending our relationship.  But one day, close to the end of summer, we had a long discussion, and she decided to end our engagement.  We parted with no animosity.  Still friends.  She was very happy with her decision.  And I was happy for her.  I just wanted her to be happy, with or without me.



Two days later, she contacted me through WeChat wanting to get back together again.  She apologized for all of the turmoil and asked me to forgive her, and if I wanted to accept her being  back with me.  Of course yes!  We made up.  And she became happy with her decision once again.  Talk about a pendulum swing!  Several days later, she let me know that she would be taking courses that would keep her in China for the next two years.  I reminded her about our finacee visa.  It should be approved before the end of the year.  She totally had forgotten about the visa.  She had made plans for this two months prior when we both thought we weren't going to be together.  So, instead of her coming to America in the next few months, she is putting me on hold for another two years.  She never took into consideration that we could still be together when she locked herself into this two year plan.  If she did, she was determined to make me wait. 



Ok.  That's fine.  What's two years?  The main thing is that lately she doesn't seem to be all that into us anymore.  We are getting along, but our corresponding is very scarce.  She never initiates a WeChat message like she used to, depending on how she's feeling.  When I send her a message, she gets back to me in her own sweet time.  We have never really acted like an engaged couple since I slipped the ring on her finger.  



This is just part of the story between us.  There are many other details that I don't have time to lay out.  My questions are, Am I wasting my time with her?  Is she into me or just abiding her time for the next two years?  Because of our history, I don't have too much confidence in what could happen with us.  Believe me, I'm open to whatever happens to us.  Because if it isn't her, I want to find someone who would be more suitable for me.  Maybe there is someome more suitable for her  Don't get me wrong, I have no ill feelings towards her.  I really want what is in both of our best interest.  I still believe she is a very good woman.  



I hesitated in writing this, because I wanted to go on my own volition.  I thought it over many different times.  I'm open to hearing what others say.



Thanks for reading this and for your advice!         



   



 


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Anonymous25950
@Anonymous25950 Time : 2017-10-15 12:36:45 #1

Make one final effort to get a proper communication established between the two of you. If the two of you cannot reach a position where you can see the world through the eyes of the other and make sense of the other's view of past and present problems then it is time for the relationship to end.

Anonymous25951
@Anonymous25951 Time : 2017-10-16 00:22:26 #2

well first off I understand your need for privacy as I would suspect she is still on CLM.

You say you have seen her in person only one time and proposed to her, she accepted and you became engaged to be married. If I may, are you the first western guy she has met in person?If not, how have her other relationships worked out? Alot can be learned about her from her past relationships and how they ended etc. How about you, is this woman the first Chinese woman you have met in person and become involved with?

My gut instinct is she is playing you and possibly others to see which one suits her better or she is getting alot of pressure from her family to end it with you. All the signs are there, the biggest issue is her supposed commitment to 2 years of courses and forgot she had a Visa app to follow through on is bullshit, she did not forget ,she was looking for a way to get out of it. You say it is just 2 years, well do you really want to wait 2 years of your life for a woman who is this much of a player, who might end it at the end of the 2 year span? 

In my experience with Chinese women I have found that if they committ to you it is serious and a hurricane could not pull them away from you and their committment to you and the relationship, they also have very fiery stubborn personalities as you know, so they can say or do things despite that it is destructive, they will take no blame nor reponsibilites of their actions and words, in Chinese womens minds it is the man who caused it, ALWAYS. 

Personally if I were in your shoes based on what you have written here I would see if she is really serious about you first off. If not I would end it with her for good, take a break(at least a year) to gather my thoughts and possibly try to find the "gal for you". She is out there, make no mistake, it is in the stars :) or as many would say it is "fate"

I am married to a Chinese woman myself. I can say with 100% confidence that a man's life will never be boring being married to a Chinese woman....

 

From: Hong Kong,China Hong Kong Tuen Mun @jellyfish Time : 2017-10-16 21:26:03 #3

 

Hi, I am newbie here. After reading your story. I would say: don't waste your time!!!! If the story you shared it 80%+ accurate, I feel she is not totally "in" this relationship. Please excues for my honesty!!!! She is quite self-centered. As a lady, I could tell you that there are so many plans in women's mind. All the changes and decisions basically are made by temporary situation or feeling. But in your case, it seems that she has already pushed you out of her world. 

Truth to be, if you sense something wrong, it is a good time to jump off the boat right now!!! 

Using the identiy as anonymous and ask about "if you are wasting your time in this relationship" Actually in the deep inside of your heart, you already knew the answer. 

You are looking for someone who will side with you and say to you: "your decision to walk away is correct." 

Well, here I am. I will be that person and tell you about this. 

All the best to you, my friend. 

 

Anonymous25953
@Anonymous25953 Time : 2017-10-18 03:09:16 #4

@Jellyfish...you are a very intuitively smart person...you tell it like it is which is refreshing...I agree with you that he already knows the answer to his questions and is looking for confirmation of his thoughts. He iis being played and he knows it already, just hard to come to grips with and let go.

Good luck in your search here.....

Anonymous25956
@Anonymous25956 Time : 2017-10-19 10:19:32 #5


@anonymous25950  Thank you for your comments.  I'm sure you are right.  I believe the relationship is over, because I need a woman to at least meet me half-way.   

Anonymous25957
@Anonymous25957 Time : 2017-10-19 10:31:04 #6


@anonymous25951  I appreciate your insight.  A lot of what you said stuck me with.  I need and desire a woman who will completely commit to us and our relationship.  I like the part you said about "a hurricane could not pull them away from you and their committment to you and the relationship."  This is very true!  And if I hang around for 2 years, she could pull the rug out from under me.  Thank you very much!

Anonymous25958
@Anonymous25958 Time : 2017-10-19 10:43:33 #7


@jellyfish  I needed to hear your words.  Especially from a woman's perspective.  You are so correct!  I needed to have someone side with me to confirm what was already in my heart.  You do not have to apologize for your honesty.  I love your straight talk.  Your words will continue to ring in my ears.  What you said will not go in vain.  Thank you so very much for your friendly advice!  All the best to you also, my friend!   

From: China 浙江(zhe jiang) 杭州(hang zhou ) @JohnAbbot Time : 2017-10-19 14:15:58 #8

@Anonymous1692 - you've received some excellent advice here and I am glad see you seem intent on following it. I felt obliged not to wade in on this initially because it is not very fair that we take one member's side over another.  But now that several members have given you good pointers on specific issues, I am going to speak in a more general manner.

Generally, what I am about to say would apply to you whether you were male or female. Regardless of a person's initial motives for starting a romantic relationship with another person, regardless of whether they are male or female, regardless of whether they are American, Chinese, Ukrainian, Martian or any other ethnicity, and regardless whether they are rich or poor, if they behave as if they have lost interest in you, then you can bet your last dollar that they have, indeed, lost interest in you. There is nothing to be gained by wishing otherwise.

All the signs point to her having completely lost interest in you. When a person "forgets" having applied for a visa to move halfway around the world to marry and live with someone, she has lost all interest in you.

The best possible thing you can do is immediately terminate the relationship and move on, allowing you to quickly recover and hope to meet someone who truly does care about you. Coincidentally, this is also the only way you have any hope that he/she might change his/her mind, because only by removing yourself from that person's life can he or she discover that he or she starts to miss you and regrets not having you in his or her life anymore.

Generally, the one good thing that can be said about what has transpired between you nad this lady, unless you simply haven't mentioned it, is that she appears to not been motivated by greed and simply interested in your money, or she would not have openly revealed her loss of interest in you romantically. At least you canwalk away not feeling like you were duped, and confident that she very likely did see much good in you and was initially genuinely attracted to you and interested in you.

I hope you move on now, because I am confident that there's a great Chinese lady just waiting for you to get back in the game and discover her. I urge you to take your time meeting and getting to know the ladies. There is no reason to rush the process, and as you have just experienced, every reason to take your time and don't get deeply involved until you are 100% confident, and so is she, that you are a couple who are made for each other.

I wish you the very best going forward.  

  

Anonymous25960
@Anonymous25960 Time : 2017-10-20 00:08:09 #9


@JohnAbbot   Thank you sir for your encouraging words.  All of the comments from you and from others on this forum is my confirmation.  I have never given up hope in finding a Chinese lady for myself.  I know that she is out there, or should I say, she is somewhere on this website.  I really enjoy this website in all that it provides.  You and your staff do a wonderful job that is second to none.  I really feel that I'm part of a community here.  Thanks again for all that you do! 

Anonymous25962
@Anonymous25962 Time : 2017-10-20 18:11:54 #10

From my perspective, I think that it's quite a different story when you're actually physically living together as opposed to visiting for a couple of weeks, month in either the US or China. Especially when you're older, set in your ways, independent, stubborn, selfish and basically sinful. I've been married for just two months now and we've had some great times and some big ole fights. Marriage is tough and both of you have to work at it.

From: Hong Kong,China Hong Kong Tuen Mun @jellyfish Time : 2017-10-20 23:38:24 #11


@JohnAbbot, 

I have to say thank you to you because I learn a lot from what you said. 

Take good care of yourself. 

From: China 浙江(zhe jiang) 杭州(hang zhou ) @JohnAbbot Time : 2017-10-21 14:31:41 #12

@jellyfish - thanks for your kind words, but I don't think you had much to learn from me. You gave excellent specific advice here, and I mostly just said the same think in a more general way. I hope to see more of your comments and input because I think you have a lot to offer to our male members in understanding the way Chinese ladies think and act.

@Anonymous25960 - You're welcome for my input. Let me say I think you did a very smart thing by coming to the forum and seeking member input. Likely you would have come to the same decision, but this way you get to make the decision more confident it was the right one, and therefore with less chance of doubting yourself going forward. This also shows the value of this forum. 

From: Hong Kong,China Hong Kong Tuen Mun @jellyfish Time : 2017-10-22 09:52:07 #13

Hi, Anonymous1692
Even though the discussion is going to be over, I still want to say a few words to you. 
Somedays when you find your Mrs. Right and you look back to your decision, you will be GLAD!!!! Because you have someone who is much better than that "mis-fit".

"The bad must go, so that you will get something good; sometimes, when the good leaves so that the best could come!" 

You deserve someone better!!! 

Have a good night of rest.

Anonymous25967
@Anonymous25967 Time : 2017-10-22 11:16:55 #14


@jellyfish   Hello jellyfish!  Thank you once again for your kind words!  You are very sweet, and I appreciate all that you have said.  You are very honest, and you have a very good sense of humor.  You deserve the very best also!  I hope you find what you are looking for.  When I find the right one for me, I will remember your encouraging words and advice, and for the others who have also chimed in.  Keeping being who you are!  I thank you!!

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