Chinese Women, Asian Women, Online Dating & Things Chinese and Asian
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From: Australia South Australia Adelaide @melcyan Time : 2018-06-04 21:03:08 #15

@autumn2066

At the beginning of the CLM website, the following statement can be found -


Outstanding Features and Functions of CLM

CLM offers a number of features that are unique, not only to Asian and Chinese dating but to online dating generally.
Scammer Prison – scammers are hunted down like real criminals on CLM and placed in Scammer Prison when caught, so they are highly visible to all members.

Scammer Notices – when a scammer is caught, everyone who has had any contact with him or her is sent an email alert to cease communications.

The Blogs – our blogs are by real members, some of whom are now married to CLM members, and they provide real advice to others about the process of online dating and how to succeed.

The Forum –our forum is an open line of communication between all members, allowing everyone to help each other understand the cultural differences and overcome them to find true love.

 

This is as close as CLM gets to a goal statement or a mission statement. My actions and words are consistent with my values and aspirations and I feel that they complement the CLM statement above. I enjoy acquiring new insights into Chinese culture from women like you. I have sometimes been given assistance with a particular goal, for instance, learning Chinese love songs by women like you. I sometimes use CLM as a place to record a unique experience or insight that I want to remember.

I value past and present CLM penpals. While most of my CLM help comes from women like you, I also see a strong need for men to help one another far more than they currently do in the Western world. I try to play my part on CLM by helping other men as responsibly and as honestly as I can.

I can fit within the feature and function statement for CLM without any difficulty. Religion, Science, Politics and Conspiracy Theories do not belong on a CLM that has relationship building and cultural understanding as its main focus. However, an occasional, relevant touch of humour is always very welcome within this feature and function framework. The very best humour makes truth clearer (e.g.Life of Brian, Tim Minchin, George Carlin).

The main focus of my comments on CLM is about cross-cultural relationship building. I praise actions that support relationship growth and I critique actions that I believe work against relationship growth. I support all CLM men, including Barry in their efforts to build a life-long relationship with a Chinese woman.

Barry has had two failed relationships with Chinese women so far. First with his ex-wife ( son the main reason) second on CLM with Lily (daughter the main reason). There are at least two CLM blogs on the importance of children to a Chinese woman – one by Panda and one by Enya. Panda’s son and Enya’s son will be part of them forever. This is reality. Family is of critical importance to a Chinese woman, even one without children like my partner. In my opinion, Barry has not paid sufficient attention to this aspect of Chinese culture and the implications it has for a relationship with a Chinese woman. I would love to see Barry acquire the necessary skills and knowledge for making his next relationship a successful one.

Barry values views and comments on his blogs far more than any other blogger. He attracts extra views and comments by going out of his way to invite controversy. He then baulks at the ensuing criticism. The CLM bloggers who put their emphasis on insight and honesty do not have this obsession. If someone else was doing what Barry does I would respond the same way. I certainly don’t have any problem with Barry the person (it is easy to see that he is a very likeable good-hearted person when you brush aside the contrived words) but I do have a problem with his written contribution to the features and functions of CLM.

In the name of humour Barry continually fails to address the requirements for strong relationship building between a Western man and a Chinese woman. He describes in epic detail how he throws shit out of a window but fails to give the same attention to detail for the stages of relationship development with Lily. Then when the relationship failed he put the blame on Lily for “kicking him to the kerbside”.

Despite the fact that it requires an enormous amount of work to create a strong relationship, the description of how a relationship is created and functions is far from being banal and boring. The most exciting aspect of a genuine growing relationship is deep honesty. Ironically, there is much more humour experienced in genuine loving cross-cultural relationships.

From: China @autumn2066 Time : 2018-06-05 14:40:33 #16


@Barry1


@melcyan

It is interesting watching the night of the Evander Holyfield - Mike Tyson heavyweight champion boxing match, but when blood flowing down alone their chin, I fell like it was me lost my ear. 8-|8-|(shake)(shake)

Joking and sarcasm is always fun, suggestions and reminders are always welcome, but keeping criticism other people is offensive, confrontational and destructive. After all, everyone is equal, we are not here to find someone to beat us, we are here to find friendship and love. 

Whatever for what good sake, keep pointing finger towards other people, forcing someone to change to be what we like, is rather presumptuous insolence

Why not step back, live and let live? Let mountain being mountain, let rivers being rivers. With more respect and introspection and tolerance, you two could make a cute couple.:P

 

From: Australia Queensland Brisbane @Barry1 Time : 2018-06-05 17:49:57 #17


@melcyan
 

Thank you for your comments, Melcyan.

 

As I keep saying, you're a highly intelligent man with a lot to share.

 

I cannot argue with the veracity of most of your words, so I won't attempt to do so here.

 

Let me in a friendly way advise however, that everyone here are individuals. We all possess our own style. Yours for example, (please forgive me if I'm wrong) is that of political correctness. Sobriety and abstinence. Pragmatism, yet on occasions, somewhat sanctimonious, holier-than-thou.

 

Overall, you're a good guy.  If everyone in the world was like you, it would undoubtedly be a better place. 

 

Congratulations on being a fine human being, Melcyan.  I say this sincerely, not in any way wishing it to be taken sarcastically. 

 

Well done, Sir!  (clap)(clap)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From: Australia Queensland Brisbane @Barry1 Time : 2018-06-05 17:59:33 #18


@autumn2066

 

"It is interesting watching the night of the Evander Holyfield - Mike Tyson heavyweight champion boxing match, but when blood was flowing down their chin, I felt like it was me who lost my ear."

 

Thanks for your entertaining comments, Autumn2066.  Once again, you've exhibited a great sense of humour.  (clap)

 

 

"keeping criticism other people is offensive, confrontational and destructive. After all, everyone is equal..."

 

Exactly correct.  I agree with you!  But it is Melcyan who on most occasions, critcises me!  I generally don't criticise him, except when it is truly deserved.

 

In any case, all is good.  Melcyan and I are now buddies (I hope).

 

Many blessings to you, Autumn2066.  :):)

From: Australia South Australia Adelaide @melcyan Time : 2018-06-05 19:03:01 #19

@autumn2066

 

I always enjoy reading your words. “We are here to find friendship and love” Very true. I agree. I am also committed to another very similar goal. That goal is to grow my understanding of Chinese culture and how Chinese women, in particular, think and feel. My partner recently apologised to me for using up so much of my time doing things that she needed to be done. I told her that she did not need to apologise because she was my favourite hobby. It is so easy to spend large amounts of time on your favourite hobby.

 

I also like your words “ Let mountain being mountain, let rivers being rivers” It reminded me of song that used to be a favourite of mine that had the following lyric.

 

“You wanted me to be a mountain
I'd rather be a river”

 

Very profound!

 

 We need to be true to ourselves and let others be true to themselves. However, when you join a group of people like CLM with a particular goal and purpose, then it is highly desirable that your actions within that group be compatible with that goal and purpose.

 

If you are not here to develop and grow a life-long loving relationship then you really should be somewhere else that better meets your needs.

From: China @autumn2066 Time : 2018-06-06 00:41:19 #20


@melcyan

Just read your last comment.Thanks for taking time writing such a clear explaination.

Impressive by your warm heart and your sincere attention and your conscientiousness for this website.

I understand that you have strong willingness of contributing to benefit for all the people in this website, especially for Barry. We can see that Barry has kept saying thanks to you, we can sure he knows clearly that you care for him, I guess what he has been asking for you is that less critical attitude towards him, not only focus on his weakness and bad side, but also see more good in him.I guess you two's "humor fight" was rooted in the grievance accumulated over the years, and it came to the heat when Barry posted his last "crying" article about his heart broken, since he seems have been treating you all as very important friends, so while he was venting his anger and fear in that blog, all of you guys seemed just showing disgust and contempt towards him, few sympathy and comfort, he might have been disappointed thinking that you guys have betrayed his friendship. 

I could sense your kind point of departure, I also have sensed Barry's grievances and anger.It is not my business at all, but as someone happened to passing by and read your "humor fight", I had smelled the smoke and fire, and the anger in both of you seemed will lost control. I don't want to see both of you fight like Evander Holyfield - Mike Tyson, it would be too harsh for you two and might also be a bit harmful for this website?? (giggle) 

You are such a supportive friend with great wisdom and strong responsibility, Barry should feel lucky having you as friend, and John should have invited you to become a partner for this website business.:)

Best wishes for you and Barry. 

From: Australia South Australia Adelaide @melcyan Time : 2018-06-06 16:23:06 #21

@Barry1

 

I read your last two comments as being 100% genuine. Thank you for the genuine compliments towards me that they contained. I have extracted two sections from those comments for a direct response.

 

Let me in a friendly way advise however, that everyone here are individuals. We all possess our own style.” I agree. My individual style results from a background that many would describe as bizarre. For nearly five years I was a voyeur on an Australian dating site. I did not participate. I watched, observed, took notes and sometimes made predictions. My approach went very close to being scientific. I read widely on the factors that lead to successful relationships. I predicted successes and failures. This bizarre hobby not only kept me sane while I raising 4 children by myself, it turned out to be excellent preparation for online dating success. “Yours for example, (please forgive me if I'm wrong) is that of political correctness. I have never heard the term politically correct used as a compliment. (However you may have an enlightened definition based on respect. If that is the case – a very big thank you!) From the way most people use it, it basically means dickhead, fuckwit, not part of the real world. I have attempted in the past to redefine “politically correct” as being committed to fairness, justice and respect for others but that definition never gained traction. I now accept the term has no meaning other than as an insult. “Sobriety” I know my partner would like me to be more sober. I have a huge cellar that regularly gets new additions “and abstinence” six years without sex was all the abstinence that I could handle. “Pragmatism” yes, the day to day actions that make relationships better greatly interest me “, yet on occasions, somewhat sanctimonious, holier-than-thou.” You perceive my general observations about what works or does not work in online dating and relationships as specific unique comments for you alone. That is a mistake that is echoed in your later comment “But it is Melcyan who on most occasions, critcises me!

 

I never thought I would ever say this but if you do not find my words useful then you really should take a leaf out of Paul Fox’s book. How does he respond to my “criticism”? I have directly criticised Paul Fox far more than I have ever directly criticised you. The effect? Water off a duck’s back.

 

Barry, I am shaking your extended hand. I hope that the unproductive comments between us have come to an end. You are welcome back to this thread any time to clarify specific words from me that you perceive to be unfairly critical. I wish you all the best for the future, especially relationshipwise.(handshake)

 

From: China 山东(shan dong) 济宁(ji ning ) @paulfox1 Time : 2018-07-18 19:40:51 #22

@Barry1

@Melcyan

 

I remember, many years ago, I did a favour for a very good friend. Jokingly, he said, 'If you were a woman, I'd f*ck you!'

Quick-as-a-flash I said, 'If you were a man, I'd let ya !"

 

Now, THAT was funny.......though my friend didn't think so, lol

From: Australia Queensland Brisbane @Barry1 Time : 2018-07-19 16:28:24 #23


@melcyan


@paulfox1

 

"you really should take a leaf out of Paul Fox’s book. How does he respond to my “criticism”? I have directly criticised Paul Fox far more than I have ever directly criticised you. The effect? Water off a duck’s back."



Yes Melcyan, Paul would make a great politician.  No matter what people say about him, he has the enviable ability to shrug it off and keep forging forward.

Well done, Paul!  (clap)
 

From: Australia Queensland Brisbane @Barry1 Time : 2018-07-19 16:38:44 #24


@autumn2066

"when Barry posted his last "crying" article about his heart broken, since he seems have been treating you all as very important friends, so while he was venting his anger and fear in that blog, all of you guys seemed just showing disgust and contempt towards him, few sympathy and comfort..."


So true words, @Autumn2066.  I had written about 10,000 words on that particular blog series, but after receiving much derision, criticism and lack of understanding, I abandoned them all.

 

The important thing though is your great insight, empathy and knowledge of human behaviour. You are a credit to yourself and no doubt well liked and respected by your friends and family.

 

Many blessings to you, @Austumn2066.   (f)(f)

From: China @autumn2066 Time : 2018-08-06 00:59:22 #25


@Barry1

Thanks, Barry.:)

You said :"So true words, @Autumn2066.  I had written about 10,000 words on that particular blog series, but after receiving much derision, criticism and lack of understanding, I abandoned them all."

I guess your friends here didn't mean to hurt you,to the contrary,they seemed support you in a different way ---------- Tried to stop you and draw you out off your shadow.:) Maybe they also a bit fear of being aroused and drew back to their own shadow by your dark shadow memory.Maybe they been there, so they don't want you to suffer more.:)

Just a guess. Friendship between men, you know better than me.:)

Wish you a nice week.

From: Australia Queensland Brisbane @Barry1 Time : 2018-08-06 15:09:59 #26


@autumn2066

 

"I guess your friends here didn't mean to hurt you,to the contrary,they seemed support you in a different way..."

 

Well, we'll have to agree to differ on this point, Autumn2066. I think to the contrary.

 

You presented some idealistic, nice thoughts though, thank you.  (y)

 

From: Australia South Australia Adelaide @melcyan Time : 2018-08-06 16:10:32 #27

@autumn2066

 

Your words are close to the mark.

 

The men complaining about Barry’s words were covering these areas of concern.

 

Initially, there was considerable concern for Barry but eighteen months after the breakup – move on, or see a therapist.

Take charge by taking responsibility for the relationship failure.

Stop blaming Lily.

10,000 + 10,000 (yet to come) words of a man wallowing in self-pity is far too much for any reader to take.

 

If Barry’s words were posted on CLM twelve months earlier, there would have been a lot more sympathy and tolerance towards Barry’s outpourings. (within say a 5000-word limit) 

From: China @autumn2066 Time : 2018-08-10 01:54:33 #28


@melcyan

You right, usually after 18 months most of people would be able to move on,it depends on many different situation so 18 months is a normal but not a must.

Different people might need longer or shorter time to cure their wound, @paulfox1 might need only one month,@Imi5922 might need 20 months, 
@melcyan might need 6 years,:P I might need 12 years.:D So, it seems a bit unfair that using @paulfox1's shineshine personality and his powerful self-healing ability as a  pattern or yardstick to accuse others people's being weaker.  

None of us is @Barry1, so we might not understand why he needs so long time to move on,if we are his friend, shouldn't we be more patient for him? 

When a child cry, many parents might try to stop the child in a tough way of roaring and blaming. It will make the child feeling that expressing his weakness will cause attack from the ones whom he trusts the most. If children remember the bad feeling of being ordered to stop crying, he might hide his true feeling since then, and dare not to express his anger again, but anger still there and will hurt him more.

To help a people out of heart-broken and self-denial,maybe more hug and more encourage words could work,maybe new relationship could work.Only when the person himself has realized that he has so many good sides so he is still loveable even if the whole world dumpped him, he could get his strength back and move on quickly.Once he starts to appreciate himself more and more, he will start to over self-pitying and move on easily. At that time, there will no anger in his heart any more.He will dare to express his true feeling without fearing of losting anyone.

Let time cure the wound, whatever how long it might take.

Being friends, let us keep silence or give him a hug whenever he needs. Because one day, we might need that too.:P

 

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