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Can I trust him

From: China 广东(guang dong) 广州(guang zhou ) @freebird78 Time : 2017-10-28 18:26:10

I have met one man and I don't know whether to say Yes or NO to him. First of all, he is not a scammer. But sometimes I have trust issues on him. I don't know whether it is my problem or he does not deserve my trust at all. 



I am a loyal person and have no complicated life at all. I prefer to stay at home, reading or watching TV in my spare time. He is single too. He likes meeting friends and travelling outside,namely home is just a sleep place for him. He wants us to get married and I prefer him to visit me in China first to see how things will come along between us. The funny thing is that he told me that he can't afford the plane ticket to visit me and he always invites me to visit him and stay with him in his country. 



He is a sweet talker. I have to say I only initate the wechat messages to him after he is sick. For the rest time, he initates the messages between us. But sometimes he does not send me any messages within 3 days. So there is no communication between us within 3 days.



He always mispelled my name. There are at least 5 versions from his spelling. I never corrected him, because his English is not good. Or maybe he has a lot of female friends. Who knows and shall I care?



He once sent another girl's pic to me, but he withdrew it immediately within 2 minutes. He thought I might not notice the pic. But in fact I had already seen it. I just pretended that I saw nothing. After this pic accident, he tried to cover himself by typing a long sentence to me and asking me what I am doing,blabla. Even thought I was clearly not in the mood to respond, he said that he would wait for my messages when I was not busy. He did not explain this pic issue and I did not ask for the explanation. Shall I tell him the truth that I have already seen that girl's pic?



 



I don't know whether I shall stop communicating with him. My parents think he is not my ideal match. I am richer than him. I can afford the plane ticket to anywhere. His education level is lower than mine. I have a good job in China and if I marry him, I will have to quit my good jobs. He always said that he wanted to quit his job because it was boring and wanted to find a job in China. I think he is just saying and never really looks for a job in China.



He thinks he is not good enough for me himself, but he wants to marry me, because he thinks he can have a long relationship with me.



If you really find some good person for wife or husband, will you try your best to find her and want to see her everyday? Any comments are welcome. Thanks!


Comments to Thread
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From: United States Maryland Gaithersburg @RWByrum Time : 2017-10-29 09:17:17 #1

@freebird78

Yes, I would definitely confront him about the picture incident.  I think you deserve an explanation for that before you decide whether or not to marry him.  I would also correct him on his misspelling of your name.  I believe that the fact that he so frequently misspells your name could be a sign that he might not respect you enough.  Unless, of course, there is a reason for it.  Like he has agraphia or dyslexia.  I would also consider discussing with him the reasons behind the gaps in your communications.

From: Oman Masqat Masquat @clmuser Time : 2017-10-29 11:01:28 #2

Trust your own instincts. Dump him; I think he is a fraud, and I dont think he is serious about you at all.

Anonymous25985
@Anonymous25985 Time : 2017-10-29 13:00:11 #3

I think you are wasting your time.

From: China 广东(guang dong) 广州(guang zhou ) @freebird78 Time : 2017-10-29 15:16:54 #4


@RWByrum  Thanks for your kind suggestion. The reason I kept quiet about the pic accident is that even if I confront him, he might find a fake excuse as an explanation. If a person is not honest, there is nothing I can do. We are grown-ups now. It is hard to change who we are.

From: China 浙江(zhe jiang) 宁波(ning bo ) @zqy2014 Time : 2017-10-29 15:18:24 #5


@freebird78

After reading your messages, I have the feeling that you actually have already had the answer you are looking for just you don't want or willing or yield to trust yourself or your intuition. Becaused if you do, that often means for you that you have failed and lost all costs have already invested into this relationship. I can feel you are currently haunted, confused and don't clearly know how to do in the next. As per my understanding, this actually reflect self-trusting issue. Why sometimes it is difficult for one to trust others is because she/he has doubt on himself/herself. So this experience is not too bad for you and you can draw your attention back to yourself or your self-trust. From this point,this man may be the one who has been assigned to remind or trigger your self-trust button.

In addition, you can try to ask yourself what did make you like or feel difficult to give up this man? Are you feeling good, happy and vaulable when talking with him? Is your purpose of finding the special one is just to get married with him or move to his country or be feeling happy despite of the forms? Some very important reasons why there are so many people get divorced is because they don't feel happy or valuable in their marriage. If like this, what does the marriage mean for you then? Just the way to get trid of inner emptiness or loneliness? The answers of these question may help you to figure out who you are in this relationship.

Above are just for your reference, hope they are somewhat helpful for you...

 

From: China 广东(guang dong) 广州(guang zhou ) @freebird78 Time : 2017-10-29 15:22:46 #6


@clmuser  Thanks for the comments. I definately will not marry a man who is not serious with me. The only reason I was not so sure of him was that he told me that he began to take another part-time job besides full-time work for us so that he could get enough money to visit me in China. I don't know whether I can give him a credit on his efforts.

From: China 山东(shan dong) 济南(ji nan ) @sunrise68 Time : 2017-10-29 18:52:29 #7

He says he wants to marry with you, but doesn't try his best to come to visit you;even he cant spell your name correctly. I think he is a game player, don't trust him. You are richer than he,and you have good job but he does not; why do you accept him as partner candicate? Is he handsome? or you enjoy his sweet words?

From: Hong Kong,China Hong Kong Tuen Mun @jellyfish Time : 2017-10-29 22:01:18 #8

Hi, 
@freebird78, 

Nice to meet you here. Dump him without regret. I spent a long time to learn a lesson: how much other value you based on how much you value yourself. They will not value you much if you don't see yourself as valuable. 

In your case, I don't think he deserves you truly. Obviously, he doesn't invest in you much, why do you want to waste your time on a guy who just want to keep you with miminal effort? You deserve someone better. 

If you already have a thought to dump him, it is a crystal sign that you should end up the relationship. 

He is not able to focus on one woman right now. There could be lot of indications. Do you think he will focus on you after he marries you? I have already seen so many examples like this finally end up with heart-broken stories and divorces. My friend, I don't want you to get hurt. 

You just like me deserve a wonderful husband who will only focus on you. 

It takes courage to end-up a relationship. You know why? Because there is always fear. All of us fear that we will not be able to find someone to marry. However, you have to face up this fear. I truly believe there must be someone great for all of us if we have great attributes. 

Right now, you just have to walk away from a relationship which will hurt you potentially. 

Up to this point, you are still the one who need to take action. 

All the best to you, my friend. 

Jellyfish 

Anonymous25991
@Anonymous25991 Time : 2017-10-29 23:05:43 #9

@freebird78 you have an interesting post here.

First off I think you are playing games with him as much as he is playing games with you. From your description and taking into fact natural bias (only about 70% of how you describe him would be accurate) I do not think you are serious about him. I can guarantee he is talking to other women aside from you, are you talking to other men aside from him?

Have you stopped to think that maybe he thinks "you" are a player and possibly doesn't trust you as you so obviously do not trust him. This is not a good situation for either of you to be in.

If you personally have this many doubts about the possibility of a real relationship with him before you have met him in person you have already answered your own question.

 

"Luck favors the bold"

 

Anonymous25992
@Anonymous25992 Time : 2017-10-30 00:03:42 #10


@freebird78     Hello freebird78!  You recently commented on my issue under the title: "Engagement problems? Maybe?"  I thank you for your take.  I want to return the favor by giving you my 2 cents worth.

If he is completely into you, he will do all that he can to connect with you.  If you are initiating all of the wechat messages and he is not, it tells me that his interest in you is fading.  I was under the same situation with my fiancee.  I wanted to wait and see how long it would take for her to initate a message.  It took her 2 whole weeks to initate a wechat message to me.  And when she finally did, she acted as though nothing was out of the ordinary.  She didn't even mention it.  No explanation.  So before you marry or even become engaged, ask yourself how dedicated is he to you?  He should want to go to China to at least meet you in person.  If he expects you to go to his country to visit him, and yet he seems not to be into you anymore, you should not waste your resources.  If he is into you, he will find a way.

Yes, I agree with the others.  Ask about the pictures of the girl.  Depending on what he says, it will give you a clear indication on the level of trust you should have in him, if any.  But by now, you may already have your answer without even asking him.

From: China 广东(guang dong) 广州(guang zhou ) @freebird78 Time : 2017-10-30 15:06:19 #11


@anonymous25991  That is why many online persons do not deserve the trust. When I write a true story, you think I am playing games. You should give ppl trust when you jump to a conclusion. As a professional woman, I don't think I have the time to play games here or there. I don't know him well,maybe my description about him is only 70% true but I know me well.If I don't like someone, I might stop communication or clearly tell someone that we can only be friends, no more. I don't know whether he trusted me, but he said that he trusted me all the time. It is just that I am not the bold type in your mouth, but I am the cautious type. So far I do doubt him, but I don't think he is a scammer. I just want to wait and see his real action, not sweet talks, as I don't buy sweet talks. For me, finding a good partner is lucky, but if he is a bad partner, I prefer to be single. Still thanks for your comments. Wish you lucky in your life!

Anonymous25995
@Anonymous25995 Time : 2017-10-30 15:31:18 #12

I had such an experience as yours a few years ago .for some reason I do not want to write it down in english . I would rather believe that he was just  a poor guy with a good heart. I hope the guy has found his own happiness .now let me tell you the story .

几年前在我刚来这个网站时也是一小白,为了不浪费自己的时间和减少受骗的几率,上来就加入了金会员,几个月后我在这里遇到了一位男士,我们用A来代替吧 。A的外型全完符合我的择偶标准 几个月交谈下来感觉也挺好的。然后我们就离开了这个网站,平时用其它聊天工具联系。时差和距离并没有成为我们之间的障碍, 我们每天和正常情侣的节奏一样,早上,上班时间 晚上都会联系 ,他也会经常给我打电话,如果出差每天至少一通电话,也会随时开视频,让我相信他是一个人,他真的在工作。一切看似很平静,很美好。接下来他计划来看我,中间发生了一些事情,那些事情也是真实存在的。总之我并没有等到那一天。当然这期间我也会怀疑,因为他从来不记得我的生日,他说给我寄了什么东西,可是我从来没有收到。问题是我给他寄的 他有收到~我不是拜金物质女,我在国内有份不错的工作和收入,只是当一个人总说给你听,可是没有行动的时候,我真的会质疑这个人,同时也会质疑我自己所谓的感觉。这期间还发生了一件事,就是他的年龄与实际不符,他说注册网站时出现了一个错误,导致这个原因,具体如何我不知道,不过我有一个朋友也在这个网站上,他的年龄原来是正确的,后来发现少了十岁。年龄问题暂时不计较了,因为差了一点。同一天年龄问题之后,他还交待他有一儿子。故事到了这里我有种被欺骗的感觉,我和你聊了快一年了,你这时才告诉我这些。中间细节不说了,故事的最后就是和你的情况一样,他想让我过去看他,或者借钱给他,他来看我,原因机票贵负担不起。我不能理解,我们赚的是人民币,可对我们来说买张机票去国外很容易,可是老外赚的是欧元 英镑,对他们来说不是应该比我们更容易的吗 ?我希望第一次见面,要么对方来过看我,或者约在第三国,而不是我飞过去看对方, 我考虑之后放弃了,如果一个人连机票钱都负担不起,而你又不愿意来中国和我一起生活,那我为什么要放弃国内的一切冲到国外为了所谓的'爱情"呢 ? 到了国外还是需要衣食住行,还是要工作的嘛,过去之后至少一年之内找不到工作吧这期间我如何生活呢 太多现实问题了,而身边的这个人无法给你任何保障,不能提供你任何温暖,这样的婚姻我无法想象如何走下去。爱情是重要,可是面包也很重要,我宁可抱着面包慢慢寻找爱情。除了这些,他平时表现的没有任何漏洞,我身边的朋友有的说,从头到尾他都是个骗子,有的说他只是个穷屌丝, 我宁可相信他是个屌丝,我不愿意用英文写下来这个故事,是想如果他还在这个网站上,不想给对方造成任何困扰,骗子也罢,屌丝也罢,至少曾经陪伴我的时间,我还是很快乐的 。所以我更愿意祝福他,希望他幸福、快乐 !

From: China 广东(guang dong) 广州(guang zhou ) @freebird78 Time : 2017-10-30 16:58:16 #13


@anonymous25992 Hi, thanks for your valuable comments. Yes, I remember you and your story. Someone has the bias and takes it for granted that a woman loves a man out of money reason. I disagree with such point and that is why I respond to your post. Hopefully you have a good solution with your fiancee. 

Back to my story, yes it is the same situation. He did not message me within 3 days and when he initiated the message after 3 days, he acted as nothing happened. Yes, I seldom initated the message to him,but I always responded to him in the first time except the girl's picture. 

Thank you for your suggestion,but I think the truth is self evident. He sent a girl's picture to me and withdrew it immediately and pretended that nothing happened. Yes, you are right. I do not need his explanation for an answer. I have already got the answer in my heart. The reason I posted this story here is that I want outsiders' fair opinions for a clear decision. Thanks a lot!

From: China 广东(guang dong) 广州(guang zhou ) @freebird78 Time : 2017-10-30 17:55:39 #14



@jellyfish Dear Jellyfish, thanks for your support. I can tell that you are a warm-hearted woman. And I sincerely wish you are happy all the time. Yes,to end up a relationship needs courage too. I might be smart in intelligence, but I am indeed a soft-hearted person. Any woman wants to find a loyal and honest man. If anyone lies, the truth will come out eventually, which will lead to the bad end of marriage. Finding the right one is hard, but it is better than finding the wrong person. 

Thanks again for your comments and wishes. 

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