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John Abbot is co-owner of Married to a lovely Chinese Lady and living in China, John knows and respects China, Chinese Women, Chinese People and Chinese Culture. His blog will include good stuff about Online Dating, Chinese Women, International Relationships and Things Chinese. Join John Abbot on Google+
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Whether a Chinese Woman or Western Woman, Is This True?    

By John Abbot
2632 Views | 10 Comments | 7/23/2015 2:13:20 PM

Is this fairytale true, or would dating a Chinese woman make a difference?

Originally, when I first saw this, my thought ran something like this - "If this is how you feel about relationships and women, then dude, you've been in the wrong relationships and been choosing the wrong kind of women! A good, Chinese woman will most certainly shift your perspective and you'll have a genuine happy ending." But then I thought, maybe that's just me, and maybe I've just been lucky.

So let's think about this a little more.  Why are we driven to have a partner when being single is so much less complex, so much easier? Why do we need someone in our life who introduces a lot of rules for us to live with that we would normally not consider important at all?

I don't think there is much doubt that, if not for the woman in our lives, we men would probably eliminate about 80% or so of the little things we do repeatedly that are done solely to keep her happy. In fairness, the same thing can be said of women. Wouldn't their lives be dramatically simpler too, if not for trying to please their man? 

So why don't we all choose to live happily ever after, ALONE?

Anybody got an answer?

Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
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#2015-07-23 20:42:21 by Barry1 @Barry1


There's another important point, John.

It's been proven that happily married men LIVE LONGER than single men.

Yet women live about the same length, whether married or not.

So clearly, marriage is a very significant issue for men in particular. It's in all men's interests to get married! (sweat)

#2015-07-25 06:46:41 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

@Barry1 - I understand there is evidence that married men live longer than single men, but I don't know that there is evidence that they are doing so happily.

One of the jokes that came about because of those studies was "Sure married men are living longer, but they are also the ones who are more willing to die."

But your point is well taken.

#2015-07-25 09:08:09 by anonymous13660 @anonymous13660

Personally I would rather be single, happy even if it means shorter life versus being 😄married, miserable and have to suffer longer. "But" if I found a good woman who was worth marrying that is a different story altogether! Unfortunately this is proving a most difficult endeavour.

#2015-07-25 12:37:25 by sandy339 @sandy339

OK,my thought ran something like this:it is so funny and true, and I would like to put the woman's happy life ever after in this way (just for fun):

The world's shortest fairy tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, partying, eating out, watching favorite TV channel, and didn't worry about cooking, timing, cleaning,getting dressed and dressing up,etc. And drank beer, eat peanuts and farted whenever she wanted.
It seems no one needs a marriage?(makeup)

#2015-07-25 14:08:27 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

@anonymous13660 - I love that you really summed up the whole issue of whether living longer married is better or worse than dying younger single, with the only answer. It depends on the quality of your wife, which defines the quality of life.

I really hate hearing that you are struggling so hard to find someone who is right for you and will improve your quality of life. I don't say this lightly, but sometimes the failure to connect is about spending too much time looking around and too little time looking within. Are you sure you have become everything that you can be to be a great match for her, so that she will recognize you as the one she wants to spend her life with?

I think @melcyan says this better than I can, and I welcome him to join in, but first you absolutely must love yourself. Only then will you find that the best of women will want to spend their lives being with you, pleasing you, and being pleased by you.

#2015-07-25 22:56:10 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

@sandy339 - trust you to cleverly put the shoe on the women's feet. Well done and very true!

I agree that marriage is not now and never was a necessity. It is a state of being that most people find preferable to living alone, but fewer and fewer feel this way people it seems. However, it is no more a necessity than is owning a car.

When I lived in Canada I believed that owning a car was a necessity. I felt I could not live without it. When I moved to Shenzhen, China, I immediately realized I was not prepared to drive there, and I haven't owned a car since. Not owning a car has given me a sense of freedom that I really enjoy, as it is so much easier to just go out my door, grab a taxi or bus, and get to where I am going. I prefer being in a state of carlessness.

However, in those times when I have been single, I have not felt that same sense of freedom. Stepping out my door and experiencing the company of a different woman some nights, and no women other nights, did not give me a sense of freedom, but rather one of loneliness. I am a one woman man, and I prefer being in a state of partnership with one good woman.

But I am not an easy husband because I still need times alone, times to my own thoughts. Sometimes I need a week or so alone. If I don't get some time to myself I slowly become surly and grumpy. Many women, and I think especially Chinese women, do not understand that, and I think it can be difficult for my wife to accept. I am pretty sure that often, to my wife, that burrito looks like very good company indeed. (rofl)

#2015-07-26 14:29:02 by melcyan @melcyan

@John Abbot
You have said it well enough. You need to love yourself first. It is the most important stepping stone towards being relationship ready. You teach others both men and women how to treat you. When you do not value or respect yourself as a person, you make it so much harder for others to respect or value you.

Your self-image as child is influenced strongly by your family but once you are an adult the way you see yourself becomes your responsibility. You can lock yourself into the restrictions of a childhood image or your you can grow into being a person that you fully love and respect. Once you do this you make it so much easier for others to do the same.

I find the comments about farting interesting and in my case inaccurate. My partner and I fart whenever we want. So being partnered does not necessarily deny you the luxury of farting whenever you want. My partner's mother also doesn't hold back. Maybe the Chinese are less inhibited about farting?

#2015-07-29 23:16:03 by YinTingYu @YinTingYu

@John Abbot
Hi John,
As per request, anyone interested in my comments to this article please see Gongji's Blog.
Additionally,... self love, self understanding, and self acceptance are criteria I consider vital for any relationship regardless of the venue.

#2015-08-29 15:33:14 by Ailleurs @Ailleurs

Loving yourself is easier said than done. I just turned 40 and I'm still not comfortable in my own skin. I think, it has much to do with how I was received by others as a child. I've always struggled with my weight, always the chunky one. I was bullied as a child by schoolmates, neighborhood kids, and even my siblings at times. Even my school teachers didn't help much. My older brother was smart, so I had to live up to or exceed the bar he set. My younger brother was the outgoing one, so I lived in his social shadow. I've always had to prove myself in every aspect of life, working twice as hard to get half as far, and that's far too much pressure for a child. That translated to teenage and young adult life as never being satisfied with myself, never thinking that I'm good enough, and a lifetime of social anxiety. I tried far to hard to be independent, to the point of chasing away friends and girlfriends for refusing help. I've also tried too hard to put others first at the expense of self-neglect. Most of my adult life has been riddled with long bouts of severe depression and loneliness. It took 2 years of Paxil to beat down the depression and take the edge off the anxiety. I'm still shy and somewhat socially awkward, but it's the best it's been that I can remember.

I know people say you must love yourself before you can love others, but I have to compromise. I'm ready to let love in, but I need to find a woman patient enough and persistent enough to put up with my social shortcomings. If someone can love me as I am, maybe I finally can too.

#2015-08-30 22:12:35 by melcyan @melcyan

“Loving yourself is easier said than done” I agree. Especially when your parents did not love themselves. At least that was the case for me. I entered adult life not loving myself. I was also anxious, shy and never satisfied with myself.

I am now 63 years of age and I do now love myself and I do now accept myself the way I am.

When did I change? It was not a single change. I changed a little at the age of 32 when my first child was born. I changed a little when I had marriage counseling at the age of 33. I changed a lot at the age of 42 when my wife died and I received extensive counseling. It was not until I was 57 years of age that I finally felt genuinely “comfortable in my own skin”.
At 57 years of age, I could honestly say that I loved myself. At 58 years of age I started a relationship like none that I had ever experienced before. Now, that loving relationship grows stronger and stronger with each passing year. I believe that being able to fully love, forgive and accept myself was the crucial stepping stone to my present high-level loving relationship with my partner.

The pain in my life has been large, but now, the joy in my life is way beyond what I could ever have imagined to be possible.

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