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Barry from Australia is a questioning soul who looks at social issues from an alternative point of view and instead of asking, “Why?”, he asks “Why not?” He’s convinced that many of his previous incarnations were spent in China. He feels drawn to the people there; attracted by their rich culture and way of life. If given one wish from God, he’d reply, “I want everyone on Earth to be the same colour, speak the same language, and treat each other as they themselves would like to be treated.”
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We're born alone. We die alone.    

By Barry Pittman
28691 Views | 254 Comments | 5/19/2016 4:02:07 PM
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#2016-06-14 13:42:55 by Barry1 @Barry1

@anonymous15051

Barry a thought crossed my mind about Tina's calloused ending to your relationship. If memory serves, when you originally went to China to meet her she was adamant in paying for most things and refused to let you pay, you had to give Tina the money under the guise of helping Wendy's schooling costs. Such a complete reversal when it came to her expecting you to help in paying for "her" daughters schooling in Australia.

THANKS FOR YOUR COMMENTS.

WHAT A GREAT MEMORY YOU HAVE.

TINA INITIALLY WAS EXTREMELY KIND HEARTED AND GENEROUS, REFUSING TO TAKE MY MONEY.

BUT WHEN PUSH CAME TO SHOVE, I FAILED THE TEST.

THAT IS, WHEN WENDY NEEDED A BIT OF EXTRA MONEY OR FINANCIAL ASSIsTANCE FROM ME, I DECLINED TO DO THIS. I SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN SO SELFISH.

TINA HAD SOLD AN APARTMENT IN CHENGDU TO PAY FOR WENDY'S SCHOOLING. SO SHE HAD MADE A HUGE SACRIFICE.

I ONLY NEEDED TO MAKE A SMALL SACRIFICE BY COMPARISON BUY I DIDN'T DO THIS.

THE REST OF THE STORY THEN AUTOMATICALLY UNFOLDED WITH NARY A THING I COULD DO ABOUT IT.

Unless there are/were more issues that were more deep than this one (maybe you weren't privy too) then she has to understand that Wendy is not your daughter and you have no obligation to give one cent or RMB towards Wendy's schooling nor should she expect it. I think she is doing what most women do when they don't get their way...they play the victim card..sad but it happens far too often.

UPON REFLECTION, IT WASN'T TINA THAT FAILED, BUT ME.

I SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN SUCH A TIGHT FISTED BASTARD.

Based on a few female anonymous replies to this blog, I think one of them might be Tina herself, she left you over money...

TINA HAS NEVER WRITTEN A COMMENT ON THIS WEBSITE AND I DON'T BELIEVE SHE EVER WILL

this is something most western fear the most being used for money and a ticket out of China although I don't believe Tina was looking for a ticket out as she stated to you she prefers to stay in China but it sure seems the money thing was something on her radar.

I THINK NOW THAT TINA WAS USING DAUGHTER WENDY AS A TEST FOR ME.

I FLUNKED....... BADLY.

Interesting how the Chinese female anonymous replies are based mostly on Chinese culture alone not taking into fact you are not Chinese. They want Western men but make no effort to adapt to western culture.

I DO APPRECIATE THE REPLIES FROM THE CHINESE LADIES. THEY GIVE US ALL A FRESH PERSPECTIVE - A DIFFERENT TAKE - ON THE SITUATION.

You are so much better off with out her and I feel sorry for her next man...

THANKS SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUPPORT BUT IN ALL HONESTY, I FEEL IT WAS ME WHO PREDOMINANTLY FAILED IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.

I SEE NOW THAT I SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN SUCH A TIGHT-FISTED, MONEY HUNGRY SCROOGE.

WHOEVER SAID THAT LOVE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN MONEY OR HOLDS MORE SWAY THAN MONEY, DOESN'T FULLY KNOW HOW THIS GOD-FORSAKEN, MATERIALISTIC WORLD WORKS.

I BLESS TINA AND APOLOGISE FOR MY SHORT SIGHTED ERRORS.

CHEERS MATE. (handshake)

#2016-06-15 11:53:35 by Anniehow @Anniehow

I don't think it is the obligation to pay for a step child's university tuition fee in the Chinese culture. Unless you two have talked about it and made some arrangements or you made some promise ahead of the time. However, when someone in the family goes to university, even relatives will give gift money to the child to express congratulations and support. The amount varies according to different regions and financial/family situations. As a would-be step father, that part should a given, just like red envelope at Chinese NewYear or a wedding.

I doubt it is the ultimate reason for your break up...If there is anything I have learned from dating, it is to examine all past relationships and find something (kind of like a pattern) so as not to make the same mistake. I think that is a constructive way to look at a break-up.

#2016-06-15 17:22:38 by Barry1 @Barry1

@Anniehow

I don't think it is the obligation to pay for a step child's university tuition fee in the Chinese culture. Unless you two have talked about it and made some arrangements or you made some promise ahead of the time.

YES ANNIE, THIS SEEMS REASONABLE.

However, when someone in the family goes to university, even relatives will give gift money to the child to express congratulations and support. The amount varies according to different regions and financial/family situations. As a would-be step father, that part should a given, just like red envelope at Chinese NewYear or a wedding.

BUT HOW MUCH ARE WE TALKING ABOUT FOR SOMEONE IN MY POSITION, ANNIE?

1000RMB OR 10,000RMB - OR MORE?

THE SITUATION WAS CLOUDED BY THE FACT THAT I WAS WORKING IN A MODESTLY PAID JOB AND MY DAY TO DAY LIVING EXPENSES WERE CONSUMING MOST OF MY SALARY.

I WAS BASICALLY LIVING AND WORKING IN CHINA FOR NOTHING.

IF I HAD GIVEN DAUGHTER WENDY ANY SIGNIFICANT MONEY, MY BANK ACCOUNT WOULD HAVE BEEN LITERALLY ZERO.

I CAME TO CHINA WITH THE EXPRESS PURPOSE OF NOT TOUCHING ANY OF MY AUSTRALIAN SAVINGS. SO DRAWING UPON MY ASSETS OVERSEAS WAS NOT AN OPTION I BELIEVED WAS FAIR NOR REASONABLE, GIVEN THE ENORMOUS SACRIFICES I HAD ALREADY MADE IN COMING HERE, BOTH FINANCIAL AS WELL AS PERSONAL.

I FIGURED THAT WHAT I EARNED IN CHINA, I WOULD SPEND IN CHINA. AND NOTHING MORE.

I doubt it is the ultimate reason for your break up...

ABSOLUTELY CORRECT

If there is anything I have learned from dating, it is to examine all past relationships and find something (kind of like a pattern) so as not to make the same mistake. I think that is a constructive way to look at a break-up.

WELL SPOKEN, ANNIE. THIS IS HOW I'M NOW ATTEMPTING TO VIEW THIS WHOLE STAGE OF MY LIFE.

I ONLY HAVE ANOTHER 10 OR SO DAYS LEFT IN CHINA.... I RETURN TO AUSTRALIA ON 26 JUNE.

WHAT AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER IT HAS PROVEN TO BE FOR ME. ONE HOWEVER THAT I NEEDED TO EXPERIENCE AND WOULD DO IT ALL AGAIN. I REGRET NONE OF IT, WHEN LOOKED AT IN A BROADER WAY.

THANKS ANNIE! (clap)(clap)

#2016-06-15 17:33:25 by Barry1 @Barry1

@fj1383

"The Biggest Bastard and Most Selfish person is the father of Tina's daughter."

How right this is.

Daughter Wendy from an early age never had a real father. He preferred to live a bohemian lifestyle going out every night playing cards and gambling.

He slowly became worse of a father as he lost all of his money and has contributed nothing to his daughter for many years now.

Whenever he sees Wendy, he talks about commiting suicide and ends up asking Wendy if she has any money she can give to him! What an abysmal way for a parent to speak to his child. A sadly terrible deadbeat dad.

So for the majority of Wendy's 18 years, Tina has carried the burden for her upbringing. She's performed a mighty good job and even now is paying for Wendy to study overseas, a luxury most Chinese children never have the option of experiencing.

I take my hat off and salute Tina for being an extremely good parent. (clap)(clap)

#2016-06-15 21:21:34 by Anniehow @Anniehow

Paul,

I can not refrain myself from commenting on this...

You commented something " cultural " about Chinese women which I find hard to be attributed to cultural traits.

The reason that you came across women who sent you naked pictures or dirty videos or who desperately wanted to jump you is that you allowed them to do so in the first place. It is highly unlikely that you did not entertain the thoughts or actions themselves. That means you and these women share similar values or desires with mutual appreciation and consent. However, it does not mean it is a Chinese cultural trait. You would have a similar story plot whether in Thailand with Thai girls or in Australia with Aussie women.

As for us who have never had such "hot" sexual "encounters", we only have ourselves to blame. It is unfair to attribute it to "uptightness" of my countrymen or their Western counterparts. ;)

#2016-06-15 23:19:16 by lily2362 @lily2362

有人问泰戈尔三个问题:第一,世界上什么最容易?第二,世界上什么最难?第三,世界上什么最伟大?泰戈尔回答:指责别人最容易,认识自己最难,爱最伟大。
a man asked Tagore three questions: first,what's the easiest thing in the world?second,what's the hardest thing in the world?third,what's the great thing in the world?Tagore answered:it's easy to censure others,it's hard to know yourself,and love is great.

#2016-06-16 07:25:46 by paulfox1 @paulfox1

@Anniehow

Hi Annie. I didn't quite mean it in the way you described. I wasn't trying to say that their behaviour was cultural, I was highlighting the fact that women are women and often enjoy sex just as much as men.

Sure, I won't even try to say that I discouraged the behaviour of those dear ladies who had a deep desire for some physical love, but I will highlight once again that sharing a bed does not constitute a lifetime commitment.

And as for the difference between sex and making love, well once again that is down to a person's perspective. For me at least, I would find it extremely difficult to make love down a dark alley on a rainy night - that would just be raw sex - but it's possible to enjoy sex as well as love-making in a comfortable bed.

The strangest experience I ever had was with a Chinese woman who refused to kiss until such time as she felt 'true-love'. To her, kissing was a sign of deep and meaningful feelings and should be saved for the right moment. Yet she was happy to stick Mr Soldier into every orifice imaginable. I became convinced that she'd even put it up her nose if she was able to.
This was completely the opposite from what many of us consider 'normal' behaviour. I always considered kissing to be a sign of affection, but for her, affection came in the form of bedroom olympics and kissing came on the wedding day.

#2016-06-16 12:35:18 by Barry1 @Barry1

Let me say that the discussion about Tina's daughter Wendy going to university in Australia has taken a path I had not intended.

To make things clear, let me reiterate that Tina had sold an apartment in Chengdu to fund Wendy's university expenses. Tina had NOT asked me for any money to directly contribute to this.

However, I felt that in my stepfather role, as @Anniehow and others here have said, it would have been nice of me to have volunteered to pay for some expenses, without Tina needing to directly ask me.

I failed to do this and thus lost goodwill in Tina's eyes. Other events involving money occurred also that need not be related here. The end result was that Tina ended up thinking I was a rather selfish tightwad. It was at this stage that she recounted later, that she lost love for me.

In my defence however, let me repeat the words I wrote to Annie:

"THE SITUATION WAS CLOUDED BY THE FACT THAT I WAS WORKING IN A MODESTLY PAID JOB AND MY DAY TO DAY LIVING EXPENSES WERE CONSUMING MOST OF MY SALARY.

I WAS BASICALLY LIVING AND WORKING IN CHINA FOR NOTHING."


In a nutshell, at one stage of my stay in China, my bank account balance fell to a very low level, despite having been working here for several months. This was due to costs associated with buying furniture, etc to set myself up, in combination with receiving a low salary .

Had I been receiving a higher salary, I'm sure far fewer relationship problems would have occurred. No break up would have occurred.

The bottom line? Two things as follows.

1. I moved to China to be close to Tina but because of this, I had no option but to work in a low paying job that was near to her.

2. But because the job was so poorly paid, conflict ended up arising due to finances.

This thus was a lose-lose scenario that ended up shattering the relationship. Simple as that. :^)

#2016-06-16 12:54:02 by Barry1 @Barry1

@paulfox1

OK, you want it, you got it. Over-reaction or not, I do not take back what I said.

Thanks to John for trying to put a sensible slant on it and apologies to anony-mouse if I offended.

YOU'RE UNUSUALLY APOLOGETIC TODAY, PAUL. WELL DONE.

During the trials and tribulations within Barry and Tina's relationship, I was always there for Barry when he needed to chat. We would chat regularly on wechat, sometimes for hours, as we discussed what he was feeling towards Tina at the time.

YES MATE, YOU WERE AND STILL ARE, MY BEST FRIEND IN CHINA

Tina dumped Barry at least 3 times before this final time, and each time she dumped him, I strongly suggested that he didn't go back to her. He ignored my advice each time because he obviously loved her..

YES, THIS IS TRUE.

TINA TOLD ME THAT WE HAD NO FUTURE TOGETHER SEVERAL TIMES, BEFORE THE ULTIMATE MAJOR BREAK UP.

EACH TIME SHE DID THIS, I WAS BOTH SURPRISED AND HURT.

I DO REMEMBER RECEIVING YOUR WISE COUNSEL ABOUT THESE DRAMAS WHEN THEY OCCURRED.

Barry would ask me point blank if I thought he had done anything wrong. I was always honest with him and 99% of the time I agreed that he was not the party to blame..

TINA ENDED UP THINKING I WAS A SELFISH TIGHTWAD AS FAR AS MONEY WAS CONCERNED.

BUT AS EXPLAINED ELSEWHERE, THERE WAS ONE STAGE HERE WHERE AFTER WORKING FOR SEVERAL MONTHS, MY BANK ACCOUNT WAS NEAR ZERO.

I DIDN'T HAVE THE LUXURY OF SPENDING MONEY ON THINGS THAT OTHERWISE I WOULD HAVE LIKED TO.

THIS MADE TINA BELIEVE I WAS REALLY MEAN. YET IF I'D BEEN RECEIVING A DECENT SALARY, I WOULD HAVE BEEN THEN THOUGHT OF IN A MUCH BETTER LIGHT.

Of course, there is more than one side to every story, but as the months went on and these long chats became more frequent, I began to get a truer feeling about what was going on much deeper inside their relationship than you guys reading his blogs got.

THIS IS TRUE, CHEERS PAUL.

Perhaps that has partly to do with what caused my reaction to anony-mouse. Almost a feeling of empathy towards Barry, rather than sympathy, if that makes sense?

YES,THIS MAKE SENSE.

Sticking up for a mate is one thing, but sticking up for a friend in a situation like this, (when you know ALL the facts), is a little different - perhaps.

SURE.

So there you have it. Sorry Barry, but I just had to come clean on this. I'm not going to be berated for sticking up for you on points that other people don't know about, nor understand.

YOU'VE PROVIDED MUCH GOOD ADVICE THAT ENDED UP BECOMING EERILY TRUE, PAUL.

Now perhaps you will all stop over-analysing what went wrong between Barry and Tina and allow them both to move on.

YES, IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON, I AGREE

Relationships fail every day. This one was no different to millions of others.

SO SAD BUT ABSOLUTELY CORRECT, MATE. (doh)

#2016-06-16 21:42:26 by WarmLifeGz7 @WarmLifeGz7

@Barry1 And lo and behold ! no need to use uppercase (giggle)
------- Had I been receiving a higher salary, I'm sure far fewer relationship problems would have occurred. No break up would have occurred.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
As I am trying to pen my musings concerning Chinese cultural habits in the Forum ... There happens to be (in my thinking at least ) an underlying social cultural phenomena that is below the level of -- affluent lifestyle with a new partner --- As one who has lived over here for too long -- I am intrigued as the reasons for acquiring so many things in the beginning -- even in supposedly a qlv (as quaint implies having an old-fashioned attractiveness or charm;)
/// by the way I intend no criticism or digging into anyone's privacy which some people seem to have a knack for -- e.g. tooo many have done this to me --- which is in my thinking might be a sub-cultural habit because most of my Chinese friends did not do this (friends being the keyword ) whereas a lot of others did ) ///
usually Schools provide housing (including what I might consider to be a concrete garbage can although it is actually not that bad but I couldn't find another description that might invoke an emotional reaction ) even in Xinjiang (shihezi which is small enough ) I was provided with housing . It is quite often that foreigners coming to China do usually spend a considerable amount of money while the school takes it "time " to deposit any money in the beginning . I guess this is where my previous experience allowed me to navigate this treacherous reef with ease when I first moved to Gz. I lived in a 7th floor small apartment that has daily visits from mice at first until larger rats decided to kick their butts out ... (7th floor was the top floor) I had a very friendly and good relationship with the landlord ( yet another good reason to be as friendly and congenial as possible with Chinese ) In a short time I was able to locate a very nice 2nd floor apartment overlooking the jiaomen river with a big balcony and unique or very rare western style living room with an open kitchen . (usually many apartments have a narrow rectangular kitchen -- why? uh beam me up Scotty (giggle) Possibly, as many foreigners have little idea what expenses they might incur there is often the big drain on any bank account ... I do not think that having generous amounts of wadded big bills on hand will generate a storybook ending ... where they rode off into the radiant blazing sunset ... etc. etc. At best it delays any potential potholes being hit or stepping on mines scattered about ... To use the proverbial saying ... beauty is skin deep ... it also applies to apparent wealthy situations -- (wealthy being anything definitely above whatever financial status people might find themselves ) Whereas Chinese women have an seemingly persistent obsession with acquiring "housing" Tina did a typical normal practical thing by selling it to provide enough financial assistance for her daughter ... Even though your bank account reached a dangerous empty hand ... I will hazard a guess that although this situation felt really uncomfortable -- You would still have survived because Tina would certainly not allow you to go starving ... One aspect I am somewhat surprised with is that You never seem to have done any private teaching ... which unless the School contract forbid it ( and many foreigners I know really do not care either -- especially in Taiwan-the Island many schools treated the foreigners with a attitude that the contract was worth the same as toilet paper yet would also attempt to take foreigners to court as well ) could have brought in more additional wads of bills to stuff into your bank account. A comparison -- My coworker stuff his townhouse like a christmas or thanksgiving turkey with tons of acquired "junk" (things were bought and then became junk ) Whereas give a Chinese woman an "apartment" and she will have a strong emotional security based upon this concrete living space without filling it full of acquired "junk" . Many relationships I have seen have not been crushed or demolished due to the so called lack of money ... ( it is truly amazing to me that although almost all of the Taiwanese wives I knew; which was plenty ; always told me that they were "broke" "destitute" "below poverty level" "near starving " etc ... ) These wives were quite a long distance from these scenarios ... The big challenges came to the forefront when either side was attempting to "keep up with the Joneses" attempting to climb up the so called social status ladder by purchasing a better car etc. etc . etc. As the relationship continued on for quite some time (the so called honeymoon time has elapsed -- this does not mean romantic or blossoming flower experience either but the early stage of living together ) then the underlying social cultural habits are able to pop up once again ... Foreigners coming to say .. Taipei city would not notice some big challenges in the beginning because of the modern city style living ... but later on ... maybe six months later then the proverbial "brown stuff" hits the fan.
As for Tina's bucking the horse 3 times ... I have seen and heard many Chinese tell their lover, bf, mate, partner that they wanted to buck them off the horse ... many times .. so without being there and understanding the sitz im leben ... it could simply belong to the typical emotional psychological framework of Chinese gals ...
Unfortunately , there are probably Chinese women in hot pursuit of any guy that fits their immediate checklist of "housing" "car" suitably high enough income ... immigration to a Western Country ... dream of having a much higher social "face" with their friends and relatives who remain back in China ... then IF the guy does get through the US Embassy for example and the costly fees ... who knows how long this type of relationship will continue for ? Maybe, as in the past these women will opt for divorce and seek yet another bigger fish in the pond ... following the dysfunctional social pattern of Americans that also get married and divorce too many times ...
On the other side there is most likely plenty of CLM gals who are more interested to remain inside China where they do not need to adapt to changes (maybe even radical changes in their new lifestyle ) . Bottom Line? I for one do not think that financial resources were the majority of the nails being pounded into the proverbial coffin.
without knowing what Paul knows ... this might be classified as a No Fault breakup .. either side deciding to move on ... All the Best to both of you ...

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