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Barry from Australia is a questioning soul who looks at social issues from an alternative point of view and instead of asking, “Why?”, he asks “Why not?” He’s convinced that many of his previous incarnations were spent in China. He feels drawn to the people there; attracted by their rich culture and way of life. If given one wish from God, he’d reply, “I want everyone on Earth to be the same colour, speak the same language, and treat each other as they themselves would like to be treated.”
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We're born alone. We die alone.    

By Barry Pittman
28689 Views | 254 Comments | 5/19/2016 4:02:07 PM
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#2016-06-07 15:18:44 by melcyan @melcyan

Barry, I understand your position. I certainly don't think you are the bad guy here. I understand Tina's position. I certainly don't think she is the bad guy here. Anyone who wants to assign the "bad guy" tag to either of you, simply does not understand the nature of the positions you both hold and why these positions are both valid and incompatible.

#2016-06-07 22:31:40 by anonymous15021 @anonymous15021

Barry: can you clear up 1 question for me, did Tina want you to pay all of Wendy's expenses or a part of the expenses?

I know we are not privy to everything that went on but I must say if she was unwilling to compromise on your work situation, wanting to earn more money but having to move to another city whilst having frequent webcam and many weekend visits, the fact that you were quite willing to wait the 3 years for Tina to retire, you had changed countries, careers for her all as I can say is she reacted like many chinese women do...selfishly!!

I can also say she as your fiance at the time reacted like most Chinese women do and would do, she "EXPECTED" you to pay or contribute to Wendy's expenses because in her mind you were already her husband and Wendy's stepdad.

You sacrificed much for her, she had to deal with loss of face by living with a man(foreigner) while unmarried, so Tina did sacrifice a lot for you also. We just don't see it the way she does as we are not bound by Chinese cultural beliefs and viewpoints.

I think Tina will always regret her decision to end your relationship so coldly and selfishly but I also feel you deserve BETTER than her, you are better off without her as you can never feel safe with her. You deserve a woman who appreciates you for being you, who will make you feel safe in the relationship and who does love you.

If you and Tina do get back together can you ever feel secure in her enough that she wont do this again? What would happen the next time you don't measure up in her eyes would she end it again? Like walking on eggshells...

If she cannot appreciate, respect and love everything you have done in this relationship for her and for you two as a couple then she is not worthy of you!!

Hoist a cold one and do not look back.....(beer)

#2016-06-09 01:52:17 by fj1383 @fj1383

@ALL OF YOU. Why not assume Tina planned all of this long before Barry moved to China??!!8)8) Perhaps long before she even met Barry online she was looking for an Australian savior. From my experience, some single Chinese mothers can be extremely cold blooded and very calculating when it comes to love. They'll always put their kids' wishes/whims first no matter if they're reasonable or attainable at all.
As far as I can see, Barry proved his true love to Tina many times with real actions but Tina didn't do much at all rather than try to push her own selfish agenda onto Barry!. So come on people! Nobody should aim so high if they don't have the means. It's extremely ridiculous and totally selfish to expect your future husband/wife solve all your troubles. Remember ladies, you're looking for true love, not a lottery ticket! Cheers!

#2016-06-09 12:24:07 by Barry1 @Barry1

@melcyan

Barry, I understand your position. I certainly don't think you are the bad guy here. I understand Tina's position. I certainly don't think she is the bad guy here.

CHEERS MELCYAN.

IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS, IN FACT THERE ARE ONLY LOSERS.

THOUGTH THIS IS JUST LIFE UNFORTUNATELY.

Anyone who wants to assign the "bad guy" tag to either of you, simply does not understand the nature of the positions you both hold and why these positions are both valid and incompatible.

WHY DID IT TAKE OVER TWO YEARS TO REALISE THIS THOUGH, I WONDER?

AND SURELY AN ISSUE OVER FINANCE OR MONEY SHOULDN'T BE ENOUGH TO SPLIT UP AN OTHERWISE VERY GOOD RELATIONSHIP THAT WAS GREAT IN SO MANY OTHER WAYS?

THE DISAGREEMENT OVER THE DAUGHTER WENDY WAS ONLY ONE NAIL IN THE COFFIN.

BUT WHAT WERE THE OTHER NAILS AND HOW MANY OF THEM WERE THERE?

LILY SHOULD HAVE DISCUSSED THINGS MUCH MORE FULLY WITH ME, BEFORE IT REACHED THE STAGE OF HER SUMMARILY DUMPING ME, IN MY VIEW.

#2016-06-09 12:42:40 by Barry1 @Barry1

@anonymous15021

Barry: can you clear up 1 question for me, did Tina want you to pay all of Wendy's expenses or a part of the expenses?

IN FACT, TINA HAD SOLD AN APARTMENT IN CHENGDU TO PAY FOR HER DAUGHTER'S EDUCATION EXPENSES.

SO THE AMOUNT I WAS EXPECTED TO CONTRIBUTE WAS ONLY SMALL.

THIS ISSUE OVER PAYING FOR HER DAUGHTER'S EDUCATION WAS NOT THE MAJOR REASON FOR THE BREAKUP. I FEEL THERE WAS MUCH MORE TO IT THAN THIS.

AS PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED HOWEVER, NO SERIOUS DISCUSSION WAS EVER INITIATED BY TINA, BEFORE I WAS DUMPED. THIS IS A MAJOR ERROR ON HER PART, I BELIEVE.

I know we are not privy to everything that went on but I must say if she was unwilling to compromise on your work situation, wanting to earn more money but having to move to another city whilst having frequent webcam and many weekend visits, the fact that you were quite willing to wait the 3 years for Tina to retire, you had changed countries, careers for her all as I can say is she reacted like many chinese women do...selfishly!!

I'M AFRAID THAT I AGREE WITH YOU.

TINA ACKNOWLEDGED IN THE END THAT GIVEN EVERYTHING I HAD DONE, SHE KNEW THAT MY LOVE FOR HER WAS GENUINE, YET SHE DUMPED ME ANYWAY!

I can also say she as your fiance at the time reacted like most Chinese women do and would do, she "EXPECTED" you to pay or contribute to Wendy's expenses because in her mind you were already her husband and Wendy's stepdad.

TINA HAD LARGELY ALREADY FINANCED HER DAUGHTER'S EDUCATION EXPENSES. IT'S MY FAULT FOR NOT SPELLING THIS OUT MORE CLEARLY.

SHE DID HOWEVER EXPECT ME TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE FAMILY AS A WHOLE. I DECLINED HOWEVER TO PAY FOR ANY MAJOR EXPENSES FOR HER DAUGHTER. I WAS HAPPY TO PAY FOR DAY TO DAY LIVING COSTS, BUT NOTHING OF SIGNIFICANCE, AS I CONSIDERED THIS WAS HER FATHER'S ROLE.

I DON'T HAVE CHILDREN. BUT THIS IS THE THIRD TIME THAT THIS HAS HAPPENED TO ME, WHERE OTHER PEOPLE'S CHILDREN IN A RELATIONSHIP HAVE PLAYED A ROLE IN ITS ULTIMATE DESTRUCTION.

You sacrificed much for her, she had to deal with loss of face by living with a man (foreigner) while unmarried, so Tina did sacrifice a lot for you also. We just don't see it the way she does as we are not bound by Chinese cultural beliefs and viewpoints.

TINA WASN'T WORRIED MUCH ABOUT SAVING FACE.

I RESPECTED THIS NOTION OF HERS. SHE WAS QUITE INDEPENDENT AND FREE THINKING.

BUT AS IT TURNED OUT, ARGUABLY HER THINKING WAS TOO INDEPENDENT, TO THE EXTENT OF BEING DEAD WRONG.

I think Tina will always regret her decision to end your relationship so coldly and selfishly but I also feel you deserve BETTER than her, you are better off without her as you can never feel safe with her. You deserve a woman who appreciates you for being you, who will make you feel safe in the relationship and who does love you.

THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE SUPPORT.

IN THE FIRST TWO WEEKS OF OUR BREAK UP, I FELT QUITE DEVASTATED.

BUT I'M NOW SLOWLY REALISING THAT IN MY VIEW, SHE MADE A MAJOR ERROR IN DUMPING ME.

HER DAUGHTER IS MOVING TO AUSTRALIA, FOR EXAMPLE. SO SHE REALLY NEEDS AN AUSSIE GUY TO NOW HOOK UP WITH, NOT A CANADIAN OR AN AMERICAN.

ALSO WE BOTH SHARED A LOVE OF LONG DISTANCE HIKING AND BUSHWALKING. IT MAY BE DIFFICULT TO FIND ANOTHER PERSON LIKE THIS.

I ALSO WAS A QUIET PERSON WITH A TEMPERAMENT SHE LIKED. ONCE AGAIN, SHE MAY FIND IT HARD TO FIND SOMEONE COMPATIBLE IN THIS AREA.

I'M ALSO FINANCIALLY OKAY. I COULD GO ON AND ON. I SUSPECT TINA IN YEARS TO COME WILL REGRET HER ACTIONS.

If you and Tina do get back together can you ever feel secure in her enough that she wont do this again? What would happen the next time you don't measure up in her eyes would she end it again? Like walking on eggshells...

I AGREE WITH YOU.

TINA HAS A STRONG MIND. I COULD NEVER FEEL ABSOLUTELY SECURE WITH HER EVER AGAIN.

If she cannot appreciate, respect and love everything you have done in this relationship for her and for you two as a couple then she is not worthy of you!!

Hoist a cold one and do not look back.....

CHEERS MATE.

IT WILL TAKE ME ABOUT A YEAR TO GET OVER TINA.

BUT ONCE I DO, THINGS WILL GO FROM STRENGTH TO STRENGTH, I RECKON. THERE'LL BE NO LOOKING BACK.

EVERYTHING ALWAYS WORKS OUT OKAY IN THE END. (y)(y)(y)

#2016-06-09 13:49:05 by Barry1 @Barry1

@fj1383

Why not assume Tina planned all of this long before Barry moved to China??!! Perhaps long before she even met Barry online she was looking for an Australian savior.

MANY THANKS FOR YOUR VIEWS, FJ1383.

I DON'T THINK TINA WAS AS CALCULATING AS THIS. BUT YOUR IDEA IS AN INTERESTING ONE THAT I'M SURE HAS OCCURRED IN REAL LIFE TO OTHER PEOPLE.

I HAVE TWO SINGLE MALE FRIENDS IN CHINA.WESTERN. BOTH OF THEM TELL ME THAT MOST CHINESE LADIES STOP TALKING TO THEM SOON AFTER REALISING THEY ARE NOT MEN OF SIGNIFICANT FINANCIAL WORTH AND THAT THEY INTEND TO KEEP LIVING IN CHINA OR ASIA.

From my experience, some single Chinese mothers can be extremely cold blooded and very calculating when it comes to love. They'll always put their kids' wishes/whims first no matter if they're reasonable or attainable at all.

YES, THIS IS TRUE.

I CAN BARELY BELIEVE HOW MUCH SOME CHINESE PARENTS DOTE ON THEIR KIDS, GIVING THEM ALMOST EVERYTHING.

IN TINA'S CASE, SHE GAVE HER 18 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER VIRTUALLY ALL THE MONEY FROM THE SALE OF HER SECOND APARTMENT, TO FURTHER HER EDUCATION.

BUT THEN SHE DUMPED ME, FOR REASONS MUCH LESS SIGNIFICANT THAN THIS.


As far as I can see, Barry proved his true love to Tina many times with real actions but Tina didn't do much at all rather than try to push her own selfish agenda onto Barry!. So come on people!

THANKS.

I AGREE WITH THIS.

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDEWR THAN WORDS.

AT THE VERY END, I MADE IT CLEAR TO TINA THAT EVEN IF I MOVED AWAY FROM HER TO ANOTHER CITY TO EARN MUCH MORE MONEY, I WOULD WAIT THREE YEARS FOR HER, UNTIL HER RETIREMENT.

I TOLD HER WE COULD VISIT EACH OTHER OFTEN AND SPEAK ON WEB CAM EVERY NIGHT.

I TOLD HER THAT AFTER SHE RETIRED, WE COULD TRAVEL TOGETHER AROUND CHINA AND ASIA, STAYING FOR A FEW WEEKS OR A FEW MONTHS HERE AND THERE, ENJOYING OUR FREEDOM.

BUT SHE REJECTED ALL OF THIS. IN HER EYES, I WAS THE BAD GUY AND SHE HAD DONE NOTHING WRONG.

Nobody should aim so high if they don't have the means. It's extremely ridiculous and totally selfish to expect your future husband/wife solve all your troubles. Remember ladies, you're looking for true love, not a lottery ticket! Cheers!


LET ME SUMMARISE BY SAYING THAT UPON REFLECTION, NOW THAT THE EMOTIONS HAVE SETTLED, I BELIEVE TINA MADE A MAJOR ERROR IN DUMPING ME.

I THINK SHE WILL REALISE THIS MORE AND MORE IN MONTHS TO COME.

BUT BY THEN IT'LL BE TOO LATE. I'LL HAVE MOVED ON.

I STILL WISH TINA WELL. I STILL HOPE SHE CAN FIND HAPPINESS. BUT IT'LL BE WITHOUT ME.

CHEERS MATE. :^):^)

#2016-06-10 01:28:44 by anonymous15034 @anonymous15034

I understand Tina. She sold an apartment to pay for her daughter's education expenses, and all she wanted was a small amount of help from you, but you refused to give and you mentioned numerous times that Tina's daughter is her daughter- what you said basically means it was none of your business. You also said most Chinese youngsters go to college in China, why overseas education- which you called an extravagance. I understand if there is a chance, every parent would want their kids to get better things, including better education. When in hard times, who we can turn to ? If not to our beloved one, friends, family members, relatives... then who? A friend in need is a friend indeed. Even an ordinary friend would offer help in such circumstances, and I can tell that she loved you and considered you as her husband to be, so it was natural that she expected a little help from you! You two made love ( we all know this from reading your blogs as you sometimes described in such a detail) , she probably regarded you as her husband-her most intimate and trustable person. But you refused to get involved, she might think , what does " for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer..." mean ... considering that you both knew in your hearts that you two were going to get married. I guess most Chinese women would consider your act selfish. I wonder why some western guys here said that you did the right thing. Culture thing?

#2016-06-11 15:52:37 by Barry1 @Barry1

@anonymous15034

I understand Tina.

NIHAO.

YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY A CHINESE LADY.

I WELCOME YOUR VIEWPOINT.

She sold an apartment to pay for her daughter's education expenses, and all she wanted was a small amount of help from you, but you refused to give and you mentioned numerous times that Tina's daughter is her daughter- what you said basically means it was none of your business.

AS MENTIONED, I HELPED WITH DAY TO DAY LIVING EXPENSES.

BUT I DECLINED TO PAY FOR LARGER EXPENSES, WHICH I CONSIDERED WAS THE RESPONSIBILITY OF THE FATHER. I AM NOT THE PARENT, I AM MERELY A FIANCE, NOT EVEN YET MARRIED.

You also said most Chinese youngsters go to college in China, why overseas education- which you called an extravagance.

YES, AN 18 YEAR OLD TRAVELING OVERSEAS FOR SEVERAL YEARS TO LIVE IN AN EXPENSIVE COUNTRY AND TO RECEIVE AN EXPENSIVE EDUCATION IN MY VIEW IS AN EXTRAVAGANCE.

IT'S NICE IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT...... BUT TINA HAD TO SELL HER RETIREMENT APARTMENT IN ORDER TO FUND THIS.

TINA WILL NOW LIVE OUT HER LIFE IN POORER CONDITIONS THAN OTHERWISE SHE COULD HAVE LIVED.

SHE COULD HAVE BEEN RECEIVING RENT FROM HER APARTMENT FOR THE NEXT 30 YEARS TO HELP HER LEAD A HIGHER QUALITY LIFE, BUT INSTEAD OF THIS, SHE GAVE THE MONEY TO HER DAUGHTER.

I understand if there is a chance, every parent would want their kids to get better things, including better education.

YES, THIS IS TRUE.

When in hard times, who we can turn to ? If not to our beloved one, friends, family members, relatives... then who? A friend in need is a friend indeed.

AS IT TURNED OUT, TINA DIDN'T LOVE ME AS MUCH AS I THOUGHT.

BECAUSE IF SHE DID, SHE WOULD NOT HAVE DUMPED ME SO CALLOUSLY.

AND THESE ARE NOT HARD TIMES FOR TINA.

HER DAUGHTER COULD EASILY HAVE DONE WHAT 99 PER CENT OF OTHER CHINESE CHILDREN DO - REMAIN IN CHINA AND STUDY HARD.

SO WHY DO YOU SAY TIMES WERE HARD?

I GAVE THE DAUGHTER PLENTY OF TIME, ADVICE AND FRIENDSHIP.

BUT I DECLINED TO OFFER SIGNIFICANT MONEY, BECAUSE SHE IS NOT MY DAUGHTER AND ALSO, AS I KEEP SAYING, I WAS A FIANCE, NOT A HUSBAND OR STEP FATHER.

Even an ordinary friend would offer help in such circumstances,

THIS IS RUBBISH.

ARE YOU SAYING THAT AN ORDINARY FRIEND WOULD GIVE TENS OF THOUSANDS OF YUAN TO ANOTHER ORDINARY FRIEND, TO HELP HER 18 YEAR OLD CHILD TRAVEL OVERSEAS?

HOW MUCH MONEY HAVE YOU GIVEN TO ALL YOUR ORDINARY FRIENDS, TO HELP THEIR CHILDREN TRAVEL OVERSEAS?

I BET THE ANSWER IS ZERO.

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

and I can tell that she loved you and considered you as her husband to be, so it was natural that she expected a little help from you!

AS I SAY, I HELPED WITH DAY TO DAY LIVING EXPENSES, NOT EXPENSIVE OVERSEAS TRIPS FOR SOMEONE ELSE'S CHILD.

You two made love ( we all know this from reading your blogs as you sometimes described in such a detail), she probably regarded you as her husband-her most intimate and trustable person.

IF THIS IS TRUE, THEN WHY WAS I DUMPED BY HER IN SUCH A CRUEL AND HEARTLESS WAY?

But you refused to get involved, she might think , what does " for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer..." mean ... considering that you both knew in your hearts that you two were going to get married.

THE FACT REMAINS THAT WE WERE NOT MARRIED.

NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU TRY TO SAY THIS, TINA AND I WERE NOT SPOUSES.

WE WERE LIVING WITH EACH OTHER IN ORDER TO SEE IF WE WERE COMPATIBLE OR NOT. A WISE MOVE, AS IT TURNED OUT.

WE HAD NEVER DISCUSSED MARRIAGE.

I guess most Chinese women would consider your act selfish.

I MOVED COUNTRIES TO BE WITH TINA.

I CHANGED JOBS, CHANGED CAREERS.

WHAT SUBSTANTIAL THING HAD TINA DONE FOR ME, TO PARALLEL THE SUBSTANTIAL MOVES I HAD MADE?

SO WHY WOULD ANY THINKING, KIND HEARTED CHINESE LADY BELIEVE MY ACTIONS WERE SELFISH?

I wonder why some western guys here said that you did the right thing. Culture thing?

MOST GUYS HERE BELIEVE I DID THE RIGHT THING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE.

I DID IN FACT DO THE RIGHT THING.

END OF STORY.

MANY THANKS FOR YOUR INTERESTING ALBEIT SOMEWHAT FLAWED AND QUESTIONABLE INPUT. (clap)(clap)

#2016-06-11 18:33:46 by paulfox1 @paulfox1

@anonymous15034

Whoaaa Boy! Hold them horses!!!!

"You two made love (we all know this from reading your blogs as you sometimes described in such a detail), she probably regarded you as her husband - her most intimate and trustable person. But you refused to get involved,"

Who the hell do you THINK you are, coming here anonymously and spouting all this holier-than-thou bullshit?

Then you have the audacity to question it as being a 'culture thing'?

Well let me tell you a bit about culture, Mr/Ms Anony-mouse.....

I've had Chinese women sending me naked pictures of themselves. I've even had them sending me videos of them masturbating. I've been met at the airport by Chinese women who are not wearing any PANTIES in order to save a few seconds when we arrive at the hotel - and guess what? Not ONE of them considered me to be their husband.

It may strike you as odd, but many women enjoy sex just as much as men. It also does not mean that they would sleep with 'anyone', nor does it make them sluts. It makes them 'human'!

Barry and Tina were a couple. They lived together as such, and that meant that they slept together. Does that make Tina a 'slut'? NO!
Does it make Barry a 'playboy'? NO!

But equally it does NOT make them man-and-wife either!

You also talked about 'hard times'. Have you actually READ any of the previous posts here? Barry has already stated that Tina has the money to send her daughter abroad. She did not NEED his money, but she WANTED it!

While Barry and Tina were together, he should have looked after Tina's daughters well-being. He should NOT be required to fork-out a huge amount of money to send her daughter to an overseas university, when he played no part in the decision for her to go.

Yes, we all want what is best for our kids. Many Chinese parents send their kids overseas to study and graduate at university in order to give them a better chance of gaining decent employment when they return to China after 4 years or so.

However, it not a necessity. Many Chinese people do extremely well for themselves without going overseas to study. Therefore it was a decision that had been made in the dim-and-distant past, long before Barry came along.

Barry is certainly NOT selfish, and this has absolutely nothing to do with culture.

Now please go and crawl back under your rock!

#2016-06-11 19:31:32 by anonymous15039 @anonymous15039

I am a Chinese woman and here is my point, I don't think Barry should pay for Tina's daughter's education fee, it is NOT his obligation, plus, now I suspect Tina's motivation to hook up with an Australian guy
I think the purpose is very important, for man and woman here, ask yourself what you are really looking for? you look for a partner or looking for someone to help to raise the kid you have with another man?? Is it fair that you ask a man who is not the real father of your kid to support the kid you have with another man??

Hi Barry, when you reply other people's comments, can you not write in capical letters? it is really not easy to read, you can do like this:
Other people's comments
Barry: you can write your reply here, just put your name first, can you understand my suggestion?
Just put your name Barry: before you write your reply

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