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Barry from Australia is a questioning soul who looks at social issues from an alternative point of view and instead of asking, “Why?”, he asks “Why not?” He’s convinced that many of his previous incarnations were spent in China. He feels drawn to the people there; attracted by their rich culture and way of life. If given one wish from God, he’d reply, “I want everyone on Earth to be the same colour, speak the same language, and treat each other as they themselves would like to be treated.”
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We're born alone. We die alone.    

By Barry Pittman
28688 Views | 254 Comments | 5/19/2016 4:02:07 PM
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#2016-06-04 18:24:02 by Barry1 @Barry1

@Barry1

"Barry , you and Tina were in a relationship for 2 years. I doubt that your problems were recent.

YES, YOU'RE CORRECT. BUT I THOUGHT THEY WEREN'T AS SERIOUS AS ULTIMATELY THEY PROVED TO BE.

I was told a long time ago that a long distance relationship needed a definite mutually acceptable pathway in place within the first 18 months. In my past failed distance relationship I found that to be true.

YES, THIS APPEARS REASONABLE.

IF ANYTHING, I WOULD HAVE SAID 12 MONTHS, RATHER THAN 18 MONTHS.

TINA'S 3 YEAR WAIT UNTIL HER RETIREMENT WAS ALWAYS GOING TO BE A PROBLEM, ONE THAT I HADN'T FULLY BEEN ABLE TO SOLVE.

Maybe Tina has had serious concerns for the last 6 months. Maybe you have failed in her eyes repeatedly in that time. If that were the case then the "abrupt" end would make sense.

IN RETROSPECT, TRHIS IS TRUE.

BUT I HAD NO REAL IDEA HOW BADLY I WAS APPARENTLY FAILING IN TINA'S EYES.

I THINK MAYBE SHE SHOULD'VE TOLD ME EARLY ON, SO WE COULD HAVE THEN HAD A FULL AND FRANK BRAIN STORMING DISCUSSION ABOUT IT ALL.

In a genuine relationship problems are always shared. For Tina, her daughter's education was something she had to make happen regardless of the hardship that she had to endure. Your response? Not my problem.

WELL, TINA'S DAUGHTER IS TINA'S DAUGHTER.

SHE'S NOT MY DAUGHTER.

I WAS AT ALL TIMES FRIENDLY AND HELPFUL TO THE DAUGHTER, WITH THE ONE EXCFEPTION BEING THAT AS A YOUNG ADULT, NOT A CHILD - I DIDN'T FEEL THAT I ALSO NEEDED TO BE FINANCIALLY INVOLVED IN A SIGNIFICANT WAY WITH THE DAUGHTER.

Is your relationship finished? Your profile back on gives the answer - yes.

TINA BY THE WAY HAS HER PROFILE LISTED ON TWO SEPARATE WEBSITES. THIS IS DOUBLE THE NUMBER OF SITES WHERE MY PROFILE IS LISTED.

DOES THIS SAY ANYTHING?

I'LL LEAVE THIS UP TO YOU TO JUDGE.

I APPRECIATE YOUR INTERESTING COMMENTS.

CHEERS MATE. (clap)(clap)

#2016-06-04 18:34:46 by Barry1 @Barry1

@anonymous15004

"Barry, if Tina expected you to pay all or some of Wendy's school expenses she may feel you are Dad and husband material?

YES, THIS IS TRUE.

I agree the biological father should pay some as well if he is involved in Wendy's life, if he is just a monthly payment with little or no contact with Wendy then the situation becomes more difficult.

UNFORTUNATELY THE EX HUSBAND IS A DEAD BEAT DAD, GIVING HIS DAUGHTER LITTLE OR NOTHING.

Question for you: how did Tina react when you refused to share/pay Wendy's expenses?

WITH THE BENEFIT OF HINDSIGHT, I BELIEVE TINA THOUGHT I WAS A MOST SELFISH PERSON. IT WAS FROM THIS POINT ONWARDS WHERE HER LOVE FOR ME DIMINISHED, I BELIEVE.

I also would like to add that I have found most if not all the Chinese women I have met would expect you to pay in this situation, it is almost like a sense of self entitlement on their parts something that we as western men see from western women on a daily basis. Coincidental?

I MAINTAIN THAT THE 18 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER IS A YOUNG ADULT. I FAIL TO SEE WHY I SHOULD FEEL COMPELLED TO HELP HER FINANCIALLY IN TRAVELING TO AN OVERSEAS COUNTRY AND STUDYING, SOMETHING THAT MOST CHINESE KIDS HER AGE COULD ONLY EVER DREAM ABOUT.

MOST KIDS HER AGE WOULD GIVE THEIR LEFT ARM TO BE GIVEN AN OPPORTUNITY LIKE THIS. SO TO ME IT WAS A LUXURY ITEM, NOT AN ESSENTIAL COMPONENT OF LIFE. I THUS REST MY CASE.

Also it is their way of testing you...

I CERTAINLY FAILED THE TEST.

THIS SITUATION WAS JUST ANOTHER NAIL IN THE COFFIN.

On the flip side: I feel personally that if you and Tina were engaged to be married then you could have volunteered to pay or help out in this situation. If there was no firm commitment to marry why should you be expected to pay as you are not Wendy's father.

WE HAD BEEN ENGAGED FOR NEARLY TWO YEARS.

I STILL BELIEVE THAT IT WASN'T ESSENTIAL FOR TINA'S DAUGHTER TO STUDY OVERSEAS. THIS WAS HER CHOICE AND HER MOTHER'S CHOICE.

SO WHY SHOULD I BE EXPECTED TO PITCH IN AND HELP IN SUCH AN EXTRAVAGANT AND EXPENSIVE SCENARIO?

CHEERS BUDDY. (y)(y)

#2016-06-04 18:41:06 by Barry1 @Barry1

@paulfox1

"All men are bastards
All men are liars
Men can never be trusted
All men are playboys"

Though your comments were in a sense rather tongue-in-cheek Paul, they were based unfortunately on reality.

Ladies often act as tempermental prima donnas when they can't get their own way. But if the man reacts he's called all sorts of unsavoury names.

It's a no win situation.

Anyway Paul, a great comment. Thanks mate. (beer)(beer)

#2016-06-04 22:01:06 by roughdiamond @roughdiamond

Honestly so many poor old sods that this site is becoming the string section in the M.S.O.. Comments have gone from comments to essays. I think you guys need to focus on why your here. A quick little bit of my history here. 3 month subscription. filtered more than 100 women. Narrowed it to two. Before I could come to china both had applied for visas to Oz. Only one was successful. lucky for me it was the one I was most keen on. We basically lived together for 10 months. 14 months later we married. Its been 6 months now and I love her both as much and more than the night before. I am her King and she is my Queen, to put it simply, I am the head and she is the neck. and the head always goes where the neck points it. best of luck boys and girls, and always remember love and marriage is a commitment and a state of mind. So put a teaspoon of cement in your morning coffees and toughen the $#@! up.

#2016-06-05 15:07:10 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

@roughdiamond - Congratulations, we couldn't be happier for you, but we'd sure appreciate it if you and yours would provide us your success story, including some pictures, so we could post it in our Success Stories section on the site.

It is amazing to me how many couples announce their having met and married on CLM either in a comment on the blogs or forum, or in an email to us, but how few of those couples will come forth and provide a Success Story. Yet the Success Stories are the number one tool we have to encourage members to persevere and good things will come.

Do us a huge favour and show the poor old sods and the Chinese ladies on CLM how to succeed by leading by example and sending us your story, yours in English and hers in Chinese, together with a few photos of you both happily together. It would be much appreciated by all.

#2016-06-05 15:17:59 by Barry1 @Barry1

@roughdiamond

"Honestly so many poor old sods that this site is becoming the string section in the M.S.O..

THE MELBOURNE SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA LOL

IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU THINK WE'RE ALL JUST A BUNCH OF PITIFUL BASTARDS WHO SHOULD STOP WHINING.

ON THE OTHER HAND, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT??? :^):^)

Comments have gone from comments to essays.

IS THIS NECESSARILY A BAD THING?

I PERSONALLY FIND IT INTERESTING TO READ OTHERS' VIEWPOINTS AT LENGTH. BUT IF YOU PREFER, MAYBE YOU COULD SIMPLY SKIM THROUGH THEM?

I think you guys need to focus on why your here.

TO FIND A GOOD CHINESE WOMAN...... A DECEPTIVELY HARD JOB, IN SOME CASES

A quick little bit of my history here.

CHEERS MATE

3 month subscription. filtered more than 100 women. Narrowed it to two. Before I could come to china both had applied for visas to Oz. Only one was successful. lucky for me it was the one I was most keen on.

SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT PLAN THAT WORKED WELL FOR YOU!

We basically lived together for 10 months. 14 months later we married. Its been 6 months now and I love her both as much and more than the night before. I am her King and she is my Queen, to put it simply, I am the head and she is the neck. and the head always goes where the neck points it.

FANTASTIC STORY TO HEAR.

IN PARTICULAR, I THINK LIVING TOGETHER FOR A MINIMUM OF SIX MONTHS BEFORE MARRIAGE IS A VERY SMART THING TO DO.

best of luck boys and girls, and always remember love and marriage is a commitment and a state of mind.

I'VE NEARLY GIVEN UP ON FINDING LOVE.

MAYBE SEARCHING FOR DEEP FRIENDSHIP AND COMPANIONSHIP IS BOTH MORE REALISTIC AND ENDURING?

So put a teaspoon of cement in your morning coffees and toughen the $#@! up.

ADDING CEMENT INTO YOUR COFFEE WOULD RUIN A PERFECTLY GOOD CUP OF BREW, WOULDN'T IT? :^)

#2016-06-06 11:00:11 by melcyan @melcyan

"Be careful what you wish for"
No doubt Barry, you are familiar with this expression. Alongside this expression there should be another -
"Be careful what you fear"

There was a lot about Tina that fitted what you wished for, but in the end, it looks like an unresolved fear from a previous relationship of yours (your partner's child coming between you and your partner) resulted in your relationship with Tina ending.

Last night I discussed your story with my partner. She asked me how I would respond to the same problem.

"MY RESPONSE TO MY PARTNER"

You have reached the position that you want your daughter to study for a degree in Australia. For you this is a non-negotiable need. Getting your Chinese pension by working another 3 years in China is your other non-negotiable need. I want you to be my wife living together in Australia. That is my non-negotiable need. Can all three of these non-negotiable needs be met?

Three years is not a long time when you know you are helping your partner achieve a fundamental non-negotiable need. I can work in Australia and help your daughter in any way I can. You will need to visit Australia as many times as your work and our finances allow. We can marry now or in 3 years time.

My partner was happy with my response. Somehow we always find a way and we never let the echoes of a past relationship contaminate ours.

(I am genuinely sorry for you and Tina. I previously had the feeling that both of you were on the right path and nothing would stop you. )

#2016-06-06 13:08:10 by paulfox1 @paulfox1

I don't usually quote song lyrics, but sometimes a song can say just as much as a picture.....

From one of my all-time favourite songs (with personal pronouns changed in a few places)
'No Surprise' by Chris Daughtry -

If you could see the future and how this plays out
I bet it's better than where you are now
And after going through this it's easier to see the reason why

It's no surprise you won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that you've stayed till today
There's nothing there in your heart left to follow
There's nothing there in your soul left to say
Don't be surprised when you hate this tomorrow
God knows you tried to find an easier way
Yeah you and she will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time you'll find that it's no surprise

The favourite place you used to go
The warm embrace that no-one knows
The loving look that's left her eyes
That's why this comes as no, as no surprise.

#2016-06-07 12:59:15 by Barry1 @Barry1

@paulfox1

You're correct, Paul.

"No Surprise" by Daughtry is a classic song if one bothers to listen to the lyrics. A very meaningful song.

For those who are able, it can be viewed here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyl24HRGgSU

Or if you prefer to read the karaoke version with words, it can be seen here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NJEAGjN-Xs8


Great stuff indeed.

Thanks Paul. (beer)(beer)

#2016-06-07 13:15:16 by Barry1 @Barry1

@melcyan

"Be careful what you wish for"
No doubt Barry, you are familiar with this expression. Alongside this expression there should be another -
"Be careful what you fear"

There was a lot about Tina that fitted what you wished for, but in the end, it looks like an unresolved fear from a previous relationship of yours (your partner's child coming between you and your partner) resulted in your relationship with Tina ending.


IN RETROSPECT MELCYAN, WHEN I DECLINED TO HELP PAY FOR TINA'S DAUFGHTER'S EXPENSES, THIS WAS A BIG NEGATIVE IN MY CHARACTER AS FAR AS TINA WAS CONCERNED.

BUT LET ME SAY THIS AGAIN.

TINA'S DAUGHTER IS A YOUNG ADULT, AGED 18. I GAVE HER PLENTY OF ADVICE AND MORAL SUPPORT, BUT CONSIDERED THAT I NEED NOT OR SHOULD NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR CONTRIBUTING A SUBSTANTIAL AMOUNT OF MONEY TOWARD HER EDUCATION.

I STAND BY THIS DECISION EVEN NOW.

Last night I discussed your story with my partner. She asked me how I would respond to the same problem.


You have reached the position that you want your daughter to study for a degree in Australia. For you this is a non-negotiable need. Getting your Chinese pension by working another 3 years in China is your other non-negotiable need. I want you to be my wife living together in Australia. That is my non-negotiable need. Can all three of these non-negotiable needs be met?

GOOD QUESTIONS.

E3XCEPT I WAS PREPARED TO STAY IN CHINA FOR ANOTHER ONE OR TWO YEARS, THE ONLY THING BEING I WANTED TO WORK IN A HIGHER PAYING JOB IN ANOTHER CITY.

Three years is not a long time when you know you are helping your partner achieve a fundamental non-negotiable need. I can work in Australia and help your daughter in any way I can.

I STILL FAIL TO SEE WHY I WAS OBLIGATED TO SPEND THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS ON TINA'S DAUGHTER, A YOUNG ADULT WHO WAS PURSUING HER OWN PERSONAL NON-ESSENTIAL DREAM.


You will need to visit Australia as many times as your work and our finances allow. We can marry now or in 3 years time.

I TOLD TINA I WAS PREPARED TO STAY IN CHINA IN ANOTHER CITY. SO WE COULD VISIT EACH OTHER MUCH MORE READILY.

I ALSO TOLD HER I WOULD WAIT THE THREE YEARS FOR HER.

I SAID WE COULD CHAT VIA WEBCAM EVERY NIGHT.



My partner was happy with my response.

TINA WAS NOT HAPPY WITH MY RESPONSE.

SHE REJECTED MY PROPOSITION THAT I WAS PREPARED TO WAIT A FURTHER THREE YEARS FOR HER, WORKING IN ANOTHER CITY IN CHINA, EARNING MUCH HIGHER PAY.

Somehow we always find a way and we never let the echoes of a past relationship contaminate ours.

I PUT IT TO YOU MELCYAN, THAT IN THIS WHOLE RELATIONSHIP, TIME AFTER TIME, I PULLED MORE THAN MY FAIR SHARE OF THE WEIGHT.

I MOVED COUNTRIES, FOR PETE'S SAKE.

I SWITCHED CAREERS.

I OFFERED TO WAIT ANOTHER THREE YEARS FOR TINA. ALL TO NO AVAIL.

WHAT MAJOR LIFE CHANGES HAD TINA PERFORMED, COMPARED TO THOSE I HAD DEMONSTRATED? LET'S BE BRUTALLY HONEST HERE.

YET CONTINUALLY I'M PAINTED BY SOME AS THE "BAD GUY" HERE.

(I am genuinely sorry for you and Tina. I previously had the feeling that both of you were on the right path and nothing would stop you. )

THANKS MELCYAN.

AS USUAL, YOUR COMMENTS WERE BOTH THOUGHT PROVOKING AND APPRECIATED. (clap)(clap)

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