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By Ken Silver About Asia
3500 Views | 4 Comments | 7/23/2013 3:30:53 AM

Indonesian women like this Manado food stall cutie can be incredibly attractive, thereby perhaps distracting President Obama from a more intense examination of Pakistani excuses for missing Bin Laden's presence at some of their government parties.

I recently had the honor of Asia travel with American President Barrack Obama to the wonderful country of Indonesia. After a long day of statecraft the President would love to disguise himself as a humble spice merchant and go out with me onto the night streets of Jakarta where he would graciously give away American jobs to Indonesians we met.

“We must not confine all our generosity to Mexico”, he would remark.

Suddenly, in front of us, a quarrel broke out.

“Drone strike, Mr. President Sir?” I suggested.

He shook his head. “No, wait till a crowd gathers.”

Did you catch the televised official Pakistani explanation as to how it happened they were oblivious to Osama Bin Laden’s comfortable presence in their country for so many years?

It’s a great relief to be a third world country. Nobody expects competence. Whenever the governing elite get caught in a big lie they can always just slap their foreheads and blame it on the camel. Or, as Pakistan recently did, blame it on everybody. Their intelligence agency, the courts, the police, the prime minister, the armed forces, and, as I said, the camel. All shamelessly portrayed –and excused away - as hopelessly inept. A lot different from Chinese culture, which portrays its scapegoats as cunningly evil.

I saw the Pakistani official televised explanation, and I still can’t believe it. A smiling middle aged lady – with the famous radiant third world middle aged overweight motherly radiant smile – explained it as “Oh that! You see, our intelligence agency, they are anything but! Our Supreme Court drinks too much! Their mothers –I know them-are ashamed! Our really really stupid police? Too many Pakistani donuts! The military? They sleep till noon!

This was followed by a short video clip of Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif tearfully promising to lay off the hashish.

Personally I would have gone with “money, money, big bags of money”.

Sure it’s a bit embarrassing to portray oneself as a movie caricature, but Americans will believe it. After all, they’ve seen it in the movies.

That was it. Really! “We are all idiots. Look, even the production values on this telecast are shameful. Have some tea?”

In the United States when an agency screws up it’s made to sound as scientific and impressively Greek Tragedy as possible. With a six month investigation coming and a report you could brain an elephant with.

My own belief, by the way, is that the real reason nobody high up in the F.B.I. acted on those field reports that 10 gentleman of Islamic views were learning how to fly passenger jets but not to land them was because the F.B.I. higher ups feared potential discrimination charges would ruin their chances for career advancement if a deeper investigation turned up nothing.

Well, my personal research has uncovered the real top ten reasons Pakistani Intelligence didn’t know Bin Laden was living down the block from their headquarters. In fact, just past the fork in the road whose markers pointed left to Pakistani intelligence Headquarters and right to the Bin Laden’s’ residence.

10-He never stopped in to borrow a cupful of sugar.

9- They were all too busy playing cricket in their offices.

8- They knew, but were too embarrassed. They didn’t speak up immediately, and then it just got more and more embarrassing each time they saw him. “Just like at the office where you don’t speak to a co-worker right off, and get more and more self conscious each time you see them! And the time that our Field Director ran into Bin Laden at an exhibit of photos of New York… Oh My God!”

7- They knew, but the house note on their headquarters was due, and Al Qaeda was paying.

6- Due to a memo, they all thought Bin Laden had been killed by a polar bear. They were reluctant to disturb his ghost, even when it gave loud parties.

5-- Bin Laden was bribing everyone with big bags of money, and since the only big bags of money in town were from the CIA, well, you can see the embarrassment for our beloved Washington allies. So we kept silent!

4- Bin Laden, was after all, a very good customer who paid his bribes days before they were due.

3-The police agency did stop a man who had Bin Laden’s features, height, and DNA. But when asked if he had ever attacked New York City, he smiled with embarrassment and said, “God is great, but these days my memory is not so good.” So, equally embarrassed, they let him go.

2- Was that Bin Laden? He looked so different in his photos.
And the number one reason…

1 – They did know, but, by Allah, why spoil the fun?

I have heard other reasons for the Pakistani failure to find Bin Laden. It is said some internet scammers substituted a picture of a gorilla for every picture of Bin Laden. Probably not relevant, as everyone knows Pakistani Intelligence only uses the internet for international online dating, making good use of the CIA’s Asian dating tips.

Others have suggested serious research be done into exactly what goes into the constantly consumed Pakistani tea.

Others have suggested the Prime Minister also lay off the opium. And, schedule permitting, the cocaine.

But, what about the widely feared ISI, the Pakistani Intelligence Agency? It’s understood they use fear and terror to run things in both Pakistan and Afghanistan. What about their reputation for knowing everything about what goes on? They didn’t know Bin Laden was down the block from them? What about the fear they strike in everyone’s heart?

Ah, but it is not that kind of fear at all! Listen to these remarks by those who have encountered the supposedly dreaded ISI…

“Oh my God. They came to my room and were so embarrassing! One agent spilled the tea I made him onto his crotch! I feared I would die laughing! After a while they ran out of questions about Al Qaeda and started asking me who was my decorator! I was so embarrassed; I wished they would arrest my mother or something so they would have a reason to leave!”

“They were ridiculous! One agent asked me if I wished Bin Laden’s happiness, but because he had learned his English in Karachi he kept asking me if I wished Bin Laden’s “hard penis.” I feared I would die laughing!”

“They were like the American Three Stooges! I was hiding Bin Laden, and as they searched my apartment he kept moving through the room doors ahead of them! Finally, he was behind the sofa they sat on and kept making rude finger gestures above their heads. I feared I would burst out laughing!

I reported all the above to President Obama in a secret memo.

I took the liberty of adding my personal disappointment when independent research revealed that only about three guys in the Al Qaeda organization actually believe they will get sex in the afterlife –uh, that is, are fighting for religious reasons. Everyone else is just trying to make some oil money so they can buy some nice clothes and have sex in this life.

Anyhow, it’s all pretty amazing huh? While your government shakes you down for every little penny you have left, Pakistan’s Theatre of the Absurd explanation of how Bin Laden escaped detection is accepted and billions of dollars of hard cash continue to pour in!

Too bad our government is not as understanding and forgiving towards you and me. They could at least pay my coke bill.

Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
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#2013-07-23 23:01:08 by twhite725 @twhite725

Other lame excuses: Perhaps with prompting from the CIA, Panama gave as pretext to Italy not to extradite the US Milan station chief named Lady who was convicted of kidnapping (rendition) a Muslim cleric and sending him off to torture in Egypt (and eventually freed without charges)... the same excuse as Hong Kong for allowing Ed Snowden to depart for Moscow, "the documentation was in incorrect!"

#2013-07-24 03:41:11 by Hunk007 @Hunk007

The only question is that if he was really Bin Ladan, why didnt the CIA exposed his dead body to public. Other thing is that all those troops who took part in that operation were killed after couple of weeks in chopper crash.
I have got one thing to say that it was just a plan to clean up the "US Govt Mess"

#2013-07-24 09:17:38 by ivyfairytale @ivyfairytale

hi,Is this real?

#2013-07-25 10:55:13 by twilightsmith @twilightsmith

Yeah, it is mostly real. The Pakistani government claimed massive breakdown of their intelligence over all departments. Obviously a simpler explanation is that they knew.

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