Let’s talk about the recent American Secret Service Columbian Prostitute scandal! Yeah, it has nothing to do with international internet dating, or finding the girl of your dreams in Asia, but still it’s very relevant.

You say “But Ken, I’m no automatic weapons specialist. I’m not a trained sniper, or a communications expert, like those Secret Service guys are. I’m not even an attack dog handler, unless you consider my last romantic relationship. (Not from this internet dating web site, of course!). I’m just a guy looking for a date on a Saturday night. I haven’t checked my current messages, but nobody has asked me to protect the President this weekend.”

Well, perhaps not, but you are or will be a purchaser of goods and services overseas, just like those Secret Service agents. Maybe you really want a hot teakwood sculpture of an elephant! Picture it- the night has fallen; and you’ve hit the wild third world streets, searching for a hot teak wood sculpture of an elephant.

Don’t be like those Secret Service agents, know your ass from your elbow, and watch your back! You don’t ever want local police to come to your door.

You never want to have Secret Service agents come to your door either, come to think of it.

Also, Secret Service agents in a foreign country never want to have the local police come to their door.

And, probably, foreign local police don’t want American Secret Service agents to come to their door, either!

What good can come of any of the above happening?

Even if the local police are honest, that’s no good, because honest police will file paperwork. They will insist on having you come down to the police station, to liven up a boring night. If the local police are dishonest they will try to aid the locals in shaking you down. Or, maybe they are in on the shake down from the beginning.

Finally if the guys knocking at your hotel door are Secret Service agents, they will ask you to find women for them, and that’s hard work. Obviously, those guys don’t tip well.

Both honest and dishonest police will ask you to hand over your passport. The moment of truth… I knew a guy who refused to hand over his passport to Laotian police, and he got away with it. Of course he knew they were up to no good, and they knew he knew it.

Whether to hand over the passport is a complicated calculus whose variables include:

1-are you in a globally newsworthy tourist attraction, or some back alley bar?

2-are you with a very well dressed female fellow tourist who will immediately begin screaming for her consulate while standing in the center of that globally newsworthy tourist attraction?

3-has whatever military general who runs the tourist attraction decreed that there is not to be a breath of bad publicity while the hotel complex he is financing goes in? And the local cops all know it?

If not… well, my expertise is limited to hot teak wood statues of elephants.

To add spice to the mix, probably you’ve had a drink or two before this all happened. The Nazis had a drink or two before deciding to invade Soviet Russia. Drinking can often lead to a series of complications and bad judgments.

The Secret Service agents involved have had their careers ruined because they disputed claims of services rendered for $30 or $600, depending on the news reports. Their stupid refusal caused the hotel staff to become involved, which in turn led to the involvement of the local police.

Who mentioned all this to the American embassy.

You really want to settle things before the local police arrive. Heck, before the hotel staff arrives. And you have to be sharp about this, because a phone call takes less than a minute. While you are thinking it over, neurons ticking away, the phone is picked up by angry people, the call made, and the situation becomes irreversibly more difficult.

Of course, this may all be a prearranged setup the police are already in on…

In any case… you will be allowed by all concerned to walk out to the ATM. Don’t worry about that. $30, or $600, I say, get it paid off and over. Some people say” Fight it!” urging you to phone the helpful “Tourist Police”, the Embassy, etc.

Well, it’s up to you, and perhaps it depends on how bad things can become. If you are guilty, pay it off. If the frame up is a good one, pay it off. If it’s an absurd charge and they want a lot of money I guess you can fight it.

The real trouble is often the collateral damage, not the actual charge, as the Secret Service agents found out.

My most recent experience was with a frame up. My friend was innocent, but it sure looked like he was guilty, mostly because it was a good frame. We paid and shook hands with the enemy.

Everybody should then go away happy, remarking what a sensible person you are.

If you are still nervous about it, leave town the next day.