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Barry from Australia is a questioning soul who looks at social issues from an alternative point of view and instead of asking, “Why?”, he asks “Why not?” He’s convinced that many of his previous incarnations were spent in China. He feels drawn to the people there; attracted by their rich culture and way of life. If given one wish from God, he’d reply, “I want everyone on Earth to be the same colour, speak the same language, and treat each other as they themselves would like to be treated.”
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Your China Trip - If You Intend to Meet More Than One Lady    

By Barry Pittman
5694 Views | 17 Comments | 12/2/2013 1:07:27 PM

I plan on visiting China in the next few months.  To this end, I'm speaking to a small handful of ladies, vetting them, if you like.

 

I intend to see more than one person during the trip.  I thus want to ensure that everyone I’m chatting to here is aware of this.  For those men intending to do the same thing  - to meet more than one person  -  it's essential that we're all as open and honest as possible about this.  We're playing with people's emotions  - potentially their entire lives, after all.

 

To this end, I started a forum thread recently titled “If You Intend To Meet More Than One Lady”.  This soon attracted a lot of comments that  were much appreciated, yet slightly distracted from the original message I was trying to convey as other interesting areas of discussion opened up, turning the thread into a veritable "can of slippery, wriggling and mischievous worms".


So this article is part one of a recap or summary of my thoughts on this subject. Part two will follow.  If anyone wants to see the diverse array of comments originally posted on the topic, simply take a look at the relevant thread in the forum section of this welcoming website.

So let’s begin. 

In relation to my chatting to ladies on ChinaLoveMatch, here's what I'm saying to each person.

 

 

“Please let me say that I plan to visit China in the next few months. I hope to meet a small number of ladies and I'm pleased to say that you're one of them. I hope to spend maybe 3, 4 or 5 days with each person, depending on individual circumstances.

I do not wish to have sex with anyone - I just want to meet them and for them to meet me.

I know from experience that chatting over the internet - even using webcam - is not good enough to really know if you're going to like someone or not. Person to person contact is essential. When you and I meet, maybe you won't like me as much as you think you will? Or maybe for some reason, I won't like you as much as I'd hoped?

We won't know these things until we meet FACE TO FACE and spend a few days together, getting to know each other. I hope you can understand this?

I have no problem if you'd like to talk to other men during this period, just as I'm chatting to more than one person. Let me say though that you’re a very special lady to me and I greatly look forward to meeting you in person."
 

 

 

I encourage any men reading this who are also intending to meet more than one person on their trip, to please feel free to copy and paste the above note for their own use, should they wish to.


To be quite honest, though I should be excited and happy about the prospect of soon potentially meeting a wonderful new partner, deep down I'm actually troubled by the process.

 

I worry that I can only choose ONE lady.
I worry that I will have wasted the time of everyone else.
Most important of all, I’m troubled by the knowledge that possibly one or more of the ladies I’ve been talking to will become naturally quite depressed if they’re not chosen as their long held, cherished dream of living in a new land suddenly explodes in their face. 

I’m acutely cognisant of the fact that I’m playing around with people’s heads here, delving deeply into both their private and emotional lives as they ingenuously bare their very souls to me.  God bless you all. 

 

There’s another important consideration that  must be considered also.  Like it or not, there's a reasonable chance that after meeting everyone, the person I feel most attracted to may in fact decide that she doesn't feel the same way about me. Aaahhhh!  I'm not necessarily the best catch in the world after all, not arrogant enough to believe that just because I want someone, that automatically she'll in turn want me

 

This is yet another good reason to not place all one’s eggs into just one basket, but to have a few alternatives. A back up plan.  Imagine going all the way to China to meet the lady of your dreams and she doesn’t like you!  This happened to someone I know, in fact.  He travelled from Perth in Western Australia to Hangzhou  -  a mighty long way  - only to be told, “Thanks but no thanks” by the lady he was smitten with.  The poor guy.  I felt much sympathy for him.  But instead of seeing just this one person, he should’ve visited several, but ah, this is all murky water under the low hanging bridge for him now.  An expensive lesson learnt, both emotionally as well as financially.

 

I’ve been through all of this internet dating process before.  I was a member of an introduction site here in Australia and over a period of time met a bunch of Western women, before slowly yet inevitably realizing that Chinese ladies were superior in so many ways.  The normal process on these dating services is  for folks to exchange a few emails with each other, then arrange a personal meeting, normally in a local coffee shop.

Let me advise that some of the ladies I met in person were totally different to what I’d been expecting.  For example, instead of having a smooth complexion as shown on their profile photos, their skin sometimes showed blemishes or other signs of ageing and maybe a few wrinkles.  There's no problem with this, except their pictures weren't always up to date.

Other things were noticed also.  Upon meeting, some persons were surprisingly quite uncommunicative and hard to talk to, despite my having exchanged plenty of long, flowing emails with them previously, where communication skills had been excellent. It was sometimes like trying to communicate with a dead fish you'd just found lying on the beach.  Maybe someone else had written the emails for them, cleverly disguising the fact that the person I'd been speaking with was in fact a Russian or an Icelandic who knew no English!

 

Some of the ladies also were poorly dressed or otherwise didn’t portray themselves well.  I often wondered to myself why someone would go to a meeting with a prospective new partner, looking like she’d just crawled out of bed?  One lady even had body odour  - I didn’t know what to say to her, whether to advise or not that she please have a shower or take a bath!

Then other ladies did the opposite.  They’d arrive at the coffee shop dressed up as if they were ready for a night at the opera, wearing stylish high heels with a lot of make up and plenty of sparkling bling such as rings, necklaces and ear rings.  The problem being that such decorative displays didn’t impress me in the slightest  - au contraire, I prefer a simple, neat and natural look.

To my chagrin, the reverse scenario occurred also.  Instead of me not liking the ladies, sometimes it was quite obvious that they for whatever reason, didn’t like me.  They'd sit there and answer questions with one word answers, looking at their watches every twenty to thirty seconds, giving every appearance of being utterly bored.  This is all part of the dismaying and difficult dating process and needs to be expected unfortunately.  Taken on the chin, like a prize fighter in the boxing ring, being smashed with a hefty and unexpected uppercut.

 

I could recount many interesting if not downright amusing stories of meeting ladies through introduction services, but the main lesson to learn is this.

PEOPLE MUST MEET FACE TO FACE AND SHARE SOME TIME TOGETHER, BEFORE HAVING ANY TRUE IDEA WHETHER THEY’RE COMPATIBLE OR NOT.  PLEASE DON'T DELUDE YOURSELF THAT CHATTING ENDLESSLY ONLINE EVEN WITH WEBCAM, IS GOOD ENOUGH TO KNOW WHETHER ANY GENUINE ATTRACTION WILL EXIST BETWEEN YOU TWO WHEN FINALLY YOU MEET.

Given the above, it thus is important that folks here realize that one should never say, “I love you” to anyone over the internet, because how can anyone know for sure whether they’ll genuinely love the person when finally they're toe to toe, cheek to cheek?  Harsh reality in the bright light of day can be so unflattering, compared to blurry webcam pictures in a dimly lit room, after all. 

This applies to both men and women who haven’t yet met in person.   If a lady is told, “I love you” by a man  -  or a man is told, “I love you” by a lady  -  both statements should be viewed with a little suspicion.   Whenever someone says this to me over the internet (yes, it does happen occasionally!), I take the words to mean, “I like you a lot”.  

 

Because how on Earth can true love exist with someone you’ve never yet actually met?  The internet is simply a guide, an indicator  - and certainly shouldn’t be taken as a guarantee.  This is regardless of how many passionate prayers of piety you've made to God above, or how many fervent solicitations to the wispy angels of Light that you've earnestly incanted.

 

This in fact is a big, hungry bear trap that many fine men and women on internet dating sites have haplessly fallen into, year after year.  Guilelessly believing that because they’ve been told, “I love you” by someone over the net, that this “love” is necessarily bona fide or real.  Because maybe it is  - or sadly, maybe it's not?

Internet romance is akin to traversing a craftily constructed minefield.  Play it patiently with wisdom and not too many false hopes or scatter brained unrealistic dreams, so you can get across safely. 

 

If you take things for granted though or don't do your homework properly, then "Kaboom!", you'll be sitting there in the mud with a lot of rotten egg on your disappointed face, with tears streaming down like so much confusing, confounded, colourful, capricious confetti  (apologies for the mixed metaphors!).

Good luck to all my brothers and sisters here.

Part 2 to follow, "Your China Trip - Who To See Who?"

Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
Comments
(Showing 1 to 10 of 17) 1 2 More...
#2013-12-03 19:45:31 by anonymous8252 @anonymous8252

A play guy! Who are you you think? King of old China? No king anymore.

#2013-12-03 21:33:49 by fangfang5168 @fangfang5168

This is a small story, make people pessimistic maybe is only a small episode, I can only say: dear Sir, you didn't meet the right person, I'm sorry, it's not your fault, also is not her fault, this is "YUANFEN" are yet to come. You western called it "fate", we call it as "yuanfen" in China. Please don't lose heart, when you only focus on a woman, magic just happens, love is so simple, please believe it!

#2013-12-03 22:38:06 by paulfox1 @paulfox1

@Barry1
I have made my own thoughts here quite clear on the thread, but I certainly must concur that it is important that you meet face-to-face before making any kind of decision that may affect you (or her) for a long time to come

So now I will tell you a story -

A good friend of mine was using another site (not CLM......how DARE he - lol) and was constantly chatting to 2 women from the same town on a daily basis
Well, he would chat to one of them one day and the other the next day -and by this I mean on web-cam

I saw many screen shots of both women and in both cases he showed me some interesting e-mails that he had received from each of them
This was not an "indiscretion" by any standards because he would only show me snippets of their letters along with photos and screen shots

Lady number 1 was 33 years old (my friend is 47). She appeared to be very attractive, her English was perfect and judging by the e-mails he showed me (or snippets of e-mails), she was extremely well-educated and very clever

Lady number 2 was 36 years old and quite frankly was "drop-dead gorgeous"!
Again, she appeared to be well educated and my friend was obviously quite "taken" with her
But her English was not good at all (he speaks absolutely no Chinese)
I could easily see his "dilemma" - 2 lovely girls, both around the same age and both well educated - it was a really difficult decision for him to just choose ONE
So, as Barry says HE will do, my friend told both women that he was coming over and he would meet them both

Interestingly enough, lady #1 (33 years old who spoke excellent English) was fine with this plan and she welcomed the fact that he was going to see 2 women (I think she was quietly confident - lol)

But "drop-dead-gorgeous" number 2 was not happy about it at all and my friend was a little worried that she might dump him before the meeting

Although I said they both lived in the same city, if you have been to China then you will know that this really means nothing - they were still 3 hours apart by train and metro!

However, all went well and he met them both

The city's "logistics" meant that he would meet Miss "drop-dead-gorgeous" first. He had planned 5 days together with her but after 2 days he said he could take no more
In HIS WORDS.....

1) She looked like a pig.
2) She was fat, ugly, boring and had no sense of humour
3) She was 36 but behaved like a 12-year old
4) She never wanted to go out anywhere, only stay in the hotel room and watch Chinese TV programs (that he could not understand)

So he went to meet number 2 (earlier than planned) and he had arranged 4 days with her

His words.....

"Her face looked plastic. It was not just make up or cosmetics, her skin was just "plastic-looking. She was 33 but looked 45. God knows what she would look like in 10 years time - I had no physical attraction to her whatsoever, and all she could talk about was some bloke she was chatting to, but had yet to meet, from New Zealand who had invited her over for Christmas (which at the time was some 10 months away)

Again, after 2 days he had simply had enough. A 'wasted trip' (in his words)

Apparently there is something on an Apple I-Phone which allows you to make a "fake-call" - as if someone is calling you when in fact they are not - so he used this to make his escape by saying that an emergency had come up

He spent the rest of his time in China visiting the Great Wall and doing other sightseeing trips and although he still has not found "Miss Right", he changed his focus to Thai and Filipino ladies after becoming totally disillusioned with China

Who says "The Camera Never Lies" ??

If this story is not enough to REINFORCE what Barry is saying, then I do not know what is

Have fun !



#2013-12-04 07:48:40 by BalancedLife @BalancedLife

@Barry

Very nicely updated article. I think this is a must-read for all Chinese damsels and all Western knights.

Nice intro picture as well.

#2013-12-04 13:35:09 by Joshua75 @Joshua75

This has been something on my mind quite a bit of late. I don't think there is anything wrong with having multiple prospects for a visit, in truth it is wise. I just can't get past the emotional energy it takes to get to know multiple people so well that I would want to cross the ocean to meet them. On the other hand I would hate to have to deal with what your friend dealt with. hmmm... food for thought I reckon.

#2013-12-04 16:21:27 by 99moonriver @99moonriver

Signpost for Internet Romance:

1, When someone says "I LOVE U".........
Take it as " I like u."

2, When someone always refuses to use webcam...
Leave.

3, When someone asks u for money.......
Leave.

4, When someone asks u to watch him naked.........
Say to him:" It is so ugly n too small. " n then leave.

5, When someone never chat with u on Saturday, Sunday, Festivals.........
Ok, he has already had girlfriends or wife. Leave.

6, When someone says: "I will marry u" while u two never meet in person before........

He might be a sweet-mouth playboy, be careful.

7, When someone says he wants to meet several potential women in a trip.......

OK, he is honest n sincere.

-------------------------------------------

Internet romance is a sleeping princess, we need to walk through the long dark mysterious forest.

Don't worry, the more mistake u have made, the more thorn u have cut down, the closer u have approached to ur princess.

Keep hope. Take time. Be patient.

U r on the course to the happiness.

#2013-12-05 08:09:19 by pooskamao @pooskamao

Dating of any sort is difficult! Long distance dating is perilous! Thus, unless you have done your due diligence (a detailed exhange of photos or webcam) you can expect if you travel to China to meet only one lady...you have a 99% chance of failure! If you meet two...you have a 95% chance of failure. If you meet three you have an 80% and if you meet four you have a 75% chance. If you meet five or more you might meet someone of interest. Chinese ladies by nature do not like a man who "shops around", but in all fairness, meeting a lady who has posted a picture of the 35 year old hottie next door, or has a "glamor shot" taken six years ago, full well expecting a foreign man to fall in love with the "person" who meets him at the airport, you deserve what you get, and that is a very short meeting!

#2013-12-05 10:06:40 by Barry1 @Barry1

@anonymous8252 .

"A play guy! Who are you think? King of old China?"

Well, I must admit this is a curious comment. In answer to it however, let me say that no, I'm not a play guy. And no, I don't think that I'm the king of old China. In fact, I'm not the king of NEW China either.

Whoever you are, good luck to you.

@fangfang5168

"you didn't meet the right person, I'm sorry, it's not your fault, also is not her fault, this is "YUANFEN" are yet to come. You western called it "fate", we call it as "yuanfen" in China. Please don't lose heart"

Hello fangfang. You sound like a lovely and very smart lady. I will think carefully about your advice and heed it well, thank you for your kindness in offering it.

@paulfox1

Thanks for this entertaining story, Paul.

I must concur with what you say. Often when I'm chatting to someone using webcam, the room lights at their place are turned down so I don't really have a good idea of what they truly look like. Sometimes I've gone to the extent of asking the lady that she please turn on some more lights, so I can see her better.

It's curious also that some people are inherently photogenic. That is, through a camera, for whatever reason, they always look good. Yet other people (like me) tend to look very ordinary.

The bonus of this however is that when I finally meet someone, the comment generally is, "Oh, you look better in real life!"

I guess that at the end of the day, this is better than a photogenic person who looks great on camera, but maybe when he or she meets someone face to face, the comment may be,

"Oh, you don't look quite as good as you do on camera!"

Funny stuff, if you think about it.

@BalancedLife

"this is a must-read for all Chinese damsels and all Western knights."

Thanks for this, mate. I do believe that my two "Your China Trip" articles will probably be the most important and relevant ones that I'll ever have published on this website. Even if I write nothing further, my work here is done.

@Joshua75

"I just can't get past the emotional energy it takes to get to know multiple people"

I feel exactly the same way as you do, Josh. I'm finding it drains me emotionally, talking to multiple people in any great depth. This whole exercise in fact is hard work, trying to find a compatible partner. So many dry gullies and sandy creek beds to traverse, so many highs and lows are encountered - before finally stumbling upon that oasis in the desert - the lady of your dreams - that you've been tirelessly searching for, for so long.

@99moonriver

Thank you for your seven signposts for internet romance, Susanna. As usual, you've shown yourself to be a thinking, intelligent type of lady.

"the more mistake u have made, the more thorn u have cut down, the closer u have approached to ur princess."

Yes indeed, if one can cull out the chirping frogs and the dimpled toads along the way, the beautiful princess will surely be found, sooner or later.... hallelujah indeed!

#2013-12-05 22:07:52 by sandy339 @sandy339

@99moonriver
I like your comments so much good luck to you:-)

#2013-12-05 22:25:43 by anonymous8277 @anonymous8277

Well, seems we shall get some experience from the guys, shall talk to different guys at same time, and meet them in one trip.

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