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我出世在一个美丽的国家,经历了动荡的时代和历史的变迁,终于回到了祖国。当岁月积淀女人的智慧与理性,我终于剥下华丽与虚荣,学会积累生活和人生的体悟,我在这里与大家分享生活的心灵感悟,感悟人生的真谛。I was born in a beautiful country, Vietnam, and lived through the turbulent era and the history of changes, then finally returned to the Mother China. With years of accumulated wisdom and feminine rationality,I finally peeled off the gorgeous and vanity. I am here to share with you inspiration, love, hope and thankfulness and their role in understanding the depth and true meaning of life.
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You Are the Legend of My Life - 你是我今生的传奇    

By Xin73
398 Views | 6 Comments | 7/13/2020 12:19:13 PM

Short But Beautiful Time Together

I haven't logged in CLM for years, and I've been trying to write something. I wish to speak but stop on a second thought. This time I am here to write an article about the love I found here. Let's condense the eight years of dribs and drabs into one article. And so everyone will get a general understanding of my unexpected predestined relationship here.



I have always believed that there is a kind of encounter in the world, which is not on the road, but in the heart. I use the pen of time to write the most beautiful meeting in the heart, and I use the years as the paper to treasure the fragrance of my first encounter along the way. Turning over the old calendar, it was December 30, 2012. I had planned to delete my member profile and leave CLM if I did not meet the person I wanted before December 31.



Sometimes fate is really wonderful, it makes you frustrated one moment and surprised the next. All of this happened inadvertently. That afternoon, I casually opened the CLM platform which sends me an email notification of new members. There were a few new members and I took a fancy to him at first sight. He was a paying member. Then I took the initiative to send him a message, I didn't care much if he replied. Surprisingly, he quickly replied and left me his email address. From the next day we began to communicate by writing emails.



His appearance filled in all my losses. With our daily mail exchanged, we spoke out freely. Sometimes I would reply to him immediately when I received his mail even in the midnight. We got to know each other better. Gradually, I became emotionally dependent on him. He said he would return to China soon because he had just returned to the UK on a business trip while he registered as a CLM member. We planned the day we would meet, and I devoted all my feelings to him. Maybe I was indulging in love, which inspired me to write down my touch and feelings for him. The first blog ("A wisp of love"), which was the beginning of the enlightenment of my feelings for him.



In the eyes of others, long-distance love is so unrealistic to say nothing of foreign love. I think age and distance do not matter, and love has nothing to do with personal wealth. I believe that it's enough as long as we are together. But what a luxury it is for an exotic lover to meet. I endure the yearning, pressure and loneliness. Whenever I'm alone, I wonder if he is holding on to such fragile love as I am? People who are not in long-distance love can't feel this feeling, it also requires great courage to hold on. It's a kind of courage that dares to challenge the reality. The reality is a powerful and intangible force, and it's impossible to predict what will happen. For the sake of love, I can take courage to compete with this force, but also can take courage to accept the result of failure.



I naively think that we will all stand the test of time and space. Geographical distance is not a problem, but the distance of heart is a sharp weapon. As time goes by, we keep an email every day until four months later. That day, he sent an email to tell me that he was going to meet a woman on the weekend. He said that he didn't want to keep writing every day for such a long time and he didn't want to hide anything from me. He said that in order to be fair to the woman, he decided to give her a chance to meet her. After I read that letter, I felt that all of me had been emptied and my mind was blank. I think of the words of warm love in the letters that we used to have, and was everything false? Suddenly, I came down to earth, and it turned out that love was so fragile. Love can withstand wind and rain, but cannot stand ordinary. I suppressed my sadness and pretended to be indifferent to reply him that he had the right to choose the woman he liked, and I wished him happiness. I had been naive to think that he only contacted with me. I should be clear to know that since he can come here to look for a relationship, he can't just know me. People come and go here, and the beauties like clouds, who knows how many women will he contact here?



At that time, I was extremely confused. The sound of heartbreak and the loneliness in tears. Every midnight made me sleepless. I quietly guarded the heart of that attachment and longing. At that lonely sleepless night, I devoted all my emotions to write a sad poem for him again ("Tonight"). I had once written the poem for him to appreciate that we had met in my most beautiful years. However, all sorts of despair about life made me have another idea, which is to die in the most beautiful years. I was scared that I had such a suicidal idea. What happened to me who had always been strong? I was asking myself. Then, I had a deep and profound conversation with myself. If I was devastated just because I lost my love, then life will be even more challenging. Is it just because of the one-time's love blow that I can't live anymore? I told myself that I had to get out of my low-spirited.



A few months later, I couldn't help to write an email for greeting him. He quickly replied me and told me about his life in recent months. Gradually, we returned to the state of our first acquaintance, and the feelings were rising that relived our passion again. There is nothing in the world that touch our heart easily but one thing, which is love without reason. His plans to come to China had failed many times, and I had been used to the disappointment after every surprise. My expectation of his coming to China has become indifferent. Relatives and friends also advised me not to wait for him, and said that if he really loves me, he would have come to China to meet me already. They often persuade me to find another man to marry. I know that fate can be met, but not forced. I won't go to a man casually just because I feel empty or lonely. Love, it is not to find one because of lacking, and not to mention to change because of tiredness. For love, I always listen to my heart and my feel. My feelings for him at first sight as if the spilling water can't be gathered up.



Year after year, we kept in touch in the commonplace. Until 2016-2019, Because of an accident, I had to stop contacting him for more than two years. He had left me a message before my accident, but I was not able to reply to him, for which I felt bitter about it. Fortunately, I found his email address in February 2019, and I wrote a letter to him to let him know my encounter in the past two years. I also left him my new phone number. My email may surprise him that he replied me immediately and added my WeChat. He told me that he would come to China in June 2019 because of work needs. The itinerary had been arranged and the air tickets had been booked. We had known each other for seven years, and the time when we want to meet was finally settled.



I counted the days, and I cannot wait to see each other. I deeply understood how those waiting days were suffering. Full of expectation but afraid to wait. My crazy thoughts liked grass on the field, growing and spreading; the lonely moments liked monsters that will devour me. Looking back on the seven years, it felt like a flash of time. Although it was still four months before we meet, it made me feel so long.



I once thought that the sweetest thing in life is to be met, and I did not realize until we had met that in fact, the most touching thing is to meet again. June 26, 2019 is a memorable day in my life. The moment of meeting at the airport and the long-awaited hug, which release so many years of missing.



We only had seven days together since he had business to meet clients. After all, I took him to my home to meet my family, and I arranged our trip to Guilin. Seven days passed quickly. Every minute we spent together was so precious. How I wanted time to freeze in that moment! In the seven momentary days, I looked very happy, in fact, I hid my sadness. As after this farewell, we do not know when to meet again. Watching him enter the security check and his receding figure, my tears finally slipped. When tears came down, I know that parting was another way to understand.



During the few days we were together, he told me that he would see me again in China in September and takes me to Bali. As a result, he didn't keep his promises because he was hectic with his work also because of the coronavirus. He said he would reschedule his trip to China, but failed again and again. This year's epidemic has made us look forward to seeing each other again, but it has become hopeless remote. Every time I missed him intensely, I'll leave a message to him, the words seemed to be happy. However, across the phone screen, I was already in tears. He will never know my loneliness, vulnerability and helplessness as I would always keep a pleasant chat with him.



All my relatives and friends think that when I meet him, we should have thought about getting married. After all, we are not young. How many more seven years of one's life can be wasted? I really don't know what he thinks about marriage, and I'm embarrassed to ask him. This love makes me feel very passive. For a relationship, it's not enough for two people to love each other. It also needs a business strategy, rather than a person prop up. Love is like marriage that needs to be managed. But I don't want to force him. God has given me too many tests in my life, and I don't have too many requirements. I just want to reorganize a family and grow old with the man I love. But why is it so difficult?!



What worries me the most is that our love will eventually be defeated by time and distance. If loving a person too long, it will be exhausting. Moreover, it will be disappointing if waiting too long. Sometimes, I really want to give up, and it's not a sudden idea, but a long accumulation of disappointment and helplessness. It's not that I don't love him, but just I really love him that makes me feel too tired.



Sometimes I can't understand myself. What makes me so persistent about the feelings for him? Why do I keep the same feelings for a man of different races and cultures for so many years? As the emotional philosophy says, love does not distinguish skin color, national boundaries and age, love is no reason to say. I haven't written anything for any man in my life. For him, I wrote a blog record of my feelings with no regrets.



Lastly, to all CLM members: The rest of your lives are precious. May all your deep feeling be lived up to and all your expectations come as scheduled. All shall be well, Jack shall have Jill!



几年没登录CLM了,一直想写点什么但落笔之际欲言又止。这次来了写一篇关于我在这里结下的情缘。八年的点滴浓缩成一篇吧。让大家对我在这里邂逅的情缘有个大概了解。



一直相信,人世间有一种相遇不是在路上,而是在心上,我用时光之笔将最美的遇见写在心间,我用岁月做笺,将初遇的芬芳一路珍藏。翻开旧日历,那是2012年12月30日,我本来打算在12月31日之前如果没有遇见我想要的人,我将删除我的会员资料离开CLM。



有时缘份的东西真的非常奇妙,它会让你上一秒沮丧,下一秒让你惊喜。这一切都是在不经意间发生。那天下午,我漫不经心打开CLM平台发送有新会员加入的邮件通知。当时有几个新加入的会员,我第一眼就看中他,他是付费会员。然后我主动给他发一个信息,并没有在乎他是否会回复我。但没过一回儿他给我回复并且留下邮件地址。从第二天开始我们就以书写邮件的方式进行交流。



他的出现填补了我所有失落,随着我们一天天的邮件来往,我们畅所欲言,有时半夜接到他的邮件,我都会立马回复他。彼此之间有了更多的了解。逐渐地在感情上对他产生了依赖。他说他会很快再来中国,因为在他注册成CLM会员时刚从中国出差回到英国。我们计划着见面的日子,我把所有的感情倾注在他身上,也许沉溺在爱河中,那段时间内心充满了喜悦,激发着我的灵感并写下对他感情的触动,那一篇博客(一缕情丝)是我对他感情的启蒙篇。



在别人看来,异地恋那么的不现实,更何况是异国恋。我觉得,真正相爱的两个人,年龄不是问题,距离不是问题,无关经济好坏,只要在一起,就够了。但异国恋能让两个人能见一面是多奢侈的事情。我忍受着思念,忍受着压力,忍受着寂寞。每当一个人静静的时候,我会想他是否和我一样在坚守着如此脆弱的爱情?不是异地恋的人是无法体会这种感受,这是需要多大的勇气,一种敢于挑战现实的勇气,现实是一股强大而又无形的力量,无法预计将要发生的情况。为了爱,我可以拿出勇气来与这股力量抗衡,也可以拿出勇气来接受失败的结果。



我天真的认为我们都会经得起时空的考验,地理上的距离不是难题,心的距离才是利器。时间分分秒秒的过去,我们保持着每天一封邮件直至四个月后。那天他发送一封邮件告诉我在这周末要去和一个女人见面,他说他不想再这样长期保持每天写信了并且不想隐瞒我什么,他说为了对那女人的公平,他决定给她一个机会去见她。我阅读完那封信后,感觉整个人被抽空了一样,头脑一片空白,想到我们曾经书信中那些温馨爱意的话语,难道一切都是假的吗?一霎间忽然醒悟,感情原来是这么脆弱的,经得起风雨,却经不起平凡。我忍住内心的悲伤假装无所谓的回复他,说他有权利选择他喜欢的女人并且祝福他幸福。我一直天真的认为他只有和我一人联系,我真的太幼稚了。我应该要知道,他既然能来到交友网,不可能只认识我一个。这里人来人往,美女如云,谁知道他在这里会联系多少个女人呢?



那段时间我极度失落,那种心碎的声音,那种涓然泪下的孤单,每次深夜,总是难以入眠。我静静地厮守着心底的那份眷恋和想念。在那寂寥无眠之夜我再次为他写下了(今夜),倾注我所有感情写下伤感的诗篇。曾经为他写过,感谢在最美丽的年华遇见了他。但此刻对人生的各种绝望让我想了结此生,产生另外一个想法就是在最美丽的年华死去。我为自己有这种轻生的想法感到害怕,一向坚强的我怎么了?我在自问。然后与自己来一场内心深度的对话。若因为失恋而感到痛苦,那生活给我的挑战会有更多,难道仅仅因为这一次恋爱中的打击,就不能再好好生活了吗?我要从抑郁消沉中走出来。



几个月后,我忍不住主动给他写了邮件问候,很快他回复我,告诉我他最近这几个月的生活情况,渐渐地我们又回到初相识时的状态,感情日渐回升再次重温我们的激情。这个世界上最容易感动我们的,莫过于不需要理由的爱了。他无数次来中国的计划结果一次次落空,而我已经习惯了每次惊喜后的失望。我对他来中国的期望已经变得无动于衷了。亲戚朋友也劝我说不要再等他,如果他真心爱我早就来中国与我人会面。他们常劝我另找一个男人结婚。我明白感情可遇不可求,我不会因为感到空虚或寂寞时随便去找一个男人。爱,绝不是因为缺了就找,更不是累了就换。对于感情,我总是听从自己的内心和感觉。对他一见如故的感情也许是覆水难收。



年复一年我们在平淡无奇中保持着联系。直到2016~2019年,因为发生意外的事,我不得不与他停止两年多的联系。在发生意外之前,他给我的留言我来不及回复他,为此事我耿耿于怀。在2019年2月我找到他的邮件地址,给他写了一封信,告诉他这两年我的际遇,并给他留下我的电话号码。我的邮件也许让他感到意外,他立即回复我并加了我的微信。他告诉我因为工作需要,他在2019年6月要来中国,行程已经安排好,机票也已经预订好。相识七年,朝朝暮暮想见面的时刻终于有了落定。



数着指头等待见面的日子。我深受体会那些等待的日子是何等备受煎熬,充满期待却又害怕继续等待,发疯一样的思念像原野上的青草,不断生长、四处蔓延,寂寞时刻会像怪兽一样吞噬自己。回望七年时间感觉只是弹指一挥间,但距离相见的日子只仅有四个月,却让我觉得如此漫长。



曾经以为,人生最美好的是相遇,直到我们相见才明白,其实最动人的是重逢。2019年6月26日是我这一生值得纪念的日子。在机场相见的刹那,久候的拥抱,释放这么多年来的思念。



由于他来中国工作的原因,我们只有在一起七天时间。我带他到我家与家人见面后,我安排了我们的旅行去了桂林。七天时间飞快过去了,我们在一起的每分每秒是如此珍贵,我多想时间凝固在那一刻。我们相处一起的七天,我外表看起来非常开心,但其实隐藏内心的伤感。因为想到这一别我们不知道何时再相见。看着他进入安检离去的背影,我的眼泪终于滑落。当眼泪流下来,才知道,离别也是另一种明白。



我们在一起的那几天,他告诉我九月他会再次来中国见我然后带我去巴厘岛。结果他没有如约,原因是说他太多工作。他说要另外计划来中国的时间,但又是一次次落空。今年这场疫情,使我们期盼着再次见面而变得遥遥无期。每当强烈想念他并给他留言时,表面的文字是欢快的,而隔着手机屏幕的我早已泪流满面,他永远不知道我内心的孤寂,脆弱和无奈。但每次我都会保持着与他愉快的聊天。



所有的亲戚朋友都以为我和他见面后,我们都该会考虑结婚的事。毕竟我们年龄已经不小了,人生能有几个七年去等待?说实在我真不知道他对婚姻有什么想法,我也不好意思去追问他。这场爱让我觉得自己非常被动,一段感情,只有两个人彼此相爱还是远远不够的,还需要有经营策略,而不是一个人去支撑。爱情和婚姻一样,也是需要经营的。但我不想去勉强他什么。上天给我的人生太多的考验,我没有太多的要求,我只想重组一个家庭,只想与我爱的男人一起慢慢变老,但为何如此之难?!



我最担心我们的爱最终会输给时间,败给距离。爱一个人,爱得太久,会累,等待一个人,等得太久了,会失望。其实,有时我想放弃了,不是突如其来的想法,而是长久积累的失望和无助。不是不爱他,而是深爱让我觉得太累了。



有时我对自己也无法理解,是什么原因让我对他的感情如此执着?为什么会对一个不同种族和文化的男人保持这么多年的感情不变?正如感情哲理上所说的,爱情不分肤色,国界和年龄,爱情是没有理由可说的。这一生,我没有为任何男人写过什么。为他,我写下了博客,无怨无悔。



最后,写给CLM所有会员:余生很贵,愿你们所有深情都不被辜负和所有的期望都如期而至。愿你们有情人终成眷属!


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Comments
(Showing 1 to 6 of 6) 1
#2020-07-13 12:18:58 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

Xin73, this is a stunning blog. Your patience in allowing this relationship to take so long to reach a time of meeting really astounds me! I don't mean that in a negative way nor in a positive way. I don't know if it is good or bad.

But I do know that it is extremely rare for anyone to be so patient. Frankly, it is especially unusual for a Chinese woman. Most Chinese women, due to the social and familial pressures to get married and have a child NOW, are putting on the pressure to get married within weeks of meeting a potential mate online.

By the second chat they are pushing the man hard to get his butt over to China so they can meet and start planning the wedding. I am not exagerating.

Your man should be extremely thankful for your incredible patience.  I hope he realizes what a special woman he has and acts to earn your loyalty before he is too late. I really admire your loyalty to your love of this man.

I am sure I will have more questions coming to me over time, but for the moment I have just these.

Do you feel you owe him this loyalty or is it more that you just aren't interested in anybody else because of your feelings for him?

Have you ever thought of maybe meeting other potential partners while waiting for this man to finally commit to a permanent life together?  

This is an amazing blog Xin73. I am so glad that you gave this gift to us. I feel that it took great courage on your part to do so and I hope you are rewarded for that courage by greater understanding of your own feelings through the very process of writing about it. 

Thank you, John

#2020-07-13 13:06:56 by melcyan @melcyan

@Xin73

Great blog! I love the way you share your thoughts.

#2020-07-14 20:12:05 by newbeginning @newbeginning

@Xin73, thank you for your incredible story. You are a deep human being. If he does/didn't not know about your heartache he does now....

Question for you: if he had asked you to get married while he was with you in China, would you have done so after being with him in person for only 7 days? Afterall we all know online is different than knowing someone in person.

 

NB

#2020-07-20 12:21:05 by xin73 @xin73

Xin73 has been having troubles logging into the blogs to reply to us. She contacted me (John) and asked if I would log in as her and post the following replies. Here they are:

@JohnAbbot

Hi John,thanks for your comment.I know this blog post will make many readers feel the same as you.Because it takes seven years to stick to a foreign love affair, many people can't do it.

Everyone's life background and ideas are different.Some people want to get married as soon as possible if they meet the right person after divorce, which is the inertia of most Chinese people.I never urge him to come to China, nor ask him embarrassing topics.I think he should know how to deal with emotional issues.

Yes, he was grateful for my incredible patience, he often said That I was a special woman and that no woman had more influence over him than I do.He is a smart and sensible person.And at the same time, he blamed and remorseful that he did not come to China to see me earlier.

I am a person who is very devoted to feelings. As long as I firmly believe the person, I will hardly change. Not that I must be loyal to him, but I think I put my feelings in him, and only true love will be loyal.Love is a very abstract thing.It is a feeling, a taste, a pure and beautiful reaction of body and mind beyond reality. It affects the whole body and mind, as well as the emotions of sadness and joy. Moreover, its power is so great that it is often beyond the control of reason or unreasonable.Only those who have experienced it know what I'm saying. Love is not measured and maintained by time or money, nor acquired for a certain purpose.For me, it's a especially spiritual food.

It's not that I'm not interested in other people, but I feel that I have been in a relationship with him, so don't be of two minds to find others. If I had to hide his association with other men, I really couldn't do it. If so, I would be ashamed of my behavior. Unless he says he doesn't love me anymore.Whether I can live with him for the rest of his life depends on him. This time, I will set a deadline for myself.

In writing this post, I just want to share my emotional experiences with all of you, and I sincerely wish everyone who meets true love a perfectly satisfactory ending.

@melcyan

Thank you for enjoying reading it.

@newbeginning

Thank you for your comment and enjoy reading it.

It's not because I wrote this post that he knew how I felt about him,he already knows everything. Maybe he has his own difficulties. We are able to maintain contact for so many years, which has a certain emotional basis. Although I never asked him to marry me, he knew my thoughts.We only met for 7 days, but we got together like a couple who have been married for a long time. So if he asks me to marry him, I will agree.

If I just knew him for two months, and then we only met for seven days, he asked me to get married, and I would not agree. After we have communicated for at least half a year and met twice, I will consider whether to marry him.

#2020-07-21 12:08:28 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

@xin73 - thanks for your thoughtful response. Your description of how you feel about your love for your man takes me back to what I was already thinking about the way you love him with such patience and such satisfaction with the status of your relationship.

I mentioned in my first comment to this blog that "I really admire your loyalty to your love of this man" and I meant exactly what I said. What I see in your blog and in your comment to me is not so much a loyalty to the man that you love but a loyalty to your love of the man. You are not being faithful to him. You are being faithful to the love you feel for him.

And I really do admire you for being faithful to your love. That love obviously has great meaning to you and provides much value for you. That love must provide an ongoing blanket of warmth and security. So long as you are feeling that love you will feel secure because with that love in your heart what, in day to day living, can possibly harm you. That love is your shield against all the day to day hardships, disappointments, insults or arrows.

So, of course, you are patient with the man you give that love to. Of course you will not betray his trust in you because that would bring the death of the very love that gives you such great comfort.

It is no small thing to be faithful to love. I have on several occasions involving several relationships failed to be faithful to my love of someone. Looking back on it now, through new eyes that are aided by your experience that you've described, I can clearly see how much I lost (or threw away) by not being true to my love.

So I can't help but admire you for your strength and your wisdom in being loyal to your love. I wish you all the best going forward in this relationship that has offered you the gift of love.

#2020-08-03 13:52:56 by Map1 @Map1

As my now wife that I met here on CLM told me, "good things are worth waiting for." We were supposed to meet for the first time in the fall of 2014 in her place of work and residence. But her university was insisting that she go to the US as a visiting scholar. I even tried helping her to get a position at a major university in the south and my city of residence where I'd taught as an adjunct-faculty member. I had guanxi with the Vice-Provost who was also a visiting scholar at the Beijing University of Culture. How I established  a relationship with this university official is a long story that I may write about in a future blog. She was able to go to a small college in AR for a semester. I had to remain in the PRC and study Mandarin at my organization's language program in the north. So I remember I was at the city airport ready to fly to Thailand for my group's annual conference. She called me on my cell to tell me her plane was about to leave Shanghai for the States. We continued to date via Skype and go through a great book, "Devotions for Dating Couples."

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