Chinese Women, Asian Women, Online Dating & Things Chinese and Asian
Lily, originally from Sichuan province (home of spicy food), has lived in Zhejiang province since 2007. She has over 10 years of work experience in international companies in Shenzhen, using English daily; thus having a relatively good command of English. An honest, caring, communicative, appreciative and positive person, Lily enjoys reading, thinking, learning, listening music, nature & dogs. Continuous learning and self-improvement is her life-time goal. She will blog about: keeping a positive outlook on people, things and life; the importance of maintaining good-balance in all aspects of life; Know yourself and what you want before searching for and finding the one most suitable for you. Lily hopes to share her knowledge with others while also learning from them.
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Why You Always Attract the Wrong Person 为什么你总吸引不对的人    

By Lily
2111 Views | 4 Comments | 11/5/2016 3:19:28 AM

Have you been feeling confused why you always attract wrong person even if you think you are a very good person? Actually we can see many of such matching around us. Externally, one kind and capable person often marry with someone who is not so considerate or even a little cold-hearted instead. As mentioned in the physics book, the different electronic charges inter attract each other, it also suits for human being. They are just like a combination from the both extremes.

Then what did originally attract them to be together from both extreme ends? It is something hidden in their sub-consciousness like their self-definition, beliefs, self-value and other similar thoughts. There is some kind of complementary lack or neediness in both sub-consciousness and that makes them attract each other. Thoughts in one's sub-consciousness directly manage or control one's thinking, response and behaviors. 

When one is an over-devoted person and she/he normally attracts a comparatively lazy, irresponsible and un-mature or un-considerate person; When one is a low-esteem and low self-value person, she/he normally attracts an arrogant, stubborn and uncooperative person; When one thinks she/he is unworthy for good people or things, she/he normally potentially doesn't or even doesn't know how to love herself/himself, then she/he normally attracts the person who doesn't love and treat her/him well. 


When there are low self-definition, esteem, self-value and unworthiness for goodness in one's sub-consciousness, she/he normally has the following relevant behaviors to be accordance with or support thoughts inside their sub-consciousness:- 


She/he normally is an over-devoted person so that they are busy most of time, takes lots of responsibilities including ones of others and has an unclear psychological boundary with others; She/he often unconsciously invades others' psychological boundary and allows others to freely invade her/his own one as well. 


She/he takes others' affirmation as their biggest or whole self-value and then normally longs for and is very sensitive about response or affirmation from others. In case no response was received from others, She/he will feel anxious, upset and doubt on her/his abilities or if have done something wrong or not. In case a negative response was received from others, they even will think they are a bad person or a loser. 


She/he normally cares about more others' feeling, behaviors or response than their own as they want to know if she/he has done thing correct or well enough or not. 


She/he normally is a perfectionist and always think they have not done well enough especially when can't receive affirmation or positive response from others as they take this as their own fault or failure in the relationship. 


She/he tries to behave perfectly and seldom say "no" or refuses others or their requests even if when she/he feels uncomfortable or hard with herself/himself. As she/he takes refusal is an un-respectful or hurtful behavior for others.


She/he normally makes concession, compromise or decision more from standpoints of others and less consideration on herself/himself. This is why she/he easily makes a wrong choice or decision for herself/himself. 


She/he normally is a good temper, patient or endurable person and seldom freely loses temper in front of others only if the situation is beyond her/his limitation. When that happens, there normally is no return. 


She/he seldom or doesn't know how to properly ask for help or present their request as she/he takes this as un-considerate or narrow-minded for others. Obviously she/he overly cares about others' feeling but insufficiently on herself/himself. 


There may be more except those listed above. From them, we can see how one intends to care about others more than self and define her/him as according to others' words, response and behaviors. This could make one be further and further away from the true self, the right person and real happiness… 

At the same time, this also impresses the other that she/he is too good for others and always tries best to please others basing on her/his low esteem & self-value. Then the other will naturally belittle her/him and psychologically would not like or doesn't think it is necessary to be kind to, respect and treat her/him well. To stop the vicious circle's occurrence, she/he needs go inside, know about self on strong points and weaknesses and insist to be self. Distinguish responsibilities and psychological boundary between self and others, doesn't try to invade others' boundary and protect her/his one from being invaded by others as well. Try best to first give you affirmation such as say to you that I am already good enough, a valuable and worthy person. I know my values and they are defined by me instead of any other person. You can ask for help or present your request when face things or people, except through proper way. When you feel uncomfortable or be treated un-respectfully, you can express your feeling or refuse. 

These are nothing wrong with you. The one who truly cares about, loves and appreciates you will naturally take you as an important, valuable and respectable person and also would like to spend time or efforts on you and take you as a priority. No matter when, you are always your best friend, accompany and supporting for yourself. 

Then you need learn to care about, love, respect and treat yourself well first. Only you first achieved that, you can expect a same partner who does all those to you. Without feeling good and establishing a good relationship with yourself, you can't expect and maintain a good relationship with others. 


When one replaces thoughts in the sub-consciousness with she/he is a good, valuable and worthy person, there is no lack and neediness existed inside and then her/his attraction to the wrong person who has the lack and neediness inside is weaker and weaker until the right one show up someday.


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(Showing 1 to 4 of 4) 1
#2016-11-05 03:19:04 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

Lily, you've done a great job here of presenting, in another way, something that Melcyan has often expressed in comments and even in a guest blog. Put simply, in order to really love someone else, and be lovable to them you must first love yourself.

You have really done a good job of breaking it down into detail as to how to go about doing that. And you've said it with more of a focus on developing high self esteem, but that is really another, more psychology oriented way of saying "love yourself".

But I am so glad that you have taken the time to explain it not just in English but also in Chinese, because this is something that every member, both Western and Chinese, must understand if they hope to have a healthy, life long love.

Very nice blog. (clap)(y)(d)

#2016-11-05 11:57:21 by zqy2014 @zqy2014


Thanks for your help to post the article. Yes, I agree that before truly love someone else and be loved we must first love ourselves. However take it into action from words is not always so easily as speaking them out for some persons. It means a lot of work to do. It even needs take their whole life to try and spend great and contiunous efforts to accomplish. If they have achieved finally, that is really one of greatest things that they have done in their lives.This is why I wrote this article and thought it may be neccessary and worthy to share here. I wrote this article completely as according to my own understanding, experience and from my own standpoint. My understanding is the foundation is always the most important part that one needs to focus on and work on at.

#2016-11-29 10:10:47 by shpl01 @shpl01


#2016-12-03 18:09:04 by zqy2014 @zqy2014



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