Chinese Women, Asian Women, Online Dating & Things Chinese and Asian
Beautiful
Chinese
Women
of
CLM
Beautiful
Asian
Women
of
ALM
Lily, originally from Sichuan province (home of spicy food), has lived in Zhejiang province since 2007. She has over 10 years of work experience in international companies in Shenzhen, using English daily; thus having a relatively good command of English. An honest, caring, communicative, appreciative and positive person, Lily enjoys reading, thinking, learning, listening music, nature & dogs. Continuous learning and self-improvement is her life-time goal. She will blog about: keeping a positive outlook on people, things and life; the importance of maintaining good-balance in all aspects of life; Know yourself and what you want before searching for and finding the one most suitable for you. Lily hopes to share her knowledge with others while also learning from them.
Articles :
11
Views :
38706
Comments :
117
Create Time :
2014-07-09
This Blog's Articles
Index of Blogs
Index Blog Articles

Why You Always Attract the Wrong Person 为什么你总吸引不对的人    

By Lily
1671 Views | 4 Comments | 11/5/2016 3:19:28 AM

Have you been feeling confused why you always attract wrong person even if you think you are a very good person? Actually we can see many of such matching around us. Externally, one kind and capable person often marry with someone who is not so considerate or even a little cold-hearted instead. As mentioned in the physics book, the different electronic charges inter attract each other, it also suits for human being. They are just like a combination from the both extremes.

Then what did originally attract them to be together from both extreme ends? It is something hidden in their sub-consciousness like their self-definition, beliefs, self-value and other similar thoughts. There is some kind of complementary lack or neediness in both sub-consciousness and that makes them attract each other. Thoughts in one's sub-consciousness directly manage or control one's thinking, response and behaviors. 

When one is an over-devoted person and she/he normally attracts a comparatively lazy, irresponsible and un-mature or un-considerate person; When one is a low-esteem and low self-value person, she/he normally attracts an arrogant, stubborn and uncooperative person; When one thinks she/he is unworthy for good people or things, she/he normally potentially doesn't or even doesn't know how to love herself/himself, then she/he normally attracts the person who doesn't love and treat her/him well. 

你是否一直弄不明白为什么自己这么好的一个人却总是一再吸引不对的人?实际上这样的搭配在我们周围不占少数。一个在外人看来很善良和能干的人通常会嫁给(娶)一个不那么体贴甚至有一点冷漠的伴侣。正如我们中学物理书上所说,不同的正负两极会相互吸引,他们看起来就像是一个来自不同两极的结合体。那是什么让两人当初产生互相吸引而最终走到一起的呢?它就是隐藏在俩人潜意识里的比如自我定义、信念、价值感和其它类似的思想。因为彼此潜意识里有某种互补性的缺乏或是需求,所以让两人产生了相互的吸引。所有这些潜伏在每个人潜意识里的思想一直在管理或是控制着人的思维、反应及言行。一个过度奉献型的人,通常会吸引一个相对懒惰、缺乏责任感、不成熟或不够体贴的人;一个自卑、低自尊和低价值感的人,通常会吸引一个傲慢、固执和不易合作的人;当一个人认为自己不值得拥有好的人或是事物时,她/他通常潜意识里是不爱自己或者根本就不知道怎样去爱她/他自己,因此也通常会吸引到一个不爱她/他以及不能善待她/他的人。

When there are low self-definition, esteem, self-value and unworthiness for goodness in one's sub-consciousness, she/he normally has the following relevant behaviors to be accordance with or support thoughts inside their sub-consciousness:- 

当一个人的潜意识里有低的自我定义、低自尊、低价值和不值得拥有美好事物的这些思想时,她/他通常会有以下相应的言行,以便与其潜意识内容相符或支持其潜意识里的思想。 

She/he normally is an over-devoted person so that they are busy most of time, takes lots of responsibilities including ones of others and has an unclear psychological boundary with others; She/he often unconsciously invades others' psychological boundary and allows others to freely invade her/his own one as well. 

她/他通常是一个过度奉献型的人,绝大部分时间都很忙碌并且承担包含一部分他人的许多责任同时不能很好的分清自己与他人之间的个人心理边界。她/他通常会无意识地侵入他人的心理边界同时也允许他人随意入侵她/他自己的心理边界。 

She/he takes others' affirmation as their biggest or whole self-value and then normally longs for and is very sensitive about response or affirmation from others. In case no response was received from others, She/he will feel anxious, upset and doubt on her/his abilities or if have done something wrong or not. In case a negative response was received from others, they even will think they are a bad person or a loser. 

他们把别人的肯定当作是他们的最大或是全部的个人价值,因此他们通常对他人的反应和肯定非常敏感并渴望得到他人的肯定。当不能从他人那里收到任何反馈时,他们会感到焦虑、不安以及怀疑自己的能力或者是否有什么地方做得不妥;当别人给出的是反馈是负面的时,她/他甚至会认为自己是一个很差的人或失败者。 

She/he normally cares about more others' feeling, behaviors or response than their own as they want to know if she/he has done thing correct or well enough or not. 

相对他们自己的,他们通常更关注他人的感受、言行和反应,因为他们希望知道自己是否有把事情做对或是做得足够好; 

She/he normally is a perfectionist and always think they have not done well enough especially when can't receive affirmation or positive response from others as they take this as their own fault or failure in the relationship. 

她/他通常是一个完美主义者,总是认为自己做事做得不够好,尤其是在没有收到他人的正面反馈和肯定时,因为她/他把这些当成是自己的错误或是失败。 

She/he tries to behave perfectly and seldom say "no" or refuses others or their requests even if when she/he feels uncomfortable or hard with herself/himself. As she/he takes refusal is an un-respectful or hurtful behavior for others.

他们尽可能的把事情做得完美,即使他们感到不舒服或为难自己,也很少对他人说“不”或是拒绝他人或其要求。因为她/他把拒绝看作是对他人的一种不尊重和伤害性的行为; 

She/he normally makes concession, compromise or decision more from standpoints of others and less consideration on herself/himself. This is why she/he easily makes a wrong choice or decision for herself/himself. 

她/他通常从他人立场考虑做出让步、妥协或是决定而更少考虑过到自己的感受。这是为什么她/他很容易做出一个对于她/他自己来说是错误的选择或是决定。 

She/he normally is a good temper, patient or endurable person and seldom freely loses temper in front of others only if the situation is beyond her/his limitation. When that happens, there normally is no return. 

她/他通常是一个脾气好、有耐心和善忍耐的人,除非情况超出了她/他的忍耐极限,她/他很少轻易在他人面前发脾气。一旦发脾气,往往代表情况已经超出了她/他的忍耐极限,结果将没有任何挽回或是回旋的余地。 

She/he seldom or doesn't know how to properly ask for help or present their request as she/he takes this as un-considerate or narrow-minded for others. Obviously she/he overly cares about others' feeling but insufficiently on herself/himself. 

她/他很少或者根本不知道怎样向他人求助或是提出要求,因为他们认为这会让他人感到自己不够体贴或是心胸过于狭窄或是计较。很显然,她/他过度在乎他人的感受而不足够重视自己的感受。 

There may be more except those listed above. From them, we can see how one intends to care about others more than self and define her/him as according to others' words, response and behaviors. This could make one be further and further away from the true self, the right person and real happiness… 

At the same time, this also impresses the other that she/he is too good for others and always tries best to please others basing on her/his low esteem & self-value. Then the other will naturally belittle her/him and psychologically would not like or doesn't think it is necessary to be kind to, respect and treat her/him well. To stop the vicious circle's occurrence, she/he needs go inside, know about self on strong points and weaknesses and insist to be self. Distinguish responsibilities and psychological boundary between self and others, doesn't try to invade others' boundary and protect her/his one from being invaded by others as well. Try best to first give you affirmation such as say to you that I am already good enough, a valuable and worthy person. I know my values and they are defined by me instead of any other person. You can ask for help or present your request when face things or people, except through proper way. When you feel uncomfortable or be treated un-respectfully, you can express your feeling or refuse. 

These are nothing wrong with you. The one who truly cares about, loves and appreciates you will naturally take you as an important, valuable and respectable person and also would like to spend time or efforts on you and take you as a priority. No matter when, you are always your best friend, accompany and supporting for yourself. 

Then you need learn to care about, love, respect and treat yourself well first. Only you first achieved that, you can expect a same partner who does all those to you. Without feeling good and establishing a good relationship with yourself, you can't expect and maintain a good relationship with others. 

除上面所述,可能还有更多其它的一些表现。通过以上,我们可以看到一个人是怎样关注他人胜过自己并根据他人的反馈及言行来定义自己。这样的行为导致一个人离他/她真实的自己,对的那个人以及真正的幸福越来越远…从另外一方面来看,当她/他这样的做的时候会给对方一种印象:她/他对他人太好以及基于其低自尊和低价值基础上总是尽可能地取悦他人。因而导致对方自然地看轻她/他,心理上不愿意或不认为有必要对她/他好、尊重和善待她/他。为了阻止恶性循环的发生,她/他需要向内看,更多地了解自己包括强项和弱点并且坚持做自己。区分自己和他人的责任以及心理边界,不入侵他人的心理边界同时也保护好自己的心理边界不受他人入侵。尽可能地首先自我肯定,比如可以对自己说:“我已经足够好,我是一个有价值和值得拥有美好事物的人;我知道我的价值,我的价值是由我而不是任何他人来定义的。”你可以向他人求助或是提出你的要求,只要注意使用恰当的方式即可;当你感到不舒服或是没有被尊重对待时,你可以表达你的感受或是拒绝,你这样做没有任何问题。一个真正在乎你、爱你和欣赏你的人会很自然地把你视作一个对他来说重要的、有价值和值得尊重的人,也愿意为你花时间、心思和努力并把你作为优先考虑。无论何时,你总是自己最好的朋友、陪伴和支持。因此你需要首先学会关爱、尊重并善待自己。只有你首先做到这些,你才能找到一个同样关爱、尊重和善待你的伴侣。自我感觉不好以及不能和自己建立良好关系,你也不能期望和别人有良好的关系以及维护好此关系。

When one replaces thoughts in the sub-consciousness with she/he is a good, valuable and worthy person, there is no lack and neediness existed inside and then her/his attraction to the wrong person who has the lack and neediness inside is weaker and weaker until the right one show up someday.

当一个人将潜意识的思想更新成自己是一个好的,有价值和值得拥有美好事物的人后,内在不再有缺乏和依赖外在弥补的需求,这样她/他对同样有内在匮乏和依赖外在弥补需求的不对的人的吸引力就会越来越小,直到有一天对的那个人出现。


Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
Comments
(Showing 1 to 4 of 4) 1
#2016-11-05 03:19:04 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

Lily, you've done a great job here of presenting, in another way, something that Melcyan has often expressed in comments and even in a guest blog. Put simply, in order to really love someone else, and be lovable to them you must first love yourself.

You have really done a good job of breaking it down into detail as to how to go about doing that. And you've said it with more of a focus on developing high self esteem, but that is really another, more psychology oriented way of saying "love yourself".

But I am so glad that you have taken the time to explain it not just in English but also in Chinese, because this is something that every member, both Western and Chinese, must understand if they hope to have a healthy, life long love.

Very nice blog. (clap)(y)(d)

#2016-11-05 11:57:21 by zqy2014 @zqy2014

@JohnAbbot

Thanks for your help to post the article. Yes, I agree that before truly love someone else and be loved we must first love ourselves. However take it into action from words is not always so easily as speaking them out for some persons. It means a lot of work to do. It even needs take their whole life to try and spend great and contiunous efforts to accomplish. If they have achieved finally, that is really one of greatest things that they have done in their lives.This is why I wrote this article and thought it may be neccessary and worthy to share here. I wrote this article completely as according to my own understanding, experience and from my own standpoint. My understanding is the foundation is always the most important part that one needs to focus on and work on at.

#2016-11-29 10:10:47 by shpl01 @shpl01

您这篇文章写的真好,感谢您的分享:)(f)

#2016-12-03 18:09:04 by zqy2014 @zqy2014

@shpl01

多谢肯定!

Comments
(Showing 1 to 4 of 4) 1
Comment
To respond to another member's comment type @ followed by their name before your comment, like this: @username Then leave a space. Ask Lily a Question : Click here...