Chinese Women, Asian Women, Online Dating & Things Chinese and Asian
A native Texan, Gongji has traveled extensively in the US, living mostly in the South and Western states. Now he resides once again in Texas. Having keen senses and curiosity for all things “unusual” (beyond the surface) he searches for ways to communicate the beauty and wonder of creation to others. With substantial life experience in many fields, he joins CLM in hopes that through mutual sharing of experiences, insight into our individual lives may be gleaned, allowing greater growth. Come, let us share. Come, let us share.
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Why We Don't All Choose to Live Happily Ever After Alone    

By Gongji
2483 Views | 9 Comments | 7/29/2015 1:26:50 PM

In my youth I was surrounded by nude women, in paintings, in magazines.

This entry is largely in response to John's blog “Whether a Chinese Woman or Western Woman, Is This True”? The question, “...why don't we all choose to live happily ever after, ALONE?” I will attempt to answer...

For me, it is first "societal conditioning" in the "must have a partner" area. One example: My father's private practice office had a waiting room for clients. Mom, as secretary, ordered magazines for reading material. Time, The New Yorker, Smithsonian, National Geographic, and Playboy (for the "articles" ?). Mom thought these magazines were proper and civilized for a young, up and coming, doctor to have in his office. Each month these magazines would be exchanged for the new and come home to the coffee table. So, for the first 8 years of my life (this time), "girly pictures" as well as several nude female paintings, ;) were made available to me. I guess Mom and Dad wanted to make sure I turned out "hetero" but it also "conditioned" me to believe “I want that !!” for partner selection. It took some time to overcome this and see on a deeper level but I still appreciate the occasional female “beauty shot”. Thanks Mom.

Second would be Love/Joy and the desire to share that with another who may eventually become a partner. I'm talking about the kind of Love/Joy that is NOT based on another person, place, or thing. Many of us have experienced this sort of awakening and when it "hits" you, it is undeniable! It can be life changing, very sweet,... beautiful. In this state one becomes ready to make all sorts of new accommodations. Previous ideas that seemed important may become less so. Caution is recommended here so as not to become overly co-dependent.

Third may be, the idea of feeling somewhat "incomplete" and having an internal drive towards "completeness" (Soul Mate, Twin Flame, etc...). In slightly metaphysical terms there is this concept of each person being a "mirror" for the other. Perhaps we "partner up" to find some missing part,...take a deep look, experience, learn, and grow into the best versions of ourselves. Rumi and Hafiz wrote a lot about this.

Fourth could be simply physical limitation. Maintaining house, property, elders, children and making some sort of monetary income can be very hard sometimes for just one person. A partner to help share these concerns might make all more do-able. However, for me, the benefits would have to outweigh the accommodations. Depends on the partner.

Fifth, and this must be included, is for procreation. Many folks just want children. Although I've been told many times I would be a great Dad, it's not exactly my cup of tea. Lot's of planning, considerations and responsibilities but, I might be OK with it. Babies and children do have a certain beauty. :D

Last, there is the idea (Sandy's) of partnership because of desire for companionship and available sex (hopefully satisfactory for each). These can be sweet things but to base a long term partnership on such just seems too shallow to me. Heck, you're gonna get "into it" just because you feel lonely or horny ? Get a new thought.

I really got a good belly laugh when I read this "Fairy Tale". I had some empathy with the author. I don't know any fellows who enjoy walking on eggshells every time they interact with the female partner and wonder if she will respond with hug, kiss and a taco OR,... give him a slap in the face and an ass (arse) chewin' about how incompetent he is in not obeying her rules!! (headbang)  Been there, done that, never again. God bless her,...  way far away.

Finally, this word "ALONE" is up for personal definition and one that I have come to understand in a certain way. True it is that this thing I call "myself" has no other physical human form living in the same house except for the occasional friend(s) that stop over from time to time but I rarely feel "alone". I see myself living in "SOLITUDE" and it has become very sweet. If I do feel "alone" it is a signal to me of puny, self pity, thinking and I change the perspective. Perhaps I go to the quiet pub for a beer and possible company but mostly, I just sit still, meditate, remember the inter-connectedness of all life and practice gratitude.

I want to offer a suggestion / reminder for all partnership seekers. Try to find the Art (Craft) of your life. You know,...the seemingly chaotic orderliness that keeps you on course. Once it becomes clear, Marry That First! You'll probably be just fine. Then,... explore the possibility of human partnership.

Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
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#2015-07-29 13:39:58 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

Gongji - how nice it is to see your back on the blogs. As usual you have provided a blog that is both enlightening and entertaining. I think your Mother laying out Playboy both on the Dentist office table of your Father's practice, and then on the living room table for her 8 year old son to read, speaks loudly of a very different "Mom" than most of us had.

Not that I would ever wish to have a different Mother than I did, because overall she was a great Mother, but on that one point, having beautiful pictures of nude women available in your youth, I envy you a lot. I had no sisters to spy on, so I was full of questions about the mysterious female form and all it's parts going into puberty, although by the time I was nearing the end I had managed to answer most of them via stolen Playboys from the local pharmacy and a couple of glorious opportunities to spy on a friend's older sister as she readied herself for a hot bath. That was the best friend I ever had, 8)

Nice read, and bang on as to the answer why, right or wrong, most of us choose not to live happily ever after alone, or as you would have it, in solitude. Thanks for this. (clap)

#2015-07-29 18:27:14 by Barry1 @Barry1


A well reasoned, thought provoking article, Gongji.

The bottom line for me is that if one can't be happy or satisfied with oneself, it's dangerous ground indeed to partner up with someone in the expectation that the other person will somehow bring completeness to one's life.

Put another way, ensuring that you're a complete, well rounded person BEFORE you pair up with someone is the best way to help guarantee the long tern success of the relationship.

I hope you like my little poem, Gonji.

"The day I first kissed you
was the the sweetest day of my life

The day that we finally married
was the sweetest day of my life

Every day that we make love
is the sweetest day of my life

You've given me so much joy, my darling
these sweet, sweet days of my life"

#2015-07-29 20:44:07 by YinTingYu @YinTingYu

Hi John,
Thanks for posting this entry. I was slightly concerned that the picture of "Red Shoes" would not be accepted. She's been a permanent household resident since 1961 (I was four) and she has a history,...of course. I'll leave that history open for answer if Any should be curious.

I sense I may have had a "different" sort of Mom from most in several regards but I really can't say she was better or worse than anybody's although I have heard some frightful stories. The relationships developed between Mother and child are so unique, varied, and special. It's really hard to make composite value assessment on this topic.

Oh, just for the record, Daddy (Doc) was first an M.D. and then interned (specialized) in Psychiatry. No harm, no foul... One can only imagine how "progressive" it may have seemed (in the 60's) to walk into your "shrink's" waiting room and see a copy of Playboy on the reception table ?? :D I'm not sure what the psychological tactic was but I'll bet it encouraged the clients, especially the males, for repeat sessions. 8)

Thanks again for posting,

#2015-07-30 14:05:12 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

Hey Gongji - I am not sure where I got the dentist idea from but I do apologize for that. Regarding "Red Shoes" I don't understand why any website would not show a picture of red shoes. Is there something I am missing?

And on that note I'll bite, what is the history of "Red Shoes" anyway?

#2015-08-01 07:38:27 by YinTingYu @YinTingYu

Hey there Pappy J.
Let me please try to explain first my take on the "Dentist" thing.
When I was writing this response, I was thinking back on the story told to me by Doc.
He had a mentor/patriarch who helped with finances from America while in medical school (Liverpool, England after WW II ).
My Dad's mentor was a well respected Dentist in southern California.
Hammered gold fillings,... an unusual thing to find these days.
Perhaps we were experiencing some fuzzy "inter-connectedness" from a distance ??
I'd like to think so. :)
Remember the "Big Iron" (Marty Robbins) incident during holidays??
It is what you called the "Small World" occurrence .;)

John, you are missing nothing regarding my concern with posting "Red Shoes" for a picture. It was just a way I felt appropriate for what I have written. You and All must understand that I was raised to be sort of an open minded "Southern Gentleman". I really don't know, or care too much anymore, about modern society and how All will receive, but still , I try to be considerate. Nude photos or pics are sort of taboo and yet, I have always been attracted to the beautiful mystery of the female form. I guess I'm just some sort of relic from the past that never existed in the first place. :D So be it.

OK, to "Red Shoes.
I must give some background please....
Doc was a decorated WW II Ace (P-38 combat and test pilot for Lockheed as well), in many theaters.
He got an opportunity to go to medical school in England after the war.
There was an incident that occurred in his second term regarding a certain instructor that was biased against Americans. This instructor was jealous, decided to fail my Dad in his studies regardless, and bullying him on the grounds that Doc was able to afford a maroon colored TDMG (car)!!

Well,... Doc went to the Dean of the college, (they became good friends over the 7 year program) with test papers in hand to prove his viability. The Dean was impressed with the results and saw the discrepancy. The entire college was closed for three days while council was held concerning the matter.

Results: The particular professor had his tenure nullified and was reduced to only teaching basic courses and Doc was requested to take his bi-annual exams in London in front of the "Kings Bench". This was a group of 4-5 black robed examiners who would make sure that he received no prejudice during written or oral assessment.

So,... Doc would prepare himself for tests and make a 3 day excursion out of it. Drive from Liverpool to London with hotel room secured, study up on the first day, take exams on the second and on the third, give himself some reward for the endeavor. His means of relief/reward were to get some good dinner and go to a show somewhere in or near "Piccadilly".
Simple things,.. right??

It was on one of these occasions, a live performance, where he got the opportunity to meet Moira Shearer (the star of the movie "The Red Shoes")in her dressing room,... showing up at her door with a small bouquet of flowers and a bottle of Harvey's Bristol Cream Sherry. Moira was impressed. In those days Doc looked like a combination of Tyrone Power (mostly) and Robert Taylor (a very gentlemanly "Bad Ass" cowboy).

Also remember that in those days, Britain was under some heavy export laws and the constituents of Britain could not purchase this sherry in more than one, possibly two, bottles at a time. As an American, Doc could buy it by the case. Showing up with such a gift was appreciated. They became good friends and possibly lovers. I'm not really sure but,... I would not be surprised from the letters I have read (6) that he saved.
So,...they became close until her departure.

Now,... "The Red Shoes" is an old tale by Hans Christian Andersen (possibly older). It tells of a young woman from upper middle class background (if not elite) who had a talent for the dance but was also sort of snobbish. Her heart/aim was in Art/ Dance and she loved this so much that she precluded all else. Was torn by Love, Desire, and Devotion.

The (magic) "Red Shoes" would not let her deviate (they danced by their own accord). She became addicted. Do you get it ?? Eventually she died because the "Red Shoes" would not allow her to do anything else than dance her dance but,... this is the life of every Artist. This is the sort of thing that relates to "Passion". Do we choose to be passionate creatures or not ?? I choose the passion. Can anyone understand ??

Now, forward to 1961. It was a cold winter's day and for some reason, Mom, Dad and I went to the private office. Walking down the hall in the "Professional" building, I had the sense that something Great was about to happen. Remember, I was just a little fellow. We got to the office door and there was this package, all cardboard boxed and wrapped with brown paper and red string. We went into the office and unwrapped it. There was a note of appreciation inside saying that "Red Shoes" was a hopeful payment for services and that the client was moving to South America.

Instantly Mom went to the books, dipped her fountain pen in the ink, grabbed a small ruler and drew a line through the client's name writing " Paid in Full" on the ledger. "Red Shoes" came home with us and was hung (by Mom) in the master bedroom. Despite various moves, even to this day, this is where she has always been.

OK,...there's the story. I know it was long but please remember John, "took the bait".
So it has been given ,...hook, line, sinker, and bob.
I'm really happy you did. :)
I practice "catch and release" on this occasion. :D
Peace and Blessings,

#2015-08-02 05:55:16 by YinTingYu @YinTingYu

Hello brother B.
Thanks for reading my post.
You are so "right on" with your response and I agree. I guess that's what I was trying to say in my usual "pretzel" (twisted in upon itself) way.There is nobody who's gonna fix your personal challenges but you. True it is that the other can help make clear what those challenges are but when it comes right down to it, we each have to do the work.Try to straighten it out BEFORE you get into a relationship!! Very well said. What has been the "Great Call" for humanity since the beginning of time ? "Oh Mankind, Know Thy Self(s)". There's been some others but this one seems to really stick out.

I liked your poem. From one whacked out, iron ass, sentimentalist to another,...thanks.
Hey, I've noticed from the threads that you are considering a move to China. Somewhere outside city limits? Good. I really do sense that you and Lady Tinafish will be able to make a great go of it !! Have sensed this since you started writing about it.

I gotta stop clicking on this computer and get back to the shop but, here's a tune you might enjoy. It's kind of hokey but I think you'll dig it.
"Green River" -CCR.

"Take me back down where cool water flows ya'll". Remember ?
Guess I'll have to go out to the local sookey jump tonight. Doggonnit !!


#2015-08-02 12:52:50 by Barry1 @Barry1


"I've noticed from the threads that you are considering a move to China"

Yes Gongji, I've bought my one way air ticket already. I arrive in Chengdu on 07 September to start a job teaching English at Leshan University on 08 September. Not much time to settle in!

I have no idea how things will go. I'm leaving a double story, 13 bedroom, 9 bathroom ex boarding house on a large block of land that goes down to a meandering creek, to live in Tina's small flat.

It's going to be a shock to the system. One that quite understandably, I'm nervous about. As for the teaching, who knows what'll happen there!

Hey, thanks for the CCR song. I'm a real fan of John Fogerty, who I reckon has one of the very best voices around. Cheers mate! (dance)(dance)(dance)

#2015-08-03 08:50:13 by YinTingYu @YinTingYu

Hi B. WOW !!
This is Great news Bro! You are actually doing it! I feel slightly honored that you have "let the cat out of the bag"concerning your move. I think I'm the first one you have told. I have this sense/feeling that all will work out perfect for you and Lady T. I think we share a certain degree of "screwdupidness" (:D) but in this scenario it's spot on and I congratulate your courage.
When I read the news and saw your emoticons ((dance)(dance)(dance)) my music head went instantly to "Empress (Lioness, She's really a very very sweet, Bad Ass Bitch!)" Gladys Knight and The Pips. Of course I had to change up the lyrics a little bit but, does that tune go ?
(1973) Empress Gladys & The Pips "Midnight Train To Georgia"

"Brisbane,...proved too less for the man.
He wouldn't take it.
So he's leavin' the life, he's come to know.
He said he's goin' back to find,...
Oooh,... what's left of this world,
The world he left behind,... not so long ago.

He's leavin', on that midnight plane to China.
Said he's goin' back,... to a simpler place in time...
And she'll be with him (in spirit), on that midnight plane to China,
He'd rather live in her world, than live without her,... this time" etc,.

Shuck it all it man,...
"So he pawned all his hopes,... and even sold his old car"...
Bought a one way ticket back.
To the life he once knew...etc,...

"For Love, all aboard, (get aboard), the midnight plane to China".
It's his and her's alone. (clap)
Hahaha, you make up the rest. .:D

Now, I sense we have similar circumstances regarding domiciles. Your's is definitely larger than mine. I'm hanging on almost 2 acres in a 4,000 sq.foot lake house (one of a kind and paid for). Doc and I designed this place back in 1982-4 for a retirement home for him and a homestead for me on his departure. The view from the back porch overlooks the lake and is spiritually uplifting. Plus, there is a studio/workshop, climate controlled attached. So, do I depart ? I admit that I don't know much about business. Perhaps you could give some insight?
Also, I would like to know more about your teaching position. I have thought about this many times. Music, English, History. I know I could be a good one
Drop me a line or two when you have time and let me know how all progresses.
Really have to congratulate you and Tina.
Go with it, explore, develop, build a very good life.
Peace out,

#2015-08-03 16:24:00 by Barry1 @Barry1


Thanks for your good wishes, Gongji.

As the time approaches, I have increasing feelings of trepidation about my pending trip. For starters, what happens to my house? If rented, will tenants look after it properly? There are a thousand other things to think about also - cars; business; family issues, etc etc.

It's far from an easy decision, please let me assure you. I know Gladys Knight would be singing and crowing about it, but that's not how I currently feel as I'm under the pump, trying to tie up many loose ends here. It's way more complex than simply going over for a holiday, as I'm finding out.

Your house sounds lovely. This'll certainly make it harder to leave the place if ever you wish to, feelings that are what I'm experiencing right now.

As for your query about business, I'm not sure what you specifically mean, Gongji? I've been self employed for the past thirty years, so I guess I must know something about it.

Re the teaching, who knows? I've never taught before so it'll be the blind leading the blind!

It's nice of you to say so, but please don't rush to congratulate me yet, until I'm actually there and things are going smoothly. There are way too many hurdles to jump over yet, before ultimate success is achieved. :^)

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