Why I can't visit ShenZhen anymore!
By
Garreth Humphris
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8/28/2013 2:40:02 PM
I read a small article on one of the Chinese news sites that was talking about a rule that has recently passed in Shenzhen that requires men using public restrooms to take better aim. Apparently, the local government is tired of cleaning splash back, drips and other oddities from around public urinals and will fine any perpetrators RMB100 for being a little off-aim.
For me, this means a regular trip to ShenZhen will be out of my budget!
So, my question is how will they police it? Will someone be at a Central Command Center watching voyeur videos of men relieving themselves across the city in real-time? Or will they focus on shopping centres in tourist precincts?
Or will they have a man standing behind you with a camera, or you pay 1 rmb and they give you a piece of paper you place on the floor between your feet and return to them for a Saturation Score?
Maybe an up-market urinal with a laser barrier that detects splash back hitting it? Or a moisture detector on the floor? Cleaning lady with a mop and a wry smile?
I wonder, will there be any pre warning that you might be getting close to your limit...like a flashing amber light? One more drop is one too many Mister!
Maybe they will make you pay a 100RMB deposit and if you leave any deposit, they fail to return the initial deposit! Mind-boggling really!
I can see the employment ads now... new positions in Sanitation and Hygiene Inspection Team - must have fast hands and eye for detail! Rise to the top of your profession quickly, apply now! Generous conditions.
What will they do with the extra revenue? - I hope they actually give the cleaners some soap or disinfectant... the regular pattern is to give the cleaners the worst rag mop that they can find and a bucket of water - resulting in a relocation of dirt and debris from one side of the room to the other every day! Week by week, this just builds up against the walls in a dark smeary paste until people wear a clean pathway through it by walking... a few drops of detergent and the whole place sparkles, but not, it would seem, in China!
So, I have been putting my mind to the task and come up with some possible suggestions:
1) Place a target - a few of those smelly balls, a floating cigarette butt, a painted target, anything to help guidance in low light conditions. Or maybe project a movie of floating ducks onto the device and make it a game!
2) Audible Positioning - glue a theremin (weird electrical musical instrument) to the urinal and attach a speaker, the breaking of the electrical field by the water stream in different places plays a different tone - and splashing the electrical wires of the device would deliver a high voltage, low current electrical jolt that would be sure to make the particular gent more careful in the future!
3) Make wider stalls - one issue with me is I am about 3 ft wide across the shoulders and the urinals and stalls are placed at 1ft intervals...hence trajectory must be a more laid-back long-distance waterfall-like lob rather than pin-point laser accuracy. The closer, the less splash!
4) Add a pipe attachment - after 5000 years of toilet evolution in China, you might think it possible to devise an extension pipe and funnel arrangement that does away with the whole stand back and aim process! Maybe China could turn to it's best and brightest design students in the major universities for innovation and sanitation development.
5) Convert it to a park - just make a circular park and plant a lot of lemon trees and the gents can just stride around, select a suitable view, spray and leave - and the extra urea will really make the lemons grow well!
Well, I've had my fun, better get back to more serious things - like coffee.
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I have to associate your blog to Baudelaire's Flowers of Evil, you two have similar taste?
"Pot Inspection Service Shenzhen" will be the name given to those tasked with issuing fines (double fine if you manage to pee on their shoes).
Discretely watched in Hong Kong as a past-prime elderly man held onto the hand rails at a urinal and proceeded to just pee all over the floor. One day that'll be me (and you).
Certainly there are some pretty skanky gents toilets around China.
Brings to mind a question I posed to friends recently: what is the correct way to pee at a squat toilet?
- standing, facing the door
- standing, facing the wall
- squatting, facing the door
- squatting, facing the wall
- other
Still not sure of the correct etiquette =(
Indeed, back to coffee.
Squatting, arse over the hole... The plateau doesn't get enough water
Please do not think that all parts of China are all like this.
Thank you!
Install real toilets and real urinals. They do exist and they can be purchased all over the world.
Perplexed...
Having said that I've lived in China for over 10 years and have used a squatter once in my entire life, and my ambition is to never use one again.
@garrethhumphris - you have managed with this one posting to paint more distasteful pictures in our minds than we would ever wish for and than any other blog post has ever done. Bravo! Bragging rights for sure.