Chinese Women, Asian Women, Online Dating & Things Chinese and Asian
A writer for CLM Magazine and CLM Social Pages, Achelle is also an independent blogger, giving her two cents on personal and social issues from an educated Filipina's point of view, especially those relating to love and relationships. She has a knack for tackling issues from unique angles that are often left unexplored, posing questions that move and challenge readers to view a certain issue from a wholly different perspective. Achelle is happily engaged to her childhood sweetheart and is currently based in the Philippines. Achelle's writing is a delight to read and highly enlightening, entertaining and thought provoking. You're going to see lots of her on our Emagazine, Blogs, Social Pages and Hubs. Enjoy
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When My Long-Distance Relationship Came to An Unexpected End – Part 3 - When I Stumbled and Fell    

By Achelle Vinzon
2832 Views | 8 Comments | 3/20/2014 2:33:58 PM

I sincerely meant to get off that path to self-destruction.  But a chance at happiness appeared unexpectedly; at least, at that time, I sincerely believed that was what it was.  In some ways, I was manipulated into what turned out to be a messed up situation; but I wasn’t completely blameless.  Nobody held a gun to my head.  There were warning signs, but I wanted so badly to believe that I could finally have the happiness I yearned for, so I ignored them.

My friendship with the love of my life had started to grow cold again.  I assumed he was busy, and it also crossed my mind that his woman may have had something to do with it, as well.  I could understand that she felt threatened by my friendship with him, especially given the past we shared. 

I put an end to my “fling phase.”  I was done with relationships and men, not for good, but indefinitely – until such time when the right man comes, at the right time and in the right circumstances.  For a couple of months, I felt confident in my decision; I felt positive about the future again.  I had a great job and I was excited about setting into motion the plans I had for myself and my daughter.  I realized there was more than one kind of happiness and that one loss, no matter how big, doesn’t mean I can’t have a chance at being happy.         

And then a guy from work dangled the promise of happiness in front of me.  I was charmed by his smarts; he knew how to play me.  I have always prided myself for not being played for a fool by any man; but while I was well on my way toward putting the broken pieces of myself back together, it was still a work in progress.  There were still cracks that needed to get patched up, and he managed to snake his way through them, where I was most vulnerable, before I could completely heal myself.  He didn’t know anything about The One That Got Away (again), but I guess some men just know exactly how to look for and take advantage of a woman’s weakness. 

In all of my past relationships until that point, I had never completely forsaken good sense.  I had been telling myself that I could be happy without a man, and I hadn’t realized how desperate I still yearned, deep inside, for the kind of happiness that was simply beyond my reach.  I fell apart watching the love of my life build a future with another woman; that dream I had always had of the two of us still being together in the end had collapsed on top of me and crushed me.  So when a hand came out of nowhere to show me a “better place” while I was still dusting myself off, I grabbed it. 

What followed was a disastrous and destructive four-year relationship.  And for the first time in my life, I made a choice that also caused other people to get hurt.  I learned soon after I let him into my life that he was a selfish, insecure, and arrogant man, and he had a very bad temper.  He was controlling and abusive, physically and emotionally.  He hurt me raw and he always found a way to make me feel that I deserved it.  He broke me, my confidence, my strength.  He told me to break off any contact I had with my first love (he tried to contact me a few times, but I had to tell him that I couldn't talk to him anymore); he was very strict about any contact I had with other men.  I had never hated anyone before, but over the years, I grew to hate him.      

Why did I let it last that long?  I saw him for who he really was after I had already invested everything I had and was into our relationship.  In his selfish, insecure, and arrogant way, he believed he loved me.  And for a short period, I convinced myself that I loved him enough to try to make it work, to try to change him and be a positive influence in his life, despite the hate growing inside me.  There was a short period when he worked hard to be a better man, a better partner; the abuse stopped.  But as the saying goes, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” 

Finally, I arrived at a point where I saw that I couldn’t have a real future with him.  I watched him struggle against his monstrous side; I saw the good man that he could be.  But, in the end, I realized that what I felt for him had never been real.  I had been desperate for a love that I couldn’t have, from a man that couldn’t be mine.  I had been in the process of making myself whole again – broken, but whole – when he had come along.  I had no more hope of being truly complete, but then he had made me believe that he could fill up the void in my life – that he could make a square fit into a round hole. 

After almost four years of trying to be happy with the cards I had been dealt, I decided I was done.  I had never been one to have regrets, but I regretted those four years that I chose to spend with him.  I was done. 

To be continued….     

Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
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#2014-03-20 14:33:38 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

Wow! All these series of such serious love stories are starting to keep me awake at night worrying about you guys! Another great post Achelle.

#2014-03-21 08:21:34 by Grace172 @Grace172

"he was a selfish, insecure, and arrogant man, and he had a very bad temper. He was controlling and abusive, physically and emotionally." This word scare me....I hope I do not need to ued it in my future.

#2014-03-21 10:51:55 by Barry1 @Barry1


Your introspective reflections upon past experiences and especially past loves are very captivating indeed, Achelle. Thank you so much for taking the time to write them and I hope you write many more. Because as I read them, it makes me give pause to ponder inwardly about my own life. Plus of course, I enjoy vicariously living through your life, as you open up whole new realms of thoughts and occurrences never seen or witnessed by me before.

Interestingly, this particular article describing the four year destructive relationship you had with this abusive gentleman complements very nicely with a previous article you'd written in August 2013, where you also brushed against this topic.

"I Would Rather Have Been Single All My Life"

Back then you said, et al,

"And then I faltered........ I convinced myself I could be truly happy with this other man who was all wrong for me.......... For nearly four years I succeeded in my self-deception...... Near the end of that four-year mistake, four years of being lost, I found myself again."

In your earlier article, I was particularly impressed by your final comments:

"Life is fleeting and if we are going to settle for anything less, it may as well be for the lesser regret of going for something and failing, than the regret of not having gone for it at all and not knowing what could have been."

Although having said this, the above words tend to disagree with the final thoughts you expressed in this current article, where you reflected,

"I had never been one to have regrets, but I regretted those four years that I chose to spend with him."

Do you see what I mean here, Achelle? Last August, your expressed thoughts were that it's better to have done something and failed, than not ever have done it at all.

But now, your viewpoint has altered to the belief that you genuinely regretted the four years wasted?

Fascinating how people's views on things can alter over time, isn't it? What's a learning experience at one stage may gradually morph into simple regret - perhaps even bitternesss - at another. :^)

#2014-03-21 15:48:43 by AchelleVinzons @AchelleVinzons

Thank you, John. :)

@Grace172, I hope you won't ever go through anything like that. Some people are made all the better by bad experiences; others are irreparably damaged by them. One of the most important lessons I've learned from those four years was not to force situations. If something does not fit right into your life, forcing it to fit will either leave gaping holes in you life or make it too cramped that something will inevitably, irreversibly, and painfully have to break.

@Barry1, I can understand your confusion. Although your impression that "people's views on things can alter over time" is very true. I went for it, failed, and later regretted it. As they say, hindsight is often 20/20. Had I heeded the warning signs, would not knowing what could have been - would that have been the greater regret? After going through that nightmare, I, of course, can answer that with a firm no. And there have been a lot of times since then, knowing what I know now, when I felt certain that I would have had the happiness I've always yearned for much earlier if I had practiced better judgment during that confusing time in my life. That chapter, I realize now, is something I could've done without. And realizing that has made the decision I made to let that man in become a bigger regret over time. I hope that makes sense. Thank you, again, for sharing your observations and for the warm sentiments.

#2014-03-24 13:26:06 by Grace172 @Grace172

"If something does not fit right into your life, forcing it to fit will either leave gaping holes in you life or make it too cramped that something will inevitably, irreversibly, and painfully have to break."
I agree with you completely. (y)
I am struggling...

#2014-03-24 18:37:09 by Barry1 @Barry1


"I am struggling..."

Dear Grace, in relation to your comment here, may I please proffer the following advice.

If something doesn't feel right, don't do it.

Women in particular have an advantage over most men in having a more enhanced sense of intuition about things. They're usually more "in tune" with what's happening around them. They may not be able to put their feelings exactly into words, yet often they "feel" something is not quite right or wrong.

So please let me say again.

Don't rush into something that you don't feel at ease with. Let your intuition guide your way, like a glowing lantern through a dark night.

A wise person once said,

"Trust your intuition yet be guided by love"

Is it true love that you feel? If so, then take this into account, by all means. If not however, then fall back to your intuition, your guiding lantern.

#2014-03-24 20:58:33 by Eliza1027 @Eliza1027

how can you spent such a long time with such an incredible man? a wise woman should know how to protect herself .

#2014-03-25 01:18:19 by newbeginning @newbeginning

hello, I had a hard time reading the segment as your 4 year relationship with this man sounded like an incredibly bad dream....

Your description of his personality mirrors that of my ex wife and my ex gf. We can be happy with ourselves, we do not need someone to love in our lives, but if the relationship is true then having someone to love is amazing.

There are many male and female predators out there, the hard part is recognising them before they work their charms on us. They are very good at what they do....I too found this out the hard way..........

I look forward to your next segment Achelle!

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