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A writer for CLM Magazine and CLM Social Pages, Achelle is also an independent blogger, giving her two cents on personal and social issues from an educated Filipina's point of view, especially those relating to love and relationships. She has a knack for tackling issues from unique angles that are often left unexplored, posing questions that move and challenge readers to view a certain issue from a wholly different perspective. Achelle is happily engaged to her childhood sweetheart and is currently based in the Philippines. Achelle's writing is a delight to read and highly enlightening, entertaining and thought provoking. You're going to see lots of her on our Emagazine, Blogs, Social Pages and Hubs. Enjoy
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When My Long-Distance Relationship Came to An Unexpected End – Part 2: Path to Self-Destruction    

By Achelle Vinzon
2392 Views | 6 Comments | 3/8/2014 2:54:11 PM

Things in long distance relationships can quickly breakdown, and so can the people.

Just like the first time, our rekindled connection abruptly ended.  There was no preamble.  There was no buildup to a satisfying end.  There were no fitting goodbyes.  In retrospect, the abruptness of it all was remarkably fitting to what was an unremarkable re-acquaintance.  I came upon another turning point in my life at that time; I really didn’t know how badly or well his life was going.  As all crossed paths were bound to go, ours continued in different directions, and so we simply went our separate ways.



We didn’t re-connect until more than a year later.  I had just started a new job and I had come out of my hibernation from the online world.  His name was just there on my contacts list, beckoning.  So I said hello. 



And we picked up right where we left off.  He was still 8,000 miles away, but it was that easy.  Talking to him again felt like the most natural thing in the world.  He was still with the same woman, and he still had the same ex-wife problems.  My relationship with my daughter’s father had finally reached its long-drawn-out conclusion.  In the back of my head, I thought, “The timing and the circumstances would never be right for us.  I may believe with all my heart that we’re meant to be together; but if he didn’t feel the same way, then that’s that.” 



We chatted almost every day.  He even called me a few times.  My feelings for him were rekindled, but it was clear to me that we were just going to be friends.  I truly believed he had finally found his happiness, despite the troubles he still had.  I truly believed he was with the woman of his dreams.  And I was truly happy for him.  My heart broke again, in the exact, same places that it did the first time.  But even if it bordered on masochism, I became the confidante, the good friend he needed at that time.  I even became friends with his woman. 



It was a self-destructive choice. 



A close friend told me that his woman was just employing the keep-your-friends-close-and-your-enemies-closer strategy.  I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, but I knew it also made sense.  I told my friend, however, that I was doing it for him.  I certainly wasn’t doing it for myself!  Or maybe I was; maybe I did. 



He couldn’t reciprocate the feelings I had for him, and I didn’t expect him to.  I didn’t even think he knew how I really felt.  But he reciprocated the friendship.  He was my confidante, too.  And he knew how to make me laugh.  Conversations with him were always stimulating.  At the end of each day, being his friend wasn’t a completely selfless act.  It gave me pleasure; it gave me some degree of satisfaction.  There was a lot of pain, yes.  But I knew that pain wasn’t always a bad thing.  It was one of those cathartic experiences that I just had to go through. 



I destroyed some parts of myself in order to become a better, wiser, stronger person.  There was no carefully laid out plan, of course; I just gave in to those needs I had that I could indulge without hurting anybody else (I lived away from my daughter at that time, and was working to support her). 



To distract myself, I actively dated other guys.  It was futile; it was my way of filling a void that I knew couldn’t be filled.  But that was how I chose to cope.  My heart and mind belonged, and would always belong, to only one person; but that didn’t mean I couldn’t have some casual, albeit temporary, fun of my own.  After several months of this, I proved to myself that I couldn’t be that kind of woman – one who could have one fling after another; one who could be in a so-called non-committed relationship, with no purpose or direction.  I was not capable of not caring.  Caring, of course, meant getting hurt.  So I put an end to it.    



My friendship with him had also begun to wane.  His life, in which I really couldn’t have a permanent place, took him farther and farther away from me again.  When I had had enough, when I felt I was ready, I decided to close that chapter in my book and begin a new one.    



I was able to purge myself of the frustrations, the hopelessness, and the loneliness I had been feeling ever since we started talking again.  I was ready to start fresh.  I decided I didn’t need to be in a relationship to be happy.  Plus, I already made plans to get my daughter.  We could finally be together and I needed to put all my focus into making that happen.  I decided that if there was another “right man” for me out there, he would come along when the time was right.  My biggest fear had always been ending up with a man with whom I couldn’t truly be happy; I had always told myself I’d rather grow old alone.  And knowing that I could never love another man as much as I loved him, I had always been ready to grow old alone. 



And then I made the biggest stumble of my life.    



To be continued…. 


Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
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(Showing 1 to 6 of 6) 1
#2014-03-09 02:43:33 by newbeginning @newbeginning

Achelle, as I read this blog entry I am with much trepidation and my eyes scrunched closed hard at times. I understand your feelings and wanting to hang on to a love and friendship even though you know it is toxic to you. To let it go is the easy part, to survive and recover is the hard part. I found that for myself when I realised I was quite ready to grow old alone, possibly never having a love in my life again is when I became empowered, strong and very independent. I as well realised as you did that I would rather be alone than be with a person who I did not love with all my heart.

On a very complementary note....your writing is the best on this site hands down, you are forthright, honest, engaging, bringing the reader along with you on this ride....I look forward with great eagerness to your next thought provoking and heart thumping entry!

#2014-03-09 11:11:08 by Barry1 @Barry1

@Achelle

Another piece of fine albeit cryptic writing here, thanks Achelle.

I'm still scratching my head as to exactly who or what you're talking about here, but hope is at hand.

I think I'm slowly starting to put the puzzling jigsaw together. Please tell me if I'm wrong however. I feel somewhat like Alan Turing, the brilliant mathematician who after many laborious months, finally brilliantly cracked the German's "Enigma" code, placing the Allies at a big advantage during World War 2. In turn, I might have finally split wide open what you're writing about here.

Let's start at the beginning.

In your article of last November, "An Unexpected, But Much Longed-For, Reunion", you spoke of Hans, your then fiance who over a very long period of time through many ups and downs, peaks and troughs, you nevertheless felt destined to be with, noting that "even after waiting sixteen years for something I have always felt, (our reunion) was meant to happen".

This was at that terrible time when your grandmother sadly passed away. Hans was still in the USA but vowed to take care of you, "He asked me to whisper in my grandmother’s ear that he promises to take care of me, that he would make her proud that I chose him to spend the rest of my life with, that he will always love me."

Then in your last article of 21 February, "When My Long-Distance Relationship Came to An Unexpected End, Part 1", you said,

"After sixteen years, the time and circumstances were finally right; they weren’t perfect, but they were right. We were together again. Third time’s the charm, they always say. A year into our long-distance relationship, he was finally able to visit me from the U.S. Seventeen months later, that long-distance relationship came to an abrupt end"

Though something's not quite right here.

In the article of last November, you described how after sixteen long years, fiance Hans was finally coming to live with you, to marry you.

"our reunion, WHICH WAS FINALLY FOR GOOD, just felt right"

Yet in your last article of 21 February, , you mentioned Hans was merely "visiting" you?

These are clearly two very opposing statements, yes? Last November, you said the reunion was to be permanent. Yet on 21 Feb, you said he was "visiting" you?

And then in today's article, you said,

"Just like the first time, our rekindled connection abruptly ended."

Does this mean that you and Hans have now split up? Surely not, after what is to me a sacred vow that Hans had made to your grandmother, as you whispered his sincere words into her ear that "he would make her proud that I chose him to spend the rest of my life with, that he will always love me".

Or have I totally misunderstood all of this? As stated, I feel like Mr Turing, trying to decipher the infamous German "Enigma" code, in attempting to fully comprehend the arcane messages within your articles, Achelle. Actually, I think Alan Turing had the easier task!

#2014-03-09 13:32:44 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

Achelle, unlike Barry I am just plain confused, but anxious to discover where you are going. As mysteries go, this is a dandy.

#2014-03-11 19:26:43 by Grace172 @Grace172

@Achelle
You are one of the wise and intelligent women I admire most here. I was not here for long time so I missed your a few previous articles. I was surpristed and sad for you when I was reading this article. Then I read Barry's confusing, I found out your article he had refered to in his comment here. "An Unexpected, But Much Longed-For, Reunion" I read it and I suddenly have a different feeling from Barry. I hope the title "My Long-Distance Relationship Came to An Unexpected End" contains a positive intimation. I wish your coming article will tell us a happy ending. I hope I will be correct. I wish you both have ended up the sixteen-year' long distance relationship and have begun a new life together. Looking forward your next sequel.

#2014-03-12 20:44:34 by QinQL @QinQL

Achelle, “ I already made plans to get my daughter. We could finally be together and I needed to put all my focus into making that happen.”

What you said is quite right. Especially if your daughter is still too young who need your care and company with , a mother should do her best to stay with her children as more as she can , it'll be the most worth of all in the world. At the same time you don’t worry about no chance to look for a relationship for yourself as well because it would be the best way to help you forget all the past sad story in your previous relationship , and it is better for you before starting a new search happily. We should step by step following the rhythm of our life at leisure. When we have done most of things well around us , and accompanied our children growing up healthily and happily, it would be not far from the knocking on the door of happiness.

I like to read your blogs here, and I believe you will find your right one.

您说的太对了。特别是小孩年纪尚小需要大人的关照和陪伴时,我们要尽一切努力给更多的时间陪伴他们,这是值得的。何况,这段时间您也没有全部牺牲给孩子,它可以帮到您忘记过往刻骨铭心的旧情,更好地重新开始一段新的寻找之旅。
我们需要从容地踏好生活的节拍。

当我们能有一颗平和的心做好自己的事,也能陪伴孩子健康快乐地成长,就离敲响幸福之门不远了。

#2014-03-14 13:04:13 by AchelleVinzons @AchelleVinzons

As always, thank you for the kind words. And all I can say about this mystery is - the clue is in the chronology. ;)

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