This should be a good topic for discussion on the CLM forum; but here are my thoughts on it. Does it mean being the partner that makes all the decisions? Does it mean always having the final say? Does it mean showing he is in charge, any way he can?

Does it mean being chivalrous, being a gentleman, being respectful?

And what does it mean when they say that a man is “whipped?”

In these days of gender equality and radical feminism, there are so many instances when it seems that the man has lost his “traditional” place in a relationship – that of having the dominant role and being in command. 

In these times when women are more assertive, aggressive even; when they exert more independence and luxuriate in it, it is clear that they have shed the traditional mantle of the meek and submissive female partner in a relationship. 

With their gender roles evolving, the definition of “being the man” in a relationship may already seem obsolete.  But when one considers how women still choose their ideal mate, it also becomes evident that we still find conventional, masculine characteristics highly desirable.  No matter how strong a woman is or may appear to be, she still consciously or unconsciously needs and craves for the feeling of security that a strong and dependable male can provide. 

With the roles of men and women in a relationship evolving, the definition of “being a man” has also evolved, but there seems to be confusion about and disagreement on what it takes to be a man in a relationship.  The women have different opinions regarding this, of course.  This is most likely one of the biggest reasons why so many men now are suffering from some sort of identity crisis, or a “masculinity” crisis, if you will, regardless whether they admit it or not or whether they are conscious of it or not.

Whenever men complain or observe that women are difficult to understand and are hard to please, this is partly because they are unsure about their role, as the man, in the relationship.  Do they sincerely want to understand women and what they want?  Do they genuinely want to know what they can do or how they can change to make a woman happy?  These are questions for another discussion. 

Setting aside a woman’s view of what it takes to be a man in a relationship, how do you, men, define “being a man”?  And what do you think does it mean to be “whipped”?

Does “being a man” mean doing everything you can to make your woman happy?  If you only do things for her to avoid making her mad, does this mean that you are “whipped?”

When your whole world revolves around her and you show her that you treasure her in every way that you can, is this “being a man” or being “whipped?”

When you let her have her way because you love her and want her to be happy, or because you simply want to avoid a fight, are you “being a man” or being “whipped?”

When you prefer to take charge and often feel the need to put your foot down because you’re the man, are you “being a man”?

Does “being a man” only mean doing gentlemanly things, knowing how and when to compromise, and not exerting any authority because you want your woman to have an equal voice in the relationship?

When your woman is pushy, demanding, and controlling, what does it mean, then, to “be a man” in the relationship?

When you let a woman get away with disrespecting you, or even just letting her voice her emotions (with or without the intention to be hurtful), and you don’t feel the need to “put her in her place,” does this make you less of a man or more of a man?

Do you have to have an iron fist to be a man?  Do you have to know how to control your woman?  Or is it your capacity for compromise and sacrifice that define your being a man in a relationship?

When you know when to take the blame, when to apologize, when to be quiet, and when to say something, is this what it means to be a man?

While we can set aside a woman’s opinion on what makes a man, it is clear that the kind of woman that a man has for a partner does influence how he is as the man in the relationship.  This does not necessarily mean that the woman has control over the man’s behavior; how a man reacts is still his own choice.  But as I’ve mentioned in a previous blog, every action has an equal and opposite reaction.  The degree to which a man lets a woman influence him is also his own choice.  How he wants to be defined as “a man” is his own choice.  What kind of role he wants to play in a relationship is his own choice. 

Conversely, the choices that he makes “as a man” or “to be a man” also stimulate a reaction from the woman.  So it is a continuous cause-and-effect.  Whether this series or cycle of cause-and-effect makes the relationship a strong and lasting one should tell you what you’re doing right and what you’re doing wrong.  I personally believe that taking responsibility for your own actions, treating your woman with respect, and having the right priorities and motivations are the elements that make a man. 

A man is a man because he is born with the Y-chromosome; what he does with it, especially when he’s in a relationship, is what gives his “being a man” depth and form. 

What are your thoughts, men and women of CLM and ALM?