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Jellyfish: A cultural exploring traveler loves making friends from different countries. As a western culture lover, I would like to share fun moments from my travel experiences. In my journey of searching for Mr. Right, I would like to provide food for your thoughts so that you will discover what will make you click to find your love. It is all mindset and atti-tude. Let us work on that! Jellyfish: 喜欢在不同國家交朋友及發掘文化差異的旅人。作為一名喜愛西方文化的愛好者,我將會分享旅遊經驗的有趣事情。在這經歷找真命天子的過程中,我期待為你分享一些想法,對你在找尋真命天子中有幫助。所有事情都是出於心態及想法,我們一起努力吧。
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What Happened at the End of Every Fairy Tale? 每個童話的結局都怎麼了?

By Jellyfish
289 Views | 11 Comments | 11/26/2017 1:09:12 PM

Online dating fairytales may come true, but not without the right mindset.

Most fairy tales from Disney world usually ended up with “and they lived happily ever after.” Everything is wonderful. Of course, happy ending is guarantee. But back to reality, how many of you live happily ever after once you get married?



I could imagine many of you start to shake your head and smile. What is missing?



Reality is missing!! Marriage brings two individuals into an entity. They need time to adjust each other’s own habits. This brings out the topic of the art of how to getting along great. I am currently reading Dr. Carol Dweck’s Mindset: the New Psychology of Success. In her book, Dr. Dweck analyzed that there are two mindsets in us. One is the fixed mindset; another one is growth mindset. People with fixed mindset usually believe in talent in which they are born with. If you are gifted in some areas of life, you need not to work hard on it. The flip of the coin is: if you are not talented in something, there is no way for you to improve it. People with growth mindset believe that talent is the result of hard work and it could be obtained by endless hours of training and learning.



Oh….. wait. How could this apply to relationship or marriage? You may ask! Please stay with me.



People with different mindsets also affect how they treat heartbreak and relationship! She discovered that people with fixed mindset tend to have a desire to revenge on their Ex(s) after they were dumped. People with growth mindset tend to train themselves to let go of the past failure so that they could recover from the hurt!!! *



When people with fixed mindset enter a marriage, once they have problems with their spouses whom have different habits or when they handle argument, they will get frustrated easily because in their mind: they believe that there is no way to change things. Things are fixed and no improvement could be done. Have you already seen the potential danger? In other words, nothing can improve the situation because it comes what it is!



However, people with growth mindset will act differently. They clearly understand getting along with their spouses or any relationship need huge effort! When the argument comes, they realize it is a way to learn something about themselves. (Instead of blaming their partners). They will try everything to improve the situation.



When you read the information above, you may already examine your own mindset. I would recommend you to take a look on your mindset/ attitude which will not only help you in relationship area but also other area of your life.



Anything that is valuable worth effort!!! There is no free lunch in this world! If you want to have a great marriage or a great relationship, you have to work on it. Not by yourself but by working it with your spouse or partner. To answer the question of the topic. What happened at the end of every fairy tale? That is another untold story you never want to hear.



I will see you super soon next time.



Note: * If you are interested in how the mindset affect our relationship, you could go through chapter 6 in the book.



P.S. I am truly amazed by this book as it gave me a new perspective on how the mindset will affect people’s reaction to their relationship and marriage. It also pushed me to examine my thought status. After coming to CLM, I realized so many people carry along their heartbreak and failures with them. Only you could release all the negative feeling in the failure, then you could empty yourself for a new relationship.



在廸士尼的童話世界,大部份童話机乎都是以下列的方式完結:「從此他們便永远幸福地生活下去」所有事情都如此完美。大团圓結局永远是最佳保証。但返回現实,你們当結婚後,有多少會像童話一樣永遠幸福快樂地生活下去?



我机乎可以想像當中有不少人微微一笑、搖搖头。我們錯過什麼了嗎?



现实的情況在童話中欠奉!婚姻將兩个独立的個体变成一個整体。二人需要时間磨合去适应另一半的生活习慣。这就引申另一個課題:怎样和另一半融洽相处的艺朮。我最近正讀卡蘿・杜維克博士的「心態致勝:全新成功心理學」。在她的著作中: 杜維克分析我們被兩种思維支配。第一种是固定心态而第二种是成長心态。具有固定心态的人通常相信才华是与生俱來的。如果你在人生某一方面有才华,你根本不需要努力。反之,如若你沒才华,你也沒有辦法去改善。俱有成長心态的人則相信才态是不停学习及努力的成果。



噢!等一下。这怎样应用在关係和婚姻中呢?你或者有這样的疑問。請你耐心再看看。



杜克維發現具有固定心态的人当面臨分手或被拋棄時往往具有強烈的意欲向前度作出報复,而具有成長心态的人則訓練自己忘記過去,以致他們可以走出心碎的傷痛!*



當具有固定心态的人进入婚姻,他們和配偶在生活的习慣上出現問題或他們在处理爭執,他們很容易觉得沮喪因为在他們的观念中,他們認为根本沒有辦法去改变;所有事情都是固定的,沒有方法改善。換言之,沒有事情能改变,因為狀況就是這样!



相反,具有成長心态的人會有不同的反应。他們十分明白在和另一半或其他关係中,相处是需要很大的付出。當爭執出現,他們了解到当中有些关於自己的課程他們需要学习的,而不是第一時間將錯誤歸疚別人。他們往往會嚐試不同的方法改善處境。



當你讀到這個博客時,你或許已經檢驗你的心大戈心。我強烈建議你檢視一下自己的心態,這不单可以幫你改善關係,而你人生的其他方面也能有所进益。



所有有价值的事物也值得付出努力!世上沒有免費的午攴。如果你想拥有美滿的婚姻或好的关係,你就要努力經營。不单你自己,你也要和配偶一同努力經營。到這里,要回答題目的問題,每个童話的結尾都会怎样?真正的答案或者是你不愿意知道的。



下次再見!



* 註: 对心态怎样影响关係的課题有兴趣的人,可以讀这本書的第六章。



后記: 当我讀到这書时,我真的感到驚訝,因为它讓我知道我們的心態如何影响著我們對恋爱及婚姻的关係。它亦推使我檢視自己思維的狀態。來到CLM之后,我才發現很多人都背负过去的心碎或失败。只有讓失败中的负面感觉释放,你才能倒空自己去迎接新的关係。


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Comments
(Showing 1 to 10 of 11) 1 2 More...
#2017-11-26 13:08:35 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

This is  a great blog Jellyfish and I appreciate the introduction to Dr. Carol Dweck's book.

Right at the end you said:

"...so many people carry along their heartbreak and failures with them. Only you could release all the negative feeling in the failure, then you could empty yourself for a new relationship."

This is another way of saying something that we Westerners often mention when describing someone who "is carrying a lot of baggage" and what we mean is they haven't gotten over one or more old relationships, so they are not ready to enter into a new one.

You know you've encountered someone who "is carrying a lot of baggage", or who "carries along their heartbreak and failures with them", when all through your first date with them they can't stop talking about their exhusband or exwife, usually with a visible layer of anger hovering over their words.

These people clearly are not ready for a new relationship, and when you run into one of them you should gently, kindly but firmly remove yourself from the situation.

This post was very enlightening. Thanks for that, Jellyfish, and keep up the good work.

#2017-11-26 15:02:57 by melcyan @melcyan

Jellyfish, great blog! I think you have opened the door to a very important discussion.

#2017-11-27 09:48:45 by RWByrum @RWByrum

I always find psychological theories interesting, Jellyfish, but I also often find myself wondering if they might be a little overly simplistic sometimes.  I seem to exhibit the fixed mindset in some areas but the growth mindset in others.  For example, I have absolutely no talent for drawing and I do not believe that any amount of practice will enable me to improve.  I do seem to have some talent for writing and I have been developing it for the last 17 years.

Did I exhibit a fixed or a growth mindset towards my own marriage?  I don't honestly know.  On the one hand I really didn't do anything to save it but on the other hand my relationship with my ex-wife was better after the divorce than it had been before it.

#2017-11-28 01:10:58 by QinQL @QinQL

有趣,Jellyfish, 把一部分人分成“具有成長心态的”, 另一部分为“具有固定心态的”。的确,生活中还真有蛮多这类人。前者多半体验成功幸福感多,后者多半喜欢抱怨。具有固定心态的人,之所以不求改变和学习,是因为在求改变和学习中,体验到努力的辛苦或痛苦,于是就轻易放弃了。“改变是痛苦的,但不改变会更痛苦。”哈,这句话也验证了您说的。
IT is interesting of the analyzation that there are mindset in us, Jellyfish. One is growth mindset , another is the fixed mindset. I suppose people with growth mindset usually could find happiness and enjoy their processes which are  most possibly hard and difficult. People with the fixed mindset would get used to complain about other people or something else. “Work is hard, but it would be harder without work”.

#2017-11-29 12:22:18 by melcyan @melcyan

@RWBryrum

Your observation that you have a fixed mindset for drawing and a growth mindset for writing is useful. As long as your mindset for drawing remains fixed you will greatly restrict your ability to improve your drawing. If your first step to improving your drawing is to just practice drawing every day then it is unlikely that you will improve much. So the first step to improving your drawing is to change your belief about your drawing ability.

 

At twelve years of age, I was given a book that claimed anyone can draw and it showed me what had to do to be able to draw. My first drawing was a cat's face and went on to do many other drawings over the next six months. I was told I had a "talent for drawing". I knew better. I had simply taken notice of the book techniques and practised proven strategies.

 

Can I draw now?  No. Why?  I simply have not practised the skills needed to be able to draw. Could I draw in six months time if I worked on it? Most definitely!

 

I remember a time when I was teaching a student who complained that he worked very hard but still got a much lower score than the top student who did very little work. I pointed out that at critical moments of the lesson the top student processed many times the information he did but did not show it. He had the capacity to mentally reframe the new concept in different ways and link it to previous concepts. He asked and answered questions in his head. He put questions on hold for a later time if he thought that it was not the best time to ask the teacher the question.

 

Every person I know who has a special skill or talent has worked at it in some way. My partner only dances once every two weeks. How can she be so good at it? My partner loves dancing. She observes others dancing with an eagle eye. She sometimes does mental practice in her head at home during the week. Every time she dances she tries to implement what she already knows and make small improvements.

 

What about relationships? A growth mindset is essential for developing a great relationship. Among other qualities, my partner is superstitious and a neat freak. My thinking tends to be much more scientific but I am also very untidy. In the last seven and a half years I have slowly become tidier and my partner has slowly become less superstitious. "Old dogs" can learn new tricks!

 

When it comes to dancing my partner has a stronger growth mindset than I do. For anything that is science related, I have a stronger growth mindset. We both have the belief that we can resolve any difficulty that arises in our relationship. We definitely both have a strong growth mindset regarding the quality of our relationship.

#2017-12-04 21:11:42 by jellyfish @jellyfish


@JohnAbbot, 

Thank you all your hard work and kind words. I will input more content which will benefit all on this platform. 

#2017-12-04 21:23:31 by jellyfish @jellyfish


@RWByrum, 

According to Dr. Dweck's analysis, all of us will have both mindsets in different areas of our life. There is always room for us to grow. 

You said that your relationship with your ex is better after divorce. More or less, you learned something in this marriage. What is working or what is not. The learning process is also a growth. 

This will help you in the next relationship. 

 

 

#2017-12-04 21:24:57 by jellyfish @jellyfish


@QinQL

謝謝你經常捧我場。

相信你很快會找到合适的伴侶,和你一同分享人生。

爱你。

 

#2017-12-06 08:46:19 by RWByrum @RWByrum


@jellyfish  That's very true, Jellyfish.  Hopefully, I'll actually be able to apply what I've learned as well.  I do look forward to your next blog entry.

#2017-12-06 19:11:44 by xiuliwang @xiuliwang

Thanks for all your sharing! Learn a lots here.

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