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John Abbot is co-owner of ChinaLoveMatch.net. Married to a lovely Chinese Lady and living in China, John knows and respects China, Chinese Women, Chinese People and Chinese Culture. His blog will include good stuff about Online Dating, Chinese Women, International Relationships and Things Chinese. Join John Abbot on Google+
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Welcome to America c/o The Department of Homeland Security    

By John Abbot
2544 Views | 7 Comments | 2/3/2012 9:51:55 PM

The revised DHS Threat Warning System. The original was equally idiotic but took itself seriously, whereas the revised version seems to recognize what a stupid idea the whole thing was. Courtesy of yahoopamphlet.com.

I receive a newsletter called The Daily Reckoning which is put out by a company that researches and recommends international investments. I'm not really in the league of true "international investors" but I find that stuff strangely interesting, especially when the information is coming from a source that is a little on the rebel side.

I just signed on for this one recently, and was very pleasantly surprised to find that it contained much more than the usual dry number crunching that frequently fills the pages of a newsletter about investing. In today's letter there were two stories that I thought were well worth repeating.

Neither of them are about China, Asia or Online Dating, but they are about the chaos and fear that is enveloping the world these days, which affects us where ever we happen to be. This first one is about the goings on in America, which, judging by this, is starting to make China look like the "Land of the Free".

While this story is extremely funny on the surface, below the surface is some seriously scary shit! I have many American friends and I don't know a single one of them who would defend or tolerate their government behaving like the Nazi's (disguised as the DHS) described here. Hopefully the citizens of America will rise up and get their wonderful country back on track as the leader of the free world that it once was.

From The Daily Reckoning
dr@dailyreckoning.com
www.dailyreckoning.com
Written by Joel Bowman

Lost In Translation

First up, a quick public service announcement for our International Reckoners:

If you’re planning a vacation to the United States of America in the foreseeable future, you would do well to refrain from employing any confusing colloquialisms in your social media updates prior to departure.

For Australians, that means no “cracking onto” members of the opposite sex...no getting “off one’s face”...no “tearing it up”...no “little rippers” and, we would think, no “barrakking” for anyone.

Our Irish friends will likewise wish to steer clear of referring to anything as “the gas,” from declaring intentions to “eat one’s head off” and from “throwing shapes,” “sucking diesel” or otherwise “effin’ and blindin’.”

We can only imagine to what extent our English Reckoners shall have to curb their delightfully colorful lingo to ensure a stateside journey (even relatively) free of let or hindrance at the gate, though we imagine no measure of self-censorship will be sufficient to guarantee a transit experience free of at least a touch of “Ye ol’ Liberty Grope.”

What’s all this caper then, eh? What’s the apple, the score, the bleedin’ apple core?

Apologies for the loose linguistics, weary reader. But a point begs its making; a point two British (would-be) tourists, Leigh Van Bryan and Emily Bunting, discovered the hard way just last week.

Apparently rather chuffed at the upcoming prospect of a wee jaunt over the pond, Van Bryan and Bunting engaged in a bit of online banter before their big trip to the US. Mistake number one. The two were perhaps unaware that the Department of Homeland Security routinely trolls the global social media digital waves, setting up accounts to listen in on prospective threats to...um...the “Homeland.”

We can only imagine the hysterical frenzy that whipped around the DHS H.Q. when they discovered what Van Bryan, 26, had posted.

“Free this week for a quick gossip/prep before I go and destroy America x”

Not that it should matter, but “destroy” is popular English slang for “party”...an easily Googlable fact, one would think, for the highly skilled heroes manning the control tower at the Twitter and Facebook Counter Terrorism and Special Operations Unit for Liberty and Freedom of the Homeland... Patriot... Liberty... uh, never mind.

After making their way through passport control at Los Angeles International Airport (LAX) last week, the pair were promptly detained by armed guards/heroes/patriots. But the real trouble was still to come.
The two were then informed that the DHS was on to their scheme to “destroy” (read: party in) America and (Could it be? No! Sweet Mother of Mercy!) their sick and twisted plot to dig up the grave of Marilyn Monroe!

“3 weeks today, we’re totally in LA p****** people off on Hollywood Blvd and diggin’ Marilyn Monroe up!”

The pair explained that the tweet, which the DHS had considered a grave matter of national security was, actually, a reference from Family Guy, a popular television show produced in the Homeland itself...behind patriot lines!

“They asked why we wanted to destroy America and we tried to explain it meant to get trashed and party,” explained Bunting. “I almost burst out laughing when they asked me if I was going to be Leigh’s lookout while he dug up Marilyn Monroe. I couldn’t believe it because it was a quote from the comedy Family Guy which is an American show.”

Department of Homeland Security staff, brave unwavering professionals as they are, were not deterred from their mission.

“It got even more ridiculous because the officials searched our suitcases and said they were looking for spades and shovels. They did a full body search on me too” explained Bunting.

Perhaps because grave-robbing spades and shovels have little to do with (most people’s idea of) partying, the DHS were unable to find any in the pair’s luggage or, strangely enough, on their person. Nevertheless, this was no time to take chances:

“I kept saying to them they had got the wrong meaning from my tweet but they just told me ‘you’ve really f***** up with that tweet boy’.”

Van Bryan, apparently thought to be the leader of the non-existent operation, was then cuffed, thrown in a cage inside a van and whisked away to a location where he could not be of harm to Homeland citizens.

Recounted the suspect:


“When we arrived at the prison I was shoved in a cell on my own but after an hour two huge Mexican men covered in tattoos came in and started asking me who I was... They told me they’d been arrested for taking cocaine over the border... When the food arrived on the tray they took it all and just left me with a carton of apple juice.”
After 12 hours in custody, the pair were returned to the airport where they were sent directly home...charge sheets in hand.

Emily “The Lookout” Bunting’s charge sheet stated: “It is believed that you are travelling with Leigh-Van Bryan who possibly has the intentions of coming to the United States to commit crimes.”

“Possibly has the intentions”? We can almost hear Special Twitter Task Force Agent Johnston saying, “That’s as good as a thought crime to me!”

Added the charge sheet of one Leigh “Happy Birthday Mr. President” Van Bryan:

“He had posted on his Tweeter website account that he was coming to the United States to dig up the grave of Marilyn Monroe. Also on his tweeter account Mr. Bryan posted that he was coming to destroy America.”

We’re not quite sure what a “Tweeter account” is, but you can be sure the vigilant servicemen and women at the DHS are on the case. Thank goodness the pair didn’t use the “we were only taking the Mickey” defense. Could you imagine the costs and hassle involved in having to put Disneyland on high security lockdown? We shudder to think.

So, to our International Reckoners, remember to travel safely both to and from the Homeland. And please, feel free to pass our public service announcement on.

Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
Comments
(Showing 1 to 7 of 7) 1
#2012-02-04 02:12:21 by bmccull @bmccull

While this story is funny (and pathetic), most people will not have to worry about such things if they visit the USA. It is a big country and there are bound to be a few zealots who are not quite with the program. Heck, I imagine there are occasional cultural misunderstandings in lil ole China too. ;-)

#2012-02-04 03:00:34 by canadianmike @canadianmike

John - I get a couple similar newsletters regarding investments. Mostly fodder, IMO, but one of them caught my eye. It's opening statement was "Go buy a gun". Yes, the U.S.A. is slowly losing their minds (not that saner heads prevail in Canada).
-Mike

#2012-02-06 06:37:51 by moondog @moondog

I also subscribe to the Daily Reckoning. I missed that article but have read several similar ones published in it. I agree with Bmccull that the occurrence of actual incidents like this are probably few and far between. However, one must bear in mind that, 20 years ago, ANY such incidents would be big news and met with outrage. I think of the case of the frog who is placed in a pan of cool water, then as the heat is cranked up, is cooked without its even knowing it.

I subscribe to another newsletter that is mainly concerned with assisting US citizens with relocating out of the country. Their most recent issue included an article about a gentleman who put on a seminar in Costa Rica to instruct ex-patriots how to reduce their US taxes as much as possible. I don't know whether the advice he was giving was illegal or not, but apparently the IRS did. When he got off the plane in Panama City, Panama - his current city of residence - there were two federal agents waiting for him on the jet way. They took him into custody.

The point here is, if someone in the US gov't suspects you, you're toast. At least in China, you won't find US agents waiting for you on the jet-way!

#2012-02-06 13:03:08 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

Hi Bmccull and Moondog - I tend agree that these types of incidents are few and far between, but I think each of you made an additional comment that is very telling.

Bmccull - "It is a big country and there are bound to be a few zealots who are not quite with the program." - very true, but those zealots should not ever be decision makers paid by the American Government to manage the nation's security. That is the last place "zealots who are not with the program" should be found, so either someone in DHS human resources is making some major hiring mistakes, or these particular zealots ARE "with the program". Either way, it appears that perhaps the "patients are starting to run the asylum".

Moondog - "I think of the case of the frog who is placed in a pan of cool water, then as the heat is cranked up, is cooked without its even knowing it." - this is a great analogy, and I think that key question is how well cooked is the frog at this point? To me, it seems he may be on the verge of croaking (pun intended)!

#2012-02-06 13:09:37 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

CanadianMike - I concur that Canada, and frankly Australia, the UK and most other democracies are sliding in their responsibility to defend the freedom of their citizens, but just as the USA was the leader of the modern world in the creation and defense of democracy and human rights, it now seems to be leading the rest of the world off of that path and into the ditch. Much, much to my personal regret - I've always been an admirer and supporter of the USA - but it's becoming difficult to remain one.

#2012-02-06 13:13:47 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

CanadianMike - I tend to concur that Canada, and frankly Australia, the UK and most other democracies are sliding in their responsibility to defend the freedom of their citizens, but just as the USA was the leader of the modern world in the creation and defense of democracy and human rights, it now seems to be leading the rest of the world off of that path and into the ditch. Much, much to my personal regret - I've always been an admirer and supporter of the USA - but it's becoming difficult to remain one.

#2012-02-21 18:16:44 by JAMES57 @JAMES57

john, i have read your article on america, and yes full agreement, we as americans must stand up for our old ways, when i grew up it was vietnam, hate american soldiers, hippies, love peace not war, smoke pot live longer and happier, well i was not one on beliefs that smoke pot was great, and helped live longer and happier, but it sure beat todays society here in america, the generations we have today are none to loyal to our old ways, they would rather sell the us out, and as for our leaders, its about money as usual,and a place in american history,our new leader obama, well he really sank the us, we figured that when they let him take office, and as we look for change in america, we are still up shit creek without a paddle, as for china land of free, when i see what takes place there in china, and the more i hear, we in america do not know how lucky we have it, i do not think most americans could walk 10 feet in a chinese citizens shoes, they would die of crying... well i just wanted to share my views, thank you for the opportunity john.. and keep up the great web site, its fantastic john... sincerely james57

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