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Born in the UK but now living in Australia, Paul Fox has travelled to many places throughout China. He has seen the lighter side, the darker side, both the gentle and the seedy sides. He documents his experiences and is willing to share them with anyone who wants to listen. He is not afraid to say things exactly how he sees them, and is quite happy to "name and shame" when necessary.
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We Come to Love Not By Finding a Perfect Person But By Learning to See an Imperfect Person Perfectly    

By Paul Fox
6344 Views | 20 Comments | 3/26/2015 5:01:42 PM

A Chinese Woman and Western Man who came to see each other perfectly. Can you do the same?

There’s been lots of talk here recently about ‘right and wrong’ when it comes to certain traditions and cultural issues. Barry has come under fire for his Day 22 part 2 blog and my Forum thread “What kind of man do you want to marry - another viewpoint’ has also received some interesting comments. Sometimes when there’s a difference in opinions, values, traditions and cultures, it’s easy for us to try and reinforce our own - but in reality there is no ‘right and wrong’ - it just ‘is’.



I have long tried to understand the ‘Hello, will you marry me?’ attitude that seems to be so prevalent in Chinese society, and the plight of the ‘Sheng Nv’ has gone a small way to try and explain it. However, in reality, with the ‘Hello, will you mary me?’ approach and the sheer desperation women have to marry the first person who comes along is, in my opinion, the main reason why divorce in China is so rampant.



When 2 people marry, the last thing on their minds is divorce. Everyone wants to be married for life, yet in China a ‘quickie marriage’ is just as fast as a ‘quickie divorce’.



I have been doing some research over the last couple of weeks that has allowed me to delve a little deeper into the human psyche and play around with different wants and needs depending on where peoples cultural heritage lies.

However, despite our different cultural heritage and background, I came across some very useful information that I think is worth sharing with you, simply because it relates to HUMAN feelings and needs, rather than cultural ones.

On a site like CLM that is bringing east and west together with the chance to share lives, I think it is important for both cultures to try and find some ‘middle ground’ rather than just accept one persons culture or tradition as being set-in-stone.

China may have 5000 years of culture, but that does not mean we have to accept EVERYTHING of traditional value - after all, we are not Chinese. Conversely, we westerners should not try and force our traditional values on Asian women because they differ too much from the Chinese ‘way’.



There is a great American author named ‘Sam Keen’ who has written many books on the subject of “Love”, one notable title being “Love and Be Loved” - which is well worth the read if you can find it.

Incidentally, the title of this blog is actually a Sam Keen quote



So first, let’s take a look at the qualities that most men look for in a potential girlfriend/wife. Based on internet research........



Like youself – men are generally attracted to women who are comfortable with themselves. He doesn’t want to have to boost your ego every time you say you feel fat or ugly because a man can feel hurt if he thinks you’re beautiful.

Be appreciative – if a woman appreciates things a man does for her he will go to the ends of the earth for her. Always tell him you appreciate the things he does, both big and small.

Be clear – men hate mind games and having to try and second guess what women want. He will see you as great girlfriend/wife material if you’re clear about what you need and the things you want to do.

Be a little Independent – although men love to feel they are needed and wanted, they often want to feel she has other interests outside the relationship. A girlfriend /wife who is too dependent on her man can quickly smother his affections.

Respect – many women don’t respect men at all - and they know it. They see them as overgrown schoolboys ruled by their smallest parts. This is grossly unfair and a man will know if you think this. A good girlfriend will take time to get to know him as an individual and show as much respect for him as she would for anyone else.

Approval – men are not unique in their desire for approval but when it comes to intimate relationships it’s vitally important that you communicate your wants and needs through approval rather than criticism. Tell him what he does well and he’ll want to do more. When you criticise him you withdraw your approval and make him feel he can never please you.

Prowess – a man wants to be the ‘king’ in his partner’s life so he’ll look for a girlfriend who helps him feel strong and capable. This applies in the bedroom as well as out. Every man wants to be told they’re a great lover and the more you compliment him the better he will become.

Equality – although a man may want to pay for meals or take care of you in the beginning, they are also looking for someone who won’t take advantage of their generosity.

Be open – men are attracted to women who make them feel good about themselves. For that to happen a woman needs to be open with her feelings. Body language, smiling, laughing and words of appreciation will help a man see the potential in a relationship.

Be ‘sexy’ – remember that ‘sexy’ is an attitude not your body shape or clothes. The animal instinct in a man responds to the  sexual energy you exude and what he is often looking for is a woman who responds to him in a positive way because it makes him feel desirable.



Things that make you a good ‘boyfriend/husband’ material



1. Cleanliness – its number one because it’s so important. If you’re going to meet a woman make sure you shower, brush your teeth and use some deodorant. Taking care of your appearance, your home and even your car if she’s going to ride in it are all marks of respect.

2. Be Attentive – Women love to talk and they want a man who’ll listen to them without rolling their eyes. Show the woman you care by paying attention to her, rather than just enjoying the attention she gives to you.

3. Good sense of humour – Make her laugh and try to help her see the lighter side of life. Not will it only make you feel good about yourself, but she’ll see you as someone who could be a real friend as well as a partner.

4. Be sensitive – you don’t need to wear your heart on your sleeve all the time but it’s important that you let her see you have a sensitive side even if you never let anyone else see it.

5. Be honest – There’s a lot of guys out there who think they are ‘playboys’. Women usually look for someone they can trust. Honesty can be demonstrated in small ways like being on time, doing what you say you are going to do and telling her the truth about how you feel.

6. Be respectful – It doesn’t matter who they are nor where they come from, all women  want to be treated with respect. That means caring about her feelings, supporting her and not messing her about.

7. Integrity – women respect men who have values, beliefs, principals and who will stand up for what they believe in. Men are often physically stronger but even if they aren’t, women want to know a man will stand up for her, protect her and be on her side when she needs it.

8. Be thoughtful – doing those little things without being asked, like sending her a message just to let her know you’re thinking of her or remembering something important that’s going on in her life - even if it doesn’t involve you. Offer to help when you can but don’t always assume she has a problem - sometimes she might just want you to listen.

9. Desire – no woman wants to be with a man who doesn’t find her attractive. However, she may soon lose interest if your desire is only shown in the bedroom. She needs to feel that it is her you desire rather than just her body. Show this through affection, compliments and don’t assume anything........ tell her!

10. Ability to commit – Most women (especially Chinese) want someone who shows that they have the ability to commit. Make arrangements and stick to them. Be up-front about your feelings for her. Consistency, stability in your work, friendships and family situations all go to show her that you are someone she can rely on.



A relationship is not a romance movie.

At certain times in our lives, we may be stuck with the belief that love is like the kind of romance we see portrayed in films - such as ‘Titanic’ for instance.

For some reason, I always feel that many Chinese women (especially Chinese), firmly believe that some kind of fairy-tale relationship actually exists.

They seem to believe that if they had a relationship with the ‘perfect prince’, then all would be well in their life.

In truth, a prince (or princess) is also human, they have faults and issues just like every person, no matter how wonderful he or she is.

It’s important to let go of the crazy notion that we need romantic love in order to find true happiness, and it maybe disappointing to realise that the ‘knight in shining armour rushing to save the damsel in distress’ is nothing more than a fallacy, but sorry girls, it is..

Unavailability fuels romantic expression.

It’s the kind of romantic story that can only work when there is an absence of the lover. They usually have to die in the end so their love can fit into this romantic view, or we sit eating loads of popcorn, waiting to see if they live happily ever after - and we never do.

This romantic love fantasy is nothing more than a substitute for real, genuine intimacy.

So how can we make workable and relationships?

Let’s start with the understanding of what we feel is pure love, and then try to update the romantic fairytale into a more healthier kind of love.

1. Use past relationships to learn how to love yourself more.

It’s not about having another person ‘complete you’ and by letting go of the romantic notion of becoming ‘one’ you’ll learn that the ‘distances’ often felt in a relationship are just as important as closeness.

2. See your partner for who they really are.

Romantic tragedies occur when you see the person you think you are in love with as a symbol of what they have come to represent in your mind. Just the idea of them. When you begin to realise you don’t really know your partner, you begin to discover who they are and how they change and evolve both inside and outside of the relationship.

3. Learn from each other.

See your partner as a mirror and learn from the reflection. How can you be a better person. When you feel upset, instead of blaming your partner and pointing the finger, try to stay awake and see what needs to be healed in yourself.

4. Spend a little time with yourself.

Love can’t rescue you from being alone. Learn to spend time just being with yourself.

Rarely, if ever can a married couple be together 24/7, and even if it were possible, it’s not healthy for your relationship.

5. Look closely at arguments.

Couples often create arguments just so they can make up over and over again. It allows them to continue the romantic trance, thus creating drama and avoiding real intimacy. If you know why you fear intimacy, you’ll have a better sense of why you’re fighting—and will probably argue far less.

6. Be who you are..

People try to grasp at romantic love because they yearn for something that is out of reach - something they perhaps see in another person that they think they do not possess themselves. Unfortunately, when we finally find love, we find also that we didn’t get what we were looking for. This is because true love can only exist when you love yourself first. You can only get from another person what you’re willing to give yourself.

7. Prepare to embrace the ordinary

After the fairy-dust has settled, we discover ‘ordinary’. We often do everything we can to avoid it. The trick is to see that ‘ordinary’ can become the real spark of intimacy. The day-to-day happiness of living life with your partner can, and does, take ‘ordinary’ into extraordinary.

8. Open your heart.

One thing that unites us all is that we all long to be happy. This happiness usually includes the desire to be close to someone in a loving way. In order to create real intimacy, get in touch with the size of your heart and bring awareness to everything that is good inside you.

It’s much easier to see the good in your partner when you can see the good in yourself.

9. Give your love.

Genuine happiness is not about feeling good about ourselves simply because other people may love us - it’s about how well we love ourselves and others. Often the outcome of loving others deeply is that we are loved more deeply.

10. Forget your expectations.

Looking at things such as fairy-tale romance and constant togetherness in order to fill a void in your life will immediately cause suffering. If you avoid giving love to yourself, you will put your sense of insecurity in someone else.

Use your own inner self to offer love and attention to yourself when you need it. Then you can allow love to come to you instead of putting expectations on what it needs to look like in your own mind

These are only a few ways to explore real intimacy.


Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
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#2015-03-26 17:17:15 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

This is really quite and incredible post Paul, and it could easily be the one essential guide for all members to discover the art not of finding their perfect match, but instead of recognizing him or her when she/he is knocking on their door. On top of that it is well laced with the things to do to help their new found love to recognise them as his or her perfect match as well.

It should be required reading for anyone on a cross cultural dating site with hopes of finding true love.

Well done Paul, really well done.

#2015-03-27 10:23:53 by melcyan @melcyan

Paul, well done with your internet searches.

The words that you have gathered from your internet searches and included in your blog make for very informative and educational reading. However, they somehow don't quite gel with your previous writings.

Are we witnessing the metamorphosis of a "new Paul"?

I am looking forward to the comments generated by your blog.

#2015-03-27 22:24:54 by sandy339 @sandy339

@melcyan
hehe I think Paul now is a changed man by Red (The Shawshank Redemption):)(giggle)

#2015-03-28 09:48:37 by Macchap @Macchap

@melcyan: Hear hear.
Paul is on a roll. Seeing Paul's blogs lately, Paul's in a certain state of mind.
I appreciate the time you take to share your thoughts with us.
I wonder would the Chinese members read this or is it just a select group of "white" people that read these entries (and respond)?
During my short time on the website I have noticed - as Paul has mentioned in his post - two things:
- the high rate of divorcees (all ages)
- how the women write/think about love. It is devoid of any sense of reality, almost childlike. You're looking at it through rose-colored glasses, girl. On the other hand, it can also be referred to poetry.

#2015-03-28 13:54:26 by paulfox1 @paulfox1

@melcyan
Thanks for your comments.
This blog was meant to be in a completely different style to my usual one for reasons that should be obvious if you look at the content of the blog.

Not even an 'asshole' like me can be an 'asshole' all the time lol
And NO, my friend, you are not witnessing a metamorphosis - just a different style of writing for a different type of blog

#2015-03-29 16:33:02 by melcyan @melcyan

@Macchap

I often use the internet to research topics that interest me. I also like doing a copy and paste of interesting comments made on blogs I that I read on this site and other non-dating sites so that I can do a search on the sources for those comments. There is free software on the internet for teachers to use to identify the sources of student work that anyone can use.

I wonder why others don't research information on topics that interest them for themselves. Many men would be reading the information contained in Paul's blog for the first time. It should not be that way. If you are serious about finding a life partner why wouldn't you do this research yourself.

I would love to know how this information is presented on Chinese web sites (@sandy339 can you help? - it would be a great blog for me to read)

If you want to know how Chinese women write and think about love then I strongly recommend that you supplement what you read here with research of your own. Over the years the most important lessons that I have learned about women and more recently Chinese women have been primarily about me.

Before you can know and love someone else you need to know and love yourself first. Most men struggling to find a life partner simply do not understand what that last sentence means.

I just googled that sentence. The second entry that google generated was this -

http://elitedaily.com/dating/sex/why-you-must-first-love-yourself-before-you-can-love-another/

for those who struggle with using the internet here is a copy of the text of that website.

The Truth Is That You Must First Love Yourself Before You Can Love Another
- by Ricardo Martinez.

He or she is the most wonderful person you have met. Everything seems perfect, nearly too good to be true.
You are truly happy; your glow is visible from miles away. All of your friends love this new person in your life, aside from one or two skeptics. Regardless, you try to convince yourself that the naysayers are wrong.
Time passes and the relationship has begun to plateau, even decline. Over time, the thoughts of those skeptical friends begin to resonate even more deeply. Still, something in you is crying for you to hold on, to not give up just yet.
Love Yourself First
Healthy relationships occur between two people who are comfortable with themselves, in addition to one another. Love only develops after making your own happiness a top priority.
The majority of us are so scared to accept our flaws that we often fall in love while in relationships for the wrong reasons.
Whether it is to battle loneliness, settle down to appeal to comfort or to ease away pain, happiness means much more when it’s obtained as a result of working toward becoming the person you want to be.
Self-growth is quite sexy; it leads to thorough self-awareness and healthier, more realistic aspirations of desires in a significant other. Be selfish; focus on you.
Over the years, people change. Be the one who progresses, not the one who regresses. Learn what makes you strive for greatness, what makes you angry, what makes you tick, what makes you live for more — your goals, passions, disappointments.
Get out of your comfort zone, empower your thoughts, explore your dreams, succeed continuously, fail until you hit rock bottom. Once you have achieved this mindfulness, your union with another individual will more likely flourish rather than set you back.
Time is the only game no human will ever master; we cope with this by pressing forward, no matter the circumstances that arise.
How many times have you gotten mad at yourself for missing opportunities, chances, people or for being stuck in the past and allowing it to compromise your future?
Live a little, learn more about yourself and start smiling; gain a greater understanding of who you want to be and love that person. Happiness needs to be your biggest project and it only requires one set of hands: your own.

Long Run
We often focus too much on the now and too little on the future. The present should feel right; it should be enjoyed in the moment. It should not be lived for the purpose of filling a void.
This void does nothing but provide temporary peace of mind to satisfy emotional needs born out of exerting effort.
Once that hollow space appears, a replacement will find its way in. Create the opportunity to control what makes you happy. Managing your personal contentment and prosperity should be a lifestyle choice.
Tailor your dreams and hang on to the one that makes you, you.
Change can only come from within; otherwise, it won’t be permanent. We should concentrate on changes that push us and make us strive to feel blessed. If you find yourself in a position in which you constantly want your significant other to change, it’s probably time to cut losses.
Often, we try to mend other’s scars by taking their lashes while succumbing to a fantasy in which love can heal all pain. Focus on recovering from your wounds before trying to patch up someone else’s.
Nobody is perfect, but there is a fine line between denying reality and settling for less simply to temporarily feel good. Start living without regrets, only live with learned lessons.

Dig Deep
I recently realized that you attract what you are. You know that feeling when meeting somebody and you instantly have chemistry? That instant, magnetic connection that’s overwhelming and difficult to ignore? The one that stimulates all your senses but cannot be explained?
If you are awesome, you will attract awesomeness. If you are a mess, you will attract a mess. Work on your issues to become self aware about where you have room for improvement.
There is nothing more gratifying than adjusting the side-view mirror on your life to look back and see how much you’ve grown.
Strive to be in a relationship in which both parties have discovered themselves independently. Trying to find this clarity from someone else will lead to a downward spiral of inconsistent contentment.
Dig deep within to demonstrate your worth. It is perfectly okay to be single and to love yourself.
The status of “in a relationship” should not reflect a dependency on someone else, but rather, the power of togetherness. Be careful and be picky with whomever has the honor to hold your heart. Make your destiny a destination of choice, not chance.
Focus on obtaining experiences that will benefit you in the long run. After all, happiness is an individual state of mind that is in your possession. You hold the key to the lock that is life. Beware of love and do not allow access to any unworthy individual.

#2015-03-29 17:43:50 by belle777 @belle777

Hi Paul, thank you for your new article, you are a very smart guy and wish you good luck
I also can't understand this special greeting like Will you marry me? and I guess it is not a popular saying in China, also Sheng Nv is not a serious problem in cities, and they don't have to marry the first man they meet, I noticed many women here are actually divorced with kids, divorced women are not Sheng Nv, I see many Sheng Nv live a happy and easy life in Shenzhen, and yet they didn't lose the hope to find their other half, so to choose to be Sheng Nv or not, depends on how women see things, either they insist on finding the one they love and they may take the risk to be alone for many many years, or they just want to marry quickly, so to get rid of the Sheng Nv title

#2015-03-30 17:42:41 by anonymous13211 @anonymous13211

@paulfox1

Personally, I think this is the best article writen by you so far there you have clear thinking,ample information, intelligent suggestions or reminding and valuable and helpful for the readers.If you wrote this article truely from your deep heart instead just for words game like attracting more eyes or audience around,I am sure you will be closer and closer to your final purpose to be here...

This is the first time I am feeling enjoyable and comfortable when read your article, hehe.I wish you can keep this going on.I can feel your respect to yourself and the others as well.When I get some time, I would try to search the book you mentioned and I think it should be a good book for relationship development.Yes,reading and experiencing can widen our eyesight and make us to understand more about us,others, the world,the new things and those differences...

I believe in the "rule of attraction"(secret), we often attract the same type person around as us.When we are feeling the others around is not good, it also tell us we are not good enough too.Then it is very necessary to look back ourselves, self-reflect, learn and make improvements with us.When it is empty inside, we can't easily keep and accomplish a successful and fulfilling relationship too. Let's do more inner works about ourselves.When we are becoming better and better, the better person will miracly show in our life and all people around or related relationship will change better correspondingly.

#2015-03-31 06:32:36 by paulfox1 @paulfox1

@belle777

"Hello, will you marry me" is a phrase that I invented all by myself in order to highlight what, in my opinion, seems to be the crazy notion of many Chinese women who live in fantasy land and would quite happily marry anything that can breathe in order to 'end their single life'
There's another blog coming up that will explain this further, but in the meantime check out my "Desperate Divorced Woman" blog as this will explain it more

#2015-03-31 15:43:40 by belle777 @belle777

@paulfox1
Your idea of some Chinese women who just want to marry whatever men is not true, they are certainly very selective, otherwise they won't be single, you should know China have much more male population than female.
For a women who just wants to marry a Westerner, not selective at all, I think a smart guy would know what her real purpose is.
As I can see on this forum, there are so many good women here, and most of the ladies here are serious looking for life partner, and they are very selective and careful.
If your presumption of desperate women are from your own experiences, then I think maybe you should step back and think about one thing: why you always met such kind of ladies?
But if you are only interested in doing some research on desperate women, then please disregard my above comments, and I am looking forward to your new articles.

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