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I spent 20 years punching a time clock... then decided there had to be another way. Right now I'm sitting in a comfortable chair on a beautiful beach. There's a sweet, soft breeze in the air. In front of me, on the clear blue water, a boat drifts by. Maybe I'll go snorkeling this afternoon, or work on my tan. This is my kind of tropical paradise... cheap and unspoiled!
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War of the Worlds!    

By Ken Silver About Asia
4999 Views | 12 Comments | 5/7/2015 3:53:17 PM

Funny how things go round.... Here I was in San Francisco, talking to cardboard boxes again, just like I did in the Sixties...  We kept it quiet, but Hilary Clinton and I once had a torrid, admittedly strange, love affair.  Each night I'd dress up in an American flag and my Sweet Hot Hillary would attach electrodes to my genitals and throw the switch.

Vote Hillary for President! She's got the experience to electrify the American working class!

Then, one fatal night, I picked up the ringing phone in our bedroom Bangkok love nest.  Two A.M., and some idiot on the phone screaming about a Benghazi! I glanced over to where Darling Hillary was asleep, exhausted from far too often changing her positions on me.

“There is no Mr. Ben Ghazi here”, I said, hanging up.

Executioner Hillary literally sacked me out for that! As a parting gift she made me an Endangered Species, which meant I got free first class air tickets to San Francisco.

So here I was, San Francisco.  Attending the “Everyone's a Pixel!” conference. The conference's basic premise - taken from the second Captain America movie - is that citizens of America are so defined, labeled, and judged by one dimensional concepts such as “Racist”, “Sexist”, “Rich”, “Attractive”, “Helpful”,  “Poor”, “Young”, “Old”, “Scammers”, “Homophobic”, “Pervert”, “Insensitive To Cross Cultural Issues” and such that they in effect have been reduced to pixels, those basic one dimensional dots of computer screen light which are completely manipulated, enhanced,  - or eliminated -  as the corporate need arises.

So, if you look at a high school gymnast twice, you risk getting tagged with Pixel Point 3 - Pervert. 

Make an ethnic remark and you are going down with the burden of Pixel Point 2 - Racist.  Make a racist remark about a high school gymnast and its the double whammy!  Minus 5! You can maybe recover with Pixel Point 4 – Repentant - as long as no Transgender issues are involved.

And of course, let’s not forget ones “Credit Rating Score”.

This, the conference speakers pronounced, was a good thing!  It would turn irresponsible American citizens into mature Global Citizens. I was confused. I had always thought the definition of Global Citizen was “I'm with stupid”.

Obviously, I was in danger of being tagged with Pixel Point 7!  (Uncaring to Unseen Others).

I figured quickly it was Politically Correct of me - a unique Pixel Point, both plus 6 and negative 6! - to take a toilet break.

The Mens' room had this sign on its padlocked door...

“Toilet out of order. Since America is part of the global family of nations, this toilet is firmly woven into the fabric of the rest of the toilets of the world and therefore this broken toilet is not a local plumbing problem but actually is part of the global plumbing problem.  It is impossible to fix this toilet without first fixing all the toilets of the Third World. Sorry for the inconvenience.”

Well, in solidarity with my Third World Friends I went outside to Union Square Park and pissed in the bushes. (By the way, did you know the prestigious St Francis Hotel on Union Square here in SF has a huge, mile long video screen behind its mile long Front Desk which clearly shows what everyone is doing in next door Union Square Park?)

Soon, in the carefree night, I was speaking to a cardboard box which was begging for spare change on traffic jammed Powell Street.

Sad story indeed.  Its human owner had entered a package shipping store and ask the female clerk if she had a tight cardboard box. Innocent mistake! Pixel Point 8! As punishment he was sent to the Global Citizen Camp at Guantanamo. The box itself was scheduled to be sent to a Recycling Center.  At the last moment it escaped, due to the complete impossibility of any sane human ever understanding just what gets recycled where.

The cardboard box, when I told it about the Pixels conference, had a good cardboard laugh.

“That is just brainwashing for white American citizens,” it said. “The large immigrant populations pay absolutely no attention to any of that mental crap. They just make money and expand their empires. Meanwhile, the whites watch all that with a phony, brittle, well, cardboard smile.” (Like mine, the cardboard box said thoughtfully, but more, well, papery white.) “They can't afford to be labeled with any negative Pixel Points, you see.

So, they can only create more Pixel Points of morality for themselves and get edgier with other white citizens and get downright bitchy with the people making their cappuccinos. And, chase after anything labeled “Good for You”, as those things create more positive Pixel Points rankings.

Meanwhile the immigrants just buy more American real estate while the whites study Asian etiquette and moan about Life in the West. You know what, human?  It's the biggest nonviolent land grab in all of recorded human history!”

An awkward silence fell between us.

“There is a sucker born every minute”, I remarked rather lamely. And, “I'm an endangered species, myself”.

Huh!

Cardboard Box for President!

You know, maybe that's why I love Southeast Asia.

Here in tropical paradise there is only one criteria. How much money can be transferred from you the foreigner to the pockets of the natives.

Nobody cares to label me with Pixel Point 27 -Slimy Smelly Old Lecher; or complement you with Pixel Point 1 - Not a Racist!

Yeah, we have the old analog values over here – “Cheap Date” and “Big Spender”. Lawyers cook Pad Thai noodles on the street to make a living because nobody here uses or needs them.

Goddamn it, over here dogs and cats are cooked, not catered to!

The only whores over here are the police!

People over here laugh when they are embarrassed at being caught at a lie, which is a heck of a lot more practical than laughing when something is funny! And puts a heck of a lot more laughter in the air!

It’s still plain speaking which rules the day over here. I once entered a Bangkok massage parlor and inquired what were the details of the “Four Ball Massage” advertised in their windows.

“It means two woman massage your balls”, they told me.

Hillary Clinton, can you say the same?

Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
Comments
(Showing 1 to 10 of 12) 1 2 More...
#2015-05-07 16:22:32 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

I know there are people who don't quite understand Ken Silver, or even appreciate him, but I am not among them. No other blogger makes me laugh as much as Ken does, in his Monty Pythonesque way, and I really appreciate the chance to laugh. To "get" Ken, forget your pretensions to political correctness, forego your self righteousness, and just kick off your shoes, pour yourself a liberal libation and settle in to enjoy the ride.

Don't try to think your way through Ken's stuff, don't bother to question it and don't waste your time searching for the hidden meaning; just look for the outstanding humor and keep asking yourself, 'how did that thought pop into his brain?"

That is not to say there isn't deep meaning. Frequently there is a depth that can astound, but if it doesn't leap out at you and rattle your brain into life, don't worry about it. Because it's really about the fun.

For example, speaking of the white middle class, Ken writes "So, they can only create more Pixel Points of morality for themselves and get edgier with other white citizens and get downright bitchy with the people making their cappuccinos."

If "and get downright bitchy with the people making their cappuccinos" doesn't sum up the complete self inflicted down-slide of the white race into being a meaningless bump on the backside of the world in the funniest way possible, then what does?

Really Ken, I do not know how that thought popped into your mind, but I am thankful that it did. Thanks for making me laugh at myself! Cheers, Bud(beer)(clap)

#2015-05-07 20:25:08 by Barry1 @Barry1

@twilightsmith

"I once entered a Bangkok massage parlor and inquired what were the details of the “Four Ball Massage” advertised in their windows.“It means two woman massage your balls”, they told me"

Very intriguing stuff, Ken.

But really, I think some of the dear Chinese ladies out there reading this may have trouble understanding exactly what you mean, especially given the awkward machine Chinese translation of it.

For the sake of our sensitive Chinese lady friends - bless their hearts - I'm sure they'd be most indebted to you if you could please elaborate and explain more fully what you mean here?

For example, speaking on behalf of the ladies - are you referring to some sort of ball game such as soccer, ping pong or football? If so, why would the balls in question need to be massaged? :^)



#2015-05-08 02:46:20 by RobertB @RobertB

Excellente!!! Actually I think that although all those labels achieve some sort of social stigma attack rating for rising 3 .. (It means no one got killed probably by this but it is a good chance to get to level 5. (that is when everyone knows who is labelled and how. ).
All goes well before level 8 is reached. (People are willing to destroy the enemy of the "people"). Of'course then dreaded level 11 is not far. (People start going overboard - that means they either stop being bothered by it or they head straight for level 13.
That means the label becomes a heroic mark and anybody who is not that can be immediately acclaimed enemy of the "people"
World goes round What once was will be again,
So, here we go. I do not want to say that but many people start moving now the levels and if enough people reach mixture between 9 and 13 then best thing left will be meditation and prayer.Or to enjoy what is left or will be left of life.
I am in very good mood. Yet I can see that what is said or written across the globe.. is not very far from scary books of the Ancients.
That is one reason why I laugh when people say about progress and getting more modern. More and more can be found about ancient civilizations that got long time before destroyed in nuclear blasts of the righteous...
Even now all the most politically correct people want to force on others the most human ways of life even if this means destroying anything that is truly human.
No wonder. It is said that it must be so.
I think that all is very simple. Anyone that is friendly should be rewarded
Anyone that is hostile will be loved with the love that is most appropriate for this entity.
Here, we get to the main point.
If someone is excluded in mind from human circle will not be protected.
Anyone who is included even if appears to be a cat or a dog in appearance will be protected.
So, this is life. Consciousness and awareness is the most important as this allows us to contact the FORCE. (Thanks to old-fashioned Star Wars trilogy it is easier to talk about such things without getting to grips with religion or heavy philosophy.
I once said that there are in fact two forces in the Universe -- Love and life.
Life is cruel at times as it demands change. Love accepts as it is .
Maybe I manage to write more in the near future.

#2015-05-08 02:52:00 by RobertB @RobertB

Now I read till the end and got more of it and had a laugh.
That is the reason why we like to get closer to other cultures which it seems are more pure and more true.
In the West we have got clogged in trying to be the most correct as we or some other people listened to big or small leaders who are later blamed for things that the others feel responsible for although they were born much later.
I do not write to clearly as I do not want to be labeled in any way. I can be labeled a fool but that is ok. I

#2015-05-11 23:05:30 by paulfox1 @paulfox1

@kensilver
Well done mate! I had to laugh at your remark about lawyers cooking Pad Thai on the streets - lol - you are correct because being 'Sued' has a totally different meaning in Thailand
"Help, I'm being SUED" usually means that 3 or 4 girls named 'Sue' are in your hotel room and you have so much fun that you can't wait to tell all your mates the next day that you got 'Sued' last night - lol

As for the police being 'whores', I must disagree slightly because when a whore takes your money, she usually gives you something in return !

As for 'plain speaking' ......awesome!
Cardboard box for president mate - I'm definitely with you on that one!

Oh and @Barry1, in this case when Ken says 'Balls' he is most definitely referring to the testicular variety.......you really should get out more mate !(rofl)

#2015-05-13 11:09:16 by twhite725 @twhite725

Inspiring, thought provoking, challenging! Well done. Like poetry, don't analyze it too closely. I get the four ball massage: simple arithmetic, two times two equals four.

#2015-05-15 01:12:07 by twhite725 @twhite725

It's surrealism, Dada. What Salvador Dali did with painting. Some people find this kind of irrational illogical writing psychologically satisfying and fulfilling. Others do not. Depends... my impression is that Germans generally do not. They prefer order and structure. What about Chinese?

#2015-05-15 16:10:06 by Barry1 @Barry1

@twhite725

"It's surrealism, Dada."

Well spoken. I fully agree with you, TWhite.

Most Chinese ladies here have no idea how to take Ken Silver's articles. They're incomprehensible to them. Ken may as well be talking in ancient Martian or outer Swahili, as far as they're concerned.

I happen to like Dali's surrealism, just as I enjoy Ken's writing. I admit though, his irreverent style isn't for everyone.

If I was a Chinese lady, I'd have absolutely no clue whatsoever about what he was writing about.

Keep on blogging, Ken. You have a hard core of very interested followers out here! (clap)

#2015-05-15 22:07:56 by sunrise68 @sunrise68

I have no clue about this article.

#2015-05-17 10:57:09 by Barry1 @Barry1

@sunrise68

"I have no clue about this article."

Please don't feel bad about this, Sunrise68. Please know that in the female population of China of over half a billion souls, only about three or four ladies would have any clear idea what Ken writes about.

So if we do the maths, that's less than one lady in every 100 million, who has any clue whatsoever about Ken's articles. So you're in good company and far from being alone in this baffling matter. (rofl)

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