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WAR ON CROCODILES!    

By Ken Silver About Asia
4235 Views | 5 Comments | 11/11/2013 3:47:32 PM

President Obama looked up from his desk.  “You said you had a plan to boost my administration in the polls?”  I nodded, “Its simplicity itself, sir.  Reinvent your war. From now on… War on Crocodiles! Why War on Terror when you can War on Crocodiles!



Nobody likes the scaly bastards! Know how they kill you? They drown you! After waiting for a week, and just watching you! They could grab you easy on any of the first six days but they wait for the seventh day, when God is resting! Then, on that seventh day when you come down to the edge of the river to gaze spellbound at your own reflection ….Splash! Wham! They pounce! Hello, Crocodile Death Spin!  Goodbye to your beloved men’s magazines!



I mean, nobody likes them!



Besides, Mr. President, well, frankly, “War on Terror”, as a catchy phrase, well, frankly, it’s just sooo Gay. You wearing panties under those power pinstripe trousers, Boss?  “War on Crocodiles” is just so much more masculine.”



The President cleared his throat.” I believe that particular phrase was my predecessor’s idea.”



“Anyhow, just think of your approval rating when you launch the War on Crocodiles! War on Terror Crocodiles! Or, the War on Crocodile Terror.  Or, the Terror of War Crocodiles - No More!”



I paused.  “Nah got to put “War” first. So our “Crocodile Death Spin Wounded Veterans Tribute” rings a chord in people’s hearts when they see and hear it on CNN.”



Obama scowled. “Islam’s good enough a villain for me. Any religion that doesn’t play baseball makes a good enough target for me. Besides, we are working hard on getting allies through the harem angle. You know, Bin laden was a dating site scammer, beautiful Chinese girls end up in his harem, China join our fight!  Still, our poll numbers are down. So…, you’re saying the slogan would be “Crocodiles…worse than Islam!”



“Can I tell you something, Mr. President? My deepest secret?”



“No”.



“Sometimes in the middle of the night when it’s so dark and it’s so spooky, spooky, dooly spadoky spooky that I’m afraid to even play with myself, cause maybe I’ll reach down there and my thing has turned into a crocodile; well I just lie still, looking up at the ceiling and I wonder if maybe even God is afraid of His Crocodiles. Afraid of what he made. Maybe he isn’t resting on the 7th day. Maybe he’s timidly looking away while the crocodiles pick up his slack and go to work! Hey, is that what the heathens call Ying Yang?



And so here is the pitch, Mr. President!   “When even God is afraid, who will stand up to fight?  Fight on the Seventh Day? The United States!  Who else! Of course! Don’t we always!”



Obama was thoughtful. “Crocodiles, Worse than Islam! Well, it might work. And I guess they would be an easy target for the drones…”



“Sir, Maybe in the churches of our great nation the pastors and reverends should be shouting “And on the Sabbath day He looks away, cause those crocs are goanna chomp somebody bad Amen!”



“Mr. Silver, there is one thing you are overlooking….”



“Amen Hallelujah to that, sir! Of course, that message would go over super well in the South. They know about alligators there.  Speaking of which, I’m afraid in time, for strategic reasons, we will have to launch a covert war on alligators. That will require secret funding, perhaps through Obamacare. I know, we’ll fine people for being too poor to afford insurance!”



“You are an idiot!”



“Amen Hallelujah to that sir!  God’s Truth!  Of course, it will be hard to get our ally Saudi Arabia on board, it being a desert country and all.  Can’t see the desert for the sand, you know.  And they don’t care much for our Western culture, or cross cultural Issues like being pulled screaming into a lake by a monster.  Especially if it’s a woman being pulled in. They don’t see it as being any worse than a woman driving a car.  Maybe we will have to stage an incident. They have sewers in Saudi Arabia? Course they do, solid gold ones too, from the money we buy their oil with.  Sure, we have Secretary of State Kerry sit down on one of those diamond studded toilets with the elephant ivory handle and as he’s sitting there reading The Wall Street Journal,  Chomp!



Then of course, we need a popular war song. Something even the ladies would like. For the refrain I hear a deep voice country western type singer, going “Yeah it’s a swamp but at least it ain’t Vietnam“, and a more fun voice going “This time it’s a real swamp we’re fighting in! Tell Mary Lou we’re darn well at it again!



And, of course, the media shots of one of those big pickup trucks, a brawny Marine driving it, truck bed filled with dead crocodile heads…! Well, the ladies are on board, sir!



O.K.! Here is the sweetener of my pitch, Mr. President.  I can get Israel on board.  Spread the rumor crocodiles hate the Jews. Or, maybe that the crocodiles are working on building an atomic bomb.”



The President sighed.  “Ken, some folks on my staff might think you are right, but there’s one point you may well have overlooked.”



“Sir”?



Obama’s hand streaked to his forehead and pulled hard! His entire face –just a mask! –pulled away, revealing the horrible jaws of an enormous salt water crocodile!



“Wake up Kenny,” it roared!  “You’re having a bad dream!”



Well, I woke up, and sure enough it was all a bad dream!



Then I turned on the television to catch the news…


Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
Comments
(Showing 1 to 5 of 5) 1
#2013-11-11 16:23:23 by twilightsmith @twilightsmith

@kensilver, meet @barry1, and vice versa. You two guys deserve each other! Talk about HitchHiker's Guide to the Galaxy style and Monty Pythonisc wit, all wrapped up in a psychedelic package with a candy coated bow, you two guys have a lock on irreverence run wild! I love it!

Ken, is it safe to say you're not Mr. Obama's favourite writer?

#2013-11-11 18:51:25 by Barry1 @Barry1

@kensilver .

Very funny stuff, thanks for sharing, Ken.

It actually reminded me of a true story of an incident that occurred some time ago in the northern part of Australia. Several people went camping in the Top End scrub but after a few days, one of them went missing.

Quite alarmed, the rest of the campers went searching for him, to no avail. A day passed, then two, then three. An all out search then was initiated, covering in minute detail the entire area.

The only thing of possible significance that was found was one shoe and some drag marks in the sand near a creek there. The locals then confirmed that a giant crocodile did in fact inhabit the area. It didn't take everyone long to figure out what had happened.

A hunting party then went out and within a few nights search using traps and baits, located and then shot the big croc. It was duly dissected and sure enough, in the belly of the beast, were the half digested remains of a man.... missing one shoe.

This is but one of many alarming croc stories I could regale you with. Suffice to say that indeed, given half a chance, a giant Australian crocodile wouldn't hesitate for a second, if he could grab you. Even a crocodile skin handbag or pair of croc shoes are quite dangerous, in my view. Maybe they come sometimes with a giant set of teeth too, hidden away somewhere?

#2013-11-12 09:10:30 by nihao890 @nihao890

I'll take irrelevant and tedious for $100 Alex.

#2013-11-12 09:56:32 by Barry1 @Barry1

@twilightsmith .

Thanks for the kind words, Mr Twilightsmith.

Gotta love that name, by the way. :)

It sounds very much like you were a founding member of "The Twilights" - a wonderful honour indeed to meet you, sir.

Alongside "The Easybeats" and "The Masters Apprentices", "The Twilights" were considered to be one of the most significant Australian rock groups of the 1960s. Highly popular with teenage audiences, they were renowned for their musical excellence and live prowess, as well as their on-stage humour, and were held in high respect by fellow musicians.

Good onya, mate! It's too bad we don't have sound on this website, otherwise I'd love to hear you bellow out the 1966 "Needle in a Haystack" song, one of my favourite "Twilight" tunes. If you haven't heard it, check out the great black and white clip of it on YouTube! :)

#2013-11-13 01:40:22 by twilightsmith @twilightsmith

@Barry1@Barry1 Thanks for the kind words! Nah, not Australian, just another guy staring off into space, nursing a beer at a bar.

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