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Sarah Wang, a native Chinese, who could let you know more about Chinese culture and traditional custom and the way how Chinese female think and etc via the blogs. With these information, you might understand your Chinese spouse easier and reduce the clash between you and her. Certainly, I also would like to see more cultures from you through CLM platform. Everybody is my eyes.
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Understanding the Clash Between International Couples    

By Sarah Wang
9899 Views | 23 Comments | 5/14/2010 1:10:38 PM

According to the survey of the Foreign Marriage Registration Office of Civil Administration of Jiang Su province, it states that there are over one thousand people married with alien in 2009, 90% of them are female. Recently the cross-border marriage soars in China. However, love and faith and sincerity are the essential prerequisite for a good and stable relationship. Besides these, what else?... It must be the understanding and respect. But what cause the clash of the international couples? Now let’s take a look.

The first of all is the completely different culture. Usually when Chinese couples go out for dinner or watch movies, the man pays the bill to prove that he is able to support the spouse in finance. What’s more, the guy who owes a flat and vehicle is much easier to get married in China. For the westerners, it is used to make the Dutch treat between the couples. Also for the housing, they share the rent or the loan. Marriage is nothing to do with the real estate in the western society.

Another point is the foreigners regard the privacy as the priority. The girlfriend or wife can not use and check her man’s cell phone or laptop without permission. Mostly Chinese female will be irritated by their man if they need ask for such a kind of permission. They deem: “I and my stuffs are yours, and vice versa. So it is no need permission to use and check your stuffs. If you don’t allow or angry about it, it means you have the secrets, such as affairs with other woman… “

One of the vital reason caused divorce is the habit of having the food. In the west the bread and potato are the major food instead of the rice and noodle for Chinese. Therefore, some wives lost their appetite gradually after they settled down their husbands’ state. And they flied back China frequently. Long term separation led to split up.

Secondly, it is the individual characters. Somebody are introverted who doesn’t talk much but having strong passion inside. But when they are not good at the expression of their emotions, which is easily caused the misunderstanding of the other party.

Last but not least, it ought to be the hobbies. Lots of foreigners like working out, i.e. hiking, swimming, jogging and etc. Except sports, they like watching movies and taking the pictures and traveling. For the latter interests, many Chinese women love them too. But they are lack of doing physical exercises and prefer to go shopping and have sleeping rather than go the gym.

In general, if the international couples could make a great compromise without argument for the above clash, they will be joyful in a harmony forever.

Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
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#2010-05-02 00:14:37 by danjianada @danjianada

That is wise advice for couples in China, and for any couple anywhere in the world. 说的好. I think another factor could be language. It is strange that some mixed couples consist of a bilingual woman and a man who is not interested in learning Chinese. That would be missing an opportunity to know each other more.

#2010-05-03 01:01:50 by histguy @histguy

The comment about checking the man's cell phone or his don't find this a bit rude, without asking? I think it would be the equivalent of a man searching through a woman's purse in the hopes he finds some "evidence". This makes no sense to me unless there is suspicion of an affair. In addition, just hopping on to your spouse's laptop and checking their email may cause problems for him (business-wise or configuration-wise). By reading his emails, he may not see them as "new"...that could cause problems which have nothing to do with your relationship. Personally, I would say yes all the time to my wife, but it's nice to ask first. Furthermore, won't the woman have her own email account(s)? And type to her friends in Chinese characters? Isn't that cause for suspicion? Good topic!

#2010-05-03 03:42:23 by daggett @daggett

I'm actually very encouraged by all of this. I'm perfectly fine with my wife having free access to everything of mine without asking. Oddly enough, I"m not snoopy, so I wouldn't need reciprocation. I'd rather have rice and noodles than bread and potatoes. And, in fact, I love all Asian foods, with Chinese, Vietnamese, and Thai being my favorites, in that order. The only thing I imagine would be a problem is communication. I find that conversations on here are very minimal, and it's hard to get to know anyone. Women rarely say anything substantial in their messages. It's mostly small talk.

#2010-05-03 04:08:09 by thedragonb1 @thedragonb1

Aaaah, the old checking the cell phone and computer routine! This is not only true for Chinese women with a foreign man, but ALL WOMEN. Yes, American women do this also. I have a friend who complains about it all the time. :) Ladies, please think about it for a moment. Doing such things is considered an invasion of privacy. If your boyfriend or husband looked at your mobile phone or emails without asking, do you not feel he is invading your privacy? When it comes down to it, TRUST is the issue here. Are woman so un-trusting of their men that she must check on him? I agree. if she asks her man to look at his phone or look at his emails, at least he is aware of your suspicions. If he denies... that could be a sign he is hiding something. But this trust has to go both ways.

#2010-05-03 09:01:56 by wojiao @wojiao

Another big factor leading to divorce between Chinese women and western men based in China is 'the family'. I know of three cases where the first year of marriage went fine for the newlyweds- until mum and dad (more mum in each case) started to pressure the western husband to sinofy himself.
Each of my friends was quite clear on how they entered the marriage with agreed terms on not turning themselves into Chinese men ... each wife seemed to be more subservient to the changing demands of the mother!

#2010-05-03 22:01:55 by panda2009 @panda2009

It is not without reason that Chinese tragedies are loud, bustling, and showy.
This lack of private life explains a certain coarseness in the Chinese temperament. "Everything can be spoken," and that which is left unspoken is almost certainly dubious or criminal in nature. Chinese people are always astonished by the ludicrously secretive attitude foreigners bring to completely inconsequential matters.
The result of this lack of privacy is that even the most subtle and intimate feelings must be justified to an ever-present crowd of onlookers. This leads in turn to a habit of making excuses. Chinese are used to making excuses not only for themselves but also to themselves, which means that very few individuals truly understand their own behavior.

#2010-05-03 23:09:17 by h08serch @h08serch

Thanks a lot, Sarah!

Indeed, family matters. So indeed how Chinese girls detach their family from the one of their parents, especially when the man relocates to China? It should be kind of a problem for the traditional-oriented girls...

#2010-05-07 12:32:43 by aussieghump @aussieghump

The family moving in can become a 'fatal' mistake... be very aware of this especially if you are 'new' to China and you have no other support mechanisms.
Instead of having communication issues with one person (who loves you/will try to understand you in the next hour), you have a 24-hour continuous coverage of past misdeeds (real or imagined), complaints about everything, total lack of 'privacy', your partner not 'showing affection' around parents (24/7), 'tsk,tsk,tsk open hostility' every day, demands for your resources, changed 'family' plans without consultation and hundreds of other 'problems' - and that is if you get a 'nice' mother-in-law!!! Many men will have 'difficulties' with mothers-in-law anywhere, but when it is in a different dialect and cultural view - beware big pain

#2010-05-07 12:35:43 by aussieghump @aussieghump

Also, do not rely on the 'support' of your partner in 'family matters'. Unfortunately (unless she is really strong and independant) she will 'side' with the 'family'.

#2010-05-09 00:12:57 by northernlights @northernlights

Thank you for everybody's comments.

1.To danjianada: Ya, language difference is a problem for the mixed couples. But it depends on how the two individuals' communicate. Just like a non-English spoken Chinese electrican could understand a non-Chinese spoken American electrican via the circuitry drawings.

2. To histguy: Hmm, right. Checking the stuffs of the spouse is a behavior of lacking of trust or be afraid of being betrayed by him. If more communicaiton, it helps the relationship.

3. To daggett: If you are familiar with the lady little by little, she will let you know more and more. How to get the acquaintance, you need find the appropriate topics.

4. To thedragonb1: invasion of privacy? Could be. But for traditonal Chinese, the privacy also need be shared, so called a fa

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