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Lucy Liujing, a freelance blogger also a member of CLM. She is a happy single chinese woman living in Guangzhou city. Yet her vast travelling experiences and friends network helps her to build a different if not unique point of view regarding love and relationships. She is more than happy to share her views in a neutral way, so you can forget about her gender when you are reading her articles.
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Trust your gut feeling, always    

By Lucy Liujing
4567 Views | 11 Comments | 12/18/2011 2:40:07 PM

I never put any of my personal story in this website and I also have been away from here for a while. No surprisingly, I met someone and went on dating with him. But hold your congratulations yet because it turns out to be a very sad story actually the saddest story ever.

I talked to this guy for a few months and finally he was able to make a trip to my city, which was not planned either forced by me. I was never intending to ask someone to make a move if this was not from his heart. Remember this, never ask someone to do it even he already says he loves you. So this being the case, after the flight the visa the rushing to and from the train station, he was finally in my place in my city.

Guess what?

No 1,he does not look like what he was on skype? Fatter and shortter?
No 2, he is here not only visiting me but someone else?
No 3, after a few days living together, we find each other not attractive any more or not compatible?
No 4, he is an addict? An alcoholic? A married guy? A cheap one?

If it would go to any of above, I would just shrug to myself and not sitting here drafting this piece without even thinking of the art of writing.

It turned out he kind of met someone else on his trip coming here and decided to hide it from me. My gut told me there is something wrong but I searched my mind trying to find why but failed. Any men who would have met someone else would just go with her straightaway and left me a whatever excuse. Any man would not Come here to add salt to my wound. But He chose to do it In an innocent but cruel way. The worst thing is to hear his sorry and he still likes you.

This is the end of a story that should never start. Online dating is fine, vedio chat is all real, but Sadly we cannot stop another woman coming in your way just a few days of flight transit.

I always try to say love conquers all. But actually love defeats everything too including our slight dignity.

If there is anything I learned from this, it would not be something like not trusting man or not falling in love. I would say always trust our gut feeling. Because as a woman this is probably the last weapon to protect us from being drown down too deep to stand up again.

I know you guys would wish me luck. Thank you.

Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
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(Showing 1 to 10 of 11) 1 2 More...
#2011-12-18 15:05:38 by anonymous3010 @anonymous3010

It is my experience, and please feel free to disagree, that the American way to break up is face-to-face (an honorable break), whereas the Chinese way to break up is to ignore the other person (to save face).

#2011-12-18 15:17:58 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

Lucy, I think the thing this guy did wrong was to not be open and honest from the very beginning. He should have been up front that he was very interested in you but was also interested in someone else in your city, and he'd be meeting both of you. That would have left it up to you to decide whether to spend time with him, what kind of time to spend with him and to only take matters to a certain level until he had decided who he was really attracted to. However, he chose to be dishonest rather than risk losing you from his list of options.

And yes at that point it is very important to follow your gut instincts, exactly as you have pointed out.

#2011-12-18 20:21:31 by cstorvik @cstorvik

Oh god, lucy. He's just a dishonest bastard. The only thing to learn from this is that bastards are everywhere. Don't worry, you will find the right one eventually.

#2011-12-18 21:18:23 by tanshui @tanshui

Such a sad experience for you.

I am curious. You don't tell us where this guy was from.

You did write in another one of your postings that you didn't date western guys. So if this guy is Chinese it goes to show that men from everywhere can act the same.

#2011-12-19 00:18:49 by lucyinthesky @lucyinthesky

Thanks John for your nice words. Whats done is done even I so wish I could turn the clock back and make a wiser decision. I am back on battlefield now.

#2011-12-19 03:11:14 by danruble @danruble

Remember..The woman has the power in a relationship... The man will not be boorish, or rude or just in it for a good time unless he can. The woman has to allow it. Hopefully, all of us here are looking for a longtime relationship. but when we try to rush things too much and assuming it is a done deal we get into problem areas. You say he was shorter /fatter than the video... I don't think that is being dishonest. Quite the opposite. He showed up, and he was who he is.. You say he was in China,and not only to visit you, but someone else? Well this is only common sense to a number of people. In fact, it is advised and encouraged by many here.In the minds of many why spend thousands of dollars and built up vacation time to meet someone, and in the end risk, maybe after a few minutes, hours, or days, imcompatability? To have flown many miles and hours and spent a lot of money only to fail? maybe do it again in a year or two? Maybe never. To a lot of guys this is a once in a lifetime possibily... Westerners are all not rich. many here will have to, no doubt scrimp and save to afford a multi thousand dollar trip to visit an Asian country.To do so without having a good plan of success in meeting one's hoped for lifemate makes little sense. I don't mean to be critical of you, certainly not in your time of sadness,but you might have been culpable in the demise of the realtionship. How did you react? What were your feelings or mannerisims when meeting this man that was short and fat in your eyes? Did you perhaps convey that you were no longer over the moon? Not as enamored as you once felt when it is you two and Skype? Honey, eyes don't like . if you were somewhat disapointed when finally meeting in person, your face most likely gave you away. You mentioned addicT ..maybe. maybe not.. maybe he is a heavy drinker, on meds or a stone alcoholic or junkie.. maybe is is a stranger in a strange land and can not relate without a drink in his hand..But did you have any proof? It may be difficult to talk about such matters, but harder yet to try and live through the nightmare such behaviors may create.Again, finding these things out will take time.. But your gut is the one to listen too. You had that right. And you mention cheap.. Just what is cheap in your eyes? That he was frugal with his money when on vacation thousands of miles from home? That he was not a big spender? That he did not pick up the tab for you and a dozen friends three times a week, as some have wriiten in the blogs? Or, maybe did not buy you a fancy gift, or baubble? Or really was cheap and did not buy you a single meal? Or maybe left no tip..Or , offered to pay for nothing, feeling that ...well, being a guest? I don't know..you would have to fill us in if you felt like it to really try and understand... But a man that will spend 4-5000 USD and fly to China to meet one or two women can not really be considered cheap...Try and see things from the other persons viewpoint.. what if he was nervous and concered about how you would recieve a short fat man? a lovely lady like you? You could have met him at the airport, taken one look and made excuses and disappeared like smoke on a windy day... I have read stories about men treated this way. How would you feel if you had spent 30,000 RMB to visit someone in the US, Canada, or worse, France and were sumarily dismissed from their life with nothing to do in a strange city? Would you have a possible back up plan, in case things turned sour? I hope you pick yourself up,dust yourself off and try again. yes, look back and see what you may lrearn from this.. There are thousands of great possibilities here. but the major down point is people, no matter, be it across town, across the street or perhaps half way around the globe need to be open and COMMUNICATE. this is a great venue to meet new people, and hopefully move forward and perhaps someday meet and fall in love.. But you can not expect miricles. You don't fall in love on a web site.. love takes time.. Love takes work. love takes many things. but you need to be both on the same page.. read all of the blogs here and pay particular attention to the one about Is he a scum bag/ player or someting like that. I hope vyou learn to take time, Trust yourself, and be careful with your heart.To you and everyone here I can only say.. take your time, use your brain. If something does not feel right. seems to good to be true.. step back and think. Good luck. Good luck to us all.

#2011-12-19 04:18:16 by onejimjim @onejimjim

THAT WAS NOT COOL WHAT HAPPEND TO YOU MY DEAR ,NOT GOOD AT ALL A PERSON LIKE THAT NEEDS TO BURY HIS HEAD IN THE GROWN,BECAUSE YOU ARE A VERY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN,JUST BE COOL BECAUSE EVERYONE IS NOT THE SAME OK.JUST WISH IT WAS ME THAT YOU WERE GOING TO MEET AND NOT THAT FAT SHORTY.

#2011-12-21 00:37:12 by lucyinthesky @lucyinthesky

To Danruba,
Thanks so much for your writing. I think you misunderstood my words. What I mentioned about the four points are just hypothetical. I mean if he was one of these cases, I would probably feel better. What happened is he was not fatter shorter or cheaper. Neither was he visiting someone in china from the same website. He just met someone else in his stopover in Manila whenhe was visiting friends before he came. He hurt me not because his feeling for someone else, but his being still coming china to mislead me while he already fall for another person. 3 months talking lost to a 5 days fling, how sad is it!

#2012-01-04 05:11:46 by joffa @joffa

Sorry to hear about your experience with this guy Lucy, but women do the same as well. I met a woman just over 2 years ago in China while I was there on business, not through any dating site, just by chance. Anyway, we had been an item for the last 2 years and I spent 4 months each year there with her. We communicated daily when I wasnt there and I fell in a big way for her and she with me or so I thought. We had talked about marriage and had planned to get married Oct 2011. On my last trip there, she had to go away for 1 week on business as she worked for a foreign company and her boss had come to China. So off she went and I stayed behind and did some work for my company. On her return, she seemed a bit aloof and strange. Over the next few days, I noticed when she was on oher laptop, that anytime I went near her, she would quickly close the page she was on. Gut feeling told me something was not right, so one day when she was out, I checked her laptop (maybe not a nice thing to do, but I knew something was wrong). I found out she had gone away for 1 week to meet up with another foreign guy (not her boss)through emails and skype footprints. To say I was devastated is an understatement, the feeling of humiliation and stupidity. I confronted her about it and she couldnt apologise enough and said she loved me and wanted to marry me, but in part it was my fault I had not married her sooner. Hence, while I still love her deeply, I can never be with her, the trust has been broken and thats it for me. I dont want to live my life wondering or spying because Im not sure what she is up to. She still contacts me and asks for forgiveness and says she loves only me, but I dont reply. So I joined this site after friends told me to get back on the bike, but afterI joined here, I quickly realised Im not really ready to move forward just yet. I have met some nice ladies here and while I will stay a member, I do not want to mislead any of them so I have locked my pictures and just politely reply to ladies that send me messages with a no thanks and wish them all the best in their search. When I am ready to put the toes back into the water, I will. The moral is exactly what Lucy's blog has said, trust your gut, whether you are male or female. If you think something is wrong, then there probably is something wrong.

#2012-08-25 22:54:37 by osman1964 @osman1964

There is another way to evaluate such issues; that is losses and gains
Ask yourself this question; what are your losses; Money ? Time? Dignity? Health? , maybe he had similar losses , another thing , did you enjoy the time being spend ?, if the answer is yes , then it’s ok , losses are being less , if no ; a person may know that within hours to just walk away
----
Since we are talking about losses and gains, frustration, etc, I suggest that internet dating sites are to be free, because there are many disappointments, if the date was positive, a payment could be made to the sites as a donation (depending on the satisfaction), if ever there was a marriage, the donation maybe paid in a larger amount, I think this is better idea than paying these sites just to get frustrated by the dates

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