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Gareth is an Australian who has lived in JiangSu, SuZhou (Heaven on Earth) for a few years - he is a keen observer of the Chinese people, Chinese culture and the changes that are occurring in China at break-neck speed. He can often be found on his a nightly 'perch' in front of his bar in the famous Bar Street in Suzhou, talking to the locals in his bad Mandarin, teaching the 'flower-selling girls' English, eating street food and smiling at the local chengguan (neighbourhood police). Gareth also has several other businesses in China around Business and English training. His experiences have been varied and interesting and his years in China have taught him to be wary of promises but excited about prospects, not a bad situation to be in!
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There is no 'need' in 'desire'!    

By Garreth Humphris
7960 Views | 23 Comments | 6/16/2013 2:38:06 PM
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(Showing 11 to 20 of 23) Previous 1 2 3 More...
#2013-06-18 10:29:09 by 345 @345

Chinese people live more

#2013-06-18 10:31:03 by 345 @345

But I believe that if really treat the other party will feel your love

#2013-06-18 10:48:14 by aussieghump @aussieghump

@prana
for me, this would be an optimum point - the partners would ´choose´to spend time together rather than have it ´forced´...I have an aversion to dependancy - I find it debilitating!

#2013-06-19 21:14:41 by Enyaluo1977 @Enyaluo1977

Hi Garreth

You made a very interesting article. You are wiser than some men I know that to admit that women have desire and are happy to share with.
There is song called “Cinderella”, I love the girl discribed in this song ,she doesn't want to depend on no one else. She would rather rescue myself, and “Someday I'm gonna find someone who wants my soul, heart and mind
Who's not afraid to show that he loves me 
Somebody who will understand I'm happy just the way I am”.

We call this kind of love is 半糖主义 or 五分爱.To love a man with 50% and leave some space for imagination and desire and some space to love ourselves.

I have to remind of you that love pattern like a tree and vine is also one beautiful love in Chinese culture.

It seems We Chinese women focus on marriage, it’s not to make baby, just we want to give the relationship with a man a legal identity, so that we can introduce the man to our friends, to walk with man in the sun. Chinese are still very serious about close relationship before marriage.

I agree with you that to have a baby when both wife and husband have a elder age is not a good idea. I had my son at my 31 yesrs old, sometimes I am really exhausted by his naughty and full of energy activities :-)
I cant imagine that I have a new baby when I am 40 years old. Although sometimes I also imagine if I have a daughter...hehehe

I think you really need to discuss about baby issue with your partner. I don’t know man, but a baby means a lot for a woman. There is those identity in a woman, I think: human, woman, wife and mother. A woman maybe would think the mother part is empty when it cant be fulfilled.

After reading your blog, I am happy that I am on this site and to know that some man really care about their partner’s thought and desire. In this way, you are a great man! And I wish you would find your girl soon and I think you would make a great wife and husband.

#2013-06-21 22:59:38 by sandy339 @sandy339

So, intimacy + passion/desire + commitment might be an ideal one?

thanks anonymous6581, the pics in the links are so great ...

#2013-09-09 10:40:00 by RobertB @RobertB

I think that in the past, does not matter which country, most people were concerned with survival (what is still true for many even in today's world) so maybe man's desire for expression of power and female sense of security was able to carry long way. Now, we seem not to have the need for it or worse even time or opportunity. Still many people find themselves emotionally insecure. It is not necessarily bad thing.
Someone 100 % independent might be considered not alive at all.
What is really important for real happiness is the healthy balance of motion/change. I mean, maintaining your needs of security and excitement through balancing your needs for independence and mingling, interaction..
Being independent too much means we are unable to understand other's insecurities. Being not independent enough may make it impossible to meet even. Actually there is a paradox. If you are very independent then you won't even feel the need to meet your lover. Yes, I use this outdated word to show that it is not about sharing. It is about loving and so powerful that you do not care. You do not care as long as you accept.
Whatever happens it is fine. Strange enough, that creates desire if other factors permit. I mean, if you know that it now depends on you, what will happen, then you may go ahead. If someone is too caring, that might be seen as not insecurity(that is a good thing to a degree -you can look after them and you know they need you) but rather like that person is just taking you for someone else. Look, someone who sees the image of you, as their lover, they cannot love you as you are.
Desire is power that drives you to acquire something and is very useful and very good. Love is something that allows you to cherish what you already have. I remember that when I felt love I was able to do things like heal, or put three balls in snooker with one shot. It seems stupid but those things are possible with love. It is because when you accept someone then you can accept yourself. Power is released, becomes free.Loving someone is loving yourself. Realizing that there is not really that much difference between you two, spiritually speaking.
Also, I think that sometimes you know. Love sometimes can express itself only for a moment and then lives its own life. Without you perhaps.
Still, we try to make things permanent. That is the reason for marriages.
For so many human institutions and laws and so on.
In the meantime, there is spontaneity we are talking about.
You only can love when you love. You desire when you need something.
So, it is obvious when you no longer need it, just because you already have it then your desire by definition has to go.
Many people like or love the feeling of torrent. The feeling of that energy flow when you satisfy your needs. Sometimes it is beneficial to starve yourself so you can enjoy much more when you finally allow yourself.
There is always one person that you cannot divorce and you maybe do not desire but you have to love to live. That is you.
If you can learn to live with yourself better and to understand yourself better, love yourself, then loving others will not be that hard.
Love is not only about indulgence. It is about knowing that the utmost value is pleasure. There is not surprise that pain and pleasure are the opposite side of the same feeling of sensing where I am in this situation.
When I started to have problems with proper walking I started to exercise my legs, hips and so on. I often felt pain. Yet, after sometime, that pain was becoming my pleasure. I started to feel much better and move faster, with more power and ease. Same is with learning maths, programming or a language. It may be painful, then it becomes pleasure.
Same in marriage. You have sex and intimacy so you break barriers between you two. Then you allow the other to live their own life and be them. That is painful. Still only that can create new desire and you start feeling love. That is the pleasure of seeing other to live and prosper.
Accept as is. Knowing that all changes. Young becomes old and old becomes young. Acceptance is not weakness. If you only stretch one leg you will never walk.
Love gives you that feeling of not being alone anymore.
Desire is something that increases your heartbeat so to speak.
I have written all in a too complicated way, I was actually about to go to sleep, still I read this article and felt strongly about it.
So, I decided to type what came to my mind.
Is this not really important to know for whom you should spend your effort and time? Time is money, so I do not even mention that.
It is always about your time and your energy, your imagination your will to build bridges and your will to allow the other to be.
This does not mean that you cannot do things that are opposite of letting go. If so, there would have been not many people on Earth.
By the way, someone said, look how many millions of people were successful before you. I mean to find someone and to be long enough to make this possible. Now, we want something like closeness, not only sharing responsibilities. After all, we can stay till the last moment alone.
So, if not then the reason is non-material. Sometimes we can think alike, we can communicate telepathically and so on. The most important is to find that one that you know is the most important in your life as far as you are concerned. Everyone is special, everyone is unique, so what makes it that you become that close to that one? We all search for that answer.
It is life itself and it is you. More than this, you should feel comfortable with it. In my life I have spent as much time chasing as running away from people or things that I was considering "foreign" to me.
Our minds can play tricks on us too. So, we need to understand ourselves, that is one reason why we search for love, that can help us to understand and accept us ourselves. When I can see love in my lover's eyes I know I am not that bad. I accept myself and then I am grateful and can admire and look at my lover with love. If you can touch the soul you have control.
I hope you know what I mean. .

Then

#2013-09-09 10:55:46 by RobertB @RobertB

@prana你是写用中文, 真的, 任何人可以用翻译软件。
我认为, 两个人想透来, 透去, 但是也不想失掉自己。 体会对方的感觉, 但是保持你自己。 是吗?尊敬爱人, 但是处理爱人。真的有时候似乎不可能的, 而且如果成功, 看起来都是那么自然, 总是存在中间的两个爱人。
我认为连为用翻译软件也必须懂中文。我祝你最好。 谢谢你的分享。

#2013-09-09 20:43:40 by prana @prana

@RobertB
谢谢你的认同。
八月出现了一些不好的情况,我正在学习的英语暂时停止了。
公司现在每天都在加班,因为人手不够。
你说你的英语好了。
翻译软件只能翻译一个大概,如果两个人彼此相爱,一定会读懂对方的心的。
问好!

#2013-09-09 20:59:54 by prana @prana

@RobertB
喜欢你的这句话:爱一个人就是爱自己。
爱是:宽容、信任、尊重!
爱不是欲望、占有。

#2013-09-09 23:48:14 by mary0624 @mary0624

@RobertB

wow, this is really difficult chinese to understand.:))

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