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Born and raised in a small and remote village of China with two siblings, Zoe had a childhood with wild freedom in nature. After finishing her education at Dalian Foreign Languages University, she has been living and working in Dalian. A woman of strong feelings and a passion for life, Zoe's first series of vibrant articles will tell you about the rollercoaster ride that was her first serious relationship with a Western man. There is much you can learn from her telling story. After that we'll see where else she can take us and what other wonderful experiences she might share.
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The End of Our Relationship Part 25 - Cold Hearted Bastard    

By Zoe
12368 Views | 35 Comments | 9/13/2013 1:34:28 AM

To just stop communication with someone who loves you requires a cold, cold heart.

Another long flight, got layover in Abu Dhabi and back to Beijing, after almost 15 hours finally I landed in Dalian. At midnight, arrived home, opened the door, turned on lights, took a shower; it’s almost dawn, got to head to work. A colleague said, you look very tired. She didn’t know that I was much more tired than my face could be seen.

In the evening when I got home after work, I started missing H, I missed his high straight nose, his deep eyes, his smell, his gentle kisses, wanting to see him standing in front of me in his dapper suit in the morning; wanting to see him appeared by the door, the bright and shiny look on his face although it’s after a long day’s work….

Could not help dialing his mobile number, but he was in the USA already. He mentioned that he would get a business trip to America, but I didn’t know that he flew out right away after my leaving.

In the phone, I heard his sleepy voice, it supposed to be 5am there by then, I was sorry to wake him up and rushed to hang off the line.

He said, I will call you when I come back to Germany later, okay? Kiss, kiss….

The sweet feeling came back to me again, he didn’t know that a bit warmth and sparkle could make a fire in me.

However, several days passed, he didn’t call. I sent him email, he didn’t reply either.

The flame was burning out day by day, although I kept telling myself, if I fell into a guy who was a workaholic and ambitious, I got to accept the fact of being alone by myself.

Until one day I saw him on line in skype, I was very happy and said hi, but immediately he was off line. I could not curb my anger, what is that? A game played by a teenager? I sent him an email out of rage.

Dear H, did I do or say anything wrong? I sent you email, no reaction from you; texted you, no reply; phoned you, no answer either. What’s wrong?

This time, I got his reply very soon. It is what I wrote at the beginning before this story started.

Like every idiot who fell into a relationship, I became hysterical. Call, email, text, in whatever way that I could reach him, I pleased him to talk to me, didn’t understand how come he could be so cold and never showed up again.

I have been fretting about why he was that tough and determined, also being in an illusion that he would change his mind thinking of my good.

A good friend said to me that I was not in love, but falling into love, that I was in my beautiful bubble of being in love, that I was sad not because I lost H but for the fact that my bubble was broken; another friend said that it’s the best that this relationship ended, she said that I would not be happy if I happened to be with H, because I lost myself for him.

I have been writing this story in long and sweeping lines until today, even now I could not tell if I was in love with H or it was just kind of affection feeling. I know I was groveling and tried to make him happy, although my brain kept telling me that H would never be mine. Facing to this man, I made myself so small that I was low down to the earth.

Someone says, the secret of dating is simple: be confident, be comfortable in your skin, you’re sure who you are.

In this case, this relationship was determined to be a broken end: being with H, I hated myself being not pretty; I didn’t know how to communicate with him, always afraid that I would say something wrong to disappoint him; I was not sure who I was, from his eyes to look at me I saw myself a failure, both in career and relationship wise.

A friend said, anyone who ever appeared or will do into your life, for long or short, there is a reason for it, and it is arranged too in what way and what time.
I cannot tell for what Mr. Might arranges me to meet H, does he want me to experience the pains of the beauty broken? Or is there something more significant to my life?

But, something I do sure, time will smooth the pains, no matter how deep it is.

又长途飞行,从阿布扎比转机回北京,从北京飞大连。
半夜到家,开门,开灯,洗澡,天亮后去上班。
同事说,你看起来一脸疲惫。
她不知道我心里更疲惫。

晚上回到家,开始疯狂地想念H,想念他高挺的鼻子,想念他含情脉脉的眼睛,想念他身上的味道,想念他甜蜜的亲吻,想念他早上西装笔挺出现在我面前,想念他工作一天晚上回家开门进屋时仍神采奕奕的样子。。。。。。
忍不住给他打了电话,没想到他在美国,他跟我说过要去出差,我以为他当天准备要去呢。
电话里他睡意朦胧,那边当时是早上5点多,我有点内疚把他吵醒了。连忙说对不起,不知道他已经飞到美国了,改天再聊吧。
他说,I will call you when I come back to Germany, okay? Bye, kiss, kiss……
我又感觉甜蜜了,他的一点温情就能在我心里燃起一团火。

然而,几天过去了,他没有打电话。我发了邮件给他,他也没有回。我的希望在一点点泯灭,但还是对自己说,他太忙了,我找个野心勃勃的总经理做男朋友,就得接受一个人的寂寞。
有一天看到他SKYPE上线了,我很兴奋,跟他打招呼,却发现他下线了。
我愤怒了,为什么玩小孩子才玩的游戏?满腔怒火又发了封邮件给他。

Dear H, Did I do or say anything wrong? I sent you email, no reaction from you; Texted you, no reply; Phoned you, no answer either. What’s wrong?

这次很快地收到了他的回复。就是开头提到的邮件。

就像任何一个恋爱中的傻子一样,我歇斯底里地打电话,发短信,发邮件,卑微地哀求他,很不明白,他可以如此绝情地一概置之不理。
我一直纠结于他为何如此决绝,也幻想着他会想着我的好,能有一天改变心意。
朋友说,我一直沉醉于一种美丽如肥皂泡似的恋爱的甜蜜里,伤心不是因为失去H这个人,而是我的泡泡破了;另一个朋友说,分了也好,如果真的跟H在一起了,我不会幸福,因为我会失去自己。
我至今也说不清楚,整个故事拖拖沓沓写到今天,我还是理不清楚。我不知道我对H是爱还是迷恋。我心甘情愿低声下气,讨他欢心,虽然心里一直很清楚,H 不属于我,在这个男人面前我太卑微,把自己低到了尘埃里。
有人说,恋爱中,要自我感觉舒服,要有自信,要知道你是谁。
如此说来,我在H面前,我哪点都没做到。在他面前,我前所未有讨厌自己不够漂亮;不知道如何跟他交流,生怕自己说的话他不喜欢听或不高兴;不确定我自己是谁,总觉得在他眼里,无论事业还是感情,我都是个失败的人。
朋友说,每一个或长或短出现在你生命中的人,都有他的原因和意义,出现的方式和时间也是注定的。
我不知道上帝安排H与我交集的原因和意义,仅仅是要我体会那种‘美好’破碎后的伤痛,还是另有原因。
不过我明白,再痛的伤,时间都会抚平。

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Comments
(Showing 1 to 10 of 35) 1 2 3 4 More...
#2013-09-13 07:39:02 by sky810 @sky810

内心如文笔一样优美的女孩,你一定会找到真爱。加油。

#2013-09-13 10:05:43 by purplesea1970 @purplesea1970

亲爱的zoe,爱情是我们内心的映射,亦是一剂毒药,写完你和H的一切,慢慢开始解毒吧,相信在CLM,你会有更美的邂逅。

#2013-09-13 17:00:11 by panda2009 @panda2009

In a unprotected cohabitation relationship, you have lost a single freedom, and not under the protection of the marriage contract, this relationship is quite weak, very dangerous. So, don't take the name of Love to do something silly force. The more happiness hopefully you joined him, the more pain you have later.

#2013-09-13 22:29:48 by anonymous7334 @anonymous7334

故事到此结束了吗亲?
多么清晰的事实,他对你并没有爱。你千里迢迢来到德国,他与你肌肤相亲看来也只是给你的礼貌性的安慰,这不代表他有什么承诺。 也许这是很多西方人的行为模式。 你在这条路上远比他更投入,而他始终理智地在一条界限后与你相持。这不同的步调注定了一场伤心的悲剧。
你小心翼翼的 、战战兢兢的爱给你带来了什么?你失去了自己,你完全输在了这种不对等的付出里。你没有享受到爱的快乐,却过多地品尝忐忑的滋味。这种单方付出无所依托的爱情无法滋养女人的身心。这种爱不但你自己承受不了,他也一样承受不了,于是他选择了更果断的逃避。
其实这种分手于你何尝不是一种解放、一种超脱?曾希望你有好的结局,但现实冷酷得让人颤抖。
一直关注你的文章,一直感觉到与你一样紧张,似乎喘不过气来。现在好像大家都解脱了,他不是你的真命天子,那就放下吧。你有一颗真诚的寻爱之心,你有女性的温婉细腻,相信最美的缘份还在等你。亲爱的姐妹,放下这段记忆吧,去拥抱正在向你走来的那份真爱。

#2013-09-13 23:39:28 by sharonshi @sharonshi

Dear Zeo,

The end of the story is tough for you, but I am happy that you finally close it with tears.

You, what a courageous girl!

Obviously, this is not a love story, but a story about love. If God send you some message, maybe one of them is that to learn loving self and another is that you are angel spreading love.

Few people have less experience of moving the heart of her/him-self in life. You do. So, You are lucky girl.

I have sense you in peace, making a different life.

All is well, Zeo.



#2013-09-14 00:14:36 by shellnong @shellnong

坦白说,楼主,这个德国男人不适合你啊,能量、气场、频率完全不对称、不相符啊。嘻嘻~~~关键是,他不爱你!~~~~所以,真没什么可惜的,哈哈。(完了完了,我这段话好象很冷血啊,好吧,罚我自己面壁思过三分钟,哈哈)

一场游戏一场梦,看得清楚不过是如此实相。

事已至此,臣服、接纳、释放,与其把自己整成个受害者角色,还不如给自己一个光彩照人的前行。哈哈。(先说明一下:这个“受害者”的说法,并不是“被害者”,而是一种常规的、很多人无意识的把自己当成了受害者、受苦者,我指的是经常觉得自己受伤害、失败的、不如意的行为和思想。我用在此处,没有别的意思,只是引用一种心理学上的说法,没有对楼主的不敬,所以请不要误解,谢谢了)

祝君安好!周末快乐!哈哈,多点快乐,多点笑声,多好。据说,爱笑的女人,运气很好的、福气很多的,哈哈。男人都喜欢有着迷人笑容的女人,迷人的笑容是杀手锏,嘻嘻。所以,要开心哦~~

#2013-09-14 06:10:37 by kelly717 @kelly717

zoe,非常理解你此时的心情。我去年在这里认识了一个欧洲国家的男士,我们聊得非常开心,然后圣诞我去了英国,他飞到英国来见我,我们相处的不是太融洽,但也没分手,后来过完新年,我们各自回国,相约4月他来中国。谁知在讨论他来中国后的观光过程中我们意见不一,吵了起来,有一天他突然发了一封邮件给我,说和我结束了,因为我的个性太强。其实我内心同样感觉,我们并不合适,可是他提的太突然,我没思想准备,最郁闷的是在和我结束两个小时后,他就重开了户口。我问他你要不要这么快啊,他说life must be going on.我算是领教了什么叫翻脸比翻书快。后来的心情就像你现在这样,各种郁闷,各种纠结,十天过后,我对自己说,我不能这样生活,必须尽快走出来。然后我和朋友去了巴厘岛休假,十几天后回来,我彻底没事了。所以我觉得走出自己固有的生活环境,接触新事物,有助转移注意力,走到大自然里,会觉得世界这么大,这么美好,干嘛放不下一个不值得的人?心情会豁然开朗,当然有个好闺蜜在旁边开解也很重要。一家之见,供你参考,希望你尽快开始新生活。

#2013-09-14 11:23:38 by ZootMurph @ZootMurph

It seems to me that you were infatuated with his looks. All your comments about him are about his looks, not his personality. In the end, compatibility of personality is what makes a relationship work. It is great to be physically attracted to another person, but without more, it can't work.

In the process of falling in love with his looks, you never learned about him and he never learned about you. You were too needy and he was just the opposite, being too callous to you and your needs. You saw only his outer person, his looks, and were blind to who and what he was... add that to his lust, and you end up with exactly what you had.

In the end, it is great to be so attracted to someone, but you must pull back and use the logical part of yourself to get to know the man, and to allow him to know you. The truest form of love comes from knowing each other, good and bad.

Every thing that happens in life is an opportunity to learn. Learn from this, and enjoy a better life in the future. What to learn... take time with love. Be patient, use your logical half, get to know each other, and love all the things about each other, before taking the step of being physically intimate.

#2013-09-14 18:02:03 by QinQL @QinQL

Zoe,dear Zoe, 时间是最好的疗伤药。请相信有一位你早已心仪的他会在你的生命里出现。也许他早已在默默地注视着你了……all will be fine.

#2013-09-14 21:31:53 by luyennmengreal @luyennmengreal

“There are no right or wrong forever in the world of love.
It is harvest as long as you have once loved someone deeply.
If you get love, please cherish it.
If you lose love, just pack your bag and do a separate travel by yourself.
Perhaps when you come back to the beginning, the love for you will be stronger and warmer.” This is what I always told to myself.
H is just like a mirror of you, from him you can see more clearly about yourself. It is very important that as what it was said by ZootMurph:Every thing that happens in life is an opportunity to learn. Learn from this,and enjoy a better life in the future. Good luck to you!

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