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Born and raised in a small and remote village of China with two siblings, Zoe had a childhood with wild freedom in nature. After finishing her education at Dalian Foreign Languages University, she has been living and working in Dalian. A woman of strong feelings and a passion for life, Zoe's first series of vibrant articles will tell you about the rollercoaster ride that was her first serious relationship with a Western man. There is much you can learn from her telling story. After that we'll see where else she can take us and what other wonderful experiences she might share.
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The End of Our Relationship Part 24 - The Ninth Step    

By Zoe
10113 Views | 25 Comments | 8/27/2013 4:04:15 PM

When love ends no one wins.

After we checked in the hotel, it was dark. We drove to look for somewhere to have dinner. Parked in an underground parking lot, we walked to look for a restaurant.

He again took me into a Chinese restaurant, I didn’t understand why he must find a Chinese restaurant for me, the food was really bad, in China, a noodle place on the street or in a secret corner would be much better than what they made there.

After dinner, H asked if I would like sitting there for a while or go somewhere else to have a drink. I didn’t want to waste time on looking for bars or coffee shops, just sitting there close to him was good enough, a couple of hours later I would not be able to see him anymore.

Sitting there, I could hear the clock was tik-tuk counting the minutes, the less time I left, the more I felt frustrated.

I said, many times it’s easier to talk to my female friends, I could be very open, but not to you.

Why, why cannot you talk to me open, I want you to tell everything, your thinking and your feeling.

No, there’s something better not to say.

What is better not to say?

Well, for example, what if I said that I loved you?

Noooooo, you are kidding, right? Right?

Yes, I am kidding, I say ‘what if’.

Okay. Because if a relationship has ten steps, marriage is the last step, then LOVE is the ninth one, and we are just in the first step.
……
When he was saying ‘nooooo’ with a prolonged sound, I looked at him, feeling that I was an idiot.

Dear God, why did you arrange me to meet H?

On the way back to fetch the car, I didn’t know how to get close to H, walking behind him with awkward silence, I hated myself, very much.

He turned back and held my hand, my nose twitched, almost cried.

In the hotel room, I circled his waist, hided my head into his arms, wished not to release him. I understood, this man was not and would never be mine.

在宾馆登记入住后,天已经黑了,他开车带我在城内找地方吃饭。兜兜转转找了地下停车场把车放下,去找饭店。
他又带我去吃中餐,到现在我都不明白他为什么总特意找中餐馆。味道太差了,在国内,大路边或小巷子里的小面馆做的都比这边做的好吃。
吃完饭H问我愿意就在这儿坐着聊天,还是我们出去再换个地方喝东西。我不想再换地方,只想就那么靠着他,还有几个小时就见不到了。
又坐了很长时间。感觉时钟在跟着我的心脏滴答滴答,越是不舍,内心越是灰暗。
聊天中,我说,很多时候,感觉跟女性朋友讲话很随便,想说什么就说什么,但很多话却无法跟你讲。
他说,为什么,为什么不能跟我讲,我希望你把心里话都讲出来。
我说,有些话,不说的好。
他问,什么话不能说?
我说,好吧,比如,What if I said that I loved you?
他说,NOOOOO. 你在开玩笑吧。因为,一段感情如果分十个阶段的话,结婚是最后一个台阶, LOVE是第九阶,而我们才处在第一个台阶。
在他说NO而且把音拖的很长的那一刻,我看着他,感觉自己是个白痴。
上帝到底为什么要安排我遇见H ?

往停车场走的路上,不知道该如何接近H,我走在他身后,尴尬地沉默着,我讨厌我自己,很讨厌。
他回头把手给我牵着,我鼻子酸酸的,想哭。

在宾馆房间里,环着他的腰,把头埋进他的怀里,不想松手,心里明白,这个男人不属于我。

Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
Comments
(Showing 1 to 10 of 25) 1 2 3 More...
#2013-08-27 17:09:25 by sunny00 @sunny00

Dear Zoe, i'm so pleased that you understood all with the man at last. you have done what you'd expected from your heart to this relationship. that's all you have gotten without any regrets as well. and i believe it would be a good sign to start your another new life ------ we will believe it , won''t you?

#2013-08-27 17:17:27 by lhui @lhui

明明已经受到骨子里,为什么还要"what if ”? 已经鼓足了勇气去赌这场爱,怎么就没有敞开了心迹去最后一搏?多可惜。。。如果努力了,仍然争取不到,不也无憾不是?。。。内心的自卑加上可怜的自尊(没贬意,真心替你遗憾),也许是你不能最终赢得这场爱情的原因吧?祝好~

#2013-08-27 19:53:21 by whui @whui

跟踪这个博客很久,总想说点什么,又不知道说什么。感情就是这样的,不由自主,又不能自主,然而我们还是会在寻找的路上。博主能把它写出来,想必已经放下。相信会有那么一个时刻,当眼神交汇时,心里有个声音告诉你,他来了,他才是你真正要找的对的那个人!

#2013-08-28 08:58:03 by anonymous7227 @anonymous7227

hi Zoe,
我觉得你是一个敢爱敢恨的女孩。非常敬佩。但是这篇文章却让我感到伤感。真心祝福你找到疼爱的你的那个他

#2013-08-28 11:06:38 by 99moonriver @99moonriver

我想,你的他其实什么都知道,只是假装不知道而已。你吸引他、感动他,但吸引和感动,跟深爱和不可或缺,还是有很大的不同。他是聪明谨慎冷静的类型,他不想伤害你,但他知道你不是他想要的人,如果不痛不痒地拖下去,对你的伤害更大,所以他只能硬下心,采取慢动作分手,先冷淡---保持距离----减少回应,再分手。

你怎么想的,你怎么做的,他都看在眼里,而且也早已在心里有了定调。而你,从一开始,就陷进去了,自顾自地投入着,爱着。你冲得太快太猛,以至于你完全没有留意对方是否与你同一步调、同一心情。你完全不是他的对手啊,妹妹。从一开始,你都不太清楚他渴望什么、害怕什么、又愿意承担什么。

如果爱情是一场战争,知已知彼,才有胜算;如果爱情是一场曲探戈,配合默契、进退自如,才是享受。

你是热烈的,他是冷静的;你是多情的,他是务实的;你是冲动的,他是谨慎的;你是勇敢的,他是的思前想后的;你是为了爱情可以牺牲事业的,他有点象是那种为了事业可以牺牲爱情的(至少事业成功是他很重要的人生目标和追求);。。。。。你们有那么多的不同,也许他并不适合你,不是那类可以给你想要的简单幸福的人。

一段没有结果的爱情,不是他的错,也不是你的错,只是你和他各方面不适合。不如早早放下他,忘掉他。真正适合你的人,还在前面等着你呢。

等翻过这一页,你会感激他让你成长,你会感激他当初分手的冷静和理智的。谁说分手就是冷酷?很多事情,道是无情,却有情。他没有利用你对他的深情,更没有放任你去继续沉溺在希望渺茫的关系里,浪费你更多的时间。这,在我看来,是一种成熟男人的诚实、体谅,和仁慈。

留一份感激,送一份祝福,给彼此。

#2013-08-28 12:40:02 by shellnong @shellnong

啊哈,才发现原来是个连载,就看了这2期,也大概略知一二鸟,哈哈。

这个男人根本不爱你,他对你没感情、也没感觉。你又何必恋恋不舍呢?赶紧把他甩了,把过去甩了,这一切都如同烫手山芋,哈哈,对现在和未来的生活毫无帮助。这个男人我有一点很欣赏,就是他的果断态度,不想要的恋情“斩立决”,这样很好,值得学习。他的这个果断态度看起来很残忍,但实际上对你是有好处的。不合适就是不合适,他给了你机会和时间去寻找适合你的真正伴侣,完全没必要浪费一分一秒在一个不合适的人身上,哈哈。感恩他吧,嘻嘻~

一个男人,不管他再帅、再多金、事业再成功、再有别墅洋房、再有豪车跑车、再有名声地位、再有才华,不管他有多浪漫、多激情、多温柔,那都是他的事,都与你无关,只有他“对你的好”才是你的,其它的都是浮云,哈哈。他不对你好、不爱你、不疼你,所有的一切都与你没有半毛钱关系,都是个“屁”。嘻嘻。原谅我一不小心蹦出个脏话,哈哈,情绪那么小小的波动了一下下。

困了,洗洗睡了吧!哈哈。把自己照顾好、收拾好、爱自己,才有真正的男人来爱,哈哈。
祝楼主姐姐早日找到幸福的伴侣!

#2013-08-28 22:31:53 by anniely73 @anniely73

一直在关注作者的博客,或许是关心最后的结局,虽然从一开始就知道了结局,但还是想着能不能峰回路转?
爱是相互双方的,作者的爱真的令人心痛,而对方从刚开始的热情到现在的冷淡,真的有些琢磨不透?是不是因为我们传统的思想束缚了我们的心,未能真正敞开心怀去表达对那份感情的强烈?令对方无法感受?还是对方对这份远距离的爱没有信心,或者说根本就没有想过将来?
不管如何,都希望作者能够幸福快乐的走下去。如果将这段感情写下来,N年以后回头看看,心境肯定是不同的,但这却是一段令人永以难忘的爱的回忆。

#2013-08-29 02:20:44 by Terenceleon @Terenceleon

I came in on part 24 but clearly this guy's sensitivity and perception were practically at zero. He should have at least asked you what kind of food you wanted to try. Seems to me he was not really trying to know you.

#2013-08-29 13:52:45 by jenny2013 @jenny2013

亲爱的ZOE看了你的爱情故事,我除了哭还是哭,我为你哭也为自己哭,因为我也曾经有过这样优秀的德国男人,因为我的自卑而毁掉一切,但是对于过去我们已经无能为力,只期待将来能更好,在此想送给所有经历过或正在经历情感伤害的姐妹们一句话:“上帝说:你要相信,有个人正向你走来,他将带给你美丽的爱情,在那个人出现以前,你要做的就是好好照顾自己。”让我们好好照顾的心灵和身体。用不卑不亢的态度去寻找和迎接新的爱情。

#2013-08-29 15:32:15 by grace2013china @grace2013china

其实更残酷点说,虽然这个故事的标题是:our relationship, 以他的十个台阶为标准,他是肯定不承认被称作是relationship的。

I don't think he agrees with being called Relationship.

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