Chinese Women, Asian Women, Online Dating & Things Chinese and Asian
Born and raised in a small and remote village of China with two siblings, Zoe had a childhood with wild freedom in nature. After finishing her education at Dalian Foreign Languages University, she has been living and working in Dalian. A woman of strong feelings and a passion for life, Zoe's first series of vibrant articles will tell you about the rollercoaster ride that was her first serious relationship with a Western man. There is much you can learn from her telling story. After that we'll see where else she can take us and what other wonderful experiences she might share.
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The End of Our Relationship Part 23 - The Thinking Time    

By Zoe
9736 Views | 28 Comments | 8/10/2013 3:11:24 PM

How much thought is really required in matters of the heart.

The last day, H finished work early and we drove to Stuttgart, stayed in a hotel for the night, the next morning I would go from there to Frankfurt airport. Just a couple of days ago I was sitting by his side, driving home from Stuttgart, and it was full of joy for the wonderful reunite moment with H, now I was again by his side but had to be parting from him, could not help but being overwhelmingly sad.

I turned to the right side and looked out of the window, there was so much I was going to say but sticking in my throat. All in all, I was confused about what was going to be the next step, and, the future.

I naturally am not talkative, even communicated fewer with H during my staying in Germany. I understood, it’s not enough to make a decision for a future just after being together for several days; I also understood that he would not believe I was ready to follow him wherever although it’s only a few days. I knew I was crazy, I also knew that he would not promise anything….

H started first, Zoe, you looked out, don’t you want to talk with me? So what is next? How are we going to continue?

I was a bit pissed off, why always asked me, is he saying NO to me tactfully signaling me to give up by myself? Obviously he knows I have been whole hearted to him, and he owns the initiative to say yes or no to me, what’s the hell that he is acting like this to me?

I asked back to him, How do you think? How are we going to continue?

He said, you know it’s not enough for being only a few days, I of course hope to stay with you longer, but my case doesn’t allow me. I am newly hired to manage this company, all the people there are looking at me, I come to work every day with huge pressure, if I cannot make something different, then my head is here. My target is to make this company one of the best in this field within five years, my next target is to sit in the board of the group.

Therefore in these years I have to live in Germany, of course I will go to China but it will be only business trip for short time. Maybe we go together for vacation next year, but to be honest, I really don’t know how we are going to continue this relationship. And one point should be clear, that I am not the guy that gives you every day a call saying ‘hi babe, how are you, I want to kiss you’, it’s just not me, I want a relationship that if I want to kiss her, then she is here that I can really do…

I knew it’s over, he was telling me that this relationship was going nowhere, but I still tried to hold it, and said, H, I like you, from the first sight when you entered PIZZA HUT, if you were in China, no matter which city, I could quit my job and come to the city where you are and find a job there. It’s true that I have no profession, but in China because I speak English, it’s not that hard to find a job for me, then we would have enough time to stay together.

But now you are in Germany, you have a good position and it’s impossible that you would return to China. But the truth is that I want to be with you, so the only way is I shall find a way to come here. You have a factory in Wuxi, is it possible that I can get a job in your factory, then perhaps I can get to come to Germany for 3 months? After 3 months, if we decide to be together, then I stay in Germany, if not I go back to China.

You’ve ever asked me, if I come to Germany I must have my life target, otherwise I would not be happy. I understand what you mean, but frankly to say, I cannot answer yet, for I don’t speak German, I know nothing about Germany, I don’t have profession, and I don’t know what I can do here.

I used to say that my dream is to run a coffee shop, but I also understand that it’s not possible in the near future for me, for sure I will try. Now my dream is to be with you, this would be the happiest thing right now for me.

He said, okay, let me think about it.

他说,仅这几天当然不会有任何结论,我当然希望能跟你多待些日子。可是我的现状不允许,我是被聘过来管理这个公司,公司里上上下下都在看着我,我每天带着巨大的压力到公司,如果不做出些成果,我的头就得搁那儿。我目标是在五年内,把公司做成在德国本行业里一流的公司,我的下一个目标是进入集团高层管理团队。所以这几年,我都得在德国,即使去中国也是短时的工作出差,也许我们明年一起去度假。坦白说,我真的不知道该如果继续我们之间的这份感情,我肯定不是你期望的那样每天打个长途电话,oh,babe, I miss you, I want to kiss you. It’s just not me……

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(Showing 1 to 10 of 28) 1 2 3 More...
#2013-08-10 15:21:57 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

"Let me think about it." has to possible meanings, and I am wondering what you thought he meant Zoe, when he uttered those words?

Did he mean he needed to think about whether or not he wanted to pursue the relationship by having you move to Germany, which would not be very hopeful of having a relationship that would last a lifetime, since it suggests his heart was not really in it or he wouldn't have to think about it at all.

Or did he mean he needed time to figure out the logistics of making it work, how to get you to Germany, what you would do when you arrived (maybe study the German language), how to make your lives together work, etc. If he meant that, then it would be a strong sign that his heart was in it.

In your heart, what did you think he meant and how were you feeling about it?

#2013-08-10 22:09:23 by zhangxiujin @zhangxiujin


Hi John
To be honest, it would not make any difference to know what he meant or how I was feeling about his words. From the very begining, it was only me who wanted more than "just having a cup of coffee together" from this relationship; and it was me who was diving into this relationship and swimming to him without having a thought about whether or not he would be there ashore for me.
Being stupid or passionate, as judged or labled by others. I know if all this could be replayed, I no doubte would walk on the same path leading to what I am today.

#2013-08-11 09:35:26 by ciscohawk @ciscohawk


I am sorry to tell you honest truth. This man is just not good. I do not understand why you like this German man. He is not nice to you... why do women like men who are not nice to them-this I do not understand.

He has repeatedly stood you up and has treated you with disrespect. He was even very late at train station when you traveled thousands of miles to be with him.

He also made to take train? You were cold outside waiting for him.

I would have met you at the airport I do not care if it were a thousand miles to get there... I would have been there at the airport and no complaints with open arms. You were probably scared in strange country-And a woman who must be protected from bad elements in the world.

I do not like this man... he is a not gentleman.

#2013-08-11 13:16:56 by lisa0221bj @lisa0221bj


#2013-08-11 15:51:16 by anonymous7135 @anonymous7135

If without to understand a man's heart?
It should be a man ask you agree and arrange more for you a chinese woman should not to open self to diving very soon....even the man did treasure the relationship with you in beginning.

#2013-08-11 16:58:39 by 345 @345


#2013-08-11 20:46:38 by anonymous7137 @anonymous7137

我完全赞同 ciscohawk @的观点。我看了你所有的博客,很动情,很感人,你是一个很重感情的女人,看的出你爱他爱远远超出于他爱你。他可能一开始和你交往时也没想过要和你有一个结果,很多西方男士都是这样,走一步看一歩,而大多数的中国女人都是带着结婚的目的去和一个男人交往,因此分手之后很多女人都会有一种被欺骗的感觉,其实两相情愿的事情哪来谁欺骗谁呢?可能只是中西方文化的差异吧,我很理解你的心情,一个事业成功的男人一定是在压力下生活的,当他和一个女人交往,恋爱时,不想有任何的压力,他们只想充分享受爱情带来的快乐,或许随着时间的推移你的爱给他带来了巨大的压力,他可能觉得要想和你永远在一起的话,这条路太漫长了,所以他选择了逃避。
我很同情你,长距离的恋爱确实很累,很难维系,我觉得你那个H 挺自私的。zoe,坚强点,忘了他,好好爱自己,总有一天你会找到你的那个MR RIGHT.

#2013-08-11 21:01:41 by ZootMurph @ZootMurph

I think the big problem is the difference in thought processes from the different cultures. When he asked you what you how we continue, from my perspective he is showing he values your opinion by giving you the chance to speak it without being influenced by his own opinion. You said this pissed you off, when, from my viewpoint, it should be the opposite. You should be happy to know your opinion means something. I have come across this with the woman I am serious about now. Every time I ask for her opinion, she feels like I am telling her something negative. When, in honest truth, I value her opinion and would like to hear her express her opinion before I say my own opinion. I've found saying my opinion first taints her own opinion.

I am finding, and have found from many others with Chinese wives, that one of the biggest problems in a relationship like this is learning and understanding the different cultures and the thoughts within the cultures.

Overall, I find your story very interesting, stimulating, and most importantly, a good reference to learn more about the cultural differences. I feel, on some levels, my journey matches yours. I look forward to the rest of the story, and to more understanding. Thank you for sharing it with us.

#2013-08-11 23:07:43 by purplesea1970 @purplesea1970


#2013-08-11 23:55:15 by shellnong @shellnong

Zoe, 我想,这个男人不爱你,至少不够爱你。



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