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Born and raised in a small and remote village of China with two siblings, Zoe had a childhood with wild freedom in nature. After finishing her education at Dalian Foreign Languages University, she has been living and working in Dalian. A woman of strong feelings and a passion for life, Zoe's first series of vibrant articles will tell you about the rollercoaster ride that was her first serious relationship with a Western man. There is much you can learn from her telling story. After that we'll see where else she can take us and what other wonderful experiences she might share.
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The End of Our Relationship Part 23 - The Thinking Time    

By Zoe
9627 Views | 28 Comments | 8/10/2013 3:11:24 PM

How much thought is really required in matters of the heart.

The last day, H finished work early and we drove to Stuttgart, stayed in a hotel for the night, the next morning I would go from there to Frankfurt airport. Just a couple of days ago I was sitting by his side, driving home from Stuttgart, and it was full of joy for the wonderful reunite moment with H, now I was again by his side but had to be parting from him, could not help but being overwhelmingly sad.

I turned to the right side and looked out of the window, there was so much I was going to say but sticking in my throat. All in all, I was confused about what was going to be the next step, and, the future.

I naturally am not talkative, even communicated fewer with H during my staying in Germany. I understood, it’s not enough to make a decision for a future just after being together for several days; I also understood that he would not believe I was ready to follow him wherever although it’s only a few days. I knew I was crazy, I also knew that he would not promise anything….

H started first, Zoe, you looked out, don’t you want to talk with me? So what is next? How are we going to continue?

I was a bit pissed off, why always asked me, is he saying NO to me tactfully signaling me to give up by myself? Obviously he knows I have been whole hearted to him, and he owns the initiative to say yes or no to me, what’s the hell that he is acting like this to me?

I asked back to him, How do you think? How are we going to continue?

He said, you know it’s not enough for being only a few days, I of course hope to stay with you longer, but my case doesn’t allow me. I am newly hired to manage this company, all the people there are looking at me, I come to work every day with huge pressure, if I cannot make something different, then my head is here. My target is to make this company one of the best in this field within five years, my next target is to sit in the board of the group.

Therefore in these years I have to live in Germany, of course I will go to China but it will be only business trip for short time. Maybe we go together for vacation next year, but to be honest, I really don’t know how we are going to continue this relationship. And one point should be clear, that I am not the guy that gives you every day a call saying ‘hi babe, how are you, I want to kiss you’, it’s just not me, I want a relationship that if I want to kiss her, then she is here that I can really do…

I knew it’s over, he was telling me that this relationship was going nowhere, but I still tried to hold it, and said, H, I like you, from the first sight when you entered PIZZA HUT, if you were in China, no matter which city, I could quit my job and come to the city where you are and find a job there. It’s true that I have no profession, but in China because I speak English, it’s not that hard to find a job for me, then we would have enough time to stay together.

But now you are in Germany, you have a good position and it’s impossible that you would return to China. But the truth is that I want to be with you, so the only way is I shall find a way to come here. You have a factory in Wuxi, is it possible that I can get a job in your factory, then perhaps I can get to come to Germany for 3 months? After 3 months, if we decide to be together, then I stay in Germany, if not I go back to China.

You’ve ever asked me, if I come to Germany I must have my life target, otherwise I would not be happy. I understand what you mean, but frankly to say, I cannot answer yet, for I don’t speak German, I know nothing about Germany, I don’t have profession, and I don’t know what I can do here.

I used to say that my dream is to run a coffee shop, but I also understand that it’s not possible in the near future for me, for sure I will try. Now my dream is to be with you, this would be the happiest thing right now for me.

He said, okay, let me think about it.

最后一天,H早早从公司回家,我们开车到斯图加特,在宾馆住一晚,第二天早上从那儿坐火车到法兰克福机场,免得天不亮就得起床从家里赶。
想着几天前才欢欢喜喜地坐在他的旁边,从斯图加特往家开,享受着跟H重聚的美妙,眨眼间就要分离了,此刻,我满心的惆怅。
我别过脸看着窗外,内心千言万语,却无从开口,其实归为一句话:未来会如何?
我本来不善言谈,在德国的这几天,跟H交流更少。我明白,短短几天的时间,不足够确定未来;我也明白,他不会相信即使认识才不久,我愿意追随他到天涯海角;我更明白,他不会对我有任何承诺。
H先开口,说,你看着窗外,不想跟我说话吗?我们未来如何继续?
我有些生气,为什么总是问我,是在婉言回绝我,让我先放弃吗?他明明知道我对他的一片深情,而主动权就在他手里,为什么总要我说。我反问他,你的想法呢?我们该如何继续?
他说,仅这几天当然不会有任何结论,我当然希望能跟你多待些日子。可是我的现状不允许,我是被聘过来管理这个公司,公司里上上下下都在看着我,我每天带着巨大的压力到公司,如果不做出些成果,我的头就得搁那儿。我目标是在五年内,把公司做成在德国本行业里一流的公司,我的下一个目标是进入集团高层管理团队。所以这几年,我都得在德国,即使去中国也是短时的工作出差,也许我们明年一起去度假。坦白说,我真的不知道该如果继续我们之间的这份感情,我肯定不是你期望的那样每天打个长途电话,oh,babe, I miss you, I want to kiss you. It’s just not me……
我明白这意味着什么,我们的未来就此要终结,可我仍然想试图挽留。我说,H,我喜欢你,从第一眼看见你站在必胜客的入口就喜欢了,如果你在中国,无论哪个城市,我都可以把工作辞掉,到你所在的地方找工作,在中国,因为我讲英语,所以找份工作还是比较容易的,我们可以有足够的时间在一起。可是你现在德国,你现在有一份很好的职位,你不可能放弃当前再回中国去,可是我想跟你在一起,那么只能想办法我到这边来。你们不是在无锡有工厂吗,能否在无锡给我一个职位,然后派我到这边三个月,三个月后如果我们决定在一起,我就留下来,如果无法在一起,我回中国。你曾经问过我,如果到德国定居,我必须有自己的生活目标,否则我不会快乐。我明白你的意思,但坦白说,我现在回答不上来,我还不会德语,我不了解这边,我没有任何专业,我不知道我能干什么,曾跟你说过我的梦想是开一个咖啡屋,我明白短时间内这个愿望不会实现,但我会努力。我现在想的,就是只要能跟你在一起我就是快乐的。
他说,请让我考虑考虑。

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Comments
(Showing 1 to 10 of 28) 1 2 3 More...
#2013-08-10 15:21:57 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

"Let me think about it." has to possible meanings, and I am wondering what you thought he meant Zoe, when he uttered those words?

Did he mean he needed to think about whether or not he wanted to pursue the relationship by having you move to Germany, which would not be very hopeful of having a relationship that would last a lifetime, since it suggests his heart was not really in it or he wouldn't have to think about it at all.

Or did he mean he needed time to figure out the logistics of making it work, how to get you to Germany, what you would do when you arrived (maybe study the German language), how to make your lives together work, etc. If he meant that, then it would be a strong sign that his heart was in it.

In your heart, what did you think he meant and how were you feeling about it?

#2013-08-10 22:09:23 by zhangxiujin @zhangxiujin

@JohnAbbot

Hi John
To be honest, it would not make any difference to know what he meant or how I was feeling about his words. From the very begining, it was only me who wanted more than "just having a cup of coffee together" from this relationship; and it was me who was diving into this relationship and swimming to him without having a thought about whether or not he would be there ashore for me.
Being stupid or passionate, as judged or labled by others. I know if all this could be replayed, I no doubte would walk on the same path leading to what I am today.

#2013-08-11 09:35:26 by ciscohawk @ciscohawk

Zoe,

I am sorry to tell you honest truth. This man is just not good. I do not understand why you like this German man. He is not nice to you... why do women like men who are not nice to them-this I do not understand.

He has repeatedly stood you up and has treated you with disrespect. He was even very late at train station when you traveled thousands of miles to be with him.

He also made to take train? You were cold outside waiting for him.

I would have met you at the airport I do not care if it were a thousand miles to get there... I would have been there at the airport and no complaints with open arms. You were probably scared in strange country-And a woman who must be protected from bad elements in the world.

I do not like this man... he is a not gentleman.

#2013-08-11 13:16:56 by lisa0221bj @lisa0221bj

期待!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#2013-08-11 15:51:16 by anonymous7135 @anonymous7135

If without marriage...how to understand a man's heart?
It should be a man ask you agree and arrange more for you first....as a chinese woman should not to open self to diving very soon....even the man did treasure the relationship with you in beginning.

#2013-08-11 16:58:39 by 345 @345

也许,他也有他的苦衷,同样,你们也在一起不长时间,肯定没有那么快就得到了爱,他也有他有人生目标!!!

#2013-08-11 20:46:38 by anonymous7137 @anonymous7137

Zoe,
我完全赞同 ciscohawk @的观点。我看了你所有的博客,很动情,很感人,你是一个很重感情的女人,看的出你爱他爱远远超出于他爱你。他可能一开始和你交往时也没想过要和你有一个结果,很多西方男士都是这样,走一步看一歩,而大多数的中国女人都是带着结婚的目的去和一个男人交往,因此分手之后很多女人都会有一种被欺骗的感觉,其实两相情愿的事情哪来谁欺骗谁呢?可能只是中西方文化的差异吧,我很理解你的心情,一个事业成功的男人一定是在压力下生活的,当他和一个女人交往,恋爱时,不想有任何的压力,他们只想充分享受爱情带来的快乐,或许随着时间的推移你的爱给他带来了巨大的压力,他可能觉得要想和你永远在一起的话,这条路太漫长了,所以他选择了逃避。
多数男人是很理性,很现实的,当他们觉得这个目标只有10%的可能性会实现,他们会选择放弃,毕竟你们不在同一个国家。而且据你所诉,你的那个H,是个非常潇洒,风度翩翩,事业有成的男人,这样的男人不论走到哪里都会有不少女人追求,德国女人很开放,而且在德国也有不少中国女人,就算他喜欢中国女人,你想想看,他何必要舍近求远呢?我觉得这篇帖子里他最后和你说的那段话,其实也是有很多不确定的因素在里面了,换言之,他也就是在暗示你,你们是没有结果的了。他说会考虑,只不过是一种不想让双方尴尬的借口罢了,他想让你们之间留下一个美好的回忆吧。德国人在工作上一向以严谨著称,你让他给你在他们公司无锡工厂安排个工作,你说可能吗?德国人是不会把私人关系带进公司的,这不是中国人,找工作托托关系就行了。
我很同情你,长距离的恋爱确实很累,很难维系,我觉得你那个H 挺自私的。zoe,坚强点,忘了他,好好爱自己,总有一天你会找到你的那个MR RIGHT.

#2013-08-11 21:01:41 by ZootMurph @ZootMurph

I think the big problem is the difference in thought processes from the different cultures. When he asked you what you how we continue, from my perspective he is showing he values your opinion by giving you the chance to speak it without being influenced by his own opinion. You said this pissed you off, when, from my viewpoint, it should be the opposite. You should be happy to know your opinion means something. I have come across this with the woman I am serious about now. Every time I ask for her opinion, she feels like I am telling her something negative. When, in honest truth, I value her opinion and would like to hear her express her opinion before I say my own opinion. I've found saying my opinion first taints her own opinion.

I am finding, and have found from many others with Chinese wives, that one of the biggest problems in a relationship like this is learning and understanding the different cultures and the thoughts within the cultures.

Overall, I find your story very interesting, stimulating, and most importantly, a good reference to learn more about the cultural differences. I feel, on some levels, my journey matches yours. I look forward to the rest of the story, and to more understanding. Thank you for sharing it with us.

#2013-08-11 23:07:43 by purplesea1970 @purplesea1970

Zoe:你这一系列的博客写的优美、真实。虽然结果不是你希望的,但是过程是美好的,从字里行间便可以知道。即便H先生,他也一直对你是诚实的,并没有玩弄感情,只是,现实在那里,也许你愿意努力,而他选择了放弃。多年以后,想想自己年轻时曾经千里奔波到一个陌生的国度,只为和心爱的人相守片刻,一定会感激生活的赐予。你已经努力过了,这组文字就是最好的记忆和纪念。庆幸自己在这段感情中爱的优雅、爱的真切,爱的没有失去自己吧。不是每一段感情都有好的结局,但是从容的放手,也是一种圆满。

#2013-08-11 23:55:15 by shellnong @shellnong

Zoe, 我想,这个男人不爱你,至少不够爱你。
热情、激情、爱情,我想,是三种完全不同的情感,区别很大。

离开他,把自己的注意力放在吸引自己真正的灵魂伴侣上面,完全没有必要把精力和时间放在一段并不合适的情感里面。要一个女人去忘记一个自己喜爱的男人或一段爱情往事,是比较困难的,既然忘不了,那就不要刻意去忘记好了,既然无法放下,那就不要放下好了,那就先放在一旁好了,把注意力转移到追求和想象自己真正想要的理想爱情里去。

把自己变得更好,才能吸引到更好的人。灵魂伴侣,完全是自己吸引来的,同频相吸!
祝你幸福!早日吸引到自己满意的伴侣!

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