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Born and raised in a small and remote village of China with two siblings, Zoe had a childhood with wild freedom in nature. After finishing her education at Dalian Foreign Languages University, she has been living and working in Dalian. A woman of strong feelings and a passion for life, Zoe's first series of vibrant articles will tell you about the rollercoaster ride that was her first serious relationship with a Western man. There is much you can learn from her telling story. After that we'll see where else she can take us and what other wonderful experiences she might share.
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The Door Is Closed 门已关上    

By Zoe
28332 Views | 118 Comments | 10/4/2014 3:08:25 PM

When one door closes, another door opens. Kiss him or her goodbye and find someone better!

Today, or more precisely, yesterday, September 6th, because I just now turned to my left side and looked at the clock, it is 2am now, I met H. yes, my dear readers, after two years, or 23 months (I visited him in Germany and was back to China on the 6th of October in 2012), I met this guy again, in city B, Germany. We were sitting for three hours and had coffee together. 

Last month, I sent him a message, Hi, H, I am in city B, Germany, studying here. If you happen to be nearby, let me know, maybe we have a coffee together. 

But immediately I hated myself the moment I pressed the SEND button, perhaps it’s a mistake again, I wanted to slap myself. 

He didn’t reply, and I was released that he didn’t, I thought maybe he didn’t want to, or maybe he didn’t get my message. Anyway, it’s the best that I would not see him again. Why? Maybe because I felt so embarrassed for acting that crazy back then. Although deeply in me, I wanted to see him again. 

Last week I got a message in facebook from H, Hi, Zoe, I will be in your area on 06, 09. Will you be available to meet? 

The moment I saw his message, I “jumped” straight up from the chair (please forgive me my English, I don’t know which word to use here to tell my shock) and started circling in my room, actually there is not much space for me to circle, besides the table, bed and chair, there are perhaps 2 square meters left on the floor. Half hour later, I sat in the chair back to my computer, wanted to say NO, but my fingers were not moving according to my brain, and typed YES. 

The previous day, 05, 09, I wanted to send him a message to say, Please don’t come, I cannot meet you. I picked up the phone 50 times, and put it down again 50 times, I could not decide. I took my bike and rode on the street randomly, I didn’t know where I was riding to, until I reached somewhere in the forest, still couldn’t decide. Then got a phone call from a friend, she asked if I had time for coffee, she just had a fight with her boyfriend. Yes, yes, I have time, of course. 

She came to me, we had coffee, and I cooked something for us for dinner, I listened to her bullshit, it’s good, that I could put away mine. 

By the time she left, it was 11:30 in the evening. I turned off the phone, lying on bed, read some pages, turned off the light, said to myself in dark, let it come, whatever. 



He didn’t change, not at all. 

Sitting beside him again in his car on the way to the city center, I was quite moony and blur, but I played cool, minimum I think I did. 

I am not going to bother my readers with details of what we said in the three hours sitting. He was quite surprised that I made it to study now in Germany. Most of the time we made jokes, he is quite good at jokes, and I was surprised by myself that I could be that cool although I saw my hand was shaking when holding the cup. 

His eyes were gentle again looking at me, he told me, you shall eat more, you are extremely slim now. I dared not look at his eyes, I said to myself, please don’t be so gentle, so good to me. 

He then brought up the topic why he disappeared suddenly after my visit back two years ago:

The time before, during and after your visit, I was extremely under pressure in this job, I just moved back to Germany, I wanted to spend more time with you, I was happy that you came to visit me, but I was just not there, everything was in a mess, two weeks after your left, I lost my mother – the most important and close person in my life, but I had to start working one week after. The whole me was in a black hole, I could not put even one nerve on a relationship. I knew it was totally not right that I didn’t answer you for one word, but I thought you might be cool down after a while, if I talked back to you, I might light the fire again in you. 

I appreciated what he said to me, but I knew the true reason was that I was not the type of woman he wanted. 

He also told me that he was in a serious relationship right now, and they might get married soon. 

When he was telling me this, I said, good, wow, good, wow, good for you. And I was still smiling. But, damn it, I hate myself.  

He drove me back to my dormitory, and would drive another 4 hours back to his place. We shook hands, he said, Zoe, remember what I say now, if you need anything, any help, just give me a call, I will do everything to help you. I said, thanks, I will. 

Came into my room, my legs were limp as a dish rag, my head aching as hammer hamming inside. I threw myself onto bed, started to cry, loudly. 

It’s the first time to cry since I came to Germany. I didn’t cry when I got off the train at midnight and found that I came to the wrong city; I didn’t cry that I had to work 4.5 hours for free only to pay for a stupid glass jar that I broke in the shop, which costs maybe only 10RMB in China; I didn’t cry when I had only 2 Euros in my pocket and thought no problem because I would work that day, only then did I get informed by my boss, Zoe, you don’t need to work this week, we close the shop for a week. 

That moment I was crying, loudly.

For what, I don’t know. Perhaps, for what I went through in these two years; for my stupidity; for my toughness; for his being so gentle to me today; for his driving 4 hours to come see me”; for his “might get married soon”; for “why it’s not me”; for “why couldn’t he just say, Zoe, sorry, you are just not my type”; for my stupid decision to meet him again.

I know I will never ask help from him, no matter how difficult it will be for living in a foreign country, maybe I will when I am homeless and hungry on the street, but I know I would never get there. 

I stood up from bed, called to my friends, girls, let’s go for a drink, I must see you now.

We, four girls, pretty and sexy, sitting in our favorite bar, drank and laughed our bullshit, fuck off, guys, fuck off, relationship!

We walked back in midnight, steps peddled on the old street of this old city, only our laughter is heard…

Now I am sitting here, 3am, typing the last part of “me and H”. Wait, I shall close the door.

Yes, the door is closed… 



 



今天,确切地说,是昨天,9月6日,因为我刚刚看了看表,现在是凌晨2点, 我见到了H。是的,我亲爱的读者,两年后,不,应该说是23个月后,因为我在2012年的10月份来看他,10月6号离开回大连,整整23个月后的这天,我又见到了这个人,在德国B市,我们坐在大街上一起喝咖啡,整整喝了3个小时。

上个月,我发了个信息给他,是的,我很贱贱地又发了信息给他,嗨,H,我现在德国B市读书,如果哪天你碰巧在这附近,一起喝咖啡吧。

点了发送键后,我想扇自己耳光。

他没有回复。我倒是松了口气,也许他不想回,也许他没看到信息,不管什么原因,还好他没回,因为我觉得再见他,很丢脸,自己以前的疯狂和愚蠢让我觉得很丢脸,我不能再见到他,虽然内心还是想见。 

上周,在脸书上收到H一条信息,嗨Zoe,9月6日我打算去B市,你那天有时间吗,我们见个面。

读到信息的那一秒,我腾地从椅子上站起来,开始在屋里转圈,其实房间里除了床桌子椅子还剩不到2平米让我转圈。半小时后,我坐回到椅子上,想说,不见了。但我的手指好像不受大脑指挥,在电脑上打上,好的,并发送了。

9月5日,约定见面的前一天下午,我想发信息给他,告诉他不要来了,我不能见你。手机被我拿到手里50次,又放回桌上50次,我下不了决心。带上钥匙骑车出去,在大街上无目的向前骑,不知道要去哪,一直到了一片深林里。这时接到朋友一个电话,问我有没有时间喝咖啡,她刚跟男友吵架了。我说,有的,有的,当然有时间。

她来到我的房间,我们一起喝咖啡,然后我又做了晚饭一起吃,我听她和男友的烦心事,挺好,这倒让我把自己乱七八糟的烦心事给抛到脑后了。

朋友离开后已经11点半了,我关掉手机,躺在床上,看了会书,熄灭台灯,在黑暗中对自己说,见吧,你想见他,该来的总会来。



他一点都没变。

他开车,我坐在他的旁边,往市内的路上,我有些恍惚,两次指错了路,但我努力不让他看到我的紧张。

亲爱的读者们,放心,在这里我不会把三个小时里跟他的对话都啰啰嗦嗦写下来。大部分时间我们在轻松地开玩笑,他本是个很幽默的人,而我至少在外表上看起来很轻松,这倒是让我自己也很吃惊,因为我分明看到自己端着杯子的手在抖。

他看我的眼神又温柔起来,又看着我说,你要多吃饭,你现在看起来太瘦了。

我不敢看他的眼睛,心里在喊,请不要这样,请不要对我这么温柔。

后来他提出了以前的话题,解释给我为什么当时一声不吭就消失了,从此一无所踪。

你到德国来看我的前后,那段时间正是我工作上最关键,压力最大的时期,我又刚搬回德国,我当时也希望能跟你多些时间在一起,可我做不到。你走后的第二周,我妈妈去世了,毫无征兆,突然人就走了,我失去了这个世界上跟我最亲近对我来说最重要的人,可是一周后我还要回公司继续工作。我整个人每天就处在一个黑洞里,我根本没有一点心思要考虑感情的事。我知道自己对你那么残忍一声不吭就断了联系,也知道不该那样,可我不能突然再给你任何回复,因为也许我的一句话或一个邮件都会再给你带来希望,我想,也许过一段时间,你自己会平静下来,重新开始你的生活。

我感激他这样对我说,也许他觉得这样说会让我感觉好一些。可是,我心里很清楚,最最真实的原因是,我不是他想要的女人。以前不是,现在也不是。

他还告诉我他有了自己喜欢的人,也许不久会结婚。

他在跟我说这个时,我说,哇,好啊,哇,好啊,好啊,哇。我脸上仍然带着微笑,可我心里恨自己,是的,恨我自己。

他送我回宿舍,然后再开4个小时回他的城市。站在我的楼下,临别时,我们微笑着握手。他说,Zoe,记住我要说的话,如果你有任何困难,需要任何帮助,给我打电话,我一定会帮你,无论是什么。我说,好的,谢谢你,我记住了。

回到房间,双腿软的像一团棉花,头像有锤子在里面敲击似的剧痛欲裂。我把自己扔到床上,大哭起来,哇哇地大哭。

这是我到德国五个月以来第一次哭。坐错火车半夜下车到了不知名的地方时我没有哭;打碎店里的一只玻璃杯所以我要免费工作4个半小时来赔偿这只在中国只值10块钱的破杯子时我没哭;乐呵呵跑到店里要开始当天的工作可老板说Zoe你这周不用工作因为我们要闭店一周而我口袋里只剩下2欧元时我没哭。 

此时此刻,我在哇哇大哭。

为什么哭,我说不清。也许是哭自己这两年的经历;也许是哭自己的坚强和愚蠢;也许是哭他今天对我的温柔;也许是哭他开车4小时来跟我见面又开4小时回去;也许是哭“我们也许不久会结婚”;也许是哭“为什么不能是我”;也许是哭“他为什么不能直接告诉我对不起Zoe你不是我喜欢的类型”;也许是哭自己再次愚蠢地决定跟他见面。

我知道无论在国外生活有多难,自己都不会向他求助,也许有一天我在大街上饿肚子无路可走时会求助于他,可我知道我永远不会有这一天。

哭完后,我从床上坐起来,给朋友打电话,姐们儿,我们去喝一杯吧,我现在很想见你们。

我们四个女人,或漂亮或性感,坐在经常去的酒吧里,大说大笑,嘲笑女人的愚蠢,诅咒男人的无情 – 见鬼去吧,爱情,见鬼去吧,男人。

半夜时我们走路回宿舍,走在这座古老的城市的古老的大街上,安静的大概十个街区内只能听到我们四个女人的笑声。

现在是凌晨3点,我在窗前敲击着“我和H”的最后一部分。等等,门还开着,我得关上。

好了,门已关上。


Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
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(Showing 1 to 10 of 118) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 More... Last
#2014-10-04 15:27:53 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

Zoe - this was a stunning piece of writing, both eloquent and raw, both sophisticated and simple. I have been deeply moved by your entire series about H and the end of your relationship. But I am doubly moved now.

I only hope that you really have closed that door. The time has come my girl, the time has come. When one door closes, another door opens. Quickly now, step through that open door and out into the sunshine where you so deserve to be!

Cheers to you Zoe, great blog, great ending (clap)

#2014-10-04 15:36:21 by RobertB @RobertB

Dear Zoe. It is life. In fact, you were somewhat "lucky" that you could still meet him and talk to him and he told you the truth. It is not your fault of course that they found each other and liked as much as to hope for life together.
Now, you have a good chance to go out and meet someone who can be your match.
It is hard to find someone right. That is why we try so hard. Still if you look at the world, there are so many people.. All of them were born because of relationship success - this is a simplification but yes people find each other.
Don't be scared or ashamed. Life and love is like air, you cannot see it, you can feel it.
How do you look for something you cannot see?

#2014-10-04 15:36:48 by zqy2014 @zqy2014

Although the ending story seems crue for you but you absolutely need that. Love blindly, without principle, lose self-ego, unlimited forgiving, concession and compromise can't win the love you want...I wish you have a brand new start in Germany including study, caree and love...

#2014-10-04 16:09:01 by anonymous12137 @anonymous12137

无论什么原因,如果一个男人不主动联系,或跟你说暂时没有结婚的打算,那只是因为,你不是他想要的女人。

#2014-10-04 16:29:20 by destiny1 @destiny1

zoe,你是如此率真,你的文字带着我的心起起伏伏,我一直在感动中,泪盈盈的,心里很不是滋味。算了,让他走远吧,从此你的心也许可以变得平静。祝福你异国他乡快乐和幸福!

#2014-10-04 16:30:06 by RobertB @RobertB

Forget all that. Imagine that you are just living your life.
Sometimes things happen very easily, some other times they cannot.
By the way I would like to point one thing to you.
Please take it easy. When you refer to the past, and you are telling a story where essentially you were in the past then,, please use word "before" instead of "ago".
"Ago" refers to the past looked at from now.
So, like 3 000 years ago... that is 2000 BC.
My convoluted example goes here: "Two years before I came to China for the first time, I decided to not give up on dating Chinese women. ".
If I used two years ago, I would have meant 2012, if we are in 2014 now. But I have used before, I came to China. so, if I came to China last year, that makes 3 years back and it is 2011 that this happened.
Now, I think that deep down you knew the outcome and that is why you were hesitant to meet him in the first place. It is not unknown for people to have the gut feeling that stops them sometimes from making mistakes.
Still I am sure you wanted to see him for the last time and see any changes in him.
There is always a hope..
Well, it is not nice but we have to get through our lives ..
I wish you the best.

#2014-10-04 18:27:59 by QinQL @QinQL

I could not help to want to call you, Zoe, when I read what you write:

“It’s the first time to cry since I came to Germany.”

“I didn’t cry when I got off the train at midnight and found that I came to the wrong city; ”

“I didn’t cry …”

“I didn’t cry …”

“That moment I was crying, loudly.”

You have shown us your best personality both strong and weak. I admire you, Zoe.

I also like these 2 sentences you left in the picture

“A new door cannot be opened until you have the courage to close the one behind. ”

“When one door closes, another door opens. Kiss him or her goodbye and find someone better! ”

#2014-10-04 18:33:46 by purplesea1970 @purplesea1970

H was part of your memories,part of your life,although you got few from him,although you tried your best to catch him,but it is life.
Scientists say,it is take 7 years to forget love totally.
So just move on,Zoe,this door is closed,and a new window will be opened.
Take care,nice girl.

#2014-10-04 19:16:07 by 2396julia @2396julia

Sorry Zoe,之前不知道你去德国重新开始。所以说了“难得你还没看透这虚伪的人生……”之类的话。不该给你增加压力的,Sorry。
什么母亲去世之类的鬼话,解读过来就是你们结束了,让你彻底死心。
总之,宁可要饭也别再联系他了。连情人都不肯让你做,因为他要考虑社会影响,怕甩不掉呗!

#2014-10-04 19:35:09 by 2396julia @2396julia

Zoe,见好就收吧!千万别再去找他了……
开4小时的车来看你,说明他态度还是不错的。要是再去找,那就太烦人啦!
没什么比拥有实实在在的人与爱情更美好的事情了,别再想他了。

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