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Born in the UK but now living in Australia, Paul Fox has travelled to many places throughout China. He has seen the lighter side, the darker side, both the gentle and the seedy sides. He documents his experiences and is willing to share them with anyone who wants to listen. He is not afraid to say things exactly how he sees them, and is quite happy to "name and shame" when necessary.
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The DDH revisited. One Crazy, Crazy Woman!    

By Paul Fox
1020 Views | 7 Comments | 12/10/2018 1:03:19 PM

Understanding Chinese Women Requires Some Serious Study

~~It seems like a lifetime since I wrote my series of blogs on the different types of women that you are likely to meet on CLM.

Although a little ‘tongue-in-cheek’ at the time, I never thought that I would be re-visiting this subject again - ever!

Especially on such a personal level as this.

The picture that is at the top of this blog may also be a little ‘tongue-in-cheek’ but it certainly should strike a chord with millions of men all over the world, as it brings us once again, to the hard truth that we will NEVER understand the fairer of our sex.



Enter once again, the DDH (Desperate Divorced Housewife). If you haven’t read it then maybe now is the time to check it out because I would rather not repeat her description right now.



Last August/September I met a lovely woman on CLM. We chatted daily for a few months and I felt ready to go to China to meet her. It was late November/early December and my pre-Christmas work was piling up so I told her that I would come during my Christmas holidays

She said that she would be busy right up until Chinese New Year (February) and as such she could not get any time off.

I accepted that, and not wanting to just ‘pop’ over to China for a weekend, I decided I would wait until Chinese holidays in February.

I wanted to get away during my own Christmas holidays and Thailand seemed the ideal spot.

I’m sure that if I had gone alone I would have ended up drunk on a bar floor every night and awoke each morning with some Thai bar girl or worse.

So the rest is now history and my Thailand trip is well documented here.



You may, however remember the fact that Amy deleted all of my female contacts from my phone and that included the lovely lady who is the topic of this blog.



I’m not going to name her, I’ll just refer to her as SJB for the purposes of this blog and suffice to understand that it was about 6 weeks in total that she and I had no contact.



She reads ALL my blogs here on CLM and so she is also well conversant with the Thailand stories.



True to my word, I met her in her home town just before Chinese New Year. We had a lovely dinner together and a chat about just about everything you can imagine.

In real life, SJB was more beautiful than her photos. A stunning lady with class, manners and a hidden sense of humour that I managed to spot on a few occasions.



She told me that she had missed our chats and that she had been very upset when I (apparently) deleted her from my phone contacts list. I explained that it wasn’t me and she accepted that, but I also needed to accept the fact that she could not have known this.



She went on to say that she had been chatting to a guy on CLM for a few weeks and that he was coming to meet her for the first time during the Spring Festival.



To be honest, I was very disappointed, angry with myself, but what was she supposed to do - right?

The weeks went by and I had been offered a teaching job in a city that’s about an hour and a half by bus from her city.

She went travelling during the Spring festival holidays, sent me messages most days (with photos of places etc) and although I knew the guy was with her, he was never mentioned.



Chinese New Years day, she was exceedingly quiet. No messages, no contacts, nothing!

Strange thoughts began to go through my head.....this was so out-of-character for her.



Eventually she told me that she had been outside all day with no wi-fi so that seemed a plausible explanation.

Days went by and the Spring Festival came to an end, people returned to work and I was preparing myself for a new teaching term.



SJB and I were still chatting every day and she started telling me about the New guy and their plans together for the future.

SJB said she would move to his country this year.



My first thoughts were - ‘Are you crazy?’

She cannot speak English for a start!



So I began to ask SJB some serious questions about what appeared (to me) to be a very quick and ‘rash’ decision.



Questions like -

How will you live and work?

You cannot speak the language, so how can you work?

How can you and he communicate?

What about your daughter? (who lives with her)

What about your Parents who need you here?

What about your job, your family, friends etc etc



Get the picture?



Her answer was quite simple - “We’ve agreed and that’s it, this is what we will do”

I asked her on many occasions if she had made the right decision and she refused to answer me.

One night we were chatting on Wechat quite late into the night and I began to tell her some ‘home-truths’. Things like she had made a crazy decision, this is fantasy-land, not real-world......you know........ the kind of stuff you say to someone you care about, who you think, sorry KNOW, is just about to make a BAD decision that will affect not only THEIR whole life, but also everyone around them.

Then comes the frustration.......

When SJB told me that EVERYTHING I was saying was 100% correct, that she agreed with me and kept saying “I know you are right”.....yet REFUSED to do anything positive to remedy these mistakes.....sure, that’s damn frustrating!



One night our conversation got a little ‘heated’ to say the least. She was agreeing with everything I was saying, yet kept telling me that it was ‘too late’.



I failed to understand, so I suggested she come over and we meet in person.

As I said, SJB speaks a tiny bit of English, but my Chinese has improved loads over the last few weeks and so we were able to spend a lovely afternoon together.

We had lunch, walked, drank coffee together. I showed her around the city, we laughed, joked, held hands etc and I felt great.

That little ‘schoolboy crush’ was creeping back in and I really felt that I was prepared to give things 100% effort and make a go of it with her.

After all, we were practically neighbours, we were chatting daily anyway and could easily take it in turns to go to each others city on the weekends.

Life was beginning to look up....or so I thought.......



I took SJB back to the bus station and made sure she made it in time so she could get home safely that evening. I asked her to let me know when she arrived home safely - which she did.



We had openly talked about a possible relationship and that it was actually POSSIBLE for us to have one between us. She could stay in China, no need to move..... work, family, friends etc......nothing would be disturbed.

A couple of nights ago we were chatting and she told me that she had been thinking about all the things I had said to her. She had decided NOT to go to his country For at least 2 more years. In a way, I was relieved. I agreed to go to her city this weekend to meet with her so we could spend more time together....Great!



Then it came.......

The BLOW.........

You know, that terrible big heavy thing that has a tendency to come crashing down and smash your heart to pieces just when it’s kind of making some ‘progress’?



Yep, you guessed it people!

She had known the guy for 6 weeks (approximately)

The guy who she cannot communicate with, cannot live with, cannot have a REAL relationship with was already her HUSBAND!

They had married during the Spring break and she kind-of ‘conveniently’ forgot to tell me.

Devastated?

Furious?

Hurt?

Upset?

You betchya!



All I got from her was ’It’s too late now, the paperwork is in the process”



I tried to create a simile for ease of explanation by telling her that if she ordered some food, and the chef was still cooking it, she could cancel the order right up until the point the food was put in front of her - and even then, she didn’t have to eat it!



She knows she cannot have any kind of ‘life’ with this guy. She KNOWS that she has made a huge mistake.



This whole story just reflects on my often-repeated words here “Hello, will you marry me?”



SJB, you are one crazy, hot-headed girl. You are destroying your life and the lives of the people who care about you

Your parents your friends, your family, your work.....all thrown in the rubbish bin....and for what?

You knew this guy for SIX WEEKS and married him on your first meeting....why?.....because he went to the trouble of organising some PAPERS?



Just because you got stuck in an online fantasy world where fairies live at the bottom of the pretty garden

This is REALITY. There are no ‘fairies’ and the garden is far from pretty!



I am not saying anything here that I have not said to her (personally) more times than I could count.

So now I am saying it publicly



Was it any of my ‘business’? Should I have kept my nose out?

I probably should just have walked away and left her to it - but that’s too easy. I just could not sit back and watch this lovely girl ruin her life like this



But essentially all my efforts were wasted - just as she appears to have wasted her life. Am I crazy ? Or is she?



 


Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
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#2018-12-10 13:02:47 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

First, my apologies for all, especially Paul, for failing to post this blog several days ago. I had a computer disaster and where I am it is really difficult to get a computer serviced by anyone who really has a clue what they are doing. I finally did get it resolved but it was no small task in doing so. 

Second, I need to explain why this particular blog may seem a little dated. It's because it is a little dated. For reasons I don't wish to go into detail about, I was reluctant to publish it back when it was written a few years ago. But I came across it here in the background a few days ago, just before my computer nightmare, and I realized that my reasons for not publishing it back then had since faded in importance, so I am publishing it now.

I think this is a great blog, and it does describe very clearly how differently some Chinese women, not all, think than their Western counterparts and certainly how hugely different than how Western men think. For new members, or those struggling a bit to understand the cultural hurdles to be crossed in cross cultural relationships, there's something to be learned from Paul's experiences that he has described here.

I urge you all to read the blog and then leave your thoughts, concerns or questions that arise in a comment here. I'm sure the old hands will be happy to give you their thoughts in response.

#2018-12-10 13:44:15 by Barry1 @Barry1

@paulfox1

 

I had to laugh when I opened this blog and almost immediately noticed it already had 430 page views - within minutes of it being published! This has to be a world record for this site!  (giggle)

 

Ah, then @JohnAbbot revealed that the blog had been written a few years ago. But still... who had read it over 400 times during this intervening period? :^)

 

To digress onto the main point of your article, let me offer the view that what you experienced back then would be unlikely to happen now. Because the middle classes of China have economically surged so much lately.  The appeal of living in a Western country isn't anywhere near what it used to be for a Chinese lady, even just ten years ago.

 

Have you, by the way, tried to reach out to this lass recently, to see what eventuated?

 

An entertaining read though, thanks Paul. I think you truly deserve to have a cold beer on me!  (beer)

 

 

#2018-12-10 20:26:41 by paulfox1 @paulfox1

Haha, that 'book' is just volume 1, lol.

I wrote this blog 3 years ago.

I had to re-read the whole thing again because I'd forgotten most mof it, but needless to say that it all came flooding back. In case you missed it, the reason she was 'quiet' on Chinese New Year's Day was because she was busy getting married.

Although this happened a long time ago now, I still speak with her occasionally on WeChat.

Back in 2015, (when this happened), we made a promise to each other never to delete each other's WeChat contact. She never has, which is testament to her honesty.

That said, I no longer think that I 'lost out' - I tend to think along the lines that she did, lol.

Anyway, for all our 'new' members, let this be a lesson to you if you have little or no experience with Chinese women.

'Face' is the most important thing in their world. Being 'single' or 'divorced' carries a stigma with it in Chinese society.

There's many-a-video going around that shows newly-weds performing their wedding-night 'nuptuals' too. This is not considered 'porn' in China, just proof that the couple have married and that the next thing they MUST do is have a baby.

We often joke that when you marry a Chinese girl, sex is great until she gets pregnant. After that, sex is just a memory. You can go out and root as many girls as you like, just don't get caught and bring 'shame' on the family.

Oh, and this was written 2 years before I became a 'conspiracy theorist', so you can rest assured it's about as real as it gets here in China.

#2018-12-11 15:07:28 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

"We often joke that when you marry a Chinese girl, sex is great until she gets pregnant. After that, sex is just a memory. You can go out and root as many girls as you like, just don't get caught and bring 'shame' on the family."

Paul, this is a real stretch and IMHO really unfair to Chinese women. And I am not sure who "we" is, but among my friends in China, I've never experienced "often joking" about "when you marry a Chinese girl, sex is great until she gets pregnant."

There is the occasional Chinese woman who will want to stop having sex as soon as she has achieved her goal of having a baby, and will happily allow her husband to then go have sex with anyone he wants, but frankly I doubt the percentage who feel that way is any higher than women in any other culture. I especially doubt that it's higher than the percentage of Western women who feel that way.

Between living in China for 11 years and owning 2 different businesses in China that cater to people who are meeting socially, including a bar and this website, I would say I have met and gotten to know hundreds of Chinese women well enough to know if they want their husbands to go out and cheat on them regularly rather than having sex with them. Damned few feel that way.

If anything Chinese women intensely dislike being treated that way by Chinese men and that's the number one reason they are interested in Western men. My experience is that far more of them are seriously jealous of the women who their husband is cheating with and he's far more likely to have his dick cut off than to be given carte blanche freedom to screw around.

If your Chinese wife suddenly wants to stop having sex and doesn't care if you go out and screw around, you can be pretty sure it's because she has realized you're an asshole and doesn't want anything to do with you, but because of the Chinese cultural pressures to stay married, she puts up with you remaining in her presence.

If she has recently had a baby she probably does want a break from sex for a while because she's exhausted from the extra work in caring for an infant and she's getting zero support in that regards from her slack ass husband, so she's hardly "in the mood". Again, this is no different than Western women would be in the same situation.

To you guys who are new to this, I will tell you, if you marry a Chinese woman who you don't love and adore enough that when she has your baby, you can't be bothered to help her raise your child, and you treat the child as if he is an obstacle of your enjoyment of life, then your wife will indeed stop wanting to have sex with you, because she will have discovered who you really are and she will stop loving you. Do not marry that woman in the first place. She obviously was not the right woman for you. 

Honestly, whatever culture you are in, if you have met a woman who really is the type to marry you just to have a baby from you, with the intention of no longer treating you like her husband as soon as that event has happened, you should have figured out that she is that kind of a woman long before you married her and had a child with her. Selfish, narcisistic (sp?) women generally cannot hide that feature for long, so you need to take your time with any woman and really get to know her before you marry her.

If you do not want a child, and won't treasure your child when he/she is born, and won't be willing to do your share of work in raising her from the moment she is born, then do not marry a Chinese woman who you know wants a baby. Do not have a child, ever, if having that child is not something you want more than anything else in life.

Paul often gives very good advice about living in China, crossing the cultural barriers and other things, but I think he missed the mark on that particular point.

#2018-12-11 15:21:44 by paulfox1 @paulfox1

Yep, I was being flippant as well as exaggerating.

I have an American friend here who is married to a Chinese lady. He assures me quite categorically that he gets a two-fingered hand-job every birthday.(rofl)(rofl)(rofl)

#2018-12-12 00:10:10 by anonymous18841 @anonymous18841

Interesting blog from Paul, albeit from 3 years ago. I do think there are more than a few women in all races that do not like sex but will have it to get pregnant then shut off the supply. This leaves the man few choices, get it outside the marriage for the next 40 plus years or mastubate for the next 40 plus years. Hmmmm tough choice, right? If the man loves her he will stay with her and raise the child as a family, if he does not love her he will eventually leave her.

I get really miffed/pissed off when I hear or read other men saying the husband or the man is always to blame when it is usually the other way around. Most men talk this way to look good amongst their peers. 

In my own experience/lifetime I have been with females of other races and I have to say that Chinese women are as sexual or more sexual than women of other races. This is not an insult, stereotype nor a downcast view on my part it is what I have experienced. I have high respect for Chinese women on a whole, far higher than I have for the monsterous western feminazi's of the West. On a serious note I have kissed 5 Chinese women in the last 7 years and nary a one knew how to kiss. I think this is sweet and very cute. They sure know how to bite and pinch though. smile injected here.

In this situation Paul, it seems this woman was ready to marry the first dude who would do so no matter the consequences. Things happen for a reason and quite possibly "Amy" saved you from a situation that was not right for you. The fact that she was already married and was willing to see you in person, spend time with you, walk hand in hand whilst being a married woman does not say much for her. Just my opinion. If I was married to a Chinese woman or any woman and found out she spent time with another man I would be furious. I do not know how other men would feel I just know myself. 

Bring on Part 2 please

Posted anonymously intentionally lol

 

 

#2018-12-15 17:40:53 by paulfox1 @paulfox1


@anonymous18841

I thought about replying to you anonymously, just for fun, but it would be pointless since you'd know it's me, lol.

Sure, maybe Amy saved me from myself, and I do happen to firmly believe that everything happens for a reason.

If you've read my blog regarding Amy then you'd have a good idea of what she was like. To be honest, she was fun to be with, she was great company, I probably had the best sex I've ever had in my life, but her biggest 'downfall' was the deletion of all the female contacts in my phone - which included my own daughter.

A lady contacted me recently, on CLM, and we exchanged Wechat names so that we could talk directly with each other. During one conversation she told me to 'delete all female contacts from my phone'. I've been working as a teacher since the beginning of 2015. HALF my wechat contacts are female students. What do these women expect me to do - delete all my 17-year old female contacts in case I decide to sleep with one of them?

Are they serious? FFS!

To me, this all boils down to trust. I was married for 28 years and the reason my marriage fell apart was because my wife decided not to trust me when I went to China on business.

I would have friends and business people come with me, and many of them would 'partake' of the 'offerings', but hey, we all have a choice, right?

I would actually be asked, and paid, to bring people to China. Once here, I would be asked to show them where they could have a little discreet 'fun'. It essentially became part of my job. Yet my (now ex) wife decided that if I knew wher to find 'it' then I must be doing 'it'. Nothing could have been further from the truth at that time.

Chinese women can be SERIOUSLY 'sexy', but hey, so can western women. In fact ANY woman has the ability to be seriously 'hungry' for sex, in the same way as they have the ability to be 'bland'.

In truth, we shouldn't 'judge' any of them according to their race, creed, or upbringing.

Thanks for the comment - you made a lot of sense.

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