I went out last evening and caught up with a long-time Chinese friend. We somehow got into that inevitable discussion that occurs when the weather gets a little colder and the frost appears on the ground...

“You’re not married yet?", she asked me.
“No, not yet”, I replied.
“Hmm, 11 years in China and still no marry...I want to suggest something for you to try!”, she started, “In my hometown have many nice women...”
“Oh, great”, my eyes rolled and she glared at me, “why don't I visit your hometown in Spring Festival and meet some good women from there!”
“Wow, how did you know, big brother?”, she asked, eyes wide-open!
But she continued, “well, I only thinking of your life, and you need someone cook and clean for you, look after you.......and I know a few good women from my hometown, very difficult life, I know they want with you married!...or maybe even your brothers from overseas - we could make it a business! Get some money bringing people married”

I waited, not breathing...she continued, “Is easy, I find good ladies, you find good men!”

I can't tell you how the whole idea gave me a deep ugly feeling in my gut... A marriage broker is not a career choice I have ever really considered! Is it fair to profit from others’ misery?

“So, what you mean is, if I come to your hometown and meet a nice lady, I pay you, right?”

“Well, something like that!”, she smiled, “but I give you Big Brother discount!"

“Maybe Little Brother discount is better!”, I said, muttering under my breath - for this I got a slap!

We talked some more about this whole idea - but it became increasingly (and depressingly) obvious that my friend saw any union as a ’business proposition’ on any number of levels - between people rather than some spiritual connection. Business both in terms of her original proposal, and also business in terms of how the couple would view the liaison!

So, the difficulty was (and always seems to be) that my friend was very good at pointing out attributes that she saw in me as being 'saleable’, but was not actually very good at recommending her friend to me - it is always 'she is a good woman/she has a hard life/she deserves better - struggling with child, looking after elderly mother, low-paid job’.

While I don't doubt this is the case, and indeed, the lady in question may well be beautiful and talented, the focus is invariable what the transaction means to her! And frankly, this is not what I, as a “consumer”, needs to hear. I don't want a spec-sheet or to walk around kicking the tyres!

What I mean is, if I am purchasing a new mobile phone, I don't want to know how much I am adding to the bottom-line of Samsung, Apple or Nokia! I want to know how the handset will improve my life, bring me joy and new perspectives on my life!

I want to see the benefits (from my perspective), not just have a list of features!

So, instead of learning how my ’wedding’ will help her family and mean she will not need to work so hard, I need something like ’she will love you forever!’ - because she loves me and she appreciates me, not that being with me somehow makes her life easier (even if it does!)

I need to know how having an ’instant family’ will enrich my life, not how I am buying her child a better education.

I need to know how she will stand beside me because she believes in me and wants to be there in sickness and in health - not because I give her social legitimacy in her community!

I want to know she would want to travel with me, not because she wants ’overseas riches’ but the experience of travelling and moving through life together.

I don't want to be told I am more romantic than her former partner because I wouldn't hit her and put her in hospital!

Unfortunately, this is often how the whole ’relationship’ process is presented in China - an exchange of commodities rather than affairs of the heart! And I think that this is a fundamental difference in attitude to marriage between cultures. Some have a view of an balance and freedom of choice while others seem to focus on ’goods and chattels’.

To be fair, these may well be legitimate and reasonable assumptions for getting married - but I don't need them smashed into my face!

I mean, I don't have a checklist of desirable physical attributes that once met, the person is ’fit for purpose' - It doesn't have a 200 megapixel camera, but you don't really need one - save some cash and go with the mid-cost model! And today only, you’ll get a 5% discount!

I also have the fear of walking into a 'branded store' where all the people in the place assume you are going to walk out with one of their products - but that’s a whole other story.

Maybe it is a naive dream, and that Chinese have the ’system’ down to a fine art, and that I am kidding myself that that I can continue my present path living in China and not see things through Chinese eyes!

You could legitimately argue that it was only a few generations ago that ’western cultures’ married for status and family honour as primary drivers. And our primary marriage partners came from friends from work or college, or from introductions via family or friends. So it is not really any ’established tradition’ that is being modified...maybe I should just blame my parents for offering me ’freedom of choice’!.

Got to blame someone else - the problem, sure as hell, isn’t me!.............is it?