Chinese Women, Asian Women, Online Dating & Things Chinese and Asian
Self-proclaimed “American by Birth, Southern by the Grace of God”, a retired USA State Police Lieutenant with broad experience in SE Asia and China, David will focus on Online Obsessions and Real Relationships: Navigating Chinese/Western Cross Cultural Relationships. He'll share his and others experiences in internet dating, social networking and real life dating in China. Typically American, he will bring you the upside and downside of East/West relationships openly and directly. He hopes both genders can gain some useful knowledge from his blog as well as a few laughs.
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Silence is Golden-Part 4: Chinese Dating Detective    

By David Lee
2934 Views | 0 Comments | 8/10/2010 2:17:35 AM

Silence is truly golden to be successful in real dating or online dating, as well as business negotiations. The techniques of learning when to be quiet and the art of Active Listening are usually acquired skills that need to be learned and reinforced through practice to be a successful online dating detective. In Chinese Dating Detective- Part 1-3, I discussed question types and how to begin to use these effectively to avoid using a haphazard approach which is a less than effective strategy.

Here are some common mistakes made in the questioning process:

• Not listening carefully (This will be discussed in depth in Part 5).

• Asking too many Closed-ended or Leading Questions.

• Answering your own questions.

• Asking vague or ambiguous questions.

• Failing to fully explore or probe people’s answers.

• Jumping to conclusions based on insufficient or circumstantial information.

These methods are not only used successfully by police, but also by human resource managers, teachers, professional negotiators, lawyers, investigative reporters/journalists and sales people. What I had learned in police work as an investigator and hostage negotiator was reinforced post-retirement in teaching and sales.

For example, sales top performers or superstars practice the 70/30 rule. They talk and ask questions 30 percent of the time and then listen intently to their customers 70 percent of the time.

As I’ve said before, don’t be a “Verbal machine gun”, asking question after question and not giving the other person sufficient chance to respond AND you getting essential information. Not only is this rude or impolite, it is counter-productive to your interests while gathering information. Make sure that you give the person you're questioning enough time to respond They may need thinking time before they answer intelligently, so don't just interpret a pause as a "No comment" and continue on with further questions. Skilful questioning needs to be matched with careful listening so that you understand what people really mean with their answers.

What happens when the person hesitates or responds in a way which is inconsistent with a previous response? The preferred and most effective method in response to hesitation or non- answers is also silence.

Silence provides the person an opportunity to gather their thoughts before responding, thereby again enabling them to respond in a more logical, well thought out, coherent manner. Additionally, by pausing after they respond, they will often go on and elaborate further with more solid information. This method also allows them to build confidence in their ability to respond to further questions. Obviously this is a win/win situation for you and them.

If the person does not respond to a question, silence is again in order and you calmly wait on them to respond. This can feel uncomfortable and time seems to pass slowly. Your ingrained habits tell you to "hurry up" and ask another question, but don’t. They probably know you are going to be patient and wait them out for an answer. Silence allows you to exert control in the discussion, but not in a negative or hostile manner. Your self-discipline is essential to remaining silent.

If you have the luxury of face-to-face questioning, a non-verbal probe can also be used by raising your eyebrows and tilting your head. This shows you are interested in a particular point and they may give you more detail without you having to say anything. Silence is indeed golden.

Silence is one of many constructive techniques available to facilitate dialogue. Your questions should be intended to be friendly, as well as an honest learning exchange and not an interrogation making them uncomfortable.

I’ll discuss another important element in online dating next in Chinese Dating Detective: Active Listening-Part 5.

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