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Born in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, Daniel has lived in Toronto, Canada for 28 years. He’s a loving father, practicing dentist, divorcee and a well traveled “citizen of the world”. Having had extensive experience with online dating, travel and life in the Philippines, Daniel will tell it like it is and will no doubt open some eyes. He is currently engaged to a Chinese lady that he met on CLM and will very soon get married. However, he's seen a dark side too. Get ready for the good, the bad and the ugly.
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Sex, Myths and Reality. Part 1    

By Daniel Chermont
7180 Views | 9 Comments | 2/24/2013 1:33:40 PM

Ana Carolina Soares Nakamura - (Carol Nakamura), Brazilian dancer (classical ballerina, Jazz etc) and actress, born in Rio de Janeiro, is 29 years old, she will be 30 in 3 months from now (May 2013) and is the mother of one child. She works in a popular TV variety show and acts in several movies, from drama to comedies. She is a typical middle class girl which loves beaches. Carol is indeed the living proof that the union of Latino and Asian people works very well. I strongly believe that the marriage of people belonging to two different racial groups, e.g. Caucasians and a black African person, Asians, Natives, you name it, produces some of the nicest, prettiest, most intelligent and smarter children as the end product. They inherit the best genes of their parents. She is considered the quintessential sexy woman for SouthEastern Brazilians.

I bet that caught your attention. Few things attract more the attention of human beings than sex. I will do my very best and try to navigate in these waters, which involve so much, so many anatomical, physiological, cultural, emotional, religious and psychological aspects.

I firmly believe that sex and love are two thoroughly distinct entities. It is possible to love without having sex and having sex without love. Be that as it may, if we have both together the three letter word and the four letter word will add up to 7, which is the number of perfection for Jews and Christians. The ideal would be to have sex with the person you love, so it would transcend a simple physiological urge, not too different of peeing or having a bowel movement. If you have sex with the person you really love, than it is no longer labeled “sex”, it should be called “to make love” and you should reach the Seventh Heavens.... “To make love” could be just a figure of speech, but I sense that it has a far deeper meaning.

One of my nieces holds a PhD in Psychology from a prestigious British University, her field is Sexology and a first cousin is also a PhD in Psychology and studied 5 years in France under Jacques Lacan, the great French Psychologist. I learned a lot with both, my niece and my cousin.

Lacan's conception of desire is central to his theories and follows Freud's concept of “Wunsch” (desire). The aim of psychoanalysis is to lead the analysis and to uncover the truth about his or her desire, but this is possible only if that desire is articulated.

Lacan wrote that "it is only once it is formulated, named in the presence of the other, that desire appears in the full sense of the term”. This naming of desire "is not a question of recognizing something which would be entirely given. In naming it, the subject creates, brings forth, a new presence in the world”. Psychoanalysis teaches the patient "to bring desire into existence."

The truth about desire is somehow present in discourse, although discourse is never able to articulate the entire truth about desire—whenever discourse attempts to articulate desire, there is always a leftover or surplus.

In "The Signification of the Phallus," Lacan distinguishes desire from need and demand. Need is a biological instinct that is articulated in demand, yet demand has a double function: on the one hand, it articulates need, and on the other, acts as a demand for love. Even after the need articulated in demand is satisfied, the demand for love remains unsatisfied. This remainder is desire.

For Lacan, "desire is neither the appetite for satisfaction nor the demand for love, but the difference that results from the subtraction of the first from the second." Lacan adds that "desire begins to take shape in the margin in which demand becomes separated from need." Hence desire can never be satisfied, or as Slavoj Žižek puts it, "desire's raison d'être is not to realize its goal, to find full satisfaction, but to reproduce itself as desire”.

It is also important to distinguish between desire and the drives. The drives are the partial manifestations of a single force called desire. Lacan's concept of the "objet petit" is the object of desire, although this object is not that towards which desire tends, but rather the cause of desire. Desire is not a relation to an object but a relation to a lack (manque).

In my humble opinion, sex without love is meaningless it is a two people masturbation. It may reward you with physical pleasure but lacks the most important, which is a total involvement, even at the spiritual level, with your partner. Sex per se, our fellow animals, the dogs, the pigs and the rabbits do far better and more often than us. Pigs seem to be the ones that enjoy the most (Gosh, they make a lot of obnoxious and rude noises too).

I hope to stir enough controversy with this article to entice the reader to read the next articles of this series. I also hope to learn in the process from other people’s comments, criticism and ideas. I feel I am opening the “Pandora Box” here.

Recently I read an article, which questioned whether one should or not take a shower before having sex with his/her partner. I realized that this, more than anything else, has to do with cultural aspects and with the climate of your country or the place you are engaging into intercourse. I noticed that in tropical countries and tropical islands it is a must, a paramount necessity to shower before jumping into bed. It is unromantic to offer a sweaty and smelly body to your partner and it might turn him/her off or be outright unacceptable.

I was born in Rio de Janeiro, a very hot place in every aspect. People in Rio, on average, take three showers a day. For people in my region of Brazil, it is a No No, even insulting, to come to bed without showering. A Brazilian wife would tell her husband “take a shower or go sleep with the dogs” and the husband would not be pleased with his wife if she did not take a shower before going to bed, he would invite her to have a shower together and this would be an opportunity to start foreplay right there and sometimes even make love under the shower.

I really do not mean to suggest that we are cleaner or more hygienic than anybody else. As I said, I feel that this has to do with climate and cultural aspects. On the other hand, Brazilians feel that if their partner runs to the shower as soon as they reach the climax, it looks like they are feeling noxious or as if the other person has leprosy, is dirty or something like that, it is an insulting move. Unless it is very hot, they both are awash in sweat and don’t have an AC, there is no excuse to rush under the shower. Sweat is not romantic, but the smell of the skin of the person you love sticking to your body should be.

We also feel that people which as soon as they finish getting their satisfaction turn to the side and go to sleep leaving the other one staring at the ceiling send a very negative message. To make love should be divided in “before”, “during” and “after”.... I am addressing to an adult audience here, you all understand what I mean.

I just hope to get you to read the next article of “Sex, myths and reality”. Happy New Year, the year of the snake, to all members of our community
and their families.

NOTE from CLM/ALM: Sex, Myths and Reality Part 2 will be published within 24 hours. Look for it.

Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
Comments
(Showing 1 to 9 of 9) 1
#2013-02-25 00:32:14 by dongmei883 @dongmei883

中国是一个古老的封建的国度,性,被禁锢了几千年,如今,不是谈性色变的年代。性,不再是低级下流的代名词。
正常的人生离不开性,怎样理解性与爱呢?究竟是性产生爱,还是爱使性得以升华?
我认为,如果说性使人的感官得以享受的话,那么爱更多的是人的精神上的一种需要。性与爱的结合是两性相爱最美的组合,它把赤裸的肉体与含蓄的精神巧妙地嫁接在了一起,展示了人世间最深情不渝的精品。
在生活中,有多少人和所爱的人能达到最佳效果呢?如果两个相爱的人能走在一起,并能在夫妻生活中共同达到和谐状态,应该是令人羡慕的一对佳偶。
“性"与"爱"的最高境界是什么?我认为是“灵”与“肉”的结合,是那种把“心”交出来,身体与灵魂完全融合在一起的性爱。才是人世间最完美的情感。
人的一生不是谁都能遇到真爱,能与最爱的人实现肉体到灵魂的超越,彻底融合在一起,此生无憾!不知有多少人能领略到这种爱?
真爱不需要过多的言语和表示,只需要一个含蓄的眼神或一个轻轻的拥抱,一个小小的的触碰也会引起全身心的震撼,真爱更多的是心灵的感应与灵魂的碰撞,是用心在说话在动作,从里到外融合在一起的过程。
性与爱不是矛盾的,是身体与灵魂的统一,达到了这种境界,在称得上挚爱。
China is an old feudal country, sex, imprisoned for thousands of years, and now, not talk about sex color change s. Sex, is no longer the pronoun of low-level dirty.

Normal life without sex, how to understand sex and love? What is sex produces love, or love sex to sublimation?

I think, if sexual make the person senses to enjoy words, then love more is man's spiritual a need. Sex and love is the most beautiful combination of sexual love the combination, the naked body and subtle spiritual skillfully grafted together, to show the world the most affectionate unswerving high-quality goods.

In life, there are many people and a loved one can reach the best effect? If two people who love each other can walk together, and in the husband and wife together in life to achieve a harmonious state, should be a pair of envy love.

"Sex" and "love" is the highest realm of??????? I think that is the "spirit" and "meat" union, is that the "heart" delivered up, body and soul together complete sex. Is the most perfect emotion.

Person's life is not who can meet the true love, and love the most realize the flesh to the soul transcendence, thoroughly fuses in together, no life! Don't know how many people can enjoy this kind of love?

True love does not need too many words and said, only need a reservation of look in the eyes or a gentle hug, a little touch can also cause all my shock, love more is the mind induction and soul in the collision, the heart is talking in action, from inside to outside together process.

#2013-02-25 03:49:20 by jjzs @jjzs

Very good writing I think.

#2013-02-25 05:08:09 by ferlo @ferlo

Daniel Chermont's@
No doubt she is a nice looking girl. I know a girl from another dating site she is a mix of Chinese/Mexican father Chinese mother Mexican. She is a very beautiful and elegant lady with a perfect figure still for age of 46 after having 3 beautiful children.

Nice article but seam you have copied from text books. I say this because you’re terminological written is most scientific that tends to get bored while reading it, besides I notice that many of the bloggers have good education, most of you people attend famous Universities, I admire you and wish I had that opportunity myself. In my own language I never use bad words, that are the way I was up raised, of course you don’t ethier, I know you have much better command of the language and can use it. The Shakespeare idiom is beautiful to be stained with prosaic words.
During my 50’s, I attend: Los Angeles Western Community College. In my curriculum I had Psychiatry, and Psychology, among six subjects I was very interested in the former just to know and recognize my on emotions and feelings. Thru the time I had some people who by chance I met and talked, finding they had some emotional problems we talk over, some later call to thank me telling that after our conversation they had felt emotionally fine.
I wrote an essay for a western man profile to be posted in CLM, but I have never used it, I have in file and says some about finding a relation and what are the hopes and what are the honest intentions about her. it is as
fallows:

Western man, looking to be in correspondence with a: Chinese female, intentions, marriage. I hope thru a communication, to know mutually and find our character, know about each other tastes and cultural education, find out if are a chemistry between us and give some time to know more deeply using the chat rooms aided with a video web/cam. I was born in America and I love my country, I hope can find a nice svelte lady, she most be at least 1.60 Mtr. or Taller and not around 53 Kg. Hoping to meet her after we develop a good relationship and feel the intimae confidence that is the result of good knowledge of our feelings and what we expect of from each other thru our conversations by phone or chats.
First meeting I understand we may feel shyness or might be great do to a reciprocal good chemistry, but as well could be cold a and then we have to give ourselves the chance to a second date. Even though this would not guarantee that in the first or second meeting we would get engaged in matrimony. If the physical desire pops up at any of the meetings that together with the feelings of love is a good sign that we are made to belong to each other. See each other in person we feel the same as the way our relation had developed, and like I said above if the chemistry burst open is no doubt that the relation has worked well and we deserve to be together forever.

#2013-02-25 05:22:09 by ferlo @ferlo

Dongmai@
Qué una hermosa manera tienes que describir qué es el amor. Me gusta la forma que utilizas para cautivar a la comunión de dos personas en el enamoradas.

What a beutiful way you have to describe what love is. I like the way you use to mesmerize the communion of two people have fallen in love.

#2013-02-25 19:02:07 by pourquoipasamour @pourquoipasamour

@ferlo Gracias por tu palabras de amistad hermano. La palabras que fueran de Lacan es lógico que yo usei sus proprias palabras de sus libros, por esto usamos " " quotation marks. I would not use his words without quotation marks, to look like if they were mine, this would be dishonesty. Everything else is written from my own thoughts, straight from my heart, as I do when I write my articles. Thanks for your comments, I much appreciated. Whenever I write an article that involves scientific or philosophical material, I do an extensive research before. I am glad you liked. My cousin studied with Lacan in France for 5 years and he said he was indeed a great man. Mucho gusto hermano, salud y lo deseo todo bueno en su vida. Con amistad, Daniel.

#2013-02-25 19:39:36 by pourquoipasamour @pourquoipasamour

@ferlo I agree with you, some ladies seem to take care of themselves and they look good, healthy even at their 40s, 50s. Carol Nakamura is the daughter of a Nissei father (he father is the child of Japanese parents but already born in Brazil) and "Soares" suggests that her mother is Brazilian from Portuguese background. Carol is also a model, you can go to her own site, please look for "Carol Nakamura" so you can see her portfolio. Unfortunately, but it is the truth, in Brazil a woman is considered young only up to 25 years old. Its is a country where the vast majority of the population is formed by young people, because specially in small cities, they still have large families with 4, 5 kids. I feel that Carol, for a woman 30 (she will be thirty in May now) and that already gave birth to a child, is in very good shape. Mind you, the competition is brutal in Brazil and women that do not take care of themselves, specially in Rio, don't stand a chance in Heavens to get married, because there is a lot more girls than guys there. Not to mention that by nature, Brazilian women are very feminine and vain and the guys there don't give a second look to a girl if she is not pretty. It is not really fair. You are Latino like me, you know what I am talking about. The Brazilian girls are now marrying foreigners, because there are not enough guys to marry them all. Still regarding the article, I am an eternal student, I know that is heavy reading, but I decided to maintain the quotations of Lacan as he said literally and to use quotes signs to show that these were his words. His books were written for students of Psychology, not for ordinary people like me, but to change his original words, I would not be fair to the author. He is considered one of the greatest geniuses of the past century in his field and gave a new spin to the work of Freud.

#2013-02-25 22:40:35 by pourquoipasamour @pourquoipasamour

@ferlo I forgot to tell you something, if you ask me how a Brazilian person looks like, it is impossible to explain, because our people is a mixture of every racial group you can imagine. In the South of Brazil there is a large concentration of Germans, Polish, Ukrainians, Italians, these are easily identifiable because they are very tall, blonde and blue eyed. But it is very cold there, most Brazilians don't like cold,they prefer to live in places with warm and nice beaches. In Sao Paulo, we have millions of Japanese and Italians (the largest concentration of Italians outside Italy), but in all the other states of the country is pretty much mixed and marriage of people from different racial groups are fairly common. I live in Canada for 30 years now, so I don't know how it is now, but we had few Chinese living Brazil when I was young. Nowadays, China is our best partner and best friend and there is a lot of business going on between China and Brazil. The Chinese opened many factories in Brazil and Brazilian companies (including EMBRAER, that makes commercial, executive and military planes) also opened factories in China. I believe that now you will probably see more Chinese persons in Brazil. I remember a girl, the father was Chinese and her mother was Brazilian with Italian background, I knew her very well because she went to University with me, she was my colleague and she also did her Master's at the same time I did mine. She was simply beautiful. She ended up marrying an American Engineer, the gentleman had Italian background and moved to the US with her husband. It is funny how the human beings are never satisfied with what they have. In the Southeastern Brazil, where I was born, we have all kinds of pretty girls, but people love Asians, they find them exotic and love their Asian eyes and cheeks. I guess the Lord has a master plan to make all peoples of our planet to marry and the world will be pretty much mixed in a century or so. This is very good. Perhaps we will all be family and no more wars, animosities, racism, xenophobia, this kind of garbage. Seeing with my own eyes children from parents of different racial groups, strong, beautiful, healthy, intelligent, is where I learned that to mix is an excellent idea.

#2013-02-27 06:17:11 by DannRonn @DannRonn

This is from the English version of wikipedia:
"Alan D. Sokal and Jean Bricmont in their book Fashionable Nonsense have criticised Lacan's use of terms from mathematical fields such as topology, accusing him of "superficial erudition" and of abusing scientific concepts that he does not understand.[85] Other critics have dismissed Lacan's work wholesale. François Roustang called it an "incoherent system of pseudo-scientific gibberish," and quoted linguist Noam Chomsky's opinion that Lacan was an "amusing and perfectly self-conscious charlatan".[86]"
France is the only western country that still uses that psycho-analytical nonsense, and when they apply it to children, it is no less than child abuse!

Now it is true that sex and love are not the same thing, and that men and women, and different cultures, have very different views about these subjects. Furthermore, because of cultural taboos, frank discussion of it is extremely difficult.

But please don't cite Lacan. There is even less evidence that his methods work than there is for Cellfood, or powdered rhinoceros horn.

#2013-02-28 00:34:12 by pourquoipasamour @pourquoipasamour

@DannRonn Thank you for your criticism which I find highly valuable and as a liberal and eternal student, I feel that everybody is entitled to his or her opinion. Let me ask you a simple question, do you know anyone in your life that was able to please everyone? Be loved by Greeks and Trojans? I don't. My knowledge of Psychology is extremely limited, but as a Health professional, we learn some basic principles that we apply in our daily work, since we have to deal with a Universe of things that affect our patients, to include fears of dying (tanaphobia), anxiety, vanity, fear of feeling pain, lack of self esteem or the opposite, unrealistic expectations, denial and so on. So we are taught how to deal with these, which will be part of our daily routine. Let me put to you this way, I never heard of anyone, from a simple Joe like me, to a celebrity, tycoon, genius, artist, professional of any field, which was able to please everybody, as I said. I am a Christian, for us he was the Lamb of God, to others he was a charlatan, to others a simple guy, some call him a prophet and in spite what we read, they say he only did good, he was executed by one of the most cruel ways to execute a person ever devised by men. I am not comparing this French Psychologist to Jesus, please allow me to develop my thinking. I don't have the tools, the knowledge or the training in the field of this gentleman to be able to give a professional opinion. However, I met a dozen or more Psychologists in both, Canada and Brazil, that highly regard him and his theories. Let us not forget, that his work was based on the work of Freud, which I believe most people admire. If he was a fake as the authors you mention classify him, I don't think even the French would pay attention to his work, they would probably be among the first to drop him not to be embarrassed by someone which they would not consider worthy. I am not playing the Devil's Advocate here. You are probably a psychologist yourself and in a much better position than I am to give an Educated opinion. If he was a dentist like me, I could perhaps say "I agree" or "I don't agree" with my colleague. Please keep in mind, that sometimes people are moved by resentment, envy, jealousy, human beings are very complicated sometimes. Going back to Jesus, He once said "Do not judge other or you will be judged by the same token". In my profession, if I don't agree with a colleague, I just don't follow his technique, is that simple. I find amazing how the other psychologists came hard on the man. Thank you so much for your comments, I really appreciated. Thank you for reading the article.

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