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Pressuring Chinese Women Members For Cybersex Is Not Acceptable    

By John Abbot
13119 Views | 44 Comments | 9/2/2012 2:09:09 PM

An issue has been raising its ugly head here on CLM more and more (it’s not noticeably prevalent on ALM yet) and it is reaching the point where we are feeling we need to address it in a real and effective manner. Coincidentally we received a serious report letter on it earlier today, and while I am writing this blog a Chinese member has posted a forum on the same subject, so I feel confident I’m not overstating the seriousness of the situation.

To paraphrase the Chinese woman’s complaint a male member, who apparently purports to be doctor, started an online chat with her and as he was a doctor she anticipated he would be well educated and well mannered. He asked her to add him to her QQ contacts and when she asked why a Westerner would like QQ he advised it aided him with “business in China”. However, early in their first chat he began to pressure her to get naked and have a “nude chat”. She refused, but then on the second, and then the third QQ chat he persisted in his pressure. When she continued to object his response was that “he wasn’t doing anything all the other Western men don’t do”. Ultimately she reported him with the added comments that she felt she had a duty to tell the website, and through us her fellow women members, to avoid this male member and not waste time on him.

First, let me say that we do not yet have all the facts, and we can’t say whether this particular report is founded only on objective fact and not on some desire for malicious revenge in response to some perceived slight. We do frequently receive unfounded reports of bad behavior that do end up being malicious and untrue. However, this particular report rings true to us, and even if it is not true, the problem it raises is real, as other reports on the same matter are frequently received. For example, the forum thread recently posted anonymously here... suggests that there are frequent occasions when male members supposedly here for the purpose of finding a lifemate are very quick to push for cybersex, and when confronted on what they are doing here will boldly state they aren’t really here for a long term relationship, but for sex and fun.

Interestingly, within about 30 minutes of approving that thread there was already a comment on it by another Chinese lady member in which she indicated she was deeply disappointed by a conversation with one male member in which he pushed her for cybersex and when she asked wasn’t her here for love and a relationship he responded no, he was here for fun (presumably fun of the sexual kind).

The forum thread and immediate comment are not malicious in nature, for they don’t even name the accused party. They are posted to express disappointment and even shock at belonging to a dating site that is clearly intended for people seeking love and a life mate, but being accosted by men who want nothing but to see them naked. Frankly, we don’t blame them for being disappointed, and we feel compelled to do something about it. is, and always has been, about building long term relationships and finding life partners and/or spouses. Our Chinese women members have a right to expect not to be submitted to this type of pressure on a site like ours.

There’s a fine line between when it is appropriate to first ask a woman you’re developing an online relationship with to participate in cybersex, but it sure as hell is not appropriate to do so repeatedly during your first few chats with her. If that is all you’re interested in then you’re on the wrong website. Go join one of the many adult sites that cater especially to those interests.

Meanwhile, we’ve decided not to tolerate this type of behavior any longer. We’re not yet sure how we’re going to control it and we welcome some feedback from all members, so please feel free to comment below. After reviewing your comments and suggestions we will be formulating a plan to ensure that our Chinese women are protected from being subjected to this objectionable conduct.

Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
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#2012-09-02 19:08:59 by anonymous4214 @anonymous4214

I have had some conversations with women who were "convinced" by western men that sex chat was normal behavior. In order to please the man or gain his favor, the woman will go along with it. Meanwhile, these predatory men are having a great time at the woman's expense and humiliation.

This is a very real and disturbing issue.

John, thank you for taking your positive stance on this subject. I agree with your comment "Go join one of the many adult sites that cater especially to those interests."

Ladies, this is NOT normal behavior for a good man. Think about this: would a good man who wants you for a loving wife force you to do something uncomfortable and potentially embarrassing? No, he would not.

If he truly loves you and cares for you, does seeing you naked on a video chat even matter? I would say it does not. Wait until you meet in person or are fully comfortable with the man...and you can trust him.

Retain your pride ladies. These types of bad men are not worth your time. They are low class.

#2012-09-02 20:56:06 by ThaiDee @ThaiDee

The only way you will control it a little bit better is to require verifyable credentials where you can cause them embarassement if they cannot control their behavior. But you will not eliminate it completely for many reasons, i.e.,it's easy for people online to say things and get away with it, they don't understand or care to understand the Chinese culture, etc. I think it should be clearly mentioned on each persons profile that this type behavior will not be tolorated and if it happens the female can easily click on the button to display this person as a violator and displayed on the website. This way all girls know up front that these people are actively engaging in rude behavior.

#2012-09-02 21:58:23 by xin73 @xin73

I think this is not a big problem. I also have ever encounter male members invited me passion video, I answered they looking in the wrong place. eventually they apologize to me end to chat. if each other's first time chat he requires the naked chat, you immediately delete him ,can not let him have second and third chance to invite you nude chat, you don't produce so many vexed and complaints. These unnecessary troubles and complain completely by the control of their own, we can complain about who?

In here I just want to say, If women members encounter passion video invitation, not reply he or directly put him in the blacklist,CLM have thousands of male member, I trust that you will meet the right one of your.
I want to all male member said: "please you self-respect! Please see the name of the web site and true meaning,If you come to CLM only for sex video and fun,maybe you presbyopia looking in the wrong place."
I hope male members ,in immaculately dressed gentleman like you,appearance and heart is consistent.

At the same time hope into the CLM members of the men and women be sincere to each other exchanges, less points to complain, more points happy. to create a harmony atmosphere dating site.

#2012-09-02 22:03:57 by padraigh59 @padraigh59


To state that this practice is upsetting is an understatement. Despite cultural differences, there remains the need for respect and dignity. I am a member of this site becasue I am seeking a soul mate. At this point I am merely reviewing those women who may be interested in me. I also have a lot to learn about the expectations of a Chinese woman.

I would not think that any woman on this site is here for cheap thrills and cyber sex. Therefore, I think upon the registering of any complaint that the person's profile be suspended pending full discovery and if true then removed from the site in its entirenty

#2012-09-02 23:04:03 by anonymous4221 @anonymous4221

I can not think of any good reason for any man to pressure a woman (Chinese or Other) or even attempt to ask a woman for cybersex. To do so is disrespectful and degrading. There is NO "fine line between when it is appropriate", it should simply not be tolerated. Women are not objects, they are devine creatures to be treated with the utmost dignity and respect.

#2012-09-02 23:04:56 by aussieghump @aussieghump

Presumably you can get the IP addresses and 'logon' of people in chats and videos. So you could 'monitor' reportable behaviour and check with other users that the person might be contacting...and ask them if there was any questionable activity that they did not welcome!

The other option is to have a more descriptive 'blocking system' and if an individual is 'blocked' by a number of users, then it might be worthwhile investigating why! Having options like 'inappropriate behaviour' or 'he broke my heart' might help sort some of the issues.

I am not sure how well the non-English reading users of the site can access the blocking and complaints section - maybe this needs review to see if it is clearer for them to report abuse.

Maybe a 'screen grab' button on the video that send an auto complaint to the server when butts are wild and the lady (or man) objects!

Again, you should recommend that people really only converse through 'the site' and not go off-site to QQ or Skype too early! This way it is harder for a stalker to harass someone and they are more anonymous to the stalker.

#2012-09-03 00:03:19 by Luc13 @Luc13

I sympathise with the ladies on this site who have been subjected to this type of behaviour. I was a member of another dating site on which the ladies themselves would send chat requests which were very sexual in nature. I got tired of it quickly and migrated here, where I am quite content and have met nice, lovely ladies who have become my friends.

My guess is, the men doing this on CLM probably were members of other sites where there is a pay-for-chat feature. Seeing they could get sex talk there, they think any Asian dating site will provide them with the same fodder so they come here, where the fee is a fairly low monthly one for unlimited chat.

These men's persistence with those demands really pisses me off. That type of behaviour, if encountered often enough on the site, really gives Western men a bad image. Chinese women may start thinking Western men are all bad, when there is a profusion of decent men among us.

Stopping this type of behaviour is very difficult. The only was may be to urge the ladies to report all such behaviour, with the name of the perpetrator. You can then use his IP address to ban him and delete his account. But even that could be just a temporary fix, as the fellow could change his IP address and register a new account with a new name.

The bottom line though is that men should not try to force the ladies to provide chat of a sexual nature. If the lady does not want to do that, then the man should simply stop. Unfortunately, the anonymity of the internet allows the ugly side of people to rear its ugly head. Many people act online in a manner they would not dare were they present in person!

So ladies, stand firm in your refusal to cater to these men's demands and report them to the site's webmaster (or whomever receives that type of complaint). If all the ladies do this, the perverts will hopefully move on to another site.

#2012-09-03 01:24:40 by Danny007 @Danny007

Name and shame the loosers.... with a picture of the trolls...

#2012-09-03 01:35:24 by Looking4morenu @Looking4morenu

I'd recommend anyone caught doing this to be permanently banned and possibly pursued with charges of extortion. Now granted for the latter needs to be proven that the persons did commit the foul behavior above.

These accounts need to be identified and removed immediately and users prevented from recreating new ones where possible, perhaps even banned by IP address.

#2012-09-03 02:23:22 by Robert52 @Robert52

A word of caution to users, to keep it on CLM until you know who you are talking to? Wouldn't the chat logs provide proof of the claimed abuse? Trying to provide proof of anything on QQ would not be easy. And QQ itself is not the best example.

As to what to do, I do not know. Create a new wing for the jail?

I am with you, whatever you decide to do.


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