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Gareth is an Australian who has lived in JiangSu, SuZhou (Heaven on Earth) for a few years - he is a keen observer of the Chinese people, Chinese culture and the changes that are occurring in China at break-neck speed. He can often be found on his a nightly 'perch' in front of his bar in the famous Bar Street in Suzhou, talking to the locals in his bad Mandarin, teaching the 'flower-selling girls' English, eating street food and smiling at the local chengguan (neighbourhood police). Gareth also has several other businesses in China around Business and English training. His experiences have been varied and interesting and his years in China have taught him to be wary of promises but excited about prospects, not a bad situation to be in!
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Perils of China: Red Flags When Dating Chinese Women    

By Garreth Humphris
10546 Views | 50 Comments | 6/9/2014 5:22:20 AM
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(Showing 41 to 50 of 50) Previous 1 2 3 4 5
#2015-07-19 22:10:16 by QinQL @QinQL

@melcyan

WOW,dear Melcyan, how sweet words you left here! I even enjoy and proud of my Chinglish now. THANK YOU, Melcyan !

#2015-07-20 07:43:32 by queensknight @queensknight

that is some good advice regarding "Red Flags" a same culture relationship will have its ups and downs, but when you are in a cross culture relationship it is just the same with a few kinks not spelled out in a coffee shop first meeting. It is like two rival corporations facing off to see who will sin the bidding war for dominance in the marriage. I have already considered some of if not all of the points to look out for. My advice to add to yours is that you better be a good negotiator and be ready to compromise of what you are willing to give up, what you will not let go of. What is the price of love, your sanity, your privacy, possessions or whatever. If you are not willing to part with it don't offer it as a token of esteem. For medical reasons I may not be able to relocate, but as I said what price will you pay for the life time of bliss with the woman of your dreams? Thanks for the tips, I am sure they will come in handy, I will print out this topic and keep it by my side in every letter, chat or phone call I make.

#2015-07-20 13:24:44 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

@anniehow - I agree wholeheartedly with @melcyan that the quality of a translation is in getting the spirit and the meaning of the original work right. That is how we encourage our translators to approach the task, to translate thought by thought, not word by word.

I have it on good authority that you have done a fine job here. Not to worry(clap)

#2015-07-20 20:32:08 by anonymous13637 @anonymous13637

I found this article extremely helpful, I have already met a few ladies, and they are literally controlled our chats with "What I must do for them," but that I am a caterer of their dreams, and even one has in a list of demands what I must do starting with how I will cater to their life style. I will allow the contact to see how much further it will continue before I will call it quits, I have already considered I may allow my membership to expire and I am beginning to feel pretty hopeless at this point. I am glad I read this article before things got too serious and too expensive. They know your weaknesses.

#2015-07-21 14:25:36 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

@anonymous13637 - It would be a mistake to read too much into this blog if you think Gareth was trying to warn you off dating Chinese women. You may not be aware, but Gareth has since writing this passed away, much to the regret of every member of CLM and ALM. But also unknown to many, prior to writing this blog post, Gareth had already met and married a wonderful Chinese lady and had become step-father to her teenaged daughter.

No one loved China or the Chinese people more than Gareth, especially her beautiful, vibrant but always mysterious and perplexing Chinese women. This blog is a lesson in what to look out for, what to perhaps avoid and what to do to overcome the problems you can encounter in dating Chinese women, but it was in no way a warning to refrain from dating them.

You should not let some bad experiences scare you away from what is the best opportunity you will ever have to meet, love and marry an amazing woman like no one you will ever find at home. Take your time, carefully weed out the ones who are not for you, and spend some time getting to really know the ones who may well be your perfect match.

Drive carefully and patiently, enjoy the journey, and soon enough you'll arrive at a destination that will suit your needs and wishes.

#2015-07-21 14:45:10 by anonymous13639 @anonymous13639

Pardon my oversight John, I am not swearing off Chinese women, I am just being more cautious in my selection process, I've dreamed from my late teens that one day I will have a Chinese bride, but I have to pace myself not to jump in too quickly at the first pretty face I see, but to learn patience, practice tolerance, and pay attention to who and what is being said to me, and to be sure i am clearly heard and understood and that I am understanding what is being said to me.

#2015-07-22 00:40:02 by QinQL @QinQL

@Anniehow

Hehe, 安妮,我的话是不是给大家带来误会了?我觉得不会呢。因为大熊的女朋友和我们一样地欣赏他。哦,说错了,肯定不是一样,绝对比我们更欣赏。让我回忆一下吧。好像是很久以前了哈,当时也不太明白这位帅哥的资料为什么看不到(说实话,那时还纠结过,怎么好意思众目睽睽之下表达自己的好感呢!呵呵)。有一天,好不容易又看到帅哥的影子了,在眼前晃了几下,正想着给他发个信息,可又不见了踪影。唉,还是缘分不够啊。就像最开始我看过他的资料后,让他走过一样。何况她应该最了解她现在的男朋友。如果他不是对他的女人和爱情忠贞的男人,我们都不会再欣赏他。不过,人难免有闪失。女人适时提醒一下,有时也是必要的。毕竟,面对众多美女的青睐,还是需要一定的定力和帮助的,哈哈。(别看我打哈哈,我可是在费力地字斟句酌,不是为了编谎话,这事咱不干,就是免得给别人添麻烦。这解释工作不好做。其实,能和lim走到一块,我们也挺欣赏这姑娘的,读到后来他关于现在女友的2篇博文,看来也挺不容易的。好事多磨呢。我还真的挺想听听她说话的。有什么纠结,如果觉得不方便,也可以以匿名的方式说说呀,反正匿名了,谁也不知道谁的,呵呵。如果对我哪句话觉得不中听,匿名骂骂,也解恨,好过在后面生闷气哈,呵呵)


“若果一个中国女人跨越了柏拉图式友谊的界线,就说明你们有戏了。”

怎么说呢?我觉得lim的博客里很多都写得比较清楚了。而Gareth在这里拿出来说,他可能是有些娱乐性的,从他后来回复lim的comment 也可以看出来,他也不会随便和一位对他钟情的女士早早有过于亲密行为。

关于Gareth提到的中国的家人拿走他的工资卡、私人时间和空间,我们当然不认同啊。不知道Gareth是在何种情境下获得的这种感受。要具体问题具体分析才好。

安妮,你说到的友谊啊,朋友啊,相同的价值观和爱好呀,还有条件相当、合得来呀,这些应该都是在我们的婚恋当中都要考虑的因素,没有太多的国内国外之分吧?安妮,我不太明白你说的合得来,但不一定是好朋友的观点。既然合得来,就很有可能成为好朋友。既然是好朋友,肯定是某方面合得来。再细看Gareth的文章,他只是把他认为最重要的red flags 的信息写出来,告诉伤心的lim和我们大家,如何避免可能遇到的失恋痛苦。

(通过阅读你的英文,又帮助了我理解了你的中文意思。你是说中国人会因为有了孩子,家庭更完美,并因了这份血缘关系更稳固婚姻。是这个意思吧? 安妮,你如果有这种想法,就算是只有一点点,也一定要纠正过来。如果陷入不幸婚姻,怎么都拧巴,可还是拧巴着守着一天天的日子一起过,不但会毁掉自己的生命质量,还搭上孩子的不幸。这个代价太大了,我小时候的一家邻居就是这样的)

面对父母和自己的选择,有时候会有两难。但我相信,无论做出怎样的选择,父母都是希望后人能越过越好。基于这点我想是可以达成一致,并说服他们的。

因不同,而吸引。因不同,要磨合。每一段婚姻都这样,特别是涉外婚姻吧。

Hehe, dear Anniehow, have I made a misunderstanding here? No, I don’t think so. Because alpha-bear’s girlfriend appreciates his good characters as the same as we do. Oh ,no, she must have expressed stronger to her man. And we knew our members, especially chinese women here like him too. Let me think it back. It seemed long time ago, there was one thing I wonder why we could not see this guy’s profile(Honest to tell you, I felt shy and very hesitated to express my good expressions to him in front of people. Hehe. ) One day, i saw he appeared again on CLM, I still wondered. When I were going to send him a message, I could not find him! Oh, was it the fate I had? As the same as that I haven’t left any tracks after I read his profile at the very beginning of his blog articles posted. And his girlfriend knew clearly what kinds of he is. If he did not respect his woman and not loyal, we would feel disappointed. But no one is perfect. She should remind him sometimes when he needs, especially when he meets so many charming women who also interested in him, hahah.

“When a Chinese woman cross the boundary of a planotic friendship, game on!”  ------ hmm, I thought lim has already described himself clearly in his blog article. It is wonderful. Gerath might just give the idea to amuse us. We could see it from his response to lim,”For all my pontificating, I am not very good either!  I mean 14 years in China and not married? Who am I trying to kid! ”

 “Chinese people will take away your bank cards, personal time and space?”  ------ I do not agree with this point. I don’t know what cases that he met and got the feelings. It is better to analyses them in concrete situation.

Dear Annie, I have the same points with you and westerners about valuing a solid friendship and being good friends while dating, which is a solid foundation for a good relationship or marriage,etc. I definitely not agree with the points that you mentioned here that our chinese people tend to think the ways. I also suggest you strongly not to take it.

To facing a choice between our chinese family and our foreign boyfriend, it is possible to meet some difficult. If we try to stand our family’s foot first and give them our advise, let them feel your life would be better and safer with your choice, then it might become easy to help us take our decision.

Yes, there are more challenges and complexity dating a foreigner. And just because of it, more attracted us, more risky to take, more wonderful it would be.

#2015-07-23 21:08:58 by Anniehow @Anniehow

I want to extend my thanks to those who kindly support me with my translation. It is nice to be a sort of bridge between different groups of people.

晴姐,关于大熊我是半开玩笑的,;)我不是一直在跟进所以可能漏了些update. 不过你需要情报的话(关于别人的),我可以帮你留意着。不用谢哈;)

条件相当确实适用于各国。不过由于很多男人的传统偏见,中国离婚女人和大龄未婚女就比西方尴尬很多,在这方面西方男人确实更注重内在,而对年龄和孩子的偏见少些。

可能我的表述不太清楚吧,我认为好朋友和合得来还是有很大差别的。好友是你有喜乐哀愁都想跟他分享的,能彼此信任,展示弱点而还有安全感,因为知道自己被接纳。合得来就是过得去吧。我见过太多的婚姻就是合得来的状态,没有深度的亲密和接纳。这样的婚姻真的没什么吸引力。另外你放心,我并不是意思是我要接受将就的婚姻,只是在描述看到的情况。

The compatibility issues of course apply to all countries. However, Divorced women and single women after a single age do face awkward challenges due to the social stereotype and traditional mindsets. Comparatively thinking, Western guys have less prejudice against these groups.

Maybe my wording was not so clear. I believe there are marked differences between" getting along" and " being good friends". You can't wait to share your joys and sorrows with a good friend. There is mutual trust and you can be vulnerable in front of this person, knowing you are safe and accepted. "Getting along" is just "getting by"(?) I have seen a lot of marriages in that state and that is not what I want.

#2015-07-23 23:17:54 by Anniehow @Anniehow

Sorry for the mistakes. I blame it on auto correct on my IPad;)

#2015-07-24 12:21:15 by Barry1 @Barry1

@Anniehow

Please don't worry about any criticism, Annie.

Everyone here on CLM is well aware of your high intelligence and excellent translation abilities.

Were Gareth still here with us, I'm sure he'd have been the very first to say, "Well done indeed, you've captured my thoughts and meanings precisely!" (clap)

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