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Gareth is an Australian who has lived in JiangSu, SuZhou (Heaven on Earth) for a few years - he is a keen observer of the Chinese people, Chinese culture and the changes that are occurring in China at break-neck speed. He can often be found on his a nightly 'perch' in front of his bar in the famous Bar Street in Suzhou, talking to the locals in his bad Mandarin, teaching the 'flower-selling girls' English, eating street food and smiling at the local chengguan (neighbourhood police). Gareth also has several other businesses in China around Business and English training. His experiences have been varied and interesting and his years in China have taught him to be wary of promises but excited about prospects, not a bad situation to be in!
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Perils of China: Red Flags When Dating Chinese Women    

By Garreth Humphris
10545 Views | 50 Comments | 6/9/2014 5:22:20 AM
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(Showing 11 to 20 of 50) Previous 1 2 3 4 5 More...
#2014-06-15 22:15:17 by Grace172 @Grace172

@JohnAbbot
"Anybody, Western man or Chinese woman, who is a member of this site and/or seriously seeking a cross cultural long term relationship with their opposite gender, should read this article closely and several times. And then they should carefully practise what you have laid out here for them."
Too bad that my English is not good enough to understand this article. I have read it three times carefully, but it still all seem puzzling to me.
I hope it can be translated into Chinese.(handshake)

#2014-07-05 16:13:30 by Runelabs @Runelabs

Good read and advice to consider!
Partnering and marrying with someone from another culture also means taking the time to understand their background. You give good points that need to be considered or at least something to be aware when looking and starting a relationship with someone.

People and their lives are much more than just their physical body, their wardrobe and suitcases for sure.
;-)

#2014-12-12 19:50:07 by anonymous12553 @anonymous12553

After reading this--despite my attraction to Chinese ladies--I think this is not for me. Family taking over my finances? Whoa! What of both her parents are gone?

#2014-12-26 04:28:01 by Anniehow @Anniehow

This is a very insightful post about Chinese Western Cultural differences in relationships and marriage and you have covered a lot of bases.
I was wondering why Imi held back in the lotion episode too. The signal was obvious and a Chinese guy would already see the green light and secretly beaming. In a dating for serious relationship and marriage scenario, a Chinese lady would rarely be the first to cross the physical boundary.
China has a long feudal history and even after the May 4th,1919 there has been a long time when it was not uncommon for a man to have one wife and several concubines. Naturally a lot of men are still quite chauvinistic in sexual matters.
With such social expectations, Chinese women are expected to be shy and demure in the sexual department, especially in the beginning stage. A woman who takes initiative to cross the boundary is frowned upon and even considered “slutty”. It is possible though that some Chines women are mislead by the media to think Westerners take sex very casually and thus act to the other extreme. In a Friends-with –Benefit situation, the woman might be more aggressive as it is casual and you will never see each other again in the long run.
So the general rule of thumb is when you see the signals, it’s time to man up.

#2014-12-27 01:59:27 by anonymous12629 @anonymous12629

Ok I have to correct myself that after 1919 China experienced a period of coexistence and conflicts of feudal traditions and modern thinking. Quite a number of famous men have a wife at home, picked by their moms through arranged marriage and another wife they picked themselves.

There are some issues on cultural differences that I want to elaborate on:

1. Money issues. Personally I think that is the biggest difference in a cross cultural relationship and marriage. Are you a saver or spender? Do you spend time to save money or do you spend money to save time?

A lot of Chinese people are savers and they like to spend time to save money at the cost of convenience. A lot of Westerners, though, like to spend some money on convenience and comfort. From my experience, more Westerners like to travel more frequently for fun, which cost a lot in the Chinese eye and the Chinese think it is better invested somewhere else.

Interdependence among family members is common in China. I would not say your in-laws will take over your finance but mutual support is important in cases like buying an apartment, helping elderly parents, raising the kids etc. Everyday life ties are even closer when you live in the same city and I think it is better for your nuclear family if you live in a different city and visit in-laws from time to time.

2. How to raise the kids.

Common Chinese practice is to give the kids some leeway before they go to school and start to raise the bars after the kids attend the school. It is very different from the Western way of disciplining your children since they are very young. A lot of Chinese moms for young children do not have a lot of personal time because they follow the kids’ schedule with no consistent strict rules. It can mean they are bound until kids go to sleep, sometimes 10, sometimes 11.

If the grandparents take care of the children, well, good luck to you!

Other concerns include nationality for the children, which will affect other factors like what type of school and university he will go to in the future. Then you need to ask yourself “do I like the Chinese education system?” “Can we afford the expensive tuition fee for international schools in China?”

Just my 2 cents.

Annie

#2014-12-28 01:10:11 by YinTingYu @YinTingYu

@aussieghump
Hi Garreth and All.
Excellent post.
In Texas speak, "Dang man,...Like He Said" !!
Such good information from a fellow who lives in China and,... all other responses as well.
I can't even begin to think of a possible partnership unless all (and more) of Garreth's points are addressed.
Only on internet have I found such "red flags" and,... I pay close attention.
Most have been "pink" flags for me.

Briefly, I have "Known (?)" two ladies of Asian descent.
One from the Philippines the other from Mainland China and NOT during the same years.
Both educated in "The Arts" at Master's level.
These women were each Super in their own ways.
But one thing they shared in common was the familial concern.
I was taking care of my elderly father (7 years) and some how they sensed my need for extra help.
I would get a call,..."Hey Gong, I coming with some food. Be there in 30mins. You got room for me"?
"Absolutely, get your sweet self over here" !!

Sometimes we would cook together, other times it was "take out" but after all was done, we would have these in depth discussions regarding what we each wanted from life.
This is so essential.
Unfortunately, both of these very sweet intelligent ladies were involved in fatal auto collisions almost within the same months (years separated).
Curious I think but,...no sympathy needed,... just a part of life.

Now,...internet communications have been different.
I have sensed, almost immediately, the "red flags" Garreth speaks of.
With some contacts it has taken much longer to perceive than expected.
I pay attention.
It takes some "time investment" to discover but,... it is well worth it.
Each has to be able to step outside their "cultural box".
I feel it is absolutely possible for mind / heart connection to occur regardless of race or cultural upbringing.

Ah,...thanks again for posting.
Hey, John has given me blog space, "Gongji's Blog".
If you have time,.... please stop by.
Have some red beans and rice with a shot of good tequila for each !!
Is the "Southern Hospitality".
Perhaps we all share some insights ?

Peace and Blessings,
Gongji

#2014-12-28 09:47:31 by Macchap @Macchap

Make this a sticky, it is must-read.

#2014-12-28 12:48:58 by melcyan @melcyan

@Anniehow
"Too bad that my English is not good enough to understand this article. I have read it three times carefully, but it still all seem puzzling to me.
I hope it can be translated into Chinese" This comment was by Grace172. If she cannot follow this article then the vast majority of Chinese women on CLM will not be able to follow it either. Would you be willing to translate this blog? It would be interesting to get feedback on this article by members like Grace172.

Also thank you for your insightful response to this blog. Your knowledge of both cultures and languages adds greatly to CLM discussions.

#2014-12-29 09:05:12 by aussieghump @aussieghump

@anonymous12629
Good points Anniehow!

The 'child education' dilemma is an interesting one! Especially if your intended partner has children in school already (will they finish 'chinese education so they can enter a Chinese University, will they go to an 'international program' and potentially be forced to study higher education overseas for a few years, of will they move to another country and study). In a 'broken family' situation what is the effect of the ex-partner and family on this decision too!

Saving vs Spending - as you correctly point out many chinese people focus on the purchase of real estate and status items but baulk at taking a taxi or a holiday!
Owning your own house is a significant 'family creating' attitribute and a 'guarantee' for the woman if the man malingers! While a traditional Chinese woman owning her own home will forgo this for a 'marriage', it is never off the agenda! And neither is a baby...even if she risks life and health to have one!

#2014-12-30 19:43:39 by QinQL @QinQL

@Anniehow

是的呢,melcyan 给了你一个好提议 ------ 把我们这里的这位高个帅哥的文章翻译成中文。都说他的文章好,可我们没能欣赏到-----他在英文太 cryptic 了。

要翻译高手的文章的确会不容易,妹妹英语是很棒的,试试挑战难度(muscle) ! 我们给你加油 !

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