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Our Take On The World Cup and European Football    

By John Abbot
2839 Views | 2 Comments | 7/5/2010 2:21:58 AM

Damuel Inkoom, of the Ghana National Team, goes down in severe pain and wallows there for 92 seconds late in the game, helping preserve a victory. No one had touched him. I guess Ghanan Scammers are not restricted to Online dating Sites.

First, let’s wish a Happy Independence Day to all our American members and a Happy Canada Day (belatedly) to our Canadian members. As a Canadian, I am writing this blog post in celebration of “Canadianness”, but I think it applies equally to Americans, Aussies and Kiwis as well. As for the rest of you, well the “jury is still out”.

I’ve been watching the World Cup unfold with some interest, mostly because since coming to China I have made many friends from nations around the world who insist that “Football” is a sport, something that has escaped me all my life, even in my days as a youth when we were forced to play it occasionally during our “physical education” classes under the name of “soccer”. I confess that we took these occasions as some form of punishment for an unknown group wrongdoing, or else why else would we not have been allowed to play a real sport. Like hockey, American football (or the superior Canadian brand of it), basketball, baseball, rugby, anything but soccer.

So I've watched these World Cup games, trying to perceive what people saw in this “sport” and I've taken some notes, which I will now share with all of you. These are just thoughts that passed through my brain as I tried to fend off the sleepiness which was constantly trying to overcome me while I watched the endless running up and down the field by men with no apparent objective in mind all to the drone of 50,000 zithers humming in the background.

Please understand that I come from a country where Ice Hockey, a frequently brutal game, is the National Sport, and where our summer favourite is “Canadian” football, a brand of American Football as rough as that game but exceeding it in requirements of speed as well as passing and receiving skills. These are both very “tough” sports. Your comments are welcome, of course.

Thought #1:

(Please, please try to read this comment with the same intense sarcasm I am feeling as I write it)

“Wow! These “football” fans really know how to have fun!”

Thought #2:

In order to qualify to play this “sport” at the Professional Level, or the level of skill required to represent your nation, you obviously must pass a strict test demonstrating that you are a “cry baby/sissy boy” due to your having the following qualities or skills:

A. You must possess a pain threshold so low that if a fly lands on a blade of grass anywhere in your vicinity you will feel such an immediate and intense agony that your body will throw itself to the earth in the wildest contortions, to the sound of your pitched screaming, while you cradle your wounded leg, which has been (astoundingly) broken for the third time in that half of play.

B. You must be an actor extraordinaire and an accomplished contortionist, with tear ducts that flow at will, in order to convey to the world at large and the referee specifically, through snake like writhing and rolling of your body combined with gushing fluid running down your face, just how badly you have been wounded.

C. You must believe your wounds are real and bringing you near to death so strongly as to allow yourself to continue your charade in the face of televised replays that clearly indicate you were not actually contacted physically in any way by the “big bad man” who hurt you.

D. Your powers of recovery must be so incredible that, between the time you are loaded in a heap onto the stretcher to be carried off the field, still writhing in agony, and the time the stretcher reaches the sidelines where you might actually be removed from the game, you have recovered so miraculously that you are able to leap to your feet, take two slightly limping steps, pronounce yourself “all better” and gleefully run back onto the field to continue to “play the game”.

E. Most important of all, you must have no pride!

Thought #3:

In order to qualify to referee this “sport” at the Professional Level, or the level of skill required to referee at the World Cup, you obviously must pass a strict test in which you must clearly demonstrate that you are an “idiot” in the extreme due to your having the following qualities or skills:

A. A combination of an IQ demonstrably in the range of "vegetable" accompanied by such a strong gullibility that you are able to witness the near deaths of sissy boys repeatedly for hours on end without feeling any of the following:

* Compassion for their pain
* Boredom at their feebleness
* Nausea at their sissy boyness
* Disgust at their speed of recovery (gee, might they be lying???)
* Anger at their overall complete unadulterated bullshit.

B. The Patience of Job, allowing you to not start kicking ass when it is so clearly called for.

C. Secret cry baby/sissy boy characteristics of your own.

D. The ability to enjoy doing a job, before the largest viewing audience in the world, which clearly has as its only requirement that you must “do nothing while looking busy”.

E. Most important of all, you must have no pride!

Thought #4

In order to become a bona fide fan of this so called sport you must have a combination of some of the following qualities:

A. You grew up in a vacuum thereby never actually witnessing any of the real sports, so you just don’t know any better.

B. Your second favourite spectator sport is either badminton or cricket.

C. Your capacity for, and love of, boredom knows no bounds.

D. You have passed the same IQ criteria as the referees.

E. Whether male or female you’re a closet gay, hence your obvious attraction to sissy boys instead of real men.

F. Most important of all, you must have no pride!

Afterthought #1:

What is the purpose of the “Offside Rule” in “Football”.

As near as I can gather the purpose of this rule is to ensure that there is never more than one exciting offensive play during any game, and to hopefully result in as many 0/0 ties as possible. Having the occasional bit of offense in a game might result in the fans not being able to catch up on their sleep at anytime they care to, and worst of all it might cause the prolific drinking and mayhem at “football” games to subside as the fans might be distracted from these worthy activities and actually watch the game instead.

My Final Thought (a brief quiz):

It is frequently said, as a humorous criticism of hockey, that “I went to a fight, and a hockey game broke out”. The equivalent comment on “European Football” would be which of the following?

A. I went to a needlepoint contest and a football game broke out.

B. I went to a gay parade and a football game broke out.

C. I went to a _____________ and a football game broke out. (Add your own in the comment box below).

Those, in a nutshell, are my initial thoughts on the World Cup and European Football. Comments anyone?

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(Showing 1 to 2 of 2) 1
#2010-07-05 13:06:51 by woaizhongguo @woaizhongguo

Thought #2 encapsulates my biggest complaint against the game. Sports teach values. In American sports we are taught you do not fake injury to gain an advantage on the field. It is not fair play. And it's not very manly. Babies cry, men don't. To see the way those guys writhe on the field at the slightest touch one can only conclude they are the biggest babies or biggest fakers in the world. In either case, they are not true athletes because no true athlete would feel an injury over so little or fake an injury to gain an advantage. Can you imagine one of these guys playing for Vince Lombardi? Indeed, there is but one question to ask about a sport: "what would Vince say?" I suggest Vince would be disgusted with these posers.
How about, I went to an acting class and a soccer game broke out

#2010-07-05 20:18:36 by h08serch @h08serch

Dear John,
I'm neither Canadian, nor Brazilian, nor soccer fan. I'm the anthropologist, involved in the analysis of cultural phenomena (voluntarily).So some criticism would be fruitful, I hope.
First, football is the national game in Brazil just like hockey in Canada. I enjoy both Canadian hockey (though I'm the fan of Soviet and Russian teams) and Brazilian football (also like the Spanish team). I like to watch soccer, hockey and boxing. Play chess :).
Second.Though some of your ideas "hit the target", you are wrong in one significant point. Football is the game of the team, and the whole match is the long-lasting battle of two teams, not the set of skirmishes (hockey).
At last. Your reaction would be interesting if your national team were fighting! :)
Good luck!
PS: I'm straight :)

(Showing 1 to 2 of 2) 1
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