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Barry from Australia is a questioning soul who looks at social issues from an alternative point of view and instead of asking, “Why?”, he asks “Why not?” He’s convinced that many of his previous incarnations were spent in China. He feels drawn to the people there; attracted by their rich culture and way of life. If given one wish from God, he’d reply, “I want everyone on Earth to be the same colour, speak the same language, and treat each other as they themselves would like to be treated.”
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Our Inescapable Ultimate Destiny    

By Barry Pittman
6959 Views | 78 Comments | 3/23/2017 1:26:19 AM
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#2017-03-28 07:21:49 by Barry1 @Barry1


@melcyan

 

"I believe that I will become literate in Mandarin within the next two to three years."

 

The question must be asked though, why are do beating yourself over the head like this, Melcyan?   You've been studying for over a year now and you've just told us that it may take another two to three years.

 

But why do this?  Haven't you better things to do with your time such as visiting kids or grandkids or socialising more with your extended family, or performing much needed volunteeer work in your local community, for example?  Rather than pursuing a relatively solitary activity in trying to learn Mandarin, widely known as one of the most difficult languages on Earth to master  - given that even your wife doesn't want you to do this!  (headbang)

#2017-03-28 07:52:36 by melcyan @melcyan

I hope everyone learns a valuable lesson from this discussion. It is futile and disempowering to continue to blame your ex for anything. When you are in the state of repeatedly blaming another, you damage your relationship with yourself and you inhibit your chances of success in a new relationship.

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/pamela-dussault/5-reasons-why-you-should-_2_b_2638390.html

#2017-03-28 10:52:02 by Barry1 @Barry1

Okay, I have given this some thought.

 

I have determined that my whingings and whinings  about my ex-partner will largely cease with this blog.  The complaints I lodged against her in this article have as it's turned out, been a most welcome cathartic release for me as far as she's concerned.  Hence there is no need to continue them, to flog a dead horse, as it were.  Enough is enough.

 

As our good friend Melcyan said when referring to his son who'd recently experienced a similar painful separation,

"He was wise enough to use quality counselling. He was also wise enough to share his self-doubts with people who knew him well, loved him and were able to help him grow."

 

In one way, I have in fact done the same as Melcyan's son through venting here in the form of words.   Written, rather than oral ranting.  I shared my honest feelings, my self-doubts and displeasure with you all.  In return, I've been wisely counselled by folks smarter than me who have helped me through the psychological trauma of it all.   Not just in this current blog, but my previous one as well where many concerned comments were received.

 

I feel that I've now passed through the tunnel of emotional darkness that had unwelcomely immersed me, emerging like a chysalis from its restrictive cocoon into a new day of fresh hope and optimism.

 

Lily (Tina) was a good and true woman, I acknowledge and accept this.  It is simply that in the end, we discovered we weren't quite right for each other.  Simple as that.  Such is life.

Thank you and blessing to everyone for your supportive, helpful comments.  This also includes even the non-supportive ones, as paradoxically they also have been instructive, in one form or another.   (clap)(clap)(handshake)(handshake)

 



 

#2017-03-28 18:24:16 by melcyan @melcyan

@paulfox1

I agree that "good", "quality", "effective" are all difficult terms to define with regard to the teacher/learner dynamic. Also, a classroom setting is very different to a one- on-one tutorial. 

I know from personal experience, what defines me as a quality learner. My first few years as a ballroom dancer and my first few years as a learner of Mandarin were definitely low-quality learning experiences. 

I have used several different tutors for Mandarin with varying success. A quality teacher or tutor is one who can adapt to my particular learning style. I have finally found a tutor/teacher who can do that. Once a teacher and a learner synchronise learning explodes!

My personal view of quality teaching requires that

- a teacher has expertise in their subject

- a teacher loves their subject and loves learning

-a teacher loves switching roles of learner/teacher

-a teacher adapts to the particular learning style of their student

I finally have a teacher who caters to my particular learning style and idiosyncrasies. When you combine that with a committed learner, success is almost inevitable.

 

#2017-03-28 19:33:13 by melcyan @melcyan

@Barry1

" You've been studying for over a year now and you've just told us that it may take another two to three years.

But why do this?  Haven't you better things to do with your time such as visiting kids or grandkids or socialising more with your extended family, or performing much-needed volunteer work in your local community, for example?"

 

I have been doing low-quality learning of Mandarin for 3 years now. Sometimes my breaks from learning have been as long as 2 months. That approach was never going to work.

 

Now I am committed to learning every day. When I wake up I think of the first three sentences that I will write in my Mandarin journal. I am thoroughly enjoying learning Mandarin. 

 

When I was young and at University I had a learning fantasy. What if I never had to work and I could study forever? Now that I have retired, that dream has come true! 

 

It has been said that you can never really know another culture without knowing its language. I agree! I have no chance of completely succeeding because my partner's native language is Shanghainese dialect, not Mandarin.However, I intend to fully enjoy my language learning journey regardless of the language level that I finally achieve.

 

If I succeed, my happiness will only be exceeded by partner's happiness.

 

#2017-03-29 23:14:15 by anonymous15915 @anonymous15915

Barry, I personally have appreciated your venting your broken heart here with us as you have given us an insight into how a western/chinese relationship can be wonderful as well as how it can fail.

I do not believe Lily is an evil person but I do believe she is like most other females be it western or Chinese, when they want out of a relationship they do not give a shit about whom they hurt to do so and how badly they hurt the person. Then to make themselves feel better they shred you. Remember that Chinese females are much more manipulative than your average western female, all under the guise they only want whats best for you or they care about you when in fact they are molding you into what they want you to be. You can rest assure that all her close GF and her not so new bf have been told how bad you were(even though she was just as bad) just to make herself feel better about the failure and her brutal way of ending it. But she forgets she is at least 50% to blame in the failure of the relationship nor will she ever admit she was wrong and made a mistake, do not ever forget this fact Barry. She seems to have moved on very quickly which indicates she is a bit cold hearted. I personally feel sorry for her new guy...

Do not listen to all the inner reflection advice being given to you, it is just men who are whipped and are being molded into yes men by women....you are a man's man and should continue to be so. You know what went wrong so learn from that, do not change who you are to suit others. There are plenty of single women in China in your age range, I am confident that you will find one who is "just right for you"  Your running/jogging is a good way to meet plenty of exercise minded Chinese women as you already know. 

Remember that women are creatures of appearance/physical attraction first, they like masculine men who are strong, independant, healthy and virile, you fit all the criteria so just be "you".....

 

Cheers mate! (beer)

#2017-03-31 13:34:05 by paulfox1 @paulfox1


@melcyan

You are spot-on correct! Classroom environments are completely different from one-on-one study environments simply because everyone has their own learning style. As you say, once the teacher/student find some symchronocity, successfull learning is inevitable.

#2017-03-31 15:22:39 by Barry1 @Barry1


@anonymous15915

Barry, I personally have appreciated your venting your broken heart here with us as you have given us an insight into how a western/chinese relationship can be wonderful as well as how it can fail.

 

Thanks for this, I hope my writing can be of a small benefit to some people, highlighting as it does, a realistic view of both the good and the bad points of online Chinese dating.

 

I do not believe Lily is an evil person but I do believe she is like most other females be it western or Chinese, when they want out of a relationship they do not give a shit about whom they hurt to do so and how badly they hurt the person. Then to make themselves feel better they shred you. Remember that Chinese females are much more manipulative than your average western female, all under the guise they only want whats best for you or they care about you when in fact they are molding you into what they want you to be. You can rest assure that all her close GF and her not so new bf have been told how bad you were(even though she was just as bad) just to make herself feel better about the failure and her brutal way of ending it.

 

I have learnt that no matter how secure you feel, a relationship is just a phone call away from being terminated.  In my case, this happened when I was in a foreign country, thousands of miles away from home.  It particularly hurt me when Lily didn't even volunteer to see me off at the airport.  I know John said this was normal behaviour for people in such a circumstance and that even he would act like this, but to me, it was very dishonourable and gutless.

 

But she forgets she is at least 50% to blame in the failure of the relationship nor will she ever admit she was wrong and made a mistake, do not ever forget this fact Barry. She seems to have moved on very quickly which indicates she is a bit cold hearted. I personally feel sorry for her new guy...

 

Yes, Lily attributes 95 per cent of the blame to me.  Even before I had finished writing my last blog in May last year, merely a week or two after our breakup, Lily was chatting intensely to a new boyfriend who incredibly was telling her over and over in the first week of communicating, that he loved her!   It nearly made me gag on my breakfast, reading the maudlin messages that this new USA guy was telling her.  Little did he realise that Lily was forwarding some of his sickly sentimental messages to me, in an effort to flaunt her new boyfriend in my face.

"See, I have a new boyfriend and he loves me!"

 

Pardon me whilst I vomit.

 


 

 

Do not listen to all the inner reflection advice being given to you, it is just men who are whipped and are being molded into yes men by women....you are a man's man and should continue to be so.

 

Thanks buddy.  I do think some of the guys on this forum can be best described as being pussy-whipped.  It's true. It's damn true.

 

 

You know what went wrong so learn from that, do not change who you are to suit others. There are plenty of single women in China in your age range, I am confident that you will find one who is "just right for you"  Your running/jogging is a good way to meet plenty of exercise minded Chinese women as you already know. 

 

Cheers mate.  I have reopened my profile on this website so hopefully something (or someone) will come along.

 

Remember that women are creatures of appearance/physical attraction first, they like masculine men who are strong, independant, healthy and virile, you fit all the criteria so just be "you".....

 

Yes, it's a common misconception that men go for appearance first and women don't.  Based on my experience, I agree that many women are just as grossly superficial as most men!    :o

 

Thanks for your intelligent observations, mate.  (clap)

#2017-03-31 15:29:56 by Barry1 @Barry1


@melcyan

 

You're obviously a smart man, Melcyan.

 

Let me act as devil's advocate.  Wouldn't your wife (and most others around you, including your family) think MORE of you if instead of spending countless hours learning one of the world's most difficult languages, you selflessly gave your free time to doing charity or volunteer work?  Helping those hapless souls in your immediate community less privileged than you, that sorely need such help?  

 

Which is more important? 

You learning Chinese?

Or you helping out in a practical way those needy folk around you that are desperate for assistance?  ^)

#2017-03-31 22:38:44 by paulfox1 @paulfox1


@Barry1

Good idea, Barry!

Get yourself out there, find yourself a woman who does a wonderful impression of a 'sheela na gig', and start enjoying yourself.

Otherwise I suggest you take up Mandarin lessons, lol.

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