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Barry from Australia is a questioning soul who looks at social issues from an alternative point of view and instead of asking, “Why?”, he asks “Why not?” He’s convinced that many of his previous incarnations were spent in China. He feels drawn to the people there; attracted by their rich culture and way of life. If given one wish from God, he’d reply, “I want everyone on Earth to be the same colour, speak the same language, and treat each other as they themselves would like to be treated.”
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Our Inescapable Ultimate Destiny    

By Barry Pittman
6967 Views | 78 Comments | 3/23/2017 1:26:19 AM
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#2017-03-24 21:14:41 by sandy339 @sandy339

It is so happy to see you are back dear Barry.

I beg to differ in a lot of places where you complained your regrets. Actuallly I felt sometimes it was unfair to your parner by reading your former blogs. We need firm love not doutful  relationship, or too much pondering. Yes I believe Live, Love and Laugh, and then die alone, lol without too much regret. Keep on praying and counting your blessings you will get there for sure. Every failure is closer to success. Maybe next time you need to listen our suggestion and advice. Be simple and wise. Again so happy to see you back:-)

#2017-03-25 12:36:23 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

@Barry1 - I am a little reluctant to respond to your comments because you seem to think I was being critical of you personally when I said I don't agree with the "We're born alone, we die alone." statement. I didn't mean in anyway that I don't understand and accept your use of that well known and oft used quote, attributable to Orsen Welles as near as I can tell from a Google search. It is a powerful and elegant statement about the feeling of utter loneliness that we feel, when a deep love we felt for someone is wrent asunder by their rejection of that love. It is a powerful metaphor which you have used to describe your feelings in the circumstances of Lily breaking up with you brilliantly.

However, it is a metaphor, "a figure of speech in which a word or phrase is applied to an object or action to which it is not literally applicable" - Dictionary.com. In this case, the the word "alone" is being applied to the action of being "born" to which it is not literally applicable.

I will grant you that it is possible, although not necessary, that we might die alone, but I repeat that it is not literally possible to be born alone. We are, by absolute necessity, born at minimum in the presence (before, during and after) of our Mother. 

You say "In reply, let me say that "We are born alone, we die alone" is an IRREFUTABLE fact.", but I beg to differ. And yes, I am referring to the "process", as you say you are. In the process of being born, from the moment of conception, to the moment of leaving the womb, to the second of drawing our first breath, we are inevitably NOT alone but in the presence of our Mother.

There may be some strange event that happens once in a million times that removes us from our Mother's presence between the moment of leaving the womb and the second of drawing our first breath, but even then, there is almost no chance at all that someone else won't be present when that first breath is taken. We can say literally "my Mother was there, but only I was born at the time", but we cannot say literally "I was born alone but my Mother was there at the time". I do not understand how you can possibly suggest that we are 'literally" born alone.

As to dieing alone, certainly many people will be alone when dieing. However, it by no means a certaintly. Both of my parents took their last breath while I was sitting beside them. I was still there when they were pronounced dead by their doctors. So in their case, and no doubt countless others like them, they did not go through the process of death alone. Only they went through the process at that time, but they were not alone when they did so.

Just the same, we all know what you mean as far as the unbelievable and overwhelming feeling of aloneness we have when our perceived true love breaks up with us. It is a feeling that we never have and never will find our one true love. "We are born alone, we die alone." does describe that feeling poignantly.

You also said the following and my responses are in itialics:

"Is giving me a phone call in the middle of the night dumping me  - without the courtesy or moral strength  of a face to face meeting  -  what any woman have done?" Probably not "any", but I suggest that yes it has become what most women and most men would do. 

"Is texting to me in a most gratuitous way some weeks after the split some very unnecessary, personally hurtful remarks what any woman would have done?" Again, not "any", but yes many women and men, after breaking up with someone, are still angry with that person for leading them to give up on the relationship, and will act out again after initiating the breakup.

Is not even having the decency to see me off at the airport when I left China the following month, a very foreign, alien place to me  -   even though SHE was the reason I had gone there in the first place  - what any woman have done?" I think that almost all women or men would not see the person they have dumped off at the airport when they leave. Perhaps out of guilt, perhaps out of their own sadness that things didn't work out, perhaps feeling it would simply be rubbing salt in the wound, but I don't see many people being willing to see their ex off at the airport. I can tell you that I wouldn't.

I understand how you feel about Lily today, and I have been there myself, but I venture to guess that someday after time has helped heal your wounds, you will recognize that Lily was going through her own grieving over the end of a promising relationship, and was just acting relatively normally in the circumstances. 

But certainly I may be wrong.

 

#2017-03-25 16:42:01 by anonymous15892 @anonymous15892

I think Lily is a good woman

When a good woman met a bad man, she is not lucky

When a good woman met a good man, they both are lucky

When a bad woman met a bad man, other people are lucky

Many good women, when they are younger, they may met some bad men and paid for the price, these painful experiences made them smarter, but still they are not the lucky ones, no one really want to meet those bad men, the prices are really high

Everyone want to be happy, to be painful and learn from lessons is just a comfort saying for us.

We born alone and die alone, but when we are born, certainly there are family who take care of us, how can you grow up without them?

We die alone, but for me, I know there are a few people in this world loves me and I can rely on them, they will be sad when I die, the meaning for us to live in this world is to love someone and be loved by someone. Not just men and women, how about your family? you don't have any close family or friends that you love?

I found that many men think too high of themselves, blame their own faults on others, including many Chinese men, western men and western women.

While many Chinese women tend to think over their own misktakes and learnt the lessons and then move on, yes they are good heart and also their hearts are strong.

It is meaningless to be sad over those people who don't deserve your sadness

 

 

#2017-03-25 16:52:19 by anonymous15893 @anonymous15893

Please some guys here, don't use the name of love to get what you really want, be honest to tell

You want to stay in China then just say that, don't say that you do that just for love

You want to stay in China to play around, then you will hurt some nice women but finally you will comfort yourself after all, we are born alone and die alone, that is very fine, just do what you want and say what you want too

Chinese women are kind but they are not stupid, they may be fooled around for once or twice, but not always, since they are usually have close family to take care of each other so they won't die alone

#2017-03-25 17:02:52 by paulfox1 @paulfox1


@melcyan

As someone who regularly gives excellent relationship advice on this website, your words completely shocked me this time:-

 

'My partner does not support me learning Mandarin. She belittles my attempts to learn. She often reminds me how old I am. At times she can be quite savage. Why does she do this? In her heart of hearts, she firmly believes I will never be literate in Mandarin. She would love me to be able to speak Mandarin but to her way of thinking me learning Mandarin is impossible. She believes that getting me to give up soon will help me by saving me the pain of failure and regret of time wasted.'

 

So here you are giving us advice on 'tolerance' and 'support' within a relationship, yet you openly admit that your partner belittles you at the thought of you studying a second language? WTF???????

 

I could fully understand it if she was telling you that you are too old to have another child for instance, but to learn Mandarin? Are you serious?

 

So what is she telling you? You're too old to learn anything new, just give up any idea you may have, Oh, and by the way, try not to get your shoe too dirty from having one foot in the grave.

 

If you seriously want to learn, I suggest you find yourself a Mandarin teacher. There'll be plenty on 'tutorfind.com'. Once you have had a few lessons, maybe your partner will help you practise, but I would certainly not advocate you asking her to be your teacher.

 

If you want to do it, then do it! Grow some balls, mate!

 

 

 

 

 

 

#2017-03-25 17:07:48 by anonymous15895 @anonymous15895

So you are talking again and again how much you love lily and how sad you are

But when you were with Lily, did you do anything for her? you said again and again about the bad toilet of Lily's home, and clearly her living condition is not good, instead of talking, did you do anything for her? did you ever help to improve her living conditions?

Did you pay back the money Lily spent on you?

I really hope other female members here won't be fooled by you

Lily is very kind to you, you use her to write articles to pretend you are a love saint, if Lily is not too kind, maybe she will write a ugly story about you.

It is not fair because this is a one side story, you have used Lily for long time and you never think about your own faults but still keep on using her, God bless you!

#2017-03-25 21:42:04 by Barry1 @Barry1

@melcyan

 

My partner does not support me learning Mandarin. She belittles my attempts to learn. She often reminds me how old I am. At times she can be quite savage. Why does she do this? In her heart of hearts, she firmly believes I will never be literate in Mandarin. She would love me to be able to speak Mandarin but to her way of thinking me learning Mandarin is impossible. She believes that getting me to give up soon will help me by saving me the pain of failure and regret of time wasted.

 

I agree with your clever wife, Melcyan.  Give up Mandarin.  It's too damn difficult to learn for anyone of fifty!  I know, I tried and I failed miserably!  :@

 

John’s words on Chinese women and relationships appear accurate to me.

 

Well Melcyan, some of the words are accurate...... but some are off the mark, but then again, this is from my perspective only.

 

I am guessing that you were tested repeatedly by Lily in the past and you repeatedly failed.  She made the judgement by herself that the relationship would never improve to the level she wanted and issues surrounding her daughter’s future also played a part.

 

Your guessing -  your assumptions  - are inaccurate in my view, Melcyan.  Please guess again!  

 

I also suspect that Lily thought that you were going to very stubborn with accepting that your relationship with her was over. It is possible that she created the unkind words and the instant wall of separation deliberately to help you accept the end of the relationship in the shortest time possible.

 

If a human being was deliberately cruel to another human simply to hasten a breakup between them, this is adding quite harshly to the initial cruelty, surely?   :^)

 

What if I am completely wrong here and Lily really is a bitch. If that is true why did it take you so long to work it out?

 

You're not completely wrong, Melcyan.  Just partially wrong.  But that then shows that you're human, after all. 

 

 When I was online dating I was able to work out the character of the people I communicated with. Embryonic relationships need to be pushed, stretched and twisted and during this time communication should get better and better or crash. What is the worst that can happen? The relationship ends? Better sooner than later if the two of you are not really a match.

 

That's just it.  I am sure that we COULD have been a match, if genuine desire existed on BOTH parties to pursue this, to really do their best.  Sadly however, only one party was serious about the relationship..... the other party was not.  I'll let you guess who is who here. 

 

Good comments, Melcyan.  Cheers mate.  (y)

#2017-03-25 21:49:39 by Barry1 @Barry1

@paulfox1

 

Barry, when you were going through what you went through with Lily, we chatted almost every day. There were many occasions when you contacted me, not so much to ask for advice, but rather to ask me what I would do in your situation.

 

Yes Paul, you were one of my few friends in China - or elsewhere, for that matter  -  who I could confide in.

 

It was during many of those conversations that I genuinely felt your pain.

 

In retrospect, the writing was on the wall well before the final dumping occurred.  I guess I subconsciously knew this.

 

I decided many years ago that regretting anything is futile.What's the point when we cannot change the past?

Surely it is better to learn by our mistakes and try our best not to repeat them.

 

Exactly correct!

 

You say you're not a 'good catch'. That's rubbish!

Following my acrimonious divorce, I was left with little more than a few clothes and an ancient laptop. Yet at my age many Chinese women expect me to have a couple of houses back in Australia that I'm renting out.

Well, I don't have!

I did, a few years ago, but that all went pear-shaped when my marriage broke down. So that makes both of us useless, does it?

 

You're a terrific example of someone who picks themselves up by their bootstraps, dusts themselves off  -  and then makes a red hot go at the rest of your life.  I sincerely salute you, Paul.  (clap)

 

I have zero regrets. I prefer to look at life as a journey, and as one door closes, another one opens. Regrets serve no purpose at all.

 

Yes, all we can do is learn the lessons and move on.  But this unfortunately means as we age, most of us become harder, more cynical.

 

"Mrs Barry' is out there somewhere - Lily wasn't the one, so that means you haven't met her yet. Don't give up!

 

The stupid lady missed a good catch when she dumped me, mate!  (muscle)

 

Cheers Paul.  (beer)

#2017-03-26 06:47:27 by Barry1 @Barry1

@sandy339

 

It is so happy to see you are back dear Barry.

 

Xie  xie Sandy.

 

 

I beg to differ in a lot of places where you complained your regrets. Actuallly I felt sometimes it was unfair to your parner by reading your former blogs. We need firm love not doutful  relationship, or too much pondering.

 

I was always very complimentary to my ex-partner, in my former blogs, Sandy.  She also had told me that she never read them.

 

Yes I believe Live, Love and Laugh, and then die alone, lol without too much regret.

 

Please tell John this, Sandy.  he is the only one here who argues about what I said.   (giggle)

 

 

Keep on praying and counting your blessings you will get there for sure. Every failure is closer to success.

 

Very wise words indeed!

 

 

Maybe next time you need to listen our suggestion and advice.

 

But what adice or suggestions did I NOT listen to this time?  :^)

 

 

Be simple and wise. Again so happy to see you back

 

Blessings to you also, Sandy.  (clap)

#2017-03-26 07:15:30 by Barry1 @Barry1

@JohnAbbot

 

Thanks for your very detailed analysis of my statement

"We're born alone, we die alone".

 

Once again however  - with the greatest of respect  - you have misinterpreted what I said.

 

Without wanting to seem overly pedantic about the point, let me advise that my words were NOT necessarily a metaphor.  You suggested that they were.

 

I simply made a statement that we are born alone and we die alone.  It is YOU who assumed what I said was metaphorical.  Maybe what was meant though was simply a FACTUAL statement, that is, we are born solitarily and we die the same way.

 

As for saying that we are not born alone, I repudiate this idea, sorry about that.  I do not care if we are within a womb when we are born, we are still alone.  Our brain, our mind, is separate from everyone around us, including our mother, who merely is a vehicle - a facilitator - of the process.  There may be a connection such as an umbilical cord, but that is entirely divorced from our brain, our mind, just as a shoe lace cannot be called part of a shoe.

 

The same goes with dying.  It matters not if we are surrounded by a gaggle of family, when we die, we do it by ourselves.  It is by definition, a solitary act, regardless of who may be around us at the time.

 

As for all the references I made to the disappointing actions that my ex-partner made after my breakup, their significance was magnified by the fact that up until the break-up, I genuinely had considered her to be an extraordinary person, an extremely good person.  BUT following her appalling actions later on, I realised she was NOT extraordinary at all, just very, very ordinary.

 

This to me, was a bitter disappointment indeed, magnifying my grief at the time.

 

By the way, I agree that most women would not see their partners off at the airport followinng a separation and that many would become a little rude afterwards.  Most also would NOT have the guts to separate at a face to face meeting.

 

BUT those outstanding people who would break the mould and  act honorably both during and after a separation to me would be very worthy, honorable souls.   I really thought my ex-partner fell into this category of being an exceedingly decent, honorable person but very sadly, I was proven wrong by her very banal actions. 

 

In a nutshell, I suddenly realised she was not extraordinary at all.  Just very, very ordinary and I grieved for this disappointing situation and my misjudging of it  -  of her  -  also.   (u)

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