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Barry from Australia is a questioning soul who looks at social issues from an alternative point of view and instead of asking, “Why?”, he asks “Why not?” He’s convinced that many of his previous incarnations were spent in China. He feels drawn to the people there; attracted by their rich culture and way of life. If given one wish from God, he’d reply, “I want everyone on Earth to be the same colour, speak the same language, and treat each other as they themselves would like to be treated.”
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Our Inescapable Ultimate Destiny    

By Barry Pittman
6611 Views | 78 Comments | 3/23/2017 1:26:19 AM

For those new to my blogs, this article is a continuation of the story that can be seen in the link below.  For the sake of continuity, it might pay newcomers to read the previous blog, before starting on this current one.



https://blog.chinalovematch.net/blog/article/we-are-born-alone-we-die-alone



"How can I go forward when I don't know which way I'm facing?

How can I go forward when I don't know which way to turn?"



The haunting words from John Lennon's classic song "How?" kept rattling around in my mind.  Almost involuntarily, I futilely shook my head as if to clear it. Sometimes I felt as if the oppressive Black Dog was lurking close by and watching, ready to pounce and sink its tenacious fangs into me in any unguarded moment of weakness.  I fought hard to keep this bleak hound of despair and desperation at bay. Slowly - inch by inch  - the battle was being won.



It was May 2016. I was sitting in my small dorm room in the foreign teachers' quarters at Leshan University in Sichuan Province, mentally rehashing the disturbing events that had just befallen me.



I blinked and reread what was prophetically penned in the book I was perusing. The page in front of me said, “Count your blessings”.



“Count my blessings, eh?”  I whispered almost imperceptively to myself. "You've gotta be joking!"



Hmm, let me see. 



First off, I'd been unceremoniously and totally unexpectedly dumped by a lady I had loved.



Secondly, I was in a strange country (China) without the moral and physical support of this person any longer. Up until now, she’d been my crucial translator and valued guide and helper.



Thirdly, I was reeling like a drunken man staggering down a dimly lit footpath in the knowledge that most likely, it would be most difficult to find another relationship that up until now, had proven in my mind at least, to have been so happy.



So where were all the abundant and joyous blessings I should be counting?



I was teaching English at the small university here, purely because I'd wanted to be close to the Chinese lady who as it turned out, had ultimately abandoned me.  I thought things had been going reasonably well until the fateful phone call that she’d made, exclaiming quite stridently into my shell-shocked ears that she no longer wanted to be a part of my life.  I felt like a stunned mullet that'd just been abruptly whacked over the head with a almighty large lump of wood. A hand grenade of hemorrhaging mental trauma had just violently exploded in my face.



So in the ensuing days, in an effort to assuage my shattered feelings, I’d opened up a few books on internal self-evaluation and healing.  But now I was being admonished to count my blessings.  What a damn waste of time this stupid, pretentious book was!



Yet through sheer desperation, I continued to peruse it.  Beggars can't be choosers. At that time, I did indeed feel akin to a miserable wretch, bankrupted of all the goodness that formerly had protectively surrounded him. Fumbling through the pages, I soon stumbled across a chapter entitled



“What makes a successful couple?”



Okay, I give up - what was the answer here?  Obviously I was in dire need of some sage counselling and advice.



The book explained that couples who never argued had paradoxically a higher risk of separation as it was likely at least one person – if not both – were suppressing their emotions in order to keep the peace.  It said successful spouses did fight but what was important was the way that they fought, that is, they criticized a behavior or a habit, without becoming personally insulting.  Or in a sporting sense, they attacked the ball, not the man.



This is why I was shocked when in the weeks following the break up, my ex-partner texted to me some quite gratuitous personal insults.  Things such as that to her, I was now in her memory no more important than an insipid fly crawling up a wall. She also highlighted my supposedly advanced age (I was fifteen years older than her), effusing that her "new boyfriend" was much younger than me. Other acerbic, smart-arse and completely unnecessary derisive barbs were thrown.  These ironically ended up reflecting extremely poorly in my mind on the astonishing and very unexpected superficiality and shallowness of the character of the lady I'd once loved. I didn't respond or reply in any way to her taunts, simply ignoring them.



In truth though, I was mortified by these disappointing insults.  Tears formed in my eyes as I read them. Tears of sadness and disappointment. This was very much unlike her, I couldn’t understand the warped reasoning behind the unwarranted rudeness. Most certainly, following our separation, I’d been at pains never to personally attack her, despite the paroxysms of pain that spasmodically rumbled within me.  I must say though, that as it turned out, a month or so following the burst of acrid insolence, she texted an apology to me, expressing her regret at having been so ungracious and unkind.



The problem was however that harsh words and personal invective were akin to nails being driven into a piece of wood.  You could remove them (by apologising) but the ugly scars of where they once were would remain, maybe forever.  In my situation, perhaps I could eventually forgive her for what she’d caustically spat out at me, but I will never forget.



Thus in the ensuing weeks and months following this fraught breakup, I remained in a state of complexity, experiencing waves of wildly differing emotions, a rollicking roller coaster of ambivalence, feeling like a helpless bobbing cork in an ocean of disorientation.  Though of course, I never revealed this deep bewilderment to my friends, lest they think what an appalling sad sack jellyfish that I was.  The fact that this description was in fact quite apt, was beside the point. 



The situation was complicated also when the person in question at one stage denied that we'd even been promised to each other.  She refuted the idea that we were ever to be married.  Once again, I was stunned at this extraordinarily hurtful viewpoint. If this was so, why had I bothered to give up my newly purchased home in Australia plus leave my business there, in order to move to an alien country to work in a job I'd never done before (teaching)?  Hadn't she realised how utterly stressful this major life change had been to me at the time, yet bravely I carried through with it all with an iron resolve that in retrospect, I can rightly be quite proud of.



Why had I also written literally dozens of blogs (over fifty of them) during the preceding year and a half, describing how close we’d been, with so many happy photos of us being together?  And now she was attempting to deny that we were ever really committed partners?  She also continually harassed me about removing all the photos I'd taken during this time, showing many wonderful shots of how happy we'd been together.  In my mind, she was attempting to deny, rewrite or erase history. I know she sent missives to the management of this website also, demanding removal of the photos from the blogs. Yet again, I was staggered by her internal callousness, the mystifying emotional aridity within her.  She was a paragon of the old cliche about a woman scorned ("hell hath no fury........")



Over time, I gradually realized my ex-partner through these delinquent actions was most likely attempting to justify her reprehensible behavior in her own mind by attempting to diminish the beautiful relationship that we'd once shared.  The more I learnt about her true self, the more bitterly disappointed I became.  Anyone can smile and be nice when things were going well, as she'd exhibited so often.  The true test of the calibre of a person however was how they behaved when the chips were down, when the world around them was in chaos and tumult. Sadly I reflected that my expartner had in many ways, failed the acid character test. I'd badly misjudged her.  



Upon further reflection over the ensuing months, normality slowly returned. Despite the many words exchanged, I never fully came to grips with why the rocky breakup had occurred in the first place.  Sure, she’d given me various reasons at the time, but none of them - to me at least - seemed to be a deal breaker.  Every point of difference I believe could’ve been resolved through ingenuous, sincere discussion and compromise.  Before wielding an almighty big guillotine and chopping off a bloodied head as she had so brutally done!



Reports have shown that it wasn't uncommon for ostensibly thick skinned men to suffer worse than most women in relationship breakdowns.  They described that whilst ladies may suffer greatly in the short term, they tended to recover more quickly and move on.  Men often appeared to be less hurt initially, but their pain generally lasted far longer than that of the lady.  I must say that from my experience in this failed relationship, these research findings were spot on.  It seemed my ex-partner emotionally recovered much more quickly than I did.  Maybe because it was her ignominious doing in the first place? Or perhaps due to an inherent genetic predisposition (heartlessness) on her part.



In conclusion, I've come to the realisation that self-acceptance and growth of wisdom are exceedingly important, second only to health.  Fruitless wonderings and interminable self-guessing about the past are completely redundant and need to be overcome.  Learn the lesson and move on!  A cynic would say expect the worst and you'll never be disappointed!



I now also know more poignantly than ever before that we’re born alone. We die alone. It was only through a wretched succession of ephemeral, illusory and often heart-breaking relationships in between these two extreme life points that so many desperate souls attempted to delude themselves that aloneness was not in fact their inescapable, irrefutable ultimate destiny.


Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
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#2017-03-23 01:17:01 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

Barry, I can't tell you how happy I am to see you back blogging. And I see you are sort of picking up where you left off, albeit with lots of healing, new experiences and a great deal of time for thought having passed in the meantime. It's going to be very interesting discovering where you have landed after all your past experiences, how you are doing and what is coming up on the horizon.

Meanwhile, as to the specifics in this blog I have a couple of comments to make.

First, I don't quite understand, nor accept, the "We're born alone, we die alone." statement. To me, it's the "We're born alone" part that makes no sense. Generally we are embarking on the journey of life, and as we come out of our Mother's womb to greet the world (we are born), we are instantly met by said Mom, a Doctor and a gaggle of nurses, and from there the group of people who join us to guide us through life grows incessantly. How is that being "born alone".

I guess if you think of death as being the end of life and of existence, we ultimately do die alone. Even if there are loving people around us as we breathe our last breath, nobody accompanies us through that last door. However, if, as I do, you believe that death is merely the next step in an ongoing journey, then I suggest there's no reason to believe that nobody awaits us on the other side of death's door to help us on the next stage of our journey. There could be countless peope standing by to help guide us on our journey after death, just as there were countless people waiting to guide us after birth. We just won't know until we get there.

Second, I understand and believe that women start grieving the end of a relationship long before it has actually ended. They foresee that it is doomed, and in doing so they start the process of both recovering from their grief at its pending demise, and start looking around for the next possible relationship. That doesn't mean they have made the ultimate decision to end the relationship, but they are preparing themselves for the end in case nothing changes to make the relationship whole again.

By the time we men figure out there is something terminally wrong with our relationship, it is actually already over, and our women are already over their grief and are taking steps to recover and start a new and better life. Usually our women give us many signs that our relationships are breaking down, but because we have somewhat blissfully (and callously) ignored what our women have been suffering leading up to the relationship's demise, we are taken aback by the sudden unforeseen plunge into stark, cold aloneness.

And in the severe, pounding, heart shattering pain that we inevitably suffer from that plunge, we see our women as cold, indifferent and callous weapons of torture and evil, when they are, in fact, simply intelligent survivors. They can read the writing on the wall better than we can, they know how to protect themselves from what's coming better than we do, and they therefore fare better than we do when the proverbial shit hits the fan.

While I believe that this is true of all women vs all men, I also believe that probably no women are better able to protect themselves from the damage of a relationship ending than are Chinese women, because they are both incredibly emotionally strong and they are incredibly practical. Since Western men are neither emotionally strong nor particularly practical, we are no match for Chinese women at surviving a realtionship breakdown. As such, you were no match for Lily in that regard.

Forgive Lily, for she did nothing more than any woman would have done. She took care of her own heart, and in doing so was unable to take care of yours. But this was not out of evil, or nastiness or bitterness. It was simply out of self defence. Life goes on, as you are no doubt finding out.

It's very, very good to see you here. I am sure your readers will be happy about it.

#2017-03-23 08:36:47 by paulfox1 @paulfox1

'The true measure of a man is how he treats somebody that can do him no good'

 

I don't know who coined that phrase but isn't it beautiful?

 

Welcome back, Barry!

Perhaps youI think John is being a bit 'picky' when questioning your phrase 'We're born alone....'? Although I share his view, I read it as 'we come into this world alone and we go out of this world alone'.

 

There's certainly much more to this 'human existence' we call 'life' than we'll probably ever know or understand - at least not until the point of death.

 

I firmly believe that our consciousness, or 'soul' if you prefer, is simply a life-force placed in a human body in order to experience and learn.

 

Two of the most evil men ever to walk this planet have died this week. The first one being David Rockefeller, the other one was Martin McGuinness who was a former IRA 'bigwig'.

Both were evil in similar and yet very different ways but if there really IS a 'hell', then may they both burn there for eternity.

 

Lily isn't 'evil' at all. How can anyone possibly compare the 'wickedness' of ANY woman to the evil deeds perpetrated by scum such as these men?

 

We all get hurt, my friend. It's that hurt that makes us stronger, more aware, and more experienced. It's true that the heart takes a long time to 'heal', and when it is finally healed, it's not ready to be broken again so quickly. It's the heart's determination alone that makes us stronger.

#2017-03-23 09:37:46 by melcyan @melcyan

Barry, welcome back! We missed you.

 

"Count your blessings" may seem strange words in a time of pain, but if you can make that the default position for your mind, rather than pain, your life will become happier and more peaceful.

 

When my wife died 23 years ago, I dealt with the pain by forcing myself to make gratitude a daily practice. Now it is a lifetime habit. The daily practice of gratitude transformed my life.

 

Gratitude? Where do you start? You are fit and healthy. You are intelligent. You have a sense of humour and a love of writing. You are a great person. If you doubt this then your starting point needs to be developing self-love.

 

What if it is also true that Lily is a great person? Surely two great people will be a match? Two good people with two good hearts are not enough. The sad truth is that you and Lily were not a match. What important information on matching did you miss? The answer may well lie in your words on CLM.

 

Within your CLM words, the truth may be found but maybe only you can find it. Only you know when you were completely factual or when you were in free flight, writing words for entertainment. When you reread your words about Lily, completely forget about the quality of your writing and focus on the occasions when you were not fully present with her and seeing things clearly.

 

Once you discover where your perceptions of your actions and Lily’s actions were wrong and where you missed opportunities to fully communicate, you will clear a pathway to establish a truly genuine loving and growing relationship in the future.

 

#2017-03-23 11:57:19 by Barry1 @Barry1

@JohnAbbot

Thanks for your good wishes, John.  It is good to see some of my old friends here again.  I wonder what mischief everyone has been up to in my absence?  (giggle)

 

Let me explain however some of what I said, as follows.

 

You said,

"I don't quite understand, nor accept, the "We're born alone, we die alone." statement. To me, it's the "We're born alone" part that makes no sense...as we come out of our Mother's womb to greet the world (we are born), we are instantly met ....."

In reply, let me say that "We are born alone, we die alone" is an IRREFUTABLE fact.

 

When you were born, were you alone - or with a cacophony of people?

I am referring to when you are born  - the process  -  NOT what happens afterwards.  You refer to being met by doctors, nurses, etc  - but that is AFTER you are born.  How can you possibly suggest that you are not born alone?

In similar fashion, you suggest that upon dying, "there could be countless peope standing by to help guide us on our journey after death".

 

But once again, you've fallen into the trap of referring to what may happen AFTER death.  Irrelevant!

 

I put it to you that what I said about being born alone and dying alone is absolutely correct.  It is your assumption that I have used these as metaphors for the wholistic and quite complex process of life and death that has lead you to question my self-evidently accurate truisms. 

 

So let me say it again.

WE ARE BORN ALONE AND WE DIE ALONE

 

I appreciate the rest of your comments about women in general, John.  In many ways, they are certainly more emotionally robust than men, even though at face value, the easy way they can burst into tears, etc gives a misleading impression of how emotionally fragile they are.  This fragility is in many ladies no more than a convenient camouflage however, for a very profound emotional inner strength, when push comes to shove.

 

"Forgive Lily, for she did nothing more than any woman would have done."

Is giving me a phone call in the middle of the night dumping me  - without the courtesy or moral strength  of a face to face meeting  -  what any woman have done?

Is texting to me in a most gratuitous way some weeks after the split some very unnecessary, personally hurtful remarks what any woman would have done?

 

Is not even having the decency to see me off at the airport when I left China the following month, a very foreign, alien place to me  -   even though SHE was the reason I had gone there in the first place  - what any woman have done?

I could go on John, but I feel you need to empathise more with the male of the species here, rather than assuming that because she was a female, she thus must automatically or instinctively deserve copious leeway for her flaccid character.   |(

 

 



 

#2017-03-23 14:27:43 by Barry1 @Barry1

@paulfox1

 

Thanks for your welcoming comments, Paul. 

 

"There's certainly much more to this 'human existence' we call 'life' than we'll probably ever know or understand - at least not until the point of death."

You're dead set correct.  I believe in an eternal soul, that moves from one incarnation to the next.  But this in no way contradicts my erudite statement that we're born alone and we die alone.

 

As for Martin McGuinness, history reveals he was an instigator of much violence perpetrated by the IRA back in the day.  He will indeed have significant karmic consequences to deal with because of this.

 

I'm unfamiliar however with David Rockefellar apart from the fact that he lived to 101, was the world's oldest billionnaire and supposedly was an acclaimed philanthropist.  He was a shadowy figure though in many ways, preferring to remain out of the limelight despite being chairman of the Chase Manhatton Bank.

 

You also said,

 

"Lily isn't 'evil' at all. How can anyone possibly compare the 'wickedness' of ANY woman to the evil deeds perpetrated by scum such as these men?"

To be fair, I didn't say that she was evil.  What I did say however was some of her acts were vengeful and reprehensible, unbefitting of someone possessing genuine nobleness of character.  I also said that I had misjudged and that she had shocked and disappointed me.  This is not calling her evil, merely describing her as an ordinary lowbrow who I really thought was much better than this.

 

"We all get hurt, my friend. It's that hurt that makes us stronger, more aware, and more experienced."

 

The corollary to this is that as our hurt and disappointments grow, so does our cynicism.  This is indeed a sad but inevitable consequence of a life lived in all spectrums of existance, both good and bad.

 

Cheers Paul.   (handshake)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#2017-03-23 14:50:43 by Barry1 @Barry1

@melcyan

 

Thanks Melcyan for your wise words.

 

You asked, "What if it is also true that Lily is a great person?"

 

How can a person deemed to be possibly great act with such rancour?

As a small example, would a great person gloat that her new partner was "much younger" than me?  Would a great person send offensive personal comments to me for no good reason other than spite?  Would a great person not even bother to see me off at the airport or ask if I was okay to do this by myself?

So regrettably I must say that no greatness exists here.   Just ordinariness.  Which is quite disappointing, as formerly I had believed that indeed, she had been a truly great person with an outstanding high character.  But no.  Actions speak louder than words, Melcyan.

 

I know I'm not the greatest catch in the world, but I was prepared to ingenuously discuss my alleged shortfalls in detail, with a view to ameliorating them.  But I was never given the opportunity to do this.

 

I am now wondering if I will ever be in a long term relationship.  Based on my blemished history so far, the prospects don't look good.  But then again, I will have learnt heaps of lessons along the way that no doubt will serve me in good stead in times - or lives (incarnations)  -  to come.  So ev erything will turn out fine in the long run.

 

Cheers Melcyan.  (handshake)

#2017-03-24 00:32:47 by anonymous15885 @anonymous15885

Barry! Great to see you back here again, this place is not the same without you mate! I have read and reread this blog and I will just keep my mouth shut in regards to your ex and her vapious comments towards you.

I look forward to your next episode with great anticipation!

 

Cheers.....(beer)

#2017-03-24 12:20:10 by Barry1 @Barry1

@anonymous15885

 

"Great to see you back here again, this place is not the same without you mate! "

What wonderful compliments, thank you.  Through my stories, if I can help a Western man in any way to decide whether or not to take the great leap forward in getting a Chinese spouse or not, this will be an achievement that would have made all my writing worthwhile.

 

In the meantime, let's all count our blessings as Melcyan has advised and look toward the future.  I'm absolutely certain better times are ahead for us all.

 

Cheers buddy.   (handshake)(beer)

 

 

#2017-03-24 13:18:17 by melcyan @melcyan

My partner does not support me learning Mandarin. She belittles my attempts to learn. She often reminds me how old I am. At times she can be quite savage. Why does she do this? In her heart of hearts, she firmly believes I will never be literate in Mandarin. She would love me to be able to speak Mandarin but to her way of thinking me learning Mandarin is impossible. She believes that getting me to give up soon will help me by saving me the pain of failure and regret of time wasted.

 

John’s words on Chinese women and relationships appear accurate to me.

 

I am guessing that you were tested repeatedly by Lily in the past and you repeatedly failed.  She made the judgement by herself that the relationship would never improve to the level she wanted and issues surrounding her daughter’s future also played a part.

 

I also suspect that Lily thought that you were going to very stubborn with accepting that your relationship with her was over. It is possible that she created the unkind words and the instant wall of separation deliberately to help you accept the end of the relationship in the shortest time possible.

 

What if I am completely wrong here and Lily really is a bitch. If that is true why did it take you so long to work it out?

 

 When I was online dating I was able to work out the character of the people I communicated with. Embryonic relationships need to be pushed, stretched and twisted and during this time communication should get better and better or crash. What is the worst that can happen? The relationship ends? Better sooner than later if the two of you are not really a match.

#2017-03-24 14:37:05 by paulfox1 @paulfox1


@Barry1

I said:

"It's true that the heart takes a long time to 'heal', and when it is finally healed, it's not ready to be broken again so quickly."

You said:

"The corollary to this is that as our hurt and disappointments grow, so does our cynicism"

Same meaning!

 

Barry, when you were going through what you went through with Lily, we chatted almost every day. There were many occasions when you contacted me, not so much to ask for advice, but rather to ask me what I would do in your situation.

 

It was during many of those conversations that I genuinely felt your pain.

 

I decided many years ago that regretting anything is futile.What's the point when we cannot change the past?

Surely it is better to learn by our mistakes and try our best not to repeat them.

 

You say you're not a 'good catch'. That's rubbish!

Following my acrimonious divorce, I was left with little more than a few clothes and an ancient laptop. Yet at my age many Chinese women expect me to have a couple of houses back in Australia that I'm renting out.

Well, I don't have!

I did, a few years ago, but that all went pear-shaped when my marriage broke down. So that makes both of us useless, does it?

 

I have zero regrets. I prefer to look at life as a journey, and as one door closes, another one opens. Regrets serve no purpose at all.

 

"Mrs Barry' is out there somewhere - Lily wasn't the one, so that means you haven't met her yet. Don't give up!

 

 

 

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