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A writer for CLM Magazine and CLM Social Pages, Achelle is also an independent blogger, giving her two cents on personal and social issues from an educated Filipina's point of view, especially those relating to love and relationships. She has a knack for tackling issues from unique angles that are often left unexplored, posing questions that move and challenge readers to view a certain issue from a wholly different perspective. Achelle is happily engaged to her childhood sweetheart and is currently based in the Philippines. Achelle's writing is a delight to read and highly enlightening, entertaining and thought provoking. You're going to see lots of her on our Emagazine, Blogs, Social Pages and Hubs. Enjoy
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On Dating and Rejections    

By Achelle Vinzon
2387 Views | 3 Comments | 3/30/2013 1:47:38 PM

Anecdote 1. Back in college, I had been receiving unwanted attention from this guy who looked every bit the cliche of a weirdo, from his pants that he wore almost up to his armpits, to his soda bottle eyeglasses, to his greasy and flat hair parted in the middle. Even though his advances bordered on creepy, and he even had a habit of following me around like a stalker, I was sure he was a harmless guy. The times he managed to corner me to say hello or to have a short chat with me, I could not find it in me to be mean and tell him to leave me alone; I could not even come up with an outright lie so I could leave right away. So I would return the smile and the hello, or endure the few minutes of small talk. I can honestly say I did not lead him on, but at the same time, I also did not expressly refuse his advances. There were times I chose to take the long way around school or literally hide to avoid him when I was lucky enough to see him before he saw me.

Anecdote 2. I was waiting for my turn at a job interview and there were several other applicants in the lobby waiting with me. A few of them were making small talk, but because I'm not a very sociable person by nature, I just pretended to be busy playing a game on my cell phone. The guy sitting beside me had been doing his own "interviews" of the other applicants and he finally got around to me. I gave him the shortest possible answers to be polite, even when he asked me if I was in a relationship, to which I gave him an honest answer, "Yes." I even added the fact that I had a daughter for good measure. And then he started passing around his notebook and asked all the other applicants to write down their contact number. The notebook got to me and, being a painfully honest person, I could not even bring myself to write down a fake number.

The next day, I got a text message from him asking me if I was interested in having coffee. I thought I might as well tell him no right away and remind him that I was with somebody. He insisted again and said that it was just coffee. I decided I should just ignore him since I already gave him a straightforward answer. After a few minutes, he sent me an angry message asking why I gave him my number if I was not interested. I was shocked but still chose to simply ignore him. He sent a few more angry messages after that which I would have found laughable if they did not make me so mad.

Anecdote 3. I was working for a U.S.-based company and part of my job was liaising between my supervisor and the different departments. I started exchanging emails and chats with the manager of the marketing department, at first regarding work, and then eventually we also started talking about his Siberian Husky. It started when I made a comment about how gorgeous his Husky was (because he used a photo of his dog as his profile picture on messenger). We made small talk about his dog that same day and then moved on to the usual work-related stuff. Everyday after that, however, he started talking to me more and more about his dog and then more and more about his social life. He seemed like a very nice guy. Everybody in the office knew he came from a very rich family and, eventually, they also noticed the interest he was showing in me; at the same time, he had never verbally expressed in our exchanges that he was interested.

During Christmas, he ordered small packages of goose liver pate to give away to the people he managed in the marketing department; I was surprised when I also got one. A few weeks later, he invited me to his birthday party. I had already caught on to the fact that he's interested in me, but the feeling wasn't mutual, so I thought I should bring a date with me, which I did. He didn't look happy.

Finally, he asked me out to dinner. Because he has always been very nice to me and he still held a more superior position, plus the fact that all I had to go with was the attention I was getting, I could not find it in me to say no and I did not feel I could tell him I was not interested without sounding presumptuous. But I also decided that I would make it clear to him that I was not interested should the opportunity present itself during dinner. The day before we were supposed to go out, a concerned colleague approached me and asked me what was going on between me and the marketing manager. I told her there was nothing, but that he did ask me out to dinner. Then she told me that the guy had been spreading word around that he already had his hooks on me and that he was gonna score the next night. I cancelled the dinner date right away, of course, and after that, I did not feel the need to be nice anymore.

I have always known I have a problem rejecting men I am not interested in. While I realize that my reason of not wanting to feel bad for them is more selfish than anything else, I am also aware that not nipping things in the bud may also be taken to mean that I'm encouraging their interest in me and, in a way, that I am leading them on. With online dating, one must be very careful and clever about dealing with men or women who are skilled at manipulating people to create opportunities for themselves to make their advances. One must also remember that there are times when wanting to be nice can be a form of dishonesty, and that when rejecting a person's advances, honesty is not as cruel as letting them believe they might have a chance. This may be a case of “Do as I say and not as I do” because, frankly I’m probably not that good with rejections online either. Or maybe I just need more practice.


Copyright owned jointly by Author and CyberCupid Co., Ltd. Breach of copyright will be prosecuted.
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#2013-03-31 00:59:47 by anonymous5883 @anonymous5883

Great blog! I like how you remained steadfast in your decisions and did not succumb to the pressure to date when you did not want to. It took me a long time to discover that when two people are not a match, they are not a match. This sounds like simple logic, but you would be surprised how many people try to "work it out" (out of politeness) with disastrous results. I like this honest approach...just tell the other person you are not interested. It saves both parties from going through unnecessary difficulties later on.

#2013-04-04 18:44:11 by urdivine @urdivine

Wow! Did you write that in English yourself? You must have because if it was translated it would not have been so perfect.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anyway, your posting really makes me empathized with women. You discuss the balance needed to be honest but not hurtful. I no it is not easy, but it is the "art of dating" that I feel women need to learn.

An enlightened Master I knew said "speak the truth, but say it sweetly".

Us men usually do not get subtle hints if a woman is not interested. We need plain, straight forward communication.

At the same time, even though we do not show it, men will can be hurt very easily and the greater hurt is too much time elapsing while he believes, whether she indicated it or not, that she is interested or he has a chance with her.

Usually that hurt is suppressed and if there are too many hurts that are suppressed, they will eventually surface as anger.

Anger, as we all know, can manifest as murder, abuse & rape.

I can't believe I'm about to say this but, MAYBE, a little white lie is sometimes unnecessary.

You can say something like......
"I'm sorry, it is very nice of you to ask me. Thank you very much but I am interested in someone else".

Often a man will not get the message, if this happens, then it is appropriate for the women to be more bluntly honest while still trying to avoid hurting him.

The times when a women was rejecting my advances and did it the "right" way, I was disappointed, but I actually felt good, at the same time.

It is learned skill to be graceful while rejecting someone.

You have greater than usual, self awareness and that quality will help you in your personal growth in all areas.

Thanks for write that article. It helped me.

#2013-04-08 09:56:10 by AchelleVinzons @AchelleVinzons

@anonymous5883 and @urdivine

Thank you for your feedback. There is a lot of truth in the oft-repeated saying, "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus." In so many ways, men and women come from totally different places and hold completely different points of view. Some are more aware of these differences than others and try to adapt; and then there are those who just don't have a clue.

How a man takes and dishes out rejections are very different from how a woman does these same things, and the reasons are many and complicated; but one important thing to remember is that men and women also differ in how they expect the opposite sex to react, and this difference in expectations greatly influence their actions.

Maybe I'm rambling here, but I can always just say that, perhaps, I do not seem to make any sense because I'm from Venus and you're from Mars. Haha.



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