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I spent 20 years punching a time clock... then decided there had to be another way. Right now I'm sitting in a comfortable chair on a beautiful beach. There's a sweet, soft breeze in the air. In front of me, on the clear blue water, a boat drifts by. Maybe I'll go snorkeling this afternoon, or work on my tan. This is my kind of tropical paradise... cheap and unspoiled!
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New! Crocodiles! Sex! Cobras! Thailand!    

By Ken Silver About Asia
2902 Views | 3 Comments | 12/8/2011 10:27:45 AM

Well, maybe the sex isn’t a new development. I saw a dog mounting another dog once on the streets of Chiang Mai, so I guess there has always been sex in Thailand. But the possibility of encountering a hungry crocodile as you peacefully snorkel off of Phi Phi Island… well that is what Tourist Boards might call a “delightful new development (for the crocodile)" in Thai Tourism.

Crocodiles are nasty. They don’t read the Bible. They don’t even eat the Bible! They eat flesh. And lots of it!
Question – are you a spiritual entity made of light?

Or are you a basket of skin?

Well, yeah, the first choice IS you (and I use the term “you” loosely); but for purposes of the next 400 words let’s pretend you are really just a basket of skin. Now, let’s suppose you are wading around in the clear ocean waters off the tourist town of Phuket; showing off what your momma gave you. Now, let’s suppose an 8 foot long crocodile starts swimming towards you from that sheltered mangrove forest just over there.

Kind of puts being overcharged for lunch in perspective, huh?

Well, it’s possible. Due to the massive flooding that has hit Thailand in recent months, over 3,000 – and counting! – Crocodile farms have been flooded out; allowing the overcrowded (and hungry) reptiles to escape into the countryside.

The authorities (those not yet eaten) are attempting to reassure tourists, explain that these beasts are “shy”.
Sorry. Crocodiles are not shy. Nor are they poetic, inclined to daydream, or unable to express their feelings.
Crocodiles have a mind “like a phone dial tone“ and the only time it rings is when they see a human being knee deep in water.

Unfortunately, all of Thailand is now knee deep in water.

This is a real serious long term complication to “fun and sun on the beaches of Thailand.” Well, maybe not long term, as a croc can finish a human in 30 seconds. Crocs hold the evolutionary patent on the “Underwater Death Spin”, by which they hold a victim in their jaws and commence to spin like a propeller.

If they mate (and we have already established there is sex in Thailand), creating a sustainable population; well… better move that beach chair a few yards up the road.

As for cobras… don’t get me started on cobras!

The flooding has driven them and other poisonous snakes out of their holes and into the Café Society of tourist Thailand. Good news perhaps, if that woman you are trying to pick up thinks that 12 footer asleep in your lap is your personal equipment; not such good news if that same snake wakes up.

But hey… at $100 reward for each croc “sent to Heaven” the Thai populace will soon solve the problem! And those cobras will soon become so disgusted by café society and politics that they’ll all slither back to their holes.

So come to Thailand, y’all! Grab up those tourist bargains before the ground gets too dry!

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#2011-12-08 12:38:48 by woaizhongguo @woaizhongguo

As if the whole tourists dying from bedbug spray in hotel rooms wasn't enough to make me think twice about my next trip to Thailand, now I have this to contend with. Thanks for the heads up!

#2011-12-09 15:16:30 by Serendipity33 @Serendipity33

LOL... Religious books aside aaaand the principle of "If it makes you happy".. It seems like another Omen to me. Isn't about time that men older/younger(SexTourists) learnt the principle of happiness- isn't sticking your dick in every orifice that you can, when you can -when its Cheep enough (Sounds a bit monkeyfied). The oldest profession and or amateurs - may have its place in today's supposed enlightened society but I have not seen or heard of any yet that isn't tainted with the exploitation/degradation of Women and in turn- Men

#2011-12-09 15:24:16 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

Ken, I've been seriously considering a move to Thailand for a half time home, someplace a little more relaxing than China. But after reading this I'm thinking maybe I should drop thoughts of Thailand and consider Costa Rica instead. Wait! Are there alligators or crocodiles in Costa Rica?

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