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John Abbot is co-owner of ChinaLoveMatch.net. Married to a lovely Chinese Lady and living in China, John knows and respects China, Chinese Women, Chinese People and Chinese Culture. His blog will include good stuff about Online Dating, Chinese Women, International Relationships and Things Chinese. Join John Abbot on Google+
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My Take on New to Chinese Dating - Need Help Forum Thread    

By John Abbot
5050 Views | 37 Comments | 12/16/2016 3:46:35 AM
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#2017-01-08 12:33:31 by SCBeets2200 @SCBeets2200

@melcyan - I need to ask you a question. In what way am I "not ready" for work and dating? You sound EXACTLY like the kind who wouldn't give me any hope of achance in life! In a way, you sound very close to how my parents have sounded on the issue of work! And what or who, pray tell, do I "volunteer" for?! Who do YOU suggest I "volunteer work" for?! You don't even remotely support my cause! I need to be loved NOW!! I need a job NOW!! You obviously do not think I can cut it, so WHY DID YOU BOTHER COMMENTING HERE?!! I REALLY do not understand you at all!

 

Also, I insist that you DO NOT insert politics or politically-minded subjects or statements into this blog post! That's NOT why this is here and I think you know that!! You state that I am more capable than I think BUT you turn around and claim that I'm "not ready" for work or dating! Again, it sounds as if you are telling me to just give up on love, marriage, work and life!! It just sounds like you are telling me to just accept less and volunteer because, as you see it, I won't ever make money or be able to marry anybody or even live somewhat independently! It's almost as if you would rather I carry out my threat earlier to kill myself since I'm not "worthy" of work or a wife!! I already have a penpal from a prior dating site that failed to deliver!! And SHE CAN'T EVEN HELP ME!!!! NOW WHAT?!!! What are you going to hand me next?!

 

Sorry, I got a little hot under the collar...please forgive me as I'm only human, WITH EMOTIONAL SENSITIVITY JUST LIKE YOU!

#2017-01-08 12:46:58 by SCBeets2200 @SCBeets2200

@paulfox1 - I think Melcyan is trying to bait us with his Left vs. Right bull crap! I would ask for anyone commenting on this or my other post to PLEASE NOT INSERT POLITICS INTO YOUR COMMENTS AND REPLIES!! This post isn't about that OR religion OR "feminism" OR any of the woes between conservatives and liberals, SO LEAVE IT OUT, PLEASE! THANK YOU!

 

As for my clarity when writing, I guess that can be chalked up to my having been far more successful in reading, writing and spelling in Elementary school. I was AWFUL at math but spelling and reading were my "majors", one could say. It helps to have parents who, thankfully, were dogged determined that their kids at least learned to read and write! Literacy pays, you know!! And thank you for your supporting me with this problem of mine. I'm sorry if I sometimes have to use CAPITALIZATION every now and then. Unfortunately, every community has its share of idiots and naysayers so one must occasionally yell, AT THE TOP OF ONE'S LUNGS IF NEEDS BE, to drive home a point to the more thick-headed among us, if you know what I mean.

#2017-01-08 13:23:31 by SCBeets2200 @SCBeets2200

@JohnAbbot - Thank you for your interest and appreciation AND support! I hope that SOMEBODY out there can see this and either offer their friendship or their help to aid me in solving my problems and ultimately providing me the tools and materials to finally fix what's broken. I often liken myself to and old dilapidated machine. I'm severely broken down in virtually every area of life and I NEED to fix it. I would like to think that I can be of use to someone out there, either for love or as an employee hired to work in their business doing what I do best, whatever that ends up being. I think that this might be the very first time in my life that someone has actually expressed any urgent interest in my needs and is willing to take the time to help in whatever way they can. I am optimistic, but cautious as I still don't quite know what I have here. So it is with gratitude that I thank you, John, for the privilege of being able to converse at length with not only a fellow blogger, but the CEO and president of the company hosting the forums! Thank you!

 

I will get to the response I mentioned, I just need to have my time to myself. I like to watch videos on YouTube dealing with a variety of subjects relating to technology, science and urban exploration and that time is very important to me. I'd like to believe that I'm learning things from it relating to "manhood", building and making things, using common sense and just living a more decent life. I don't know when exactly I'll post my reply. It'll be up here when I'm ready to put it out, rest assured.

 

In regards to your reply to JFjane, ultimately, I would like to see some kind of site being set up, or perhaps a community group, where people who are having trouble finding work and can't move to a new city or country or have some disability that genuinely prevents them from doing so, I'd like to see something like that that people can go to, free of charge, where they can contact a representative to get assistance with finding work, even if it's just online. One of my problems with some of the online work from home programs is they insist that you pay them up front to buy some sort of "package" to set up the business or buy products to try out and give reviews. I hate this type of work option because it requires you to already have money to throw away on the products to review or the stupid setup package. One of the big offenders of this type is the website incomeathome(dot)com. That company will ask you to fork over as much as $80 to buy some kind of "information pack" before you can do anything. And then there's Blue Crush Marketing, the other type of offender, that makes you buy products to test and review. And the products are usually things like motorized scooters for the elderly or womens' beauty products, probably fake, or e-cigarettes or some other nonsense like that. And what if you don't want to diddle around with that stuff...I guess you're just SOL. There have got to be better options that don't involve paying money, are not scams or pyramid schemes and are things that just about everyone can do, even without any money or bank accounts starting off. And most importantly, THEY CAN'T BE AFFILIATED IN ANY WAY WITH WONKY SELF-HELP BOOK PEDDLERS AND AUTHORS, THE WARES OF WHOM ARE SKETCHY AT BEST, ILLEGAL AT WORST!

 

Let me know what you make of this.

#2017-01-09 17:15:14 by paulfox1 @paulfox1


@SCBeets2200

Let me throw in a suggestion for you to consider with respect to working.

You have demonstrated that your English ability is extremely good, so why not put it to good use? There are websites out there (www.freelancer.com for example), that pay people, who have lots of time, for using their skills at reading and writing.

It maybe a bit slow at first, but I have one friend who makes an average of $500 per week, part-time.

'Jobs' are advertised along with a price that the client expects to pay. You then 'bid' for each job depending on what fee you are prepared to work for. I've seen requests for help in writing books, proof-reading, help with website content, etc, etc etc....

They're all free to sign-up with and you pay nothing up-front. They take a small % from each job that you get paid for. There are lots and lots of sites offering this kind of work, so you could sign up with several sites and spend a few hours each day perusing the jobs available and placing your bids.

 

It's not going to get you any 'love', but it could be a good way to earn yourself some money. These jobs are placed from all around the world so you'd need a PayPal account at least.

What's more, you only need access to a computer and the Internet.

You could be like John and work from the comfort of your own private beach, lol. (Just Joking, Mr Abbot)

If you decide to follow this up, I would also recommend downloading a free app called 'Grammarly.com'. It's a real-time grammar/spell checker that would be invaluable with this kind of work.

Let me know your thoughts.....

#2017-01-09 21:53:56 by melcyan @melcyan

@SCBeets2200 I have responded to your words with my words in bold.


 

@melcyan - I need to ask you a question. In what way am I "not ready" for work and dating?


 

I made that comment based on my reading of your words. My personal experience of online dating has taught me that preparation is everything. You have made a lot of progress since your first comment on CLM but you still have a way to go. You have a lot more preparation and planning to do. When I first joined an online dating site I was not in a position to date for nearly 6 years because I was a sole parent to four children. My children needed my full attention. After my children were asleep, I became a voyeur of others, male and female, on a dating site. I learnt what lead to success and what lead to failure in online dating.

Your ability to read others, both male and female, is critical to your success in both work and dating. Please read the three blogs I have written in the Guest Blog section of CLM.


Online Dating – How it Changes with Distance by Melcyan

Online Dating Revisited - Multi-Meets /Single Meets & Much More

From Boy to Man by Melcyan


 

I hope reading them will give you a much deeper insight into who I am and help you understand why my words were only meant to help you.


 

You sound EXACTLY like the kind who wouldn't give me any hope of achance in life! In a way, you sound very close to how my parents have sounded on the issue of work!


 

It appears that I have unintentionally hit a raw wound by sounding a little too parent-like. I am sorry. However, I suspect your parents care very much for your welfare. I too, wish you the very best for your future.


 

And what or who, pray tell, do I "volunteer" for?!


If you were here in Australia, I would suggest that you volunteer for work for Lions or Rotary. These groups have people who can help you develop work and people skills and even though some are retired they have many valuable connections with employers.


 

Who do YOU suggest I "volunteer work" for?! You don't even remotely support my cause!


 

I have read your words carefully. I feel empathy and compassion for your present position. I am willing to try to help you achieve your desired goals if you want my support.


 

I need to be loved NOW!!


 

Exactly right! The only relationship that lasts forever is the one you have with yourself. You need to love yourself now! Self-doubt and self-pity need to be replaced with self-love and self-respect.


 

I need a job NOW!!


 

You can step into a volunteer job now. Just take care choosing the right people and the right organisation.


 

You obviously do not think I can cut it, so WHY DID YOU BOTHER COMMENTING HERE?!! I REALLY do not understand you at all!


 

I hope you understand me a little better now.

 

Also, I insist that you DO NOT insert politics or politically-minded subjects or statements into this blog post!


 

My apologies. I was continuing a dig that John Abbot had made towards me elsewhere. I will avoid comments like that in your blogs in the future.


 

That's NOT why this is here and I think you know that!! You state that I am more capable than I think BUT you turn around and claim that I'm "not ready" for work or dating!


 

I am saying that I believe that you have not completed ALL the preparation that you need to complete to be ready for paid work or dating. Many men and women who use online dating don’t do the necessary preparation and consequently fail. (Failing to plan is planning to fail)


 

Again, it sounds as if you are telling me to just give up on love, marriage, work and life!!


 

My words were about giving yourself the greatest chance of success with your goals for love and work by starting from where you are in life right now.


 

It just sounds like you are telling me to just accept less and volunteer because, as you see it, I won't ever make money or be able to marry anybody or even live somewhat independently!


 

I want you to give yourself the very best chance of success in your life, but you have no choice but to start from the place you are right now. Right now you have a safety net pension and you are living with your parents. Use this safety net to make yourself work ready. This safety net makes volunteer work a viable pathway to your goal of paid work. People without your pension do not have this option. Use it wisely.


 

It's almost as if you would rather I carry out my threat earlier to kill myself since I'm not "worthy" of work or a wife!!


 

You are already worthy of your own love and forgiveness. Every person is worthy of their own love and forgiveness. Get that essential relationship right and other healthy relationships will eventually follow.


 

I already have a penpal from a prior dating site that failed to deliver!!


 

A penpal is not required to deliver anything. I came on this site to get a penpal because I already had a Chinese partner. I needed to make the most of every chance I could to increase my knowledge and understanding of Chinese culture. I approached 8 women on CLM over 3 years and one woman approached me. I now have two penpals who may well become lifetime friends. We help each other and listen to each other without any expectations or obligations.


 

And SHE CAN'T EVEN HELP ME!!!! NOW WHAT?!!! What are you going to hand me next?!


 

The number one person in the world for helping you is YOU!

 

Sorry, I got a little hot under the collar...please forgive me as I'm only human, WITH EMOTIONAL SENSITIVITY JUST LIKE YOU!


 

It is easy for me to forgive you. Make sure you are forgiving of yourself. If you don’t want me to make any further comment on this blog, just say so. I will respect your wishes.

 

#2017-01-10 12:54:23 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

@SCBeets2200 - first, take your time responding to my lengthy comment, as I am about to take a little time responding to your comment addressed to me above.

However, I must advise you not to look for malice in anything @melcyan says to you, or to anyone else. Melcyan has become one of the true sources of sanity around here. I have never known him to say anything to anybody without the very best of intentions. He is always trying to be helpful and provide sound and enlightening commentary. I think you read things into his words earlier that were not there. I urge you to read his subsequent response with a very open mind, and look for the wisdom he offers.

I also suggest that the advice that @PaulFox1 gave you was extremely valuable. It was not far off the advice I intend to offer after you have replied to Part 1 of my earlier comment, but it gives you a slightly different place to start a career that can be completely "done from home". You really need to consider these kind of options. Look for a wide and open field of choices, and then narrow them down. But while you are narrowing the options down to the ideal one, you can be trying different ones out, and Paul's suggestion is a great one for you to give a go.

More later...

#2017-01-10 21:30:08 by melcyan @melcyan

Before using freelancer.com you need to read the reviews for this website. 

Reading "how to become an online proofreader - wiki" is also worthwhile.

#2017-01-12 09:37:58 by SCBeets2200 @SCBeets2200

@paulfox1 - Okay, now you've given me an interesting suggestion. I was not aware that people could make money via this means. The one problem, though, is the need for a PayPal account. PayPal actually requires me to have a bank account, probably also some type of credit or debit card account. I currently cannot do that as I have zero money to begin with. That's one of the conditions that must be dealt with here, I can't control or change that. When I worked at my electronics assembly job with my Dad, I didn't set up any bank accounts, indeed, I didn't need one because my pay was in cash, essentially. I would get a check at the end of the week and I'd go with my Dad to the bank and we'd just cash the check. I didn't bother with depositing anything into an account.

 

Your suggestion merits further research, though it may ultimately not work out due to the "cashless income" aspect of using PayPal deposits to receive the money from working this kind of job. I'll keep you posted.

#2017-01-12 10:09:07 by SCBeets2200 @SCBeets2200

@melcyan - Where do I start?... Let me start by acknowledging your thoughtfulness in the things you've written thus far. It's nice to see some of your motives explained. And, okay, you make a fair point about planning and all that. All fine and good! However, from some of what you said, you sound as if you are still single and unmarried. And you see to be alright with that. I'm NOT alright with being still unmarried at 37 years old! And what precisely do you mean by me "loving" myself? Isn't that narcissism? I'm SO NOT doing that! I don't get it...I don't drink or smoke. I don't take any illegal drugs. I stay as far away as I can from pornographic material. I don't go out "partying" or "clubbing"! I take care of myself to the best of my ability. Okay, so I don't eat very well or very much, maybe that's a problem, I don't know. I'm at home all the time. It isn't like I'm going around causing mayhem. I do try to entertain myself in constructive ways. How the hell am I NOT "loving" myself? And more to my point, how the hell do I even "love myself"? How does one "give" to themselves what is usually given to others? Does that work? Can that work? I've always thought that you can't give or make love to yourself, you can only do that with another person. If your "idea" of "self love" is me bragging about how great I am and publicly declaring that "I love myself so much that I'm going to kiss myself and have sex with myself", well I'll have to disappoint you because I can't do that! It is logically and physically impossible to do that!! You don't make love to yourself, that's narcissism! You can only give love to ANOTHER PERSON. End of story. I wish to divert my focus to something else now, thanks.

#2017-01-22 08:23:13 by SCBeets2200 @SCBeets2200

@JohnAbbot - Thank you for your patience and taking the time to try to understand my situation thus far. I do apologize for taking so long to respond to your long-winded response previously. You might have forgotten by now what we were discussing, so I'll attempt to refresh you here. Your last reply was a rather thorough assessment of the answers I gave to your earlier questions about my "disability", working and the general overall quality of my day-to-day life. I have given some responses already so I might be repeating myself here. If so, feel free to skip that which I've already discussed. Here goes...

 

1. Your reply to my answer about my "disability" -

 

As stated in a previous response to you, I was officially diagnosed with something called pervasive developmental disorder or PDD. Specifically, this is PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder, not otherwise specified). It is an autism spectrum disorder but it is not true autism or Aspberger's syndrome as it either lacks certain symptoms or the symptoms are too weak or are incorrect for it to be classified as such. I know this because I looked it up on Wikipedia. Usually, Wikipedia is a fairly accurate source of information, though I can always look up an additional source to back it up if needs be.

 

I find it interesting that you don't think that's what is wrong with me, even after attempting to describe it to you and provide to the best of my capacity a reasoning for the diagnosis.

 

Unfortunately, I don't think your suggestion to "shed my perception of myself as being disabled" is really going to do much for me. I can't say for sure why I think this. If there's a legitimate end goal other than just feeling good, then maybe, but I currently can't find one.

 

2. Your reply to my answer about bullying -

 

I think you put it spot on here. I don't think there's a need to go more in depth here.

 

I do find it interesting that you also were a tinkerer as a kid. I wonder what you'd be like if you had pursued a career in electronics repair, electronics engineering or computer servicing. That's a lot of similarity between you and I. I still like to take things apart just to see what they're made of. I guess it's just natural for anyone with a technical mind to want to collect things and take them apart. Personally, I never thought of that aspect of me as "abnormal" so much as just the rummaging though the neighbors' or the school's trash to get things that catch my fancy. But then again, maybe I'm wrong here too.

 

3. Your reply to my answer about being a loner -

 

Again, not much more to cover here. I think all has been said that needs to be said.

 

4. Your reply to my comments about being "prickly and difficult" -

 

You have approached this one in a manner I found interesting. You mentioned a former member of the site of the moniker "orgasmdonor". You used him/her as an example of what I am not. Interestingly, your response pretty obviously points out my inability to accurately describe myself as you are quite right, I'm not all that prickly or difficult. I don't know why I described myself as being that, I really don't. Because I usually do try to get along with others, and I can make friends easily. It's just the awkward initial stage that kills me every time. I am glad that you provided the contrast and I read your blog post relating to "orgasmdonor" and his/her VERY hostile demeanor.

 

Now I WILL say that my carriage of myself in the customer assistance email I sent you was due to my own frustration and irritation. I was trying desperately to understand why I was having the problem I had. In keeping with following the rules posted and with general courtesy, I gave, what I believed to be, a fitting explanation of my issue and my questions as to what was going on. I could have attacked, but I chose not to then because all I wanted was some sort of explanation for why I was getting no responses. I am glad to know that I'm not as difficult as I think I am. :)

 

5. The "final three" -

 

As stated earlier, I've already replied to part of your feedback, including the SSI issue. I won't repeat myself here, partly for time and partly for brevity. I did explain what SSI is and a little bit of how it works in a prior comment to you. It should be there in the thread.

 

As for your conclusion, there are some points I want to respond to. You still think I'm better off working online. Okay, fair enough. But, who do I work for, what do I do? Paulfox1 mentioned a site called Freelancer where I *could* work as a proofreader. I had a chance to look at the site and I have decided that, although a useful suggestion, it ultimately isn't workable for me as I would need a PayPal account to receive any income via that website. And the only way to use PayPal is to have a bank account. And one of the conditions of applying for a bank account is I have to have some cash to deposit into it in order for the bank to open the account. And since I have no cash whatsoever, this is an outright deal-breaker. And complicating that further still, I'd have to get my dad to drive me to a bank because I don't know how to drive or have my own car. Which means, I'd literally be running afoul of my parents' wishes to not get rid of my SSI or attempt to get a job. So, if none of these conditions can be dealt with in a way that won't get me in trouble with mom and dad, won't scrap my SSI benefits immediately, WON'T insist on me having a bank account, car and/or college degrees and WON'T require me to pay cash up front just to use it, I'm afraid I'm SOL when it comes to getting a decent meaningful job!

 

It isn't that I'm unwilling to work. I have already implied to you that I'm willing and able, if not entirely "ready" (whatever that means), to work. My brain functions more or less well enough to process this. And you've pointed out multiple times how well I write (you seem to think that I'd fare better as a blogger or something like that, though I don't get why, especially after I have already told you that I'D PREFER TO BUILD THINGS and NOT write all day long!).

 

As for "perseverance", let me explain something to you about that. Although your statements about it are, on their face, intrinsically of sound logic, there are issues inherent to my personal experiences with "perseverance". I am not so naive as to blindly believe that anything can be had if one just works hard for it. It also involves an element of luck and "the right place at the right time". CASE IN POINT: my recent purchase of an IBM 3590 format data cartridge for my collection of different tapes, disks and other storage media. For YEARS I have wanted one of those damn things. Ever since I saw one in a computer supplies catalog way back as a kid. Up until recently, I didn't have the money to buy even one. It was only the first week of December last year that I finally got one for my collection. The conditions met were 1. I received a gift card for $25 to spend on Amazon for electronic parts to further the completion of a project I am working on, 2. There just happened to be a vendor on Amazon who was selling single individual IBM branded 3590 Extended High Performance data cartridges at a price less than the $25 my gift card was good for (the actual price for the tape was $10) AND 3. Being that it was nearing Christmas, I was already in the mood to "treat" myself and spend some of the gift card money on that tape. I'm really glad I did because there have not been any other similarly priced listings since then and if I had waited, I might still have the funds, but I wouldn't have the tape. And nearly all of the things I've bought over the years were handled this same way. It's a case of "get it now or forever live without". I once stole, from a Toys R Us store display, a Playskool version Teddy Ruxpin tape because of this urge to collect. Needless to say, my parents found out and rightly took me back to the store to return it. No police calls, no jail time. And it taught me not to steal anything from a store again! Unfortunately, I still don't have a Teddy Ruxpin tape and I'll likely never have one because that particular version is no longer in existence any more. And there are many more things like that I'll probably never have. A lot of them I've since given up on and written off as being forever unobtainable.

 

My patience isn't that great with some things, and as with the Teddy Ruxpin tape, if I can't obtain or achieve it in any way, I'll just give up on it and either move on to another place to try to get it or write it off completely. In some small measure, I've almost written off my ever falling in love or finding work. I'm not done with it yet as I'm still here, but my patience and will to "persevere" IS RUNNING OUT. My issue of not having a wife is particularly stressing being that I'm approaching my 37th birthday (which is in March, by the way), I know my sexual performance WILL degrade, sooner or later, it's just a fact of life and getting older. Now, that may not matter one wit to you, you may actually like not being able to mate with your Chinese wife, I don't know. But I know I'm not comfortable with that thought at all. I want to have the very best that life can give and I WILL NOT BE HAPPY IF I AM FORCED TO NEVER EXPERIENCE LIFE TO ITS FULLEST, INCLUDING SEX, LOVE AND THE HAPPINESS THESE CAN BRING!! I will NEVER be happy if I can't serve some useful purpose to this life working at the job I believe most in, which is either repairing computers for other people or assembling or building electronic devices that can be useful to others! Surely you are not so blind that you cannot grasp this, are you? I don't mean any disrespect in my comments and I'm really holding back on the swearing, as per your rules here in the forums.

 

You can go ahead and put up your "part 2" to this thing, but just keep in mind that I may or may not decide to reply depending on what is being said. Like I said before, my will to "persevere" is wearing thin. Having other users preach at me about "loving myself" is not helpful and could drive me away completely if not checked. I don't want to hear about anything that is impossible or illogical to do. I only want answers and help actually doing something about my conditions in ways that will inflict the least possible amount of stress and turmoil on me and my family. Please try to understand and I await your reply.

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