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John Abbot is co-owner of Married to a lovely Chinese Lady and living in China, John knows and respects China, Chinese Women, Chinese People and Chinese Culture. His blog will include good stuff about Online Dating, Chinese Women, International Relationships and Things Chinese. Join John Abbot on Google+
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My Take on New to Chinese Dating - Need Help Forum Thread    

By John Abbot
5051 Views | 37 Comments | 12/16/2016 3:46:35 AM
(Showing 11 to 20 of 37) Previous 1 2 3 4 More...
#2016-12-23 09:47:38 by SCBeets2200 @SCBeets2200

@JohnAbbot - Thank you for your replies and your interest in my issues and desiring to learn more. I can see now that you ARE trying to help me in whatever way you can. I appreciate it deeply.


You have asked me a proverbial metric ton of things, a few of which are landmines, so to speak. Bear with me as I attempt to explain, to the best of my capacity, what's up with me and try to provide you a "how" and "why".


First, you ask about my disability. This is one of those landmine issues that I don't usually mention too much. I'm not really sure I want to or should talk about it. My do I put it? To start with, it is a condition that I was born with, though probably made worse in some areas due to the litany of issues I've faced throughout my life. When I was a kid in Kindergarten, my teacher(s) at the time had expressed some concerns to my parents at the time about my mental health due to some "quirks" in my behavior. I think the thing that started it was one of my teachers had noticed that I was talking to the air conditioner in the classroom, almost like it was a sort of imaginary "friend". Now, kids are apt to do silly things when they are little. It's just the nature of five-year-old children. I guess my teacher was so, em, surprised (surprised?) to see me or any kid doing that. As a result, this teacher decided to inform my parents that I had "problems" and needed to be evaluated. Over the years, I would be placed on psychiatric medications, half of which would not work as designed. I would be in Special Education classes until finishing high school. My doctors described my condition as being a "muddle", meaning that I seemed to display symptons of a range of illnesses including ADHD-like symptoms, autism-like symptoms, emotional control problems and low self-esteem. I personally don't know what to call it. I've talked about this with other people and they swear up and down that I'm fine, that there's nothing wrong with me. This is about as far as I'm going to go on this. As stated earlier, this is a landmine and a very sensitive subject, and there are so many complications and facets that I could easily write a book on it and still not cover everything. I don't know if you have any training in psychiatry or have worked as a social worker and I'm trusting you, a complete stranger with something that's highly sensitive even though I appreciate your willingness to understand and speak at length on it.


Second question...bullying. I think the reason why is I'm different, REALLY different. I'm kind of nervous feeding you all this because I know where you are probing. I know you want the juicy details of my history, and I don't know if I should be talking about this to total strangers. I used to dig around in the trash for things. I would sometimes come in to school with stuff I'd find by the side of the road. Old electronic things, usually. I would ask people to save things for me and I would bring it home to play with or just to have. I was often called stupid things like "teacher's pet" and "weird". Also, I would usually be found walking around the schoolyard alone and talking to myself. Yeah, I'm THAT kind of different. Although I don't rummage through the trash much any more, I still have the urge to pick stuff up if I see something that catches my attention. It might be an old VCR or some old circuit boards or something else altogether (I'm not going to elaborate further...PLEASE DON'T ASK).


Third question...the loner. The reasons for this are both due to the bullying and my own self-imposed unwillingness to be around anyone I felt might tease or pick on me for any reason. I may have gone a little overboard when I said "THE loner no one really liked much". I actually did have friends and there were some people later on in my high school experience who were friendly to me. I don't remember many of them and I have no contact with them now.


Fourth question...prickly and difficult. These traits are both the result of having been bullied and were a cause of some of the bullying. I have had problems with what my folks used to call "dealing with disappointment". I'm not going to say that I'm spoiled, but when I was younger, most pronounced in my teenage years, I would throw fits and get mad when I didn't get something I'd ask for. I've largely grown out of that naturally although being shut-in seems to have contributed to my stopping this behavior. I still can get very unhappy when things don't go my way, but I don't outburst like I did as a kid and teenager growing up. Depending on what it is, I might gripe and complain about it for a while, but I usually get over it. I try not to put myself in situations where that is likely to happen.


Final three employment, et al. My disability doesn't prevent me from working, per se. However, I'm not a believer in the "work from home" idea unless it has anything to do with building things out of electronic components or repairing computers. I feel that that whole "work from home" thing is a big scam. Most of the online things I have seen have proved to be scams. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think so. I'm not the customer service type that's going to answer the phone all day for a pittance as I'm not terribly good dealing with people on that level. And "online entrepreneur" just yells out SCAM to me, like some get rich quick pyramid scheme. I get all kinds of crap in my email inbox every week hawking junk like "mystery shopper" and "I'd like your help with a bank transfer..." and "Can you help me with a business proposal?". I get so much of that sh*t that I put all of it in the spam folder, to be deleted at the end of my session! I don't care what it is, if I didn't explicitly sign up for it, it's a scam and it is to be dumped overboard posthaste. Also, even if thisstuff isn't a scam somehow, I have ZERO experience with sales, marketing or running any sort of business and I'm not really into that anyway. I want to build stuff. I want to work with my hands, creating things that light up and can bring joy to those who behold its glow. I have tried looking for jobs online and elsewhere, all to no avail. The jobs I'm most interested in, computer repair technician and electronics assembler, simply DO NOT exist in the United States. I don't know how the hell people get computers repaired, maybe they don't. Maybe technology today is so completely throw-away that it is practicably impossible to repair when it breaks, you just buy a new one to replace it. The few tech-related jobs that I can turn up either insist on me having college degrees in advanced subjects beforehand or they require me to have a car and drive around everywhere to field jobs. And since I can't do either, I've invariably written those off. I'm not even looking any more. I would try to teach myself how to write programs and code for software development, but I can't seem to stick with it for very long and I get bored and confused by it too easily. People have suggested that I move to another city. HOW?! I have no car! I don't know how to drive! And moving away costs way too much money, money my folks do not and never will have! And then there's my SSI benefits. If I do start working, I will lose those benefits completely. My parents have both told me that I can't hold a job, any job, and that I'm not capable of making the kind of money I dream of. Please understand, my folks are good people, but they don't agree with me on these things. I'm not sure they'd even agree with me being here on ChinaLoveMatch! I'm very loathe to even broach the subject, fearing conflict if I do.


Hopefully this book gives you something of a better idea of my issues. I've droned on for too long as it is.

#2016-12-24 13:49:16 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

@SCBeets2200 - you have given us a lot to think about here, and with Christmas now taking up most of each day I am going to have to ask you to give me a couple of days to wrap my mind around what you've said here sufficiently to give you a reasonable response. Please bear with me..

#2016-12-29 13:50:58 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

@SCBeets2200 - I am about halfway through my already getting lenghty response to you, and will try to complete it tomorrow. Sorry for the delay, but I am working on it. 

#2016-12-30 23:38:47 by DoggyLove @DoggyLove

@SCBeets2200 hi, I am just a simular male member of this web site. The only difference is, I am located in Australia. 

I just wanted to say, John @JohnAbbot does care (at times, too much and well beyond expectations) and you would do well taking his advice.

For the "does the ladies exist and do they respond" questions, I can assured you, they do exist and at time, very vocal in responds.

I have a number of very strong bonds with some amazing ladies here. They are genuine in looking for true life mates. In fact, I have witness a number of matches.

At the end of the day, a online dating site is no different then meeting ladies in real life. Such as a bar. I too was considered a nerd. I suspected I am still one. But with the passing of each day, we all have the potential to be a better version of ourself. Life is all about small improvements each day.

A long time ago, a mentor explained that success = preparation x opportunity x work. The good news is, the first part is all up to you. If you can be prepared to have a good relationship by ready your life for it, when the opportunity present it self, you can then work hard towards it for a successful outcome. 

The inner thinking of a lady is a mystery to all men and we are as powerless as you on this. :-) However, you have knowledge of your life. Every little improvement will increase your chance of a successful relationship. Either online or off line.

Don't give up hope. Just take a step and inch your way to your goal.





#2017-01-02 02:55:18 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

@SCBeets2200 - sorry for the delayed response. It took me a while to get to this and then to digest what you wrote above.

I am going to respond first, as briefly as possible, to each of your paragraphs, and then generally discuss what brought us here in the first place, which was how you might best proceed to try to find a lifemate here on CLM (or elsewhere).

Just before doing that, because you mention a reluctance to go to public with your deep and long kept secret thoughts with a stranger, I will tell you that I am a retired Canadian lawyer who went to China on business many years ago, and met and fell in love with a Chinese woman and more importantly, with China. I divested myself of my law practice and moved to China. My love of that Chinese woman was relatively short lived, but my love of China lives on. About 10 years ago I met and married my Chinese wife and that marriage remains healthily intact. We moved out of China a while back but are anxiously planning to move back there as soon as circumstances permit. We own and operate CLM and ALM. Maybe that will make you feel that I am less of a stranger.

My reasons for asking the questions was really to get some basis of understanding who you are before just tossing out advice as if I am some all-knowing Guru, when, in fact, I am just someone with more experience that you at one relevant topic and that is "How to meet and marry a Chinese woman." You've done a very admirable and in-depth job of answering my questions, to a greater degree than I expected, and I appreciate that wasn't easy because you were quite rightly concerned that I am a stranger and you had no way of knowing my motives were honorable.

You wrote something that I think is very important:

"You have asked me a proverbial metric ton of things, a few of which are landmines, so to speak. Bear with me as I attempt to explain, to the best of my capacity, what's up with me and try to provide you a "how" and "why"."

I will come back to that later.

Now onto the subject at hand:

1. Your "disability". 

As you've described it, your disability seems to be more like an emotional/psychological wound inflicted on you by (hopefully) well-meaning professionals and other people close to you than an actual "disability". Perhaps your doctors, having found that they could not diagnose what ailed you, should have considered saying "We can't find anything specifically wrong with you so we're going to declare you are okay. There's nothing wrong with you so go home and enjoy growing up." Instead, rather than admit they had failed to find anything specifically wrong, which would have made them look bad, they diagnosed your affliction as "muddled", leaving you to grow up feeling disabled when you may not be disabled at all.

Now maybe you were suffering from some affliction or disability, but when they couldn't diagnose it and properly treat it, it seems to me you would have been better off living "normally" rather than living as a disabled person with no real diagnosis of what the disability might be. Of course, this is easy for me to say from an extreme distance and in hindsight, with no expertise whatsoever, so please take it as one layman's opinion and nothing more.

However, if I were you I would start trying to shed my own perception of myself as disabled and would assume that I am actually normal, and proceed to start living my life as a normal person would, and make my decisions moving forward on that basis. In other words, throw away the crutches, lift up your shoulders and start the remainder of life's journey full of confidence in yourself, and start to assume you are a winner and you can do anything you choose to do if you just put your mind, your heart and your soul into the task. And then do just that.

You will suddenly no longer be disabled.

2. The "bullying".

Kids can be horrible when in groups. And they tend to choose one victim to be horrible to, and pick on him or her as the outcast to make themselves feel superior and secure in their belonging to the crowd and not being the outcast. Often, they choose that victim because of one singular event that just one of them has witnessed. For example, maybe just one boy noticed you on one occasion picking up some device you had found and talking to yourself about it. Somehow at that moment he thought your actions were "weird". Maybe he was feeling a little down about himself, a little inadequate, at that time. Perhaps his Dad had just given him a good dressing down. Suddenly he seized on an opportunity to make himself feel good by making you look bad to everyone else. He announced to everyone in your little world that you were a weirdo, thereby making him seem very normal to all of them. They all leapt at the chance to make themselves feel normal by making you look and feel abnormal, and each of them had their own insecurities that caused them too to try to profit from your loss.

Sadly, once they choose a victim, for whatever reason that happens, he or she remains a victim for a long time. He becomes the pet outcast that everyone licks on every time they need a little pick me up, a chance to feel normal and secure in themselves again. And, sadly, that has a long-term effect on the person being victimized. It beats down his belief in himself. It wears away his sense of self respect, it turns him into a "loner".

Your self-description describes a child who maybe was not "normal", because nobody is 100% "normal". Everyone is different from everyone else. It is all just a matter of degree. How different are you from everyone else? But the child you described was not so different from everyone else that he was "abnormal". My guess is that you simply got caught in the wrong place, at the wrong time, by the wrong person, doing something a little different that lead to you being made the outcast "for the moment", which turned into "for the day", which turned into "for the school term" which turned into "for the rest of your life". And it could just have easily been someone else.

Frankly, I was also a collector of devices and things. As a child, I must have taken apart dozens, if not hundreds, of clocks, small appliances, toys and other items that I "needed' to see the inner workings of. I did so with the intention of putting them back together even better than they were when I found them. I never once succeeded in putting them back together at all, and sometimes they were functioning items that were used by other family members. I also tended to talk out loud to myself, and still do, when I was (or am) deeply into something I was doing. For example, when I am working on my computer and forget to save something which somehow disappears after hours of writing, I will reprimand myself intensely, and bark at my "stupid" computer heatedly, at a volume that will bring my poor wife running into my office to find out if someone had broken in and violence was happening. She is then left to stare at me in utter disbelief and then walk away muttering about the depth of my insanity.

I am sure that I reacted that same way every time that I found myself unable to put my Mother's alarm clock, or my brother's transistor radio, back together. Thankfully for me none of my peers happened upon me in one of those moments at a time when he or she needed someone to attack to regain their own sense of self-worth.

I suggest you forgive yourself for your differences which were not such great differences at all, and try to forgive your then peers for making your life so difficult for their own selfish (but unrecognized) needs.

Again, move forward with a new path ahead of you and a new outlook on yourself and on life.

3. The "loner"

I think you've already explained why you are "a loner" pretty accurately, and it follows naturally from 1 and 2 above. You point out that you did have friends but that "I don't remember many of them and I have no contact with them now."

And yet, here you are on a Chinese or Asian dating site participating in this discussion with strangers, and seeking a "Chinese or Asian lifemate". That tells me that you're caught in the role of a loner, but ready to, if not aching to, break out of that role and to start having people in your life who will like you, including hopefully one who will love you, and who will make you feel good about yourself.

Which to me demonstrates that you are "normal". Very NORMAL. Because we all want that. We all need that.

Welcome aboard!

4. Being "prickly and difficult"

I can't speak for you as a child, or a teenager. I can speak to you as I perceive you through this discussion we are having.

I deal with a lot of "prickly and difficult" people on this website, because they tend to write prickly and difficult letters to our service department, and our employees are instructed to pass on to me any letters that they don't know how to answer or that are so rude and offensive that the employees are offended and don't wish to have to deal with. An example of this can be found on my recent blog "".

Generally, people like "OrgasmDonor" start out the conversation being "prickly and difficult" and eventually move onto "mean and nasty" as the conversation progresses.

You, on the other hand, started the conversation out talking about a member "ignoring you" with a detailed explanation of what she did, why it bothered you and asking questions about online dating and cross cultural dating to try to determine how to resolve your issues. So far ZERO sign of prickly and difficult.

When a few of us suggested that maybe it was expecting too much for women not to sometimes simply not respond to messages, and I specifically started to push you to improve your profile, you responded with a willingness to move forward into a reasonable discussion including some serious introspection about yourself and how you fit into online dating and potential cross cultural relationships. ZERO signs of prickly and difficult. ORGASMDONOR would have written a scathing, hate filled, expletive ridden, capitalized, screaming blast.

I suggest that regardless of how you handled things as a child or a teenager, you are a reasonable and tempered adult and you can stop worrying about your temperament as being a barrier of any kind in your future.   

5. The "final three"

It isn't clear to me why you would have to "work at home" as opposed to getting a job somewhere. You indicate that "My parents have both told me that I can't hold a job, any job, and that I'm not capable of making the kind of money I dream of." but I don't have any sense of why they would say that.

I do understand that you are on SSI benefits. I am not an American so I am not 100% certain, but I assume those are what I know as Social Services support payments that you receive because of your "disability". And from what you've said I assume that, like most governments, yours has determined that if you go out and get a job at which you net (for example) $500 per month, you will lose your entire SSI benefits of (for example) $1,500 per month. Thereby your government guarantees you can never better yourself and slowly work your way to self-respect, self-determination and personal and financial independence. 

I won't go into my usual diatribe here over how I feel about governments that obviously, and in my opinion intentionally, trap their own citizens in inescapable poverty in the government's own self-interest of preserving a massive taxpayer supported bureaucracy. But I feel for you being caught in that trap, and I believe more and more people are joining you in that trap every year.

Your parents are caught in it as well, through you, and as well intentioned as they may be, they are not helping you by holding you back.

Lengthy Conclusion

So, the question becomes "How does someone escape that trap?"

To me the answer is obvious. You work your way out of it.

There are different possibilities of how to work your way out if it, but they all require a commitment to WORK!

I highly recommend that you spend some time going over, from start to finish (meaning start at the first blog and work your way forward to the most recent or last blog), the blogs of Neil Yaun here:

This is a young man who faced many personal obstacles, but dared to dream, and made his dream come true. I think you'll see much to encourage you in Neil's story.

You mentioned "working online" as a perceived possibility but not one you feel is viable. I beg to differ from you on that point.

Bear in mind, I am not saying that working online is the only way for you to succeed at breaking free of the trap you are in and starting a great new life, but I do believe in your circumstances it is a very good way.

You are right about the prospects of working online being a minefield of complete scams and/or opportunities that are possible for a select few to succeed at while being presented as if anyone can push a button and make a million.

But that doesn't mean you should discard working online as an impossibility at all. It simply means you need to be cautious and not get caught up in the scams or the impossible dreams. Carefully assess what you want to achieve as far as working online goes, carefully assess how you might get started on the right path and then carefully proceed in a way that will get you where you need to be before you lose your SSI benefits.

In my opinion there are four things required for someone to succeed at working and prospering online. To be clear anyone can "work online" but these for things are required to "work and prosper online". For further clarity by "prosper" I mean make enough income to be able to live on it, and to then keep growing that income from there.

Here are the 4 things:

1. Willingness to work to achieve your goal.

Only you can decide if you have this or not.

2. A brain in your head.

You don't need to be brilliant but you do need to be able to arrive at a goal that makes sense and is achievable. I think your answers to my question clearly reflect a high degree of intelligence. I have no doubt that you have the mental capacity to easily succeed at making an income online.

3. Ability to write well (or money to pay someone else to write for you).

Remember I said you wrote the following and that I thought it was important:

"You have asked me a proverbial metric ton of things, a few of which are landmines, so to speak. Bear with me as I attempt to explain, to the best of my capacity, what's up with me and try to provide you a "how" and "why"."

Here's why I thought it was important. It is very well written. Your answers to my questions are very well written.

More than anything else succeeding on the internet requires the ability to write in a way that informs, enlightens and sometimes entertains. The sentences I quoted above do all three, and make the reader want to read more.

You can do this for sure.

4. Perseverance

To succeed online you need to be prepared to never stop trying. If you work hard, write well and refuse to stop, you will succeed eventually.

If you work hard and work smart, you will not have to persevere as long as if you simply work hard. But either way you will make it.

In Part 2 of this incredibly long "comment" I will give you some specifics on the above generalities and will then move on to the subject of how to meet and succeed with a great Chinese or Asian match, and how first overcoming the trap you are in fits into the overall picture of doing that. But first, I want to get your reaction to the above, as well as the reaction of others.

#2017-01-02 14:27:46 by melcyan @melcyan



I can only go on the words written by you and John ( and my suspect memory because at the present moment I do not have the time to read everything a second time.) I have taught remedial students before and I have never taught one that could express themselves with anywhere near the clarity that you demonstrate with your words. My “teacher” assessment of you matches John’s “layman” assessment of you. That’s two people on opposite sides of the political divide coming to the same conclusion – you are much more capable than you think you are.


My grade 2 primary school teacher judged me to be slightly retarded. Fortunately, my parents knew better but there are probably CLM members saying in the background right now “ I thought that too!”. You are in a bind because you are not getting the support you need. You are currently getting government benefits but you don’t know how to use this situation to your advantage.


At present, you are trapped by inaccurate judgements of yourself by others and self- fulfilling prophecies. Two things at present are clear – you are not yet ready for the world of work or the world of dating. I suggest that you strategically engage volunteer work with quality people in quality organisations to help yourself develop your work skills and work experience resume.


I also suggest that until you can make yourself work ready, your time on CLM should be spent as a learner and observer of others. Discover what works for CLM members and what doesn’t. Find a penpal while you are improving yourself and share your progress and intercultural awareness with that penpal. You will be surprised how much you can learn and gain from communicating with a penpal.

#2017-01-02 19:38:30 by JFjane @JFjane

So wonderful words ,John ! 

You said , slowly work your way to self-respect, self-determination and personal and financial independence. 

I have been thinking over these issues too ,If I relocated to another contry, what could I do?  even I could get some pocket money from the spouse ,but that is not my hope .where is my self-respect?what is my social value and my social role?many questiones to me too.I  need to figure these  out .

I believe that ,if I keep studying and  trying ,I can find a job in another contry ,so do you !SCBeets2200! be confident! 

#2017-01-03 17:46:20 by SCBeets2200 @SCBeets2200

@JohnAbbot - Good God, John, where do I start? Your reply is, like, FOUR TIMES what I wrote and you're gonna have a part 2 to this thing! Let me start off by acknowledging that you have the lawyer's analytical skills here. You have really gone to great lengths to break down my comments and provide very detailed responses. It is clear that you must have had more than a few court cases that tried your patience. The attention to detail is incredible and I thought I was good with detail. And thank you for replying in kind and taking the time to try to understand my situation. I almost can't believe what I've just read, the amount of faith you seem to have in my abilities. I do have a few clarifications and corrections to present to you as pertains to my "disability" and how SSI works in reality.


To answer your questions about SSI, yes, it is government benefits provided to the disabled, sick and elderly when they are permanently unable to work. And yes, SSI stands for Supplemental Security Income. I assume that's the same as or similar to the support income you mentioned. It is the United States government disability income program, paid for by the taxpaying general public, and is part of our Social Security system along with Medicaid and Medicare. SSI is intended to be used for paying for the consumable and durable needs of the recipient or his/her family. When a recipient is deemed not responsible enough to use the money for their needs, a "representative payee" is designated to receive the payments on behalf of the recipient of the funds. In my case, my Dad is my representative payee and he uses the money to buy my food and clothing, pay the bills and ensure that I can get medical care if any is needed. ANY OTHER USE OF THAT MONEY CAN BE DEEMED FRAUDULENT IF NOT DULY REPORTED TO THE SOCIAL SECURITY ADMINISTRATION OF THE UNITED STATES!! Now, as to the amount a recipient can receive, this can vary depending on a number of factors like employment status, severity of the disability or other condition, inheritances and marital/familial status. I'm not allowed to say how much I get monthly and I don't know that anyway, but the maximum a recipient may get can be up to $1,000 a month. That's about as much as I know. My Dad has to fill out a very detailed survey each year regarding what the money is used for and I've been allowed on occasion to fill in any information my Dad doesn't know.


I do need to give a slight correction on how SSI is affected by income from work. I don't think they actually take all of the benefits away as soon as I start working, but the amount I earn monthly will, if reported to the SSA, be deducted from the total amount I'm receiving through SSI. As an example, if I make $200 a month from a job and I get, say, $600 from SSI normally, the new amount would be only $400 because the US government would deduct the $200 I'm making by working from the SSI benefits. The problem with this, though, is if I should somehow lose my job for any reason, I DO NOT get those $200 back without contesting it to the government! And if it takes $600 a month to keep me fed, watered and clothed, to keep the electricity, gas and water services on and have a car with gasoline in the tank, the $200 I made at work would have to be given to my Dad to help pay for the necessities. I would have no money to do anything I'd want to do, like buy electronic parts to build things with or buy something for my collection. So, if I were to have any hope of having a job, it would have to pay me more than what I am receiving from the government in order for me to have enough to pay for all the bills, all the necessities and have any left over to have fun with or just squirrel away into savings for an emergency.


Also, I need to give a little better clarification to my supposed disability. I asked my parents what my doctors had officially diagnosed me with and I was told that my disability was something called Pervasive Developmental Disorder. I looked that up on Wikipedia and I read the article there which basically described this as a general class of psychiatric conditions that includes Autism, Aspberger's Syndrome and Childhood Disintegrative Disorder. My particular form is technically called PDD-NOS or Pervasive Developmental Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified. This condition is on the Autism spectrum, but isn't true Autism or Aspberger's Syndrome due to there being not the right symptoms or only some certain symptoms or the symptons present are not very strong or dominant or the condition as diagnosed is atypical to any of what would normally be expected in an Autism/Aspberger's case. Hopefully, this gives you a little clearer idea as to what exactly I have, if there was any curiosity on your part. It may not matter at this point, but I thought I'd share that with you as clarification if you had any doubts.


As for the rest of your post, I have copied it and I will need to think at length about how best to respond to the things you have said. Again, you have provided extraordinary detail and I want to give responses that are as close to faithful as is reasonable without going overboard or missing anything along the way. It seems apparent now that my being here might actually be the best thing I've ever done for myself...or I'm hoping it will be, anyway.

#2017-01-04 12:57:46 by JohnAbbot @JohnAbbot

@melcyan - I can assure you that nobody on CLM thinks you are "slightly retarded" unless you equate the words "slightly retarded" with "slightly leftwing" (which many on the political right do), but in that case you'd have to exchange the word "slightly" with "extremely". I do not, however, equate the word "leftwing" with the word "retarded", and in fact, as you know I hold your intelligence in high regard. If all people on the left had the clarity of thought that you have, I daresay the left would not be screwing up the first world nearly as dramatically as they currently are. 

I have been avoiding raising one subject up to now with  @SCBeets2200 that I think is important, and that is because I am hoping you will raise it first because I think that nobody expresses it better than you. That is the subject of not seeking true love with a partner until you have learned to love yourself. Nudge. Nudge.

@JFjane - You are wise indeed to be carefully considering the issue of gaining employment or finding other means of producing income if you have to move to a new country to be with a newly found life partner. I intend to that in part 2 of these comments, as well as in coming blogs. I think that is a crucial topic of discussion that we need to address here on our dating sites. Stay tuned.

@SCBeets2200 - thanks for your initial response. I will wait for your coming detailed response before going into more detail. However, I very much appreciate your saying "It seems apparent now that my being here might actually be the best thing I've ever done for myself...or I'm hoping it will be, anyway." and I might add that I think and hope you are right, and that your being here and going through this discussion process will be very good for you. But guess what? It will also be good for all of us who read it and participate in it. 

More importantly, it will also be extremely good for the overall CLM and ALM dating community, as we confirm that we are, in fact, a community in which we all care for, and learn from, one another. Thanks for bringing us together with your initial forum thread.

#2017-01-05 06:47:31 by paulfox1 @paulfox1


I guess it all depends on your definition of 'retarded' - a word that, in my opinion, is used far too casually these days. M-W states the definition as: 'slow or limited in intellectual or emotional development.' Then one must ask, 'slow? compared to what?'


I've heard Clinton voters being referred to as 'retarded', more than once!



I totally agree with Melcyan with respect to your clarity of writing. Just so you know, I am an ESL English teacher working in China, and I have a Master's Degree in English Literature.

Don't 'put yourself down', you've already proven that you are better than you think you are!

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